One Day at a Time

I'm an emotional eater. I've finally begun to manage the typical day-to-day emotions better, but the bigger emotions result in consuming comfort foods. I also find myself staying up late when I'm emotion-filled. I begin to think I can plan and analyze myself away from hurt, fear, or disappointment. Results vary.

That said, after waking up earlier than planned, I had time for a run. I ran 40 minutes this morning to start off my day. I suppose that also contributes to this overwhelming tiredness I am currently feeling.

Before I go to bed, I want to share with you a quote from a book I read during my senior seminar. I included it in my "Life View" paper 2 years ago. I stumbled upon the paper on my computer as I was looking for pictures of my Grandpa. My favorite picture of my Grandpa and me was the top picture on my cover page.

We were being silly. We did that a lot. I think the picture captures the idea pretty well. Grandpa tended to believe you shouldn't pose for pictures, but a smile or mocking-over-grin happened if you kept the camera around enough.


"From his parents Paul learned the enduring lesson that love can only be applied person-to-person"
(Yancey 75)

Just, ya know, being thankful

I'm a tabber. I usually only have one window up, maybe 2 if I want to focus on a specific project without the other tabs, but tabs range from 4-24. These days each tab is a potential new job. I'd like to work on some of these tabs tonight so I won't type long, but I have a lot to tell you. Alas, time is short, body is tired and bullet points show up:

-I learned to surf this past weekend! Kind of. I stood up a few times. I'm no expert, but I understand why people love it now.

-I ran today. I sent my broken phone back. I accomplished a task I've had on the to-do list since January. I judged a show down by Lafayette. It was a productive day.

-I love my family. I spent Easter weekend in Florida with my mom's side of the family because my Uncle's wedding occurred on Holy Saturday. I had an absolutely fabulous time. I don't know anyone else with a family as much fun as mine is. One night my immediate family + a fiance + a cousin went in the ocean sometime after midnight and battled the waves for what seemed like hours, or at least an hour.

-The bridal shower was at a restaurant on the ocean. It looked a little fake, but it was real.

-My mom made everyone [no, really, everyone] a delicious brunch Easter morning

-We all danced, and danced a lot at the wedding. My uncle and I even did a bit of swing dancing.

-My sister and I ran 2 out of the 3 days. One of those days was a 6 miler in the upper 80s, lower 90s + humidity.... the morning after a lot of salt water & alcohol. Woo dehydration! I've ran 2 out of the 3 days since I've been home.

-I called about one of my resumes and cover letters today. I'd really, really love this job. The HR department's machine picked up and I was too scared to leave a message.

-Last night Lindsay and I went down to DUMBO to see a friend of mine's friend's show, but alas I made the classic Monday this week, Tuesday next week mistake and there was no show. Instead we wandered a little bit. A seemingly nerdier-hipsterish-our-size marching band came out of a building and played in an empty parking lot. We then got recruited for a comedy show that was actually free, no drink minimum, no tips... just fairly decent comedy.

-I'm unbelievably excited for my sister's wedding in September. I'm also trying to figure out how we're ever going to go get to talk to/see all of those people who will be there. Our family alone has so many amazing people connected to it: "The Moms," both sides of our family, the card group, the Port Clinton friends, etc. etc.

-I'm planning for the days surrounding Amy & Nick's wedding in 2 weekends. So far I'm trying to fit in: Cinco de Mayo with Mike, Jeni, Jenkins +/- whomever else shows up, a run with Jessica, possibly wedding-food tasting for the September wedding, a small roadtrip across Michigan, back, across, and back again, a WEDDING, dancing with the newlyweds, Jackie, Faith & Meghan, a sleepover in a cabin... in the woods... in our sleeping bags!, a stopover in Holland, quality time with Tim, good conversations with Lissa, and probably a little bit of time with my parents... or at least my dad when he drives me back to Pittsburgh to get back on the Megabus.


Enough enthusiasm for the past/present/future, back to that cover letter...

Give thanks and rejoice

Last year for Lent I wrote a list of things I was thankful for every day. I didn't do that this Lent. It might've helped my frame of mind as I dealt with some especially undesirable stress, but I didn't. However I enjoyed it and throughout the rest of the church calendar year, and again through this year I feel as though my mind is more and more likely to note the things I'm grateful for. Since I won't have time to do it this weekend, here's this year's all-at-once Lenten List of Thankfulness

Thank you to...
Housemates that deal with my quirkiness
Friends that ask for advice, especially the relationship[ish] kind
Sally. One solid good friend* really cuts down a lot of things you can complain about... and gives you someone to complain about the rest to
*Note: I have other friends, but if you live with the people they're semi-exempt because you can't let yourself overuse them and I'm talking short-distance friendships
Everyone else who came to our party. I had an absolutely wonderful time. I would've had a great time even if it'd been just the 3 of us + sally, but taboo and conversation was just...sigh, thank you.
Friends who let me sleep in their beds or on their couches, often with only 2 days advance notice
Touchy-feely-at-appropriate times people. Sometimes you just need a hug +/- and New York isn't a warm fuzzy city so it's great when you can find those people
The optimists
The Awake! who serve as reminders that I have good energy and I should do nothing less than love and radiate the good stuff
My mom who'll still order my prescription if I'm getting too stressed about it
My dad who'll make sure the car's ready for me to drive to wherever or whatever thing it is I need to make visiting other people possible
My long-distance housemates. I'm still so grateful for that last semester of college and you still having you all in my life
Amy & Nick. 2 people in love is a fabulous thing
Kathryn, for making me feel as though people do want to hang out with me!
Everyone who has ever made an effort to hang out with someone else. It's a reminder that "people can like you just the way you are" and sometimes we 20somethings need those
Old text messages that you reread on your old cell phone that still give you new warm fuzzies
My sister who comes to visit and doesn't get frustrated with me when I'm a little bit of a mess
My brother who tolerates me and will pay for most of the present when I'm too poor
The cell phone gods who protected my phone from water damage
Helpful people. There are so many of you in the world and you're wonderful!
My Grandparents who answer the phone with such enthusiasm that you really feel like you matter
My family. I can't wait to see a bunch of them in the next 2 weeks
All of those people who keep emotionally supporting me and are excited that I'm "fulfilling my dream" or whatever phrase they chose to use. I'm not sure if they're completely right, but they do make me feel good about my choices. Thank you!
FB msg pen pals <3 This blog for reminding me that there are superheroes among us... and really good parents that are my own
Isaac for encouraging me to go to church. And then for going to brunch with me afterward and reknewing my faith in theatre... all of the time
American Theatre magazine for reminding me that Boal technique is thriving and purposeful.
People who read my blog so my little counter can lead me to believe that people are interested in my life
Idealist.org for posting meaningful job openings
My plants, for growing sometimes.

Okay, I know that's a weird one to end on, but it just hit me. I'm tired. Thank you for reading. Thanks for being such great people and thank you for being.

I don't iron

Confession: I love packing last minute.

When I pack too soon, which I often did in college whenever we were nearing a break, I get too excited and by the time I go to leave it doesn't feel like I an adventure. The thrill's sort of faded. But, not this time! I've been sort of counting down, but since I was planning for 2+ weddings at once, it kept the count confusing. I'm leaving for my Uncle's wedding in Florida TOMORROW. I don't leave til night, but it's tomorrow so why get specific?

I'm incredibly excited for the adventure out of town and the warm weather! I'm also incredibly excited to see my fabulous family. My mom's brother is the one getting married. I love both sides of my family equally, but growing up I didn't get to see these aunts and uncles as often so it always feels like an extravaganza. It's usually treated like one too. Both of my parents really lucked out with siblings-in-law [and parents, but that's another post]. It's just going to be fun and I know it. I don't have to worry about their being "family drama" or "party poopers" or... really I'm the most dramatic out of the group. I know, you're not surprised, but I wouldn't hold a candle to the craziness in a lot of families. Well, we're crazy, but we're the good crazy... like college.

Minus my toothbrush and stuff for the plane, I'm packed. This means I'll still do a little *extra last minute* since I don't have to leave my house until 5 tomorrow. But, I had a weird moment while I was packing the main bag. I was rolling up my clothes [they fit best that way] with the exception of my dress, which I neatly patted down on the bottom and I realized despite my patting my clothes were going to be wrinkly when I got to Florida. This never really bothered me before because I don't like to iron. I always iron in the wrinkles and creases so I chose [because you can] to enjoy the wrinkle look [it's in, I promise]. As the suitcase filled up I realized I had extra space. I always wear one pair of shoes, tie my running shoes to the top and usually I still fill the space, but I'm going where it's warm so the clothes are smaller. So, I did added my steamer. Yup, my mom got me a travel steamer, which I asked for, for Christmas and I packed it. I'm not going to be wrinkly; I'm an adult.

Tangential, but speaking of wrinkly... bulldogs. Sally loves bulldogs and wants to get one. I think they're ridiculous looking and could never get one because I couldn't take it seriously. Love them, but not for me. Oh wrinklies <3

Christmas at "home, home"

I love New York, but sometimes you just need to go Home. By Home I mean the state I was born and raised in home, also known to college kids and new grown-ups as "home, home".

This Christmas helped to cement that you're-an-adult idea I've been having. I opened my presents last at the extended family Christmas Eve this year and didn't even sneak a peak.

Watching adorable nieces open presents in a much more entertaining manner helped. Besides, Grandpa (mid 80s) and Reagan (3) had difficulty resisting all that sat in their laps.

There are so many great things about coming home. At my place in New York I had one Christmas sweater to wear, plenty of baked goods to eat, but only a few Christmas decorations to decorate with. It wasn't that I didn't want to decorate, but a lot of my things were still at my parent's and I didn't have enough space in my bags to bring them up at Thanksgiving, when I had hoped I could. I hate to admit it, but I never decorated the gumdrop tree I did have in NYC because Target's giant gumdrops were too expensive. I decorated my parents' tree as soon as I saw the (already bought) gumpdrops in the cupboard.

[an Anna Jo picture]

I only plugged my Christmas lights in once or twice because I didn't want to inflate the electricity bill when I forgot to unplug them.


I love my family's Christmas decorations. Most of them are handed-down, hand-made, gifted, simply sentimental, or all of the above. I know I will never remember who all owned our decorations before us, but I do know that I love coming home to the house decorated. My parents do an amazing job every year.

Crazy Ornaments on a Real Tree

                            

I love that our family still practices nearly all of our traditions and does so much laughing throughout the Holiday.
Looking around the corner of the stairs to see if my parents were done making coffee so it could be "time":

In the last couple of years my Grandparents on my dad's side have joined our festivities. We go around opening our presents, which have always been (sometimes impressively) well thought-through. My mom's delicious breakfast casserole always follows, this year with the accompaniment of a raspberry-esque pastry, yogurt and fruit. There's usually a movie and then a few other variables. 2010's Christmas continued with some of the family watching one of my Dad's new John Wayne movies while the kitchen transitioned into dinner mode and Grandma and I worked on her sewing machines. When her eyes got tired Anna Jo, Justin and I went on a our sibling holiday run! There are usually time constraints keeping it around 3ish miles which is a perfect 3-person run when allergies, colds, and general semi-out-of-shapeness could affect the run. Afterwards my sister went in to pack, while my brother and I went sledding because it was a beautiful White Christmas! My brother had requested there to be sleds at home so Santa had left us some obnoxiously bright ones that also happened to be quite speedy. This limited how many times we could go down the hill in my back yard as our speed increased every time we cleared more trees out of our way and packed down the snow.

We had no desire to break the ice and fall into the creek.

Showers, dinner and general jovial-ness followed until my brother and I drove my sister to the airport where she caught a flight that took her to her first cruise with her fiance's family (best of both worlds perhaps?). Sadly this did mean that she missed the watching of "Amelie," which my brother gave me for Christmas. My mom and I watched it while my brother and Dad drove my Grandparents back to Perrysburg. I now understand why so many people were shocked that I hadn't seen it... amazing. After a little clean-up, it was bedtime. It was a complete holiday.




Uncle Gordon playing us Christmas carols on Christmas Eve and putting me to sleep


And my favorite Princess Cloe

She's adorable. I know.


I know I won't have the same holidays forever, but there's just something about home, home that make the holidays "right".

"You Can Have Whatever You Like"

I'm fairly tired, but the last day and a half have been so encouraging, I wanted to write about them. I almost didn't because I have had such trouble falling asleep lately and staying up past my tired time affects that, but then I read my friend's blog about how rewarding her day was and was reminded of how important it is to enjoy and appreciate the days that are positive.

I had a meeting this evening with the co-producer and director of the show I am working on for March. It was my first meeting with the director and a great opportunity to hear about his vision for the show and get a feel for his communication/work style. We all have our strengths and it is exciting to be able to appreciate such things in someone else. There was a time in my life when someone with a "different work style" translated into someone I had difficulty working with. Now I like to think it translates closer to someone who I just trust with other responsibilities. After the meeting we went to check out some props and weapons for the show and without getting too blah-blah-blah, I'll summarize the evening with: meeting production staff members, going through theatre storage [looove it], and getting the final confirmation from an actor- meaning the show is fulling cast makes for an incredibly encouraging night. Woo!

I think a lot of the calmness I felt throughout today came from finally catching up and organizing all of my emails last night. In one week I had received over 120 about the one show. I woke up and only had a couple of emails to reply to and they were new so when I had read and replied, I knew I was done and could close my mail. Oh! The joys of being organized. The more organizational systems I embrace the more I am able to act in the present. I had a successful afternoon including: a new script, a delicious soup, a successful marketing meeting, meeting prep for the evening meeting and more than my fair share of Disney songs. I'm beginning to think they might have had something to do with it.

Wednesday afternoon I dropped off my coat at the dry cleaners, ran some necessary errands for myself and others, received an ushering job for this weekend, and discussed the possibility of lighting a show in February. Productive followed by rewarding.

Things aren't perfect, but I feel like I might be able to stop looking for theatre work and just focus on what I have for a little bit. Of course, I still need to figure out how to fit in the other work so I can pay bills, but the moral is I won't feel guilty if I don't check backstagejobs.com every day I'm home. [I just still will]

And there is so much to look forward to! A meeting followed by work, tomorrow. There's a bit of work on Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night/Monday morning involves packing and riding the Megabus to Ohio to spend Christmas with my amazing family and friends... including 3 brides-to-be! There will be bridesmaid dress shopping, running buddies!, haircuts, apples-to-apples, alcohol at Ohio (or family) prices, catch up with old friends...

You get the idea, it's one of those 'up' times. I'd like it to be the same in the morning.

No Rest for the Familial

I intended to start this post talking about being an electrician and how it is tough when you're insecure, but then I was in Starbucks and saw a great big sister and changed my mind.

Olya is small, but not terribly toddlerish, maybe 3. She has a brand new baby sister whom is so tiny she must either be less than a month or a pre-me. Olya is losing the majority of the attention she has been receiving for the past three years, but she "gets" that her sister is someone important, someone worth helping. So, when her sister loses her pacifier because it's hard to hold in her mouth while crying, Olya will pick it up (from a quarter of an inch away from her sister's face) and put it back in her sister's mouth. Of course, when she is unsuccessful, her mom may think that Olya took the pacifier and caused the crying, rather than trying to be the solution, but that (hopefully) won't deter her from being there and helping her sister find what's right in front of her face in the future.

My siblings are pretty amazing. We're all closer to the handing out pacifier phase than we are the receiving, but it's still pretty wonderful to have them around, to help me with what's right in front of my face and with what's not. I spent Thanksgiving in Ohio and while it wasn't a particularly restful holiday, it was a good time. My whole family came to the airport to pick me up and the family time continued for the rest of the weekend. I look forward to seeing them again in 2-3 weeks!



When I wasn't with my family I was with my fabulous, fabulous friends. As I told my mom and Miller, my friend karma has come back to me 10-fold. I used to put a lot of effort into friendships that didn't always having a reciprocating counterpart, but now I have fabulous friends all around the world who I consistently exchange happiness and love with... and a particularly great group back in Ohio. They're crazy and I might not be the best apples-to-apples player with them, but they always make for a good time and love me, even when I forget the cinnamon applesauce.

The Hippo's Campus

"If I don't have red, I use blue"
Pablo Picasso


We don't know if it's because of the way we look at the world, searching for the positive, or if it's because life is this way, but my mom, sister, and I have all had conversations (in the last month-ish) about how wonderful things are. There's a sort of fear or nervousness that the other shoe will drop soon, but we have to appreciate the beauty and peace that has been in our lives in the present and recent past whether some fancy footwear is waiting for its moment or not.

Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. There are still "friends" who don't return phone calls, co-workers who don't communicate, people who get upset for what feels like no reason at all, and things that get seemingly made up just to feed the fires of negativity. However, the amount of love that has surrounded my family recently fills us with joy rather than the other, less favorable emotions.

This summer has been wonderfully good to me. I was uncertain how returning to Amherst would be after graduation, but I found my fit into summer skin and am surrounded by great people once again. I work with a dedicated group and help to create amazing children's theatre. There's a younger group in the morning and an older group in the afternoon. The 33 2nd-5th graders can be exhausting, but they have something to give to the art. The 17 6th-8th grade girls do an impressive job of supporting each other and consistently reminding me what a blessing a creative space can be. And, they let me be silly and productive at the same time. Those two hours of my day are often my favorite and I am super excited for next weekend when the kids finally get their chance in the spotlight.

July 30th (Friday) and 31st (Saturday)
Cinderella's Glass Slipper (6:00 pm)
and
School House Rock Live Jr. (8:30 pm)
at Amherst High School Cafetorium

They're fun shows... you should come see them! Let me know if you'd like more details :) Come help us move on Sunday [10AM at the Jr. High] if you want a sneak peak at the props ;)


In addition to being a part of 2 successful productions I have had social time! Jeni, Mike, Jenkins, Evan, & Tim have taken me into their group and let me feel like I have effortless friends again. Just last night Jeni, Jenkins, and I went to see Sandstone's opening night of "Children of Eden" (which was great, fyi). I visited with some audience, orchestra, tech, and cast members and then remet them, along with Mike & Evan, up at Church Street. It's fabulous to be able to sit and enjoy good company and unusual conversations!

I have also been able to catch up with a few other friends from high school! Lizzy was in from Maryland/DC area and we went to Oberlin's production of "Our Town". I had never seen "Our Town" and was amazed by how much I enjoyed it and, despite it being done so often, it still manages to spark something. I also had a chance to see Christy before she left for Togo (today!!). And, my saving grace, and the reason I have grown too wide for all of my clothes, Tealla has been around this summer. We run a few mornings a week. While 6am is rough, Alyssa and Jessica have even been able to join us a few days. I wish I could take them all with me every time I move. They're great motivators and patient, but pressing running buddies. We understand the team aspect of an individual sport and there aren't many people who do.

Until a week ago I hadn't had the chance to see any college friends since I left Jackie in Seattle. Amazingly Kent's family stayed in a hotel down the street from me on their drive to the East Coast and he called me! I gave him a "tour" of Amherst which included nearly hitting a deer by crown hill and swinging at Powers..Obviously the later was the more enjoyable. Seeing Kent made college feel less like a figment of my imagination. I have had the chance to skype with Jeri, skype chat with Meghan, and phone Jackie B. I have also kept up (to extent) with friends on facebook, which I'm grateful for. It's amazing to have people in Nagpur (India), Chicago, and Seattle supporting your adventures. Then again, they're having amazing adventures so there is no way I couldn't support theirs! And these three are only a small portion of the multitudes... While Hope's public statements may be a bit 'over religious' for me and the anti-choice and anti-rights vibes may be a bit discouraging, the school attracted some amazing people who have helped me form into a more balanced being and I can't appreciate that enough.


This summer has, as desired, been a great chance to spend time with my family. I was able to spend the weekend JEFF PROPOSED TO MY SISTER with them. I was able to help my Grandparents move. I have had the chance to see all of my Dad's brothers and even saw my Aunt Janice in May. My sister's marriage (September 2011) also means more family! Anna Jo came to Ohio for a little over a week and during that time she picked a place for the reception AND found her wedding dress!!! She looks absolutely gorgeous... there will not be a dry tear at that wedding. My sister has always been beautiful, but it's exciting to see her in a dress that brings out the presence and a sparkle in her eye. Jeff's parents and sister, along with my parents and I were all able to look at the reception location. We all agree it is perfect. And, my sister, moved up her shopping date (she originally planned on waiting a bit longer) so I could be there, along with Mrs. Karp, Amanda, and my mom to shop for dresses with her. It was really cool to be able to all be there to support my sister. It all became a little more real when she put that crazy veil on.

And while veils aren't even something I can begin to fathom trying on at this point in my life, I do have an increasingly wonderful relationship with a friend of mine. It's nice to have a healthy relationship... It's nice to get warm fuzzies so regularly.

Oh! And I received a call for an interview in New York this past Monday (while we were dress shopping). The fact that the interview is a little delayed gives me a bit of a negative feeling, but it was encouraging to get a phone call. Obviously the woman didn't have my undivided attention, sooooo... I'll see where it goes and probably call them on Monday if I don't hear anything.

Yes, yes, New York! I'm moving to New York! A friend from high school, her boyfriend, and I are moving into a lovely apartment in East Harlem. After I emailed her about my 4-person dish set, wok, soup pan, noodle getter, rolling pin, measuring cups, bread pan, salt & pepper shakers, cups, whisk, 13x9 pan, 8" pyrex dish w/lid, cookie sheet, muffin tin, angel food cake pan, "lean, mean, fat grilling machine" and a few other things.... we realize our kitchen will be doubly-stocked in many respects, but hey! I like to cook, she likes to cook, both of our boyfriends like to cook... we need to be prepared. Plus, people living on strict budgets can't be going out to eat too often!

I am very excited for my return to New York. When I walked down 8th Avenue over the Fourth of July weekend I remembered why I liked that place so much. It's neat to feel so tiny and yet so a part of things. I'm a little nervous about the job stuff, but I'm trusting in something that it'll work out. You can only do so much, so, you do those things and stay positive and appreciative of the people who keep things possible.

After all, "If I don't have red, I use blue".

Ready... Freddy... Go!

Tomorrow is Commencement.

Commencement is:

1. The first existence of anything; act or fact of commencing; rise; origin; beginning; start.


Many people sit and reminisce about dorm experiences and studying in the pine grove. We have walked to school in snow storms that could bury the smaller students and completed papers that have and they are both things to take note of. We are not the first or last to experience anything, but we should treasure it. I have plenty to be thankful for. My time at Hope College has been filled with joys, neutral feelings, and the less favorable kind, but it was time and I like to think I've grown, that we've grown. We've figured a couple things out and now we're ready to commence! It's time to begin. With an even stronger safety net that's further than it's ever been, we are entrusted with great knowledge to achieve great things and love fully.

Nine members of my family are in Holland this weekend for my graduation. While the actual event may not warrant throngs of people flocking from Ohio, I believe any opportunity to spend time with family is [almost always] one to be taken. I have amazing parents who believe in me and are 100% behind me. I have siblings that are already accomplishing great things and continue to care about their work, their friends, and their loved ones. I have Grandparents who love each other and who struggle every day, but remain strong and love even stronger now than ever before. I have relatives that care and a family that wants to be a family. I hope to always be in and foster such families. Whether it's a Confucian duty or something completely different, I don't know. I just know that they radiate strength and love and I want to radiate it back.



In truth, thanks to everyone. Sure, there are certain events in the last four years one could complain about, and I won't try to claim that I was always in a place that felt "right," but there have always been people there to support and love me. My whole senior seminar class seemed to do that this semester and not a single one of them was obligated to in any way. They encourage my belief in "Good People".

Thank you for making the last 4, and the last 21/22 years of my life what it has been. Tomorrow is commencement, but we already know that every beginning is some other ending... and that's okay.




Things I love:
Seeing friends out
My housemates
Adventures
My Grandparents
Nice Displays of Affection
Affection
Breathing

My Neighbor

I sort of feel as though today's thank you's should be given exclusively to whatever great force finally got me to Texas to see my incredibly amazing friend Jessica (and Beth as she is now down here too!). We caught up and laughed and had a wonderful lunch [and ice cream, mmmmmm....]. I don't know if anyone remembers that time around high school when there were a lot of days when I felt like I had no real friends and they were all acquaintances, well, Jessica was an exception. And, I think I have just had all those feelings of lacking made up for in amazing friends ten fold in the last three years.

Today I had quality conversation with Jackie, Meghan, Jessica, Beth, and Julie. During my conversations with all of them I sensed a sense of confidence and assurance in the world. We are all fairly uncertain about what's to come, but there was such vigor and purpose in the speech. It moves me. Given, I am still not sure where I am going to end up or what my life means. I have a fairly decent idea of where I want to end up. I am applying to quite a few places back in New York, but I am looking at a fair number of other places too. I am aiming to be within a few hours of family members [New York being the exception]. Anyone who knows me would atest to the fact that I am not a homebody, but at the same time, my family is great and unless something with an incredibly strong pull comes along, I see no reason not to stay within a reasonable distance of someone. By having people in Texas, Colorado, Ohio, California, and Florida... it makes it a bit easier to say all of this; I probably wouldn't say it if it limited me to Ohio. Of course, the US as a whole isn't thaaaat big- so most places are in some sort of "reasonable distance". Right?


At the end of the day, what I am trying to say, is that I am thankful for my friends being happy and less and less lost. I find the most amazing people throughout my life and seeing them encouraged does more for me than even I would have imagined.

A Different Kind of Love

I am going to Toledo tomorrow [Friday] to spend the night with the extended family.
My Grandpa's funeral is on Saturday.
I need to see my family. It's so strange how you can be perfectly okay without seeing them for a certain amount of time and then one day life strikes and you find yourself struggling to get through the week before you see them.

Now let's just hope the snow is kind to my poor little car <3


---------




This is the journal entry I wrote for my senior seminar class. When I wrote it I felt as though I needed to keep it personal, bu right now, at 2am, after an emotional exhausting day, I want to share it.

I am not wearing a veil or all black, but I need time to mourn. I am actually wearing more pink and all of blankets, but that has more to do with what was clean and the temperature of my house than any sort of cultural tradition. My Grandpa Kenny passed away early Sunday morning while he slept. He was ninety-three years old and while that was enough time to live a plentiful life, it does not mean I do not need to take time to reflect.

My Grandpa Kenny outlived two wives (each whom he was with for over twenty-five years). He was a brilliant engineer and a crazy driver. I visited him in January and I think this is why I need to take more time than I have with other deaths. There is probably a real name for this, but I am going to call it the “but I just saw him phenomenon”. My Grandma Pearl and my Aunt Darlene passed away my sophomore year and junior year, respectively. It had been a full year before their deaths that I last saw them. When Fred, a good friend from church, passed away it had been awhile since I had seen him too. I only go to Florida every once in a great while. I hardly attend my home church because I am never in Ohio anymore. I would not see them anyways; this makes their deaths less real. However, I just visited my Grandpa the week before school began. While I know it was his time and his small existence exhausted my Uncle, whom my Grandpa lived with, strong emotions show up when I try to imagine that he is not physically or mentally here at all.



Not seeing my Aunt Darlene, who was so young when she passed, and my Grandma Pearl while I was in Florida this January made their deaths more real too. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to be sad for more than one passing. I am sad for all that my Uncle Dick has balanced and I am sad that my mom and her siblings had to deal with her mother passing away so young. My mom’s mom passed weeks after she graduated from college, but a couple of weeks before she was married. Dealing with one death, by itself would be much simpler than balancing all of these old and new hurts.
I cannot help, but wonder if I would be taking this all as deeply if I were not talking about death in both senior seminar, world religions, and my house (where friends of Emma and David live).


On January 18th I wrote this in my journal/blog and I keep reading it because I am feeling it even more than when I wrote it:

M: ...she's a youth pastor or, well, young adult pastor I guess
S: Eh, youth pastor. We're still youth. We're still lost.
M: Yes, we are still lost.
What do you do when someone who is part of your life is no longer there? What do you do to bridge the gap?

[... Scroll to January 18th to read the middle section of this entry....]

Death hath not touched it all, dead though the house of it seems!

And as true or not true as that may be, I still need to mourn and most people I know still need that time to continue. And either way you look at it, it's tough.

[end of blog]

This week has been tough. I canceled all but one of my Monday meetings and work calls and stayed in bed until 3. I have been sleeping more than normal and I spend a lot of time just talking about nothing to my housemates to try and process where I am at. I am a very fortunate person as I have great housemates (for the first time in four years), as well as communities all over that still send me positive vibes. I received love and encouragement via facebook from friends, friends’ boyfriends, pastors, family friends, and people from both of my abroad experiences. I try to focus on them.

On Saturday I will be in Ohio for my Grandpa’s funeral and I am looking forward to it. DeRose family funerals are, in general, a good time of tears and laughter… just the way funerals should be. I just need to remember to breathe.


[end of Senior Sem Journal entry]



I need to sleep.