Dear Friends and Lovers,

(of the Midwest)

My dear, dear friends Amy and Nick are getting married on Saturday, May 7th. Now, when two people are this adorable and this in love, you just can't stay home and think about it in your own city. You must board your megabus, be driven a few hours from the stop to Ohio, and then drive a different car to the adorable camp where they once met and celebrate it with your favorite friends who you haven't seen in a year. So, that, my friends, is what I shall do. Below is the itinerary. I'm posting it because

if you are free and in Ohio or Michigan on the respective days, let me know and we'll play. It'll be great!

WEDNESDAY:
Morning in NYC
Afternoon/night on the Megabus

THURSDAY
12:00am: Pittsburgh to Amherst
Sleep
4:30pm Wedding Food Tasting for my sister's wedding!
After that: Cinco de May celebrating with Mike, Jeni, Jenkins, etc.

FRIDAY
Wedding present buying/wrapping
Packing for the adventure
Running with Jessica
Sleepover, either with JB & FW or Melissa

SATURDAY: WEDDING DAY!!!!
Drive to Onekama, Michigan and celebrate the lovers!
Have a day at camp! Note to self: Bring other shoes for wondering around Portage Lake Bible Camp!
And a sleepover with my favorite housemates [minus one... you know, because it's her wedding night] in a cabin!

SUNDAY:
Drop off Jackie in GR and [mope about it]
Drive to Holland, MI for Hope College Graduation 2011
Sleepover somewhere

Monday:
Breakfast with Tim
Lunch with The Grandparents
Quality time with Melissa if no Friday sleepover
Quality time with the parents

TUESDAY:
Morning in Amherst
Afternoon drive to Pittsburgh
Return to New York by midnight
My apartment by 1:30am.



On an unrelated note: Brussel sprouts get a terrible reputation and to those poor mini-cabbages, I'm sorry. you sound way worse than you actually are. Dribble some olive oil, salt & pepper on those veggies and stick them in the oven on 400* and you'll understand. Better yet, let some leaves fall off and let them get super crispy... better than some chips.

Just, ya know, being thankful

I'm a tabber. I usually only have one window up, maybe 2 if I want to focus on a specific project without the other tabs, but tabs range from 4-24. These days each tab is a potential new job. I'd like to work on some of these tabs tonight so I won't type long, but I have a lot to tell you. Alas, time is short, body is tired and bullet points show up:

-I learned to surf this past weekend! Kind of. I stood up a few times. I'm no expert, but I understand why people love it now.

-I ran today. I sent my broken phone back. I accomplished a task I've had on the to-do list since January. I judged a show down by Lafayette. It was a productive day.

-I love my family. I spent Easter weekend in Florida with my mom's side of the family because my Uncle's wedding occurred on Holy Saturday. I had an absolutely fabulous time. I don't know anyone else with a family as much fun as mine is. One night my immediate family + a fiance + a cousin went in the ocean sometime after midnight and battled the waves for what seemed like hours, or at least an hour.

-The bridal shower was at a restaurant on the ocean. It looked a little fake, but it was real.

-My mom made everyone [no, really, everyone] a delicious brunch Easter morning

-We all danced, and danced a lot at the wedding. My uncle and I even did a bit of swing dancing.

-My sister and I ran 2 out of the 3 days. One of those days was a 6 miler in the upper 80s, lower 90s + humidity.... the morning after a lot of salt water & alcohol. Woo dehydration! I've ran 2 out of the 3 days since I've been home.

-I called about one of my resumes and cover letters today. I'd really, really love this job. The HR department's machine picked up and I was too scared to leave a message.

-Last night Lindsay and I went down to DUMBO to see a friend of mine's friend's show, but alas I made the classic Monday this week, Tuesday next week mistake and there was no show. Instead we wandered a little bit. A seemingly nerdier-hipsterish-our-size marching band came out of a building and played in an empty parking lot. We then got recruited for a comedy show that was actually free, no drink minimum, no tips... just fairly decent comedy.

-I'm unbelievably excited for my sister's wedding in September. I'm also trying to figure out how we're ever going to go get to talk to/see all of those people who will be there. Our family alone has so many amazing people connected to it: "The Moms," both sides of our family, the card group, the Port Clinton friends, etc. etc.

