Happy Father's Day! I say with ridiculous pride that my Dad is the guy in the overalls. The picture was taken just a little over a decade before I was born! Have a wonderful day celebrating the men who are great Dads! Mine is obviously the best, but I'm sure yours is a close second. With countless memories of kayaking, digging up worms for fishing off the pier, drinking chocolate martinis, and our four and a half hour talks driving to/from college, I couldn't be more thankful.

Reading!

I just listened to this graduation speech. It was an alright speech, with two of the most valuable points being:

1. Go to Paris to be in Paris, not to cross it off your list and call yourself worldly.
I think a lot of people need that advice and I'm sure I've been a part of that group at one time or another. I look at my world map on my wall and want to go to all of the countries so I can shade them in and say I've been everywhere. I dated a guy whose friend had the goal of having sex with a woman in every country. In case you are wondering, the woman didn't have to be from the country, he could bring her there. Anyways, I understand we all have different goals, but I can't help but hope, for him, that he got even more out of the trip. There's more to say about 'being somewhere to be there', rather than to accomplish an empty objective, but I'm no expert.

2. Read.
For the past few months I've been casually dating a wonderful guy. While we're still dating, we've recently discovered that we may be on slightly different pages in terms of relationship needs. As I've evaluated what's been and what I need I think of more and more wonderful effects he's had on my being. He, knowingly or unknowingly, has helped me eat healthier and perhaps even more beneficial, he's given me some great books to get me back on the reading kick. In the past three weeks I've read Graham Greene's "The Quiet American" and "The End of the Affair". They were both absolutely wonderful and I'm still thinking about "The End of the Affair," though I read it first. Since I only borrowed two Greene's I decided to go for something I thought would be lighter next. I'd brought back one of Roald Dahl's chapter books from home. I don't know how I hadn't read "Going Solo," but it'd been sitting on my bookshelf, waiting for quite some time. It's been the perfect subway book, divided up into adventures. I'd recommend it for a great escape read! While it was lighter, I still found myself tearing up just a little bit at the end. I think reading helps me be more present when I'm not reading. It gives me a genuine retreat from my thoughts. Many people use music, but I tend to find music reinforces where I was already at. Instead, books help me run away to someone else's life or perspective. Sure, I over-identified with aspects of both Greene's books, but the added perspectives were incredibly valuable.

So, more aspects are added to SarCare every day. Some days I do well on lots of fronts, some days I only do well one way or another, but I'm still at it. I ran this morning, did my best to eat responsibly (minus the Mud Mocha... oh, Mud Truck <3). Tomorrow's another day and every day takes energy. Good luck with yours!

One Day at a Time

I'm an emotional eater. I've finally begun to manage the typical day-to-day emotions better, but the bigger emotions result in consuming comfort foods. I also find myself staying up late when I'm emotion-filled. I begin to think I can plan and analyze myself away from hurt, fear, or disappointment. Results vary.

That said, after waking up earlier than planned, I had time for a run. I ran 40 minutes this morning to start off my day. I suppose that also contributes to this overwhelming tiredness I am currently feeling.

Before I go to bed, I want to share with you a quote from a book I read during my senior seminar. I included it in my "Life View" paper 2 years ago. I stumbled upon the paper on my computer as I was looking for pictures of my Grandpa. My favorite picture of my Grandpa and me was the top picture on my cover page.

We were being silly. We did that a lot. I think the picture captures the idea pretty well. Grandpa tended to believe you shouldn't pose for pictures, but a smile or mocking-over-grin happened if you kept the camera around enough.


"From his parents Paul learned the enduring lesson that love can only be applied person-to-person"
(Yancey 75)

Surely Tums Will Help

Laying here, in my apartment in New York I had a flashback to the night before I came home from college, at the end of my first year. I laid on the floor of my dorm in Kollen Hall and waited for my friend to call me and tell me where the end of the year track party was.  She never called and eventually I just accepted that I was spending my last night alone.  We were both insecure and so I understood her fear of inviting someone to a place she was probably already having difficulty feeling a part of.  Looking back on it, we were silly, but at the time it seemed to matter.  I spent the rest of the night walking around, trying to soak in the campus. It was late April, early May. The grass was this rich grass green, and it has rained recently and so it felt like a real spring.  I don't remember being hot or cold, but simply craving.  I was craving to be in love with the world as I once had been.  I know this because I wrote it down.  I was also a little afraid to go home.  I didn't have a job lined up and I'm pretty sure I already knew I was about to get broken up with.  It wasn't for another month, but I knew it was coming.  Having a broken heart doesn't just keep you from falling in love with another boy, but keeps you from falling in love with the world.

I healed. It took a long time, but I healed.

Earlier I was talking with a friend about these guys in our lives.  We do this quite a bit.  It's fun... usually.  Often I try to help her work through thoughts about her love life and the questions I ask her to answer, I ask myself. It's good for growth.  It's nice to have friends like this.  I was telling her how something incredibly [seemingly] insignificant made me cry last night.  And I talked about falling.  Sometimes, by the time a relationship ends, that first part, the part when everything is new and exciting, if a little intimidating, falls away.  But, since this all happened at such an important time in my life, I can bring it to the front of my mind, like I imagine he does in the The Giver... so much so that if I had that power, someone else could feel it too.  I don't normally record those feelings in public domain.  It's dangerous. You never know who'll read them or misinterpret them. But, why is that enough to stop me?  I want to remember what that feels like.  It's awesome. It doesn't have to necessarily be falling in love, but the realization that you and someone else both think the other is great!  It's exciting and depending on who you are, it may cause you to act incredibly silly.  That's typically me.  Then again, a lot of things bring out my silly side.  My brother knew something up was up when I got in the car.  I seriously spent the entire spring break, and a good amount of time after I returned to school, high as a fucking kite, sans drugs.  I couldn't stop smiling and my insides felt like they were constantly injected with energy.  When I think about that too much I want nothing more than to fall in love again just so I have someone new to associate it with, who reciprocates it.

That's essentially verbatim to what I told my friend.  I then followed it up with a retraction because I have jobs to apply for.  I can't take risks with my heart right now.  A broken heart keeps me in bed longer than the flu.

But, it's still sort of fun to remember... remember having your heart jump when the phone rings and trying to not talk your friends' ears off about thing that seem so mundane to them. 

I was going to give you more detail and then I realized... a have a silver notebook.   And sometimes we don't share details with the world... or even good friends, not because we're scared, but because they're too sacred.  I think those words often get confused. 

As I told Jessica... "Goodnight! I love you! And make good choices... you know, ones that make you happy when you wake up"

I'm really grateful for my good friends. 

Lately I've felt that my stories and experiences are becoming less and less unique and therefore less and less necessary to share with the blogosphere.  We all meet people. We all have our heart broken [some people by things other than relationships]. We all feel inadequate some days and [hopefully] as though we're fulfilling some great need other days.  Of course, this blog was also a method of sharing with friends, but things haven't really changed: I'm still here, still tumbling through a bunch of emotions, searching with my eyes closed.

The 6-10ish $1 seeds and baby pots I bought the other day are the best investment I've made in awhile.  They're [almost- darn cilantro...] all growing. The little bits of green help me forget that it's still cold and that I'm feeling... a lot of things.

There's a lot of thinking, while typing, hence the ... and , .

That said, last weekend I went to my best friend's wedding and felt incredibly "right".  While I could  never live there, as the conservative nature of Henderson, Nebraska would eventually get under my skin and I'm simply not at the same stage as Schae, the community that surrounds her, that instantly brought me in, filled a gap.  It's a gap that I often surface over and, whether I realize it or not, ignore.  I'm too tough to let it get me. I'm a woman, an individual, and capable of anything.  Rawr.  I won't crumble for simple needs any more. Or, at least, that's where I am today.  Two weeks ago I suddenly became incredibly emotional when out with a group of friends for no simple reason. I immediately needed to go home and crawl in bed.  The next day a friend called and asked if he could visit that day. I gladly said yes and while I still had to focus on work, he gave me the recharge I needed.

This past weekend was another renewal, but also a gentle shake from a slumber I hadn't acknowledged I was in.
I'm beginning to think that we don't come into this world alone... or leave it alone.  Perhaps this is true physically, but just because my body is made of dust, doesn't mean anything else is.  We come in this world with a metaphysical love around us and regardless of what happens while we're here, we leave with it too. Or, at least, this is what I believe today.  Perhaps it's for my own comfort that I believe it.  Or, perhaps, I'm right.

Christmas at "home, home"

I love New York, but sometimes you just need to go Home. By Home I mean the state I was born and raised in home, also known to college kids and new grown-ups as "home, home".

This Christmas helped to cement that you're-an-adult idea I've been having. I opened my presents last at the extended family Christmas Eve this year and didn't even sneak a peak.

Watching adorable nieces open presents in a much more entertaining manner helped. Besides, Grandpa (mid 80s) and Reagan (3) had difficulty resisting all that sat in their laps.

There are so many great things about coming home. At my place in New York I had one Christmas sweater to wear, plenty of baked goods to eat, but only a few Christmas decorations to decorate with. It wasn't that I didn't want to decorate, but a lot of my things were still at my parent's and I didn't have enough space in my bags to bring them up at Thanksgiving, when I had hoped I could. I hate to admit it, but I never decorated the gumdrop tree I did have in NYC because Target's giant gumdrops were too expensive. I decorated my parents' tree as soon as I saw the (already bought) gumpdrops in the cupboard.

[an Anna Jo picture]

I only plugged my Christmas lights in once or twice because I didn't want to inflate the electricity bill when I forgot to unplug them.


I love my family's Christmas decorations. Most of them are handed-down, hand-made, gifted, simply sentimental, or all of the above. I know I will never remember who all owned our decorations before us, but I do know that I love coming home to the house decorated. My parents do an amazing job every year.

Crazy Ornaments on a Real Tree

                            

I love that our family still practices nearly all of our traditions and does so much laughing throughout the Holiday.
Looking around the corner of the stairs to see if my parents were done making coffee so it could be "time":

In the last couple of years my Grandparents on my dad's side have joined our festivities. We go around opening our presents, which have always been (sometimes impressively) well thought-through. My mom's delicious breakfast casserole always follows, this year with the accompaniment of a raspberry-esque pastry, yogurt and fruit. There's usually a movie and then a few other variables. 2010's Christmas continued with some of the family watching one of my Dad's new John Wayne movies while the kitchen transitioned into dinner mode and Grandma and I worked on her sewing machines. When her eyes got tired Anna Jo, Justin and I went on a our sibling holiday run! There are usually time constraints keeping it around 3ish miles which is a perfect 3-person run when allergies, colds, and general semi-out-of-shapeness could affect the run. Afterwards my sister went in to pack, while my brother and I went sledding because it was a beautiful White Christmas! My brother had requested there to be sleds at home so Santa had left us some obnoxiously bright ones that also happened to be quite speedy. This limited how many times we could go down the hill in my back yard as our speed increased every time we cleared more trees out of our way and packed down the snow.

We had no desire to break the ice and fall into the creek.

Showers, dinner and general jovial-ness followed until my brother and I drove my sister to the airport where she caught a flight that took her to her first cruise with her fiance's family (best of both worlds perhaps?). Sadly this did mean that she missed the watching of "Amelie," which my brother gave me for Christmas. My mom and I watched it while my brother and Dad drove my Grandparents back to Perrysburg. I now understand why so many people were shocked that I hadn't seen it... amazing. After a little clean-up, it was bedtime. It was a complete holiday.




Uncle Gordon playing us Christmas carols on Christmas Eve and putting me to sleep


And my favorite Princess Cloe

She's adorable. I know.


I know I won't have the same holidays forever, but there's just something about home, home that make the holidays "right".

Just Dreaming

Confession:

Sometimes when I feel a little extra tired or unable to sleep I listen 70s soul, The Ohio Players, Isley Brothers, Al Green, Earth Wind & Fire, Luther Vandross, Marvin Gaye... to remind me that there's love and depth the the world. Mph.

The moth three years later

I thought I had been watching how high I was climbing, but I suppose I misjudged. My weight hadn't changed much and gravity is a constant, but when I fell the equal and opposite force was far greater than I imagined it would be. I had avoided the mountains for quite a while, choosing to stroll upon low hills with slight possibilities. But, you were more and so I ignored your words of warning and pleaded with you to come with me. I was tired of the ground and wanted to enjoy more with you. You could not have given me enough reasons to avoid the beautiful rush and the view. I didn't realize how far I'd wandered and how bruised my knees would be when the scene was over.

The Hippo's Campus

"If I don't have red, I use blue"
Pablo Picasso


We don't know if it's because of the way we look at the world, searching for the positive, or if it's because life is this way, but my mom, sister, and I have all had conversations (in the last month-ish) about how wonderful things are. There's a sort of fear or nervousness that the other shoe will drop soon, but we have to appreciate the beauty and peace that has been in our lives in the present and recent past whether some fancy footwear is waiting for its moment or not.

Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. There are still "friends" who don't return phone calls, co-workers who don't communicate, people who get upset for what feels like no reason at all, and things that get seemingly made up just to feed the fires of negativity. However, the amount of love that has surrounded my family recently fills us with joy rather than the other, less favorable emotions.

This summer has been wonderfully good to me. I was uncertain how returning to Amherst would be after graduation, but I found my fit into summer skin and am surrounded by great people once again. I work with a dedicated group and help to create amazing children's theatre. There's a younger group in the morning and an older group in the afternoon. The 33 2nd-5th graders can be exhausting, but they have something to give to the art. The 17 6th-8th grade girls do an impressive job of supporting each other and consistently reminding me what a blessing a creative space can be. And, they let me be silly and productive at the same time. Those two hours of my day are often my favorite and I am super excited for next weekend when the kids finally get their chance in the spotlight.

July 30th (Friday) and 31st (Saturday)
Cinderella's Glass Slipper (6:00 pm)
and
School House Rock Live Jr. (8:30 pm)
at Amherst High School Cafetorium

They're fun shows... you should come see them! Let me know if you'd like more details :) Come help us move on Sunday [10AM at the Jr. High] if you want a sneak peak at the props ;)


In addition to being a part of 2 successful productions I have had social time! Jeni, Mike, Jenkins, Evan, & Tim have taken me into their group and let me feel like I have effortless friends again. Just last night Jeni, Jenkins, and I went to see Sandstone's opening night of "Children of Eden" (which was great, fyi). I visited with some audience, orchestra, tech, and cast members and then remet them, along with Mike & Evan, up at Church Street. It's fabulous to be able to sit and enjoy good company and unusual conversations!

I have also been able to catch up with a few other friends from high school! Lizzy was in from Maryland/DC area and we went to Oberlin's production of "Our Town". I had never seen "Our Town" and was amazed by how much I enjoyed it and, despite it being done so often, it still manages to spark something. I also had a chance to see Christy before she left for Togo (today!!). And, my saving grace, and the reason I have grown too wide for all of my clothes, Tealla has been around this summer. We run a few mornings a week. While 6am is rough, Alyssa and Jessica have even been able to join us a few days. I wish I could take them all with me every time I move. They're great motivators and patient, but pressing running buddies. We understand the team aspect of an individual sport and there aren't many people who do.

Until a week ago I hadn't had the chance to see any college friends since I left Jackie in Seattle. Amazingly Kent's family stayed in a hotel down the street from me on their drive to the East Coast and he called me! I gave him a "tour" of Amherst which included nearly hitting a deer by crown hill and swinging at Powers..Obviously the later was the more enjoyable. Seeing Kent made college feel less like a figment of my imagination. I have had the chance to skype with Jeri, skype chat with Meghan, and phone Jackie B. I have also kept up (to extent) with friends on facebook, which I'm grateful for. It's amazing to have people in Nagpur (India), Chicago, and Seattle supporting your adventures. Then again, they're having amazing adventures so there is no way I couldn't support theirs! And these three are only a small portion of the multitudes... While Hope's public statements may be a bit 'over religious' for me and the anti-choice and anti-rights vibes may be a bit discouraging, the school attracted some amazing people who have helped me form into a more balanced being and I can't appreciate that enough.


This summer has, as desired, been a great chance to spend time with my family. I was able to spend the weekend JEFF PROPOSED TO MY SISTER with them. I was able to help my Grandparents move. I have had the chance to see all of my Dad's brothers and even saw my Aunt Janice in May. My sister's marriage (September 2011) also means more family! Anna Jo came to Ohio for a little over a week and during that time she picked a place for the reception AND found her wedding dress!!! She looks absolutely gorgeous... there will not be a dry tear at that wedding. My sister has always been beautiful, but it's exciting to see her in a dress that brings out the presence and a sparkle in her eye. Jeff's parents and sister, along with my parents and I were all able to look at the reception location. We all agree it is perfect. And, my sister, moved up her shopping date (she originally planned on waiting a bit longer) so I could be there, along with Mrs. Karp, Amanda, and my mom to shop for dresses with her. It was really cool to be able to all be there to support my sister. It all became a little more real when she put that crazy veil on.

And while veils aren't even something I can begin to fathom trying on at this point in my life, I do have an increasingly wonderful relationship with a friend of mine. It's nice to have a healthy relationship... It's nice to get warm fuzzies so regularly.

Oh! And I received a call for an interview in New York this past Monday (while we were dress shopping). The fact that the interview is a little delayed gives me a bit of a negative feeling, but it was encouraging to get a phone call. Obviously the woman didn't have my undivided attention, sooooo... I'll see where it goes and probably call them on Monday if I don't hear anything.

Yes, yes, New York! I'm moving to New York! A friend from high school, her boyfriend, and I are moving into a lovely apartment in East Harlem. After I emailed her about my 4-person dish set, wok, soup pan, noodle getter, rolling pin, measuring cups, bread pan, salt & pepper shakers, cups, whisk, 13x9 pan, 8" pyrex dish w/lid, cookie sheet, muffin tin, angel food cake pan, "lean, mean, fat grilling machine" and a few other things.... we realize our kitchen will be doubly-stocked in many respects, but hey! I like to cook, she likes to cook, both of our boyfriends like to cook... we need to be prepared. Plus, people living on strict budgets can't be going out to eat too often!

I am very excited for my return to New York. When I walked down 8th Avenue over the Fourth of July weekend I remembered why I liked that place so much. It's neat to feel so tiny and yet so a part of things. I'm a little nervous about the job stuff, but I'm trusting in something that it'll work out. You can only do so much, so, you do those things and stay positive and appreciative of the people who keep things possible.

After all, "If I don't have red, I use blue".

Too Tired to Function

Informative Link of the moment [shared on Justin's fb]


Last week we decided to not have rehearsal on Monday, the 5th. The kids have been picking up the blocking rather quickly so we figured they could learn lines just as well at home as at rehearsal. I did some speedy searching and found a reasonably priced bus ticket from Pittsburgh and made some phone calls. A good family friend, Andy was nice enough to let me stay at his house on Friday night and then drop me off at the bus station at 6:35am the next morning. I rode 8 hours to New York, and inevitably met an interesting conversationalist. I had no intentions of talking; I was quite sleepy. However, she offered me apples and with such friendliness... I digress.

I was tired (and therefore a little cranky and prone to anxiety) for a percentage of the trip, but I can only hope that the wonderful company that I spent time focused more on the other time. Jessica and Lindsay, two friends from my Fall in New York were back in 305 and so I spent time with them on Sunday as we grilled out for the fourth. I had some amazing Thai food that Friday. I watched part of "Serenity," but then was too tired to finish it... which is disappointing because now I have to wait another 6 weeks to see the rest of the movie I had to wait 5 weeks to start...



Well, I have woken up before 6am four of the last five days. If you know me, you know this is ridiculous... especially because there was a run, but no nap today. So, to be brief:

This weekend was wonderful and I am incredibly happy that it worked out.



Approximately six more weeks until I stay for more than 2 days!

11:11

I know nothing lasts forever, but it's nice to have amazing feelings that do last long. While it's sometimes scary... wondering when the shoe will drop... you have to work pretty hard to not, at least kind of, enjoy the warm fuzzies.
Today I'm not putting any effort in resisting them.


But I am getting a little sleeeeepy... if I can just get Cloe to share the pillow...

Crepes, puddles, fake sun, and Andy Griffith

Do you ever feel like you are radiating? It is as if you are like the sun except that your internal explosions are even better than nuclear fusion. I haven't been writing as often lately. I do a lot of reflecting for my senior seminar, but in actual reality I don't take the time to write any of it down. I wish there was a way to simply save all that I was thinking then for later, but my loud mind will just keeping pushing new [or repeated] thoughts to the front of the line.

Kenzie and I went puddle-jumping this afternoon for almost forty minutes. Amy and I made crepes [my first time!] this morning. Sure, there is a lot to do. Yes, it's my last week of classes, but I find it best for me to just continue on "as normal". Normal meaning spending as much time doing wonderful things with fabulous people as possible. Jackie and I will hang out in a little bit and then I will spend the rest of the night [minus the meeting(s)] completing all of those to-do lists.

One thing I really enjoy about Holland is how beautiful it is! There are plenty of beautiful towns around the US and around the world, but I've become particularly fond of this one. I have now gone on two quality [8-12 mile] bike rides in the past week and I have been overwhelmed with the amount of beauty I have encountered. It even feels differently than when I run similar routes. I have two weeks left in this town and there are a couple things I would really like to do before leaving:

Visit tunnel park
Spend more time outside
Run at the place with the funky trees
Go to the beach and The Bowl [if it ever gets warm enough]
Find more exciting things to see on our road trip immediately following graduation. [Here's some information I found on Idaho]
Okay, well... it's a list in progress



I feel sort of obligated to get nostalgic these days. I know that pictures rarely show the yuckier parts of life, but even with those less favorable parts, my life has been pretty wonderful for the past three, three and a half years.
I have my phone set so the news comes up on the main screen. Every time I go to check the time I get the headlines. I have never been so in tune with every tornado, tax reform, or Islamic concern about South Park. If nothing else, I am just reminded daily that loss is inevitable, but there is always beauty too... The Ying and the Yang... Apollo and Dionysos. There is balance and it is infinite.

There are friends to find and people to love. Now I must do my best to live in the active presence and fight the battle against (all kinds of) loneliness.

Love is nothing you can tax

It's my housemate, Jackie B's 22nd birthday!!


Here are some other things you should know:

Fun is often foolish.
You are not a burden.
People can like you just the way you are.
Developing positive emotional attachments to words makes speaking more fun.
Looking in the mirror and saying "I love you" is tough sometimes. That's okay.
Paintings that "don't turn out" are awesome.
Say yes.
Say no.
Be honest.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
You can be variable and flawed and still be good enough.
Both giving and receiving are important and take practice.
Fairies, angels, and goblins...
Saying that you need a hug when someone asks how you are often makes that person's day better too. If they can't give you a hug, that's alright. Not everyone carries one with them on hand.
You belong.
There is room for growth.

I'm not exactly sure why this is, but life is better with love of all kinds in your heart.

Maybe later

Remember those poems you used to write where it was a word vertical and other words horizontal. In the near future I'd like to pretend to be in second grade and write one. In the meantime, I'm thankful for:


Running with Meghan
Sunshine
Flowers
Green grass
Good conversations
Phone calls
Drinking in the afternoon
Water
Librarians
Joanne
Reading
Renewing old friendships
More good conversations
Successful run-throughs
Non-violence techniques for change

The Sound of Thunder

Last night I came home from work with a strange sense of restless energy. I talked Amy's and Nick's ears off, obviously improving their nights with silliness involving cuddling, condoms, story time, and the Flight of the Concords. Eventually I let them be and went upstairs to attempt to fall asleep. It took quite the while and so I should have re-awoken and wrote my list of thanks, but I was determined to fall asleep... so here it is now:


I am going to have a pen pal!
My roommate's awesome dedication to Model UN
The AMAZING downpours I walked in... soaked to the skin, but happy
Finally catching up with Schae-schae a bit. I miss my best friend.
The women in career services who helped me realize that all the decisions I have to make are really just a million great opportunities.
Julie. It's rare to find such wonderful friends who really understand you, but I guess I'm just really, really blessed.
Walking back from the Knick with Radha :)
My Senior Seminar class listening to my stories and supporting each other. Sometimes it takes four years to realize half the rest of the world feels just as out of place as you. Hopefully this will help me to remember to open up at the right times in the future. There are so many wonderful people out there.
Avery and her "ghetto girl strut", the baby Jalicious, and soul music
Nick and Amy laughing with me
New running shoes
Taking off wet socks
Doing my best to be okay.

The third [of 40] day of written thankfulness

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."
-Emerson


Oh! A wonderful Friday full of things to be thankful for...

-An understanding production team that doesn't increase my stress when I'm late
-My body for letting me bike for just over an hour AND lift a bit
-Reading an entire book for myself while I biked/being able to do something I wanted to do instead of what I felt obligated to do
-Hot chocolate
-Having immense love for "nonsense"
-Getting a tiny bit of the kitchen clean
-Oyster Crackers and 0-point Vegetable soup
-Man Vs. Food
-Julie's message: "tag, you're it!"
-People who believe in love and falling in love

A Different Kind of Love

I am going to Toledo tomorrow [Friday] to spend the night with the extended family.
My Grandpa's funeral is on Saturday.
I need to see my family. It's so strange how you can be perfectly okay without seeing them for a certain amount of time and then one day life strikes and you find yourself struggling to get through the week before you see them.

Now let's just hope the snow is kind to my poor little car <3


---------




This is the journal entry I wrote for my senior seminar class. When I wrote it I felt as though I needed to keep it personal, bu right now, at 2am, after an emotional exhausting day, I want to share it.

I am not wearing a veil or all black, but I need time to mourn. I am actually wearing more pink and all of blankets, but that has more to do with what was clean and the temperature of my house than any sort of cultural tradition. My Grandpa Kenny passed away early Sunday morning while he slept. He was ninety-three years old and while that was enough time to live a plentiful life, it does not mean I do not need to take time to reflect.

My Grandpa Kenny outlived two wives (each whom he was with for over twenty-five years). He was a brilliant engineer and a crazy driver. I visited him in January and I think this is why I need to take more time than I have with other deaths. There is probably a real name for this, but I am going to call it the “but I just saw him phenomenon”. My Grandma Pearl and my Aunt Darlene passed away my sophomore year and junior year, respectively. It had been a full year before their deaths that I last saw them. When Fred, a good friend from church, passed away it had been awhile since I had seen him too. I only go to Florida every once in a great while. I hardly attend my home church because I am never in Ohio anymore. I would not see them anyways; this makes their deaths less real. However, I just visited my Grandpa the week before school began. While I know it was his time and his small existence exhausted my Uncle, whom my Grandpa lived with, strong emotions show up when I try to imagine that he is not physically or mentally here at all.



Not seeing my Aunt Darlene, who was so young when she passed, and my Grandma Pearl while I was in Florida this January made their deaths more real too. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to be sad for more than one passing. I am sad for all that my Uncle Dick has balanced and I am sad that my mom and her siblings had to deal with her mother passing away so young. My mom’s mom passed weeks after she graduated from college, but a couple of weeks before she was married. Dealing with one death, by itself would be much simpler than balancing all of these old and new hurts.
I cannot help, but wonder if I would be taking this all as deeply if I were not talking about death in both senior seminar, world religions, and my house (where friends of Emma and David live).


On January 18th I wrote this in my journal/blog and I keep reading it because I am feeling it even more than when I wrote it:

M: ...she's a youth pastor or, well, young adult pastor I guess
S: Eh, youth pastor. We're still youth. We're still lost.
M: Yes, we are still lost.
What do you do when someone who is part of your life is no longer there? What do you do to bridge the gap?

[... Scroll to January 18th to read the middle section of this entry....]

Death hath not touched it all, dead though the house of it seems!

And as true or not true as that may be, I still need to mourn and most people I know still need that time to continue. And either way you look at it, it's tough.

[end of blog]

This week has been tough. I canceled all but one of my Monday meetings and work calls and stayed in bed until 3. I have been sleeping more than normal and I spend a lot of time just talking about nothing to my housemates to try and process where I am at. I am a very fortunate person as I have great housemates (for the first time in four years), as well as communities all over that still send me positive vibes. I received love and encouragement via facebook from friends, friends’ boyfriends, pastors, family friends, and people from both of my abroad experiences. I try to focus on them.

On Saturday I will be in Ohio for my Grandpa’s funeral and I am looking forward to it. DeRose family funerals are, in general, a good time of tears and laughter… just the way funerals should be. I just need to remember to breathe.


[end of Senior Sem Journal entry]



I need to sleep.

If all the raindrops... (weren't silver dollars)

In the movie we were watching there was a man entering a mansion and one of the men standing by the door walked over to the man's car and put the umbrella out. The man would not have to get wet in the rain in the couple feet it took him to get from the car to the front door. The guy I was watching the movie with told me that some day he wants to be rich enough to have that happen to him. I knew I didn't feel the same, but I couldn't totally articulate what I was feeling. Today I was thinking about this moment and it occurred to me, I never need to be rich enough for that, I hope I am always free enough to leave my house to dance in the rain. And I pray I am always rich enough to have warm clothes to put on after my dance or perhaps the warm body of someone I love to cuddle with.

I do not like umbrellas. I like sitting in meetings wet even less so I own one, but I like to acknowledge the rain as the beautiful reality it is. When the rain is warm it is so cleansing I know my soul is real and honest again. I am washed over with the sense that I am real and I am here.

Of course... sometimes umbrellas are wonderful...

ps. People in ponchos make me giggle. I think people in love standing in ponchos are extra awesome.

for now

I don't need anyone in particular. I just need someone. Lucky for me I have quite a few someones with beautiful souls in my life. If you don't want to be added to that list. It's okay.

I'm okay.

We've never met, but she already lived my life.

I opened the bulletin and read "Peanut Butter". I immediately called my friend, Rachel. We lived together in Timmer and listened to Andrea Gibson together. We also both love SARK.

I read Andrea Gibson's poem "Blue Blanket" at the Take Back the Night March last fall.

"Photograph" explained my heart for a very long time. It still makes me fear the fall. Autumn is my favorite season. Robert Frost knows about the "Leaf Treader". Autumn is the hardest season.

I am in love with Andrea Gibson.
She makes me cry cleansing tears.

Listen to her words.