-I'm planning for the days surrounding Amy & Nick's wedding in 2 weekends. So far I'm trying to fit in: Cinco de Mayo with Mike, Jeni, Jenkins +/- whomever else shows up, a run with Jessica, possibly wedding-food tasting for the September wedding, a small roadtrip across Michigan, back, across, and back again, a WEDDING, dancing with the newlyweds, Jackie, Faith & Meghan, a sleepover in a cabin... in the woods... in our sleeping bags!, a stopover in Holland, quality time with Tim, good conversations with Lissa, and probably a little bit of time with my parents... or at least my dad when he drives me back to Pittsburgh to get back on the Megabus.


Enough enthusiasm for the past/present/future, back to that cover letter...

Give thanks and rejoice

Last year for Lent I wrote a list of things I was thankful for every day. I didn't do that this Lent. It might've helped my frame of mind as I dealt with some especially undesirable stress, but I didn't. However I enjoyed it and throughout the rest of the church calendar year, and again through this year I feel as though my mind is more and more likely to note the things I'm grateful for. Since I won't have time to do it this weekend, here's this year's all-at-once Lenten List of Thankfulness

Thank you to...
Housemates that deal with my quirkiness
Friends that ask for advice, especially the relationship[ish] kind
Sally. One solid good friend* really cuts down a lot of things you can complain about... and gives you someone to complain about the rest to
*Note: I have other friends, but if you live with the people they're semi-exempt because you can't let yourself overuse them and I'm talking short-distance friendships
Everyone else who came to our party. I had an absolutely wonderful time. I would've had a great time even if it'd been just the 3 of us + sally, but taboo and conversation was just...sigh, thank you.
Friends who let me sleep in their beds or on their couches, often with only 2 days advance notice
Touchy-feely-at-appropriate times people. Sometimes you just need a hug +/- and New York isn't a warm fuzzy city so it's great when you can find those people
The optimists
The Awake! who serve as reminders that I have good energy and I should do nothing less than love and radiate the good stuff
My mom who'll still order my prescription if I'm getting too stressed about it
My dad who'll make sure the car's ready for me to drive to wherever or whatever thing it is I need to make visiting other people possible
My long-distance housemates. I'm still so grateful for that last semester of college and you still having you all in my life
Amy & Nick. 2 people in love is a fabulous thing
Kathryn, for making me feel as though people do want to hang out with me!
Everyone who has ever made an effort to hang out with someone else. It's a reminder that "people can like you just the way you are" and sometimes we 20somethings need those
Old text messages that you reread on your old cell phone that still give you new warm fuzzies
My sister who comes to visit and doesn't get frustrated with me when I'm a little bit of a mess
My brother who tolerates me and will pay for most of the present when I'm too poor
The cell phone gods who protected my phone from water damage
Helpful people. There are so many of you in the world and you're wonderful!
My Grandparents who answer the phone with such enthusiasm that you really feel like you matter
My family. I can't wait to see a bunch of them in the next 2 weeks
All of those people who keep emotionally supporting me and are excited that I'm "fulfilling my dream" or whatever phrase they chose to use. I'm not sure if they're completely right, but they do make me feel good about my choices. Thank you!
FB msg pen pals <3 This blog for reminding me that there are superheroes among us... and really good parents that are my own
Isaac for encouraging me to go to church. And then for going to brunch with me afterward and reknewing my faith in theatre... all of the time
American Theatre magazine for reminding me that Boal technique is thriving and purposeful.
People who read my blog so my little counter can lead me to believe that people are interested in my life
Idealist.org for posting meaningful job openings
My plants, for growing sometimes.

Okay, I know that's a weird one to end on, but it just hit me. I'm tired. Thank you for reading. Thanks for being such great people and thank you for being.

Surely Tums Will Help

Laying here, in my apartment in New York I had a flashback to the night before I came home from college, at the end of my first year. I laid on the floor of my dorm in Kollen Hall and waited for my friend to call me and tell me where the end of the year track party was.  She never called and eventually I just accepted that I was spending my last night alone.  We were both insecure and so I understood her fear of inviting someone to a place she was probably already having difficulty feeling a part of.  Looking back on it, we were silly, but at the time it seemed to matter.  I spent the rest of the night walking around, trying to soak in the campus. It was late April, early May. The grass was this rich grass green, and it has rained recently and so it felt like a real spring.  I don't remember being hot or cold, but simply craving.  I was craving to be in love with the world as I once had been.  I know this because I wrote it down.  I was also a little afraid to go home.  I didn't have a job lined up and I'm pretty sure I already knew I was about to get broken up with.  It wasn't for another month, but I knew it was coming.  Having a broken heart doesn't just keep you from falling in love with another boy, but keeps you from falling in love with the world.

I healed. It took a long time, but I healed.

Earlier I was talking with a friend about these guys in our lives.  We do this quite a bit.  It's fun... usually.  Often I try to help her work through thoughts about her love life and the questions I ask her to answer, I ask myself. It's good for growth.  It's nice to have friends like this.  I was telling her how something incredibly [seemingly] insignificant made me cry last night.  And I talked about falling.  Sometimes, by the time a relationship ends, that first part, the part when everything is new and exciting, if a little intimidating, falls away.  But, since this all happened at such an important time in my life, I can bring it to the front of my mind, like I imagine he does in the The Giver... so much so that if I had that power, someone else could feel it too.  I don't normally record those feelings in public domain.  It's dangerous. You never know who'll read them or misinterpret them. But, why is that enough to stop me?  I want to remember what that feels like.  It's awesome. It doesn't have to necessarily be falling in love, but the realization that you and someone else both think the other is great!  It's exciting and depending on who you are, it may cause you to act incredibly silly.  That's typically me.  Then again, a lot of things bring out my silly side.  My brother knew something up was up when I got in the car.  I seriously spent the entire spring break, and a good amount of time after I returned to school, high as a fucking kite, sans drugs.  I couldn't stop smiling and my insides felt like they were constantly injected with energy.  When I think about that too much I want nothing more than to fall in love again just so I have someone new to associate it with, who reciprocates it.

That's essentially verbatim to what I told my friend.  I then followed it up with a retraction because I have jobs to apply for.  I can't take risks with my heart right now.  A broken heart keeps me in bed longer than the flu.

But, it's still sort of fun to remember... remember having your heart jump when the phone rings and trying to not talk your friends' ears off about thing that seem so mundane to them. 

I was going to give you more detail and then I realized... a have a silver notebook.   And sometimes we don't share details with the world... or even good friends, not because we're scared, but because they're too sacred.  I think those words often get confused. 

As I told Jessica... "Goodnight! I love you! And make good choices... you know, ones that make you happy when you wake up"

I'm really grateful for my good friends. 

Lately I've felt that my stories and experiences are becoming less and less unique and therefore less and less necessary to share with the blogosphere.  We all meet people. We all have our heart broken [some people by things other than relationships]. We all feel inadequate some days and [hopefully] as though we're fulfilling some great need other days.  Of course, this blog was also a method of sharing with friends, but things haven't really changed: I'm still here, still tumbling through a bunch of emotions, searching with my eyes closed.

The 6-10ish $1 seeds and baby pots I bought the other day are the best investment I've made in awhile.  They're [almost- darn cilantro...] all growing. The little bits of green help me forget that it's still cold and that I'm feeling... a lot of things.

There's a lot of thinking, while typing, hence the ... and , .

That said, last weekend I went to my best friend's wedding and felt incredibly "right".  While I could  never live there, as the conservative nature of Henderson, Nebraska would eventually get under my skin and I'm simply not at the same stage as Schae, the community that surrounds her, that instantly brought me in, filled a gap.  It's a gap that I often surface over and, whether I realize it or not, ignore.  I'm too tough to let it get me. I'm a woman, an individual, and capable of anything.  Rawr.  I won't crumble for simple needs any more. Or, at least, that's where I am today.  Two weeks ago I suddenly became incredibly emotional when out with a group of friends for no simple reason. I immediately needed to go home and crawl in bed.  The next day a friend called and asked if he could visit that day. I gladly said yes and while I still had to focus on work, he gave me the recharge I needed.

This past weekend was another renewal, but also a gentle shake from a slumber I hadn't acknowledged I was in.
I'm beginning to think that we don't come into this world alone... or leave it alone.  Perhaps this is true physically, but just because my body is made of dust, doesn't mean anything else is.  We come in this world with a metaphysical love around us and regardless of what happens while we're here, we leave with it too. Or, at least, this is what I believe today.  Perhaps it's for my own comfort that I believe it.  Or, perhaps, I'm right.

No Rest for the Familial

I intended to start this post talking about being an electrician and how it is tough when you're insecure, but then I was in Starbucks and saw a great big sister and changed my mind.

Olya is small, but not terribly toddlerish, maybe 3. She has a brand new baby sister whom is so tiny she must either be less than a month or a pre-me. Olya is losing the majority of the attention she has been receiving for the past three years, but she "gets" that her sister is someone important, someone worth helping. So, when her sister loses her pacifier because it's hard to hold in her mouth while crying, Olya will pick it up (from a quarter of an inch away from her sister's face) and put it back in her sister's mouth. Of course, when she is unsuccessful, her mom may think that Olya took the pacifier and caused the crying, rather than trying to be the solution, but that (hopefully) won't deter her from being there and helping her sister find what's right in front of her face in the future.

My siblings are pretty amazing. We're all closer to the handing out pacifier phase than we are the receiving, but it's still pretty wonderful to have them around, to help me with what's right in front of my face and with what's not. I spent Thanksgiving in Ohio and while it wasn't a particularly restful holiday, it was a good time. My whole family came to the airport to pick me up and the family time continued for the rest of the weekend. I look forward to seeing them again in 2-3 weeks!



When I wasn't with my family I was with my fabulous, fabulous friends. As I told my mom and Miller, my friend karma has come back to me 10-fold. I used to put a lot of effort into friendships that didn't always having a reciprocating counterpart, but now I have fabulous friends all around the world who I consistently exchange happiness and love with... and a particularly great group back in Ohio. They're crazy and I might not be the best apples-to-apples player with them, but they always make for a good time and love me, even when I forget the cinnamon applesauce.

Because one is silver and other's gold

You know how sometimes you have something, be it a pair of jeans or shoes or a stuffed animal and you know you should get a new one(s), but you really just liked your old one(s) and don't feel like getting a new one because you'd just rather pout about how you miss the one(s) you had?

Well, I feel that way about a lot of not tangible things these days.



I know, I know, get out of the rut Goss, move on.




Working.




*Hums that Girl Scouts song, wishing it was just friends because she really felt good in those jeans*

Repeating Myself vs. Keeping you Informed

My past week has been a mix of "UGH!" experiences and giant sighs of relief (or other feelings which are the opposite of "UGH!").

Bike Accident vs. New Friend [the night before]

I bought a bike last week. By riding my bike to work I was hoping to reduce the amount of money I would spend on the Subway and increase the amount of exercise I was getting. This plan almost worked.
I later realized that because of bad weather, lack of time, excessive distances, and frustration with pedestrian and car traffic, I would still be riding the Subway so much that it was the most fiscally responsible choice to buy the monthly pass. I bought one yesterday.
The Saturday after I bought the bike I was riding to Bryant Park and was affirmed that the tire, which I had refilled the day before, had something wrong with the tube and needed a new one. The back tire was completely flat so I stopped riding, took it onto the subway (the bruises on my legs wish I had insisted on buying a lighter bike) and got to Bryant Park half-way through the concert. Instead of taking my bike all the way back to East Harlem I decided I would just take it across town and leave it at work. The building was open and I had office keys. There's even a bike shop down the street I could get it fixed at. Well, the door guy wouldn't let me take it up and I ended up paying (the bike got more and more expensive as time went on...) the gym next door to let me leave the bike with them; I didn't trust my cheap target lock overnight.
So, Monday came around, through some sneaky help from Jose, who works at the gym I managed to get the bike up into my office and had an uncomfortable day at the desk. However, I got it fixed that night and rode it home. About half-way home I was stopped at a light and met a new friend. We ended up walking 2-1/2 miles together and enjoyed some quality getting-to-know-you conversation. Woo! Benefit of having a bike, comfortable timing to start a conversation at a stop light.
And! I could still ride my bike to work sometimes just for the exercise! Right?
Well, the next day I went to ride my bike to work and about a mile into the ride along the East River Bike Path (so no, I wasn't biking on the sidewalks) a pedestrian, who had been walking in a straight line in the middle of the path, suddenly decided he wanted to move to the left as I was passing him. I moved slightly to the left, my handle bar was caught in the fence and I went down.. hard. The guy just looked at me on the ground and walked away. Woo for rude people! I got up and sat on the side of the path for a little bit nursing my boo-boos. My left knee was a royal mess, my hand had all sorts of grossness in it, my right knee had a bruise forming, my right elbow was bleeding, and my right back shoulder was scraped up. Sometimes when things like that happen you just need to sit and cry. I left a message on the work machine that I'd be late and I sat and cried. A couple minutes later a guy came by and asked if I had broken anything. I said no and he told me to not cry about it for too long then. I wasn't sure how to take his advice, but in time I remembered that I needed to get to work so I did. I was sore for the next few days and today (Sunday) was the first day I ran again. My back still sort of hurts from it. So, the bike has not increased my exercising.
At this point, I think the 'ugh' bike accident won this one.


Solo Date Night: Soda vs. The Moth

Thursday I decided to take myself on a date. I took the B/D down to the West Village to see a Moth Story Slam. The train I was on had to wait for a stalled train up ahead so I arrived 30 minutes later than I thought I would. While it was still an hour before it started, the line was long so I decided I'd eat dinner afterward and get in line before I risked not being able to get in. While in line I, for the first time in a long time, told the guy in line that was talking to (not with) me that I was not interested in having the conversation. Maybe it's just me, but after a long day at work, I don't want to be lectured on Goldman Sachs's bonuses. I tried my best to be polite and I don't think I offended the guy. Truthful politeness is beneficial; Preaching to the choir is not.
The Moth Story Slam was enjoyable and it was something on my list that I'm glad I kept an eye on... worth the $8.

After the Story Slam I ventured off to the MacBar, where I had intended to go before hand. I wanted to scope it out for future visitors. Delicious. I had the Mayan Chipolte, but, as chipolte often does, it required a beverage. However, the liquids at the MacBar were all overpriced so I decided to just eat quickly and get a less overpriced something-or-other at the corner store down the road. I ended up buying a $1.29 glass soda... the kind you usually see at Mexican restaurants. Of course, once I walked away from the store I realized it wasn't a twist off. Way too cool to go back to ask if they had a bottle opener, but too thirsty to not drink it until I was home, I decided to look for something I could pop it off with. I found an unguarded police barrier and decided it was just the thing. Well, I pulled and pulled and it wouldn't come off. Finally I just yanked the bottle. I had moved my top hand... the cap flew and bam! I drank a bit quick and then attempted to discreetly hold the bottle against my eye, hoping that it would keep the swelling down so I wouldn't have to admit I received a black eye from a bottle cap.
I was fairly successful.

Moth wins.

The fact that the bookstore, Housing Works (great books and great mission, check it out) where the Story Slam occurred, had Peter Hall's Diaries for $8 and I went back the following evening to purchase it only added bonus points.


Failing at Giving Up Sugar vs. ReWWing (again)
A couple of days ago I thought I could join Heather in giving up sugar. I did really well for the first 24-48 hours. Day 3... sigh.

So I decided I need more structure and accountability. So, it's back to the Weight Watchers' counter on my phone I go! I wish I had had more success with giving up sugar. I know messing up one day doesn't mean I can't give it up the next day, and I am definitely going to attempt to stay in that area, but I think more of my focus will go to WW. It's clearer in its 'you did well!' or didn't.


Panic Attack on Subway vs. Counting by 14's

Yesterday Cameron, Lindsay, Jay (a new friend of Lindsay's), and I were in the East Village. We had lunch together and then went to 16 Handles (they mean the handles you pull down for soft serve, but I try to remember that I don't want 16 Love Handles). Then it was suggested we eat it in the park, I thought they meant the one on Ave A. They meant the one that I used to love walking by becasue of the great people and now it just makes my heart hurt. I thought, maybe, I could still go, but as soon as I walked in my chest tightened up and I had to leave. I sat outside the park and focused on breathing and ice cream... realized I wasn't going to recompose myself despite the deliciousness and told L, C, & J I was going home.
After getting on the 6 train I sat and focused on one spot; I was fine. Then, they held the train and didn't open the doors... for 5-8 minutes. They're supposed to open the doors. They had broken my focus. I was messy. They finally opened the doors before they departed and I got off the train. I stood and counted up by 14, starting from a number not divisible by 14.
It worked.
I stepped onto the next train and took a nap when I got home. I was back in the world.
I like to think the win goes to the Number 14.


Needing People vs Having People

Do you ever have those moments when all you seem to be able to do is miss people and feel nostalgic for other times? Lately I have been missing having a cross country team more and more. I, daily, miss my housemates [spring 10] and my close friends from other parts and times of my life.
It's the strangest paradox because I become so frustrated at myself for NEEDING these people. I'd like to imagine that I can be happy and productive without them. However, I do have them, and I am endlessly grateful for them.

I guess at the end of the day it's a tie and I win?


3 Weeks Vs. 3 Weeks

Leaving a job that makes you restless: a giant sigh of relief
Not having a job and being completely unsure of what happens next: a little scarier

I am trusting in the world that I will win out in this one. How can't I? I am leaving before I begin to COMPLETELY brush off my job, and my employers and I are on the same page. I left our meeting and felt an incredible adrenaline rush and a weight off my shoulders.

Plus, the Waiting Room [waiting for a certain job to just show up] is not for me.

"NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing."
-Dr. Seuss



They may be figurative Boom Bands, but yes, yes, I will.

A Spattering

Friends are important. I like the idea of spending time with them.
We had our very first dinner party last night and it was absolutely wonderful... laughter and delightful foods were enjoyed by all (I think)(at least by me a lot).

Success, by any definition is hard to find. Ralph's definition is particularly difficult. Must we all post it on our fridge?
To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."

I'm scared of not succeeding.

In order to fight against the "but I'm too tired to run" thing I've been doing for the past month, I brought my running clothes to work and I'm just going to run home with my phone in one hand and my keys in the other. Woo!

It's going to DOWNPOUR on the way home. I'm banking on it being cleansing.



Songs like this make me cry.

The Hippo's Campus

"If I don't have red, I use blue"
Pablo Picasso


We don't know if it's because of the way we look at the world, searching for the positive, or if it's because life is this way, but my mom, sister, and I have all had conversations (in the last month-ish) about how wonderful things are. There's a sort of fear or nervousness that the other shoe will drop soon, but we have to appreciate the beauty and peace that has been in our lives in the present and recent past whether some fancy footwear is waiting for its moment or not.

Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect. There are still "friends" who don't return phone calls, co-workers who don't communicate, people who get upset for what feels like no reason at all, and things that get seemingly made up just to feed the fires of negativity. However, the amount of love that has surrounded my family recently fills us with joy rather than the other, less favorable emotions.

This summer has been wonderfully good to me. I was uncertain how returning to Amherst would be after graduation, but I found my fit into summer skin and am surrounded by great people once again. I work with a dedicated group and help to create amazing children's theatre. There's a younger group in the morning and an older group in the afternoon. The 33 2nd-5th graders can be exhausting, but they have something to give to the art. The 17 6th-8th grade girls do an impressive job of supporting each other and consistently reminding me what a blessing a creative space can be. And, they let me be silly and productive at the same time. Those two hours of my day are often my favorite and I am super excited for next weekend when the kids finally get their chance in the spotlight.

July 30th (Friday) and 31st (Saturday)
Cinderella's Glass Slipper (6:00 pm)
and
School House Rock Live Jr. (8:30 pm)
at Amherst High School Cafetorium

They're fun shows... you should come see them! Let me know if you'd like more details :) Come help us move on Sunday [10AM at the Jr. High] if you want a sneak peak at the props ;)


In addition to being a part of 2 successful productions I have had social time! Jeni, Mike, Jenkins, Evan, & Tim have taken me into their group and let me feel like I have effortless friends again. Just last night Jeni, Jenkins, and I went to see Sandstone's opening night of "Children of Eden" (which was great, fyi). I visited with some audience, orchestra, tech, and cast members and then remet them, along with Mike & Evan, up at Church Street. It's fabulous to be able to sit and enjoy good company and unusual conversations!

I have also been able to catch up with a few other friends from high school! Lizzy was in from Maryland/DC area and we went to Oberlin's production of "Our Town". I had never seen "Our Town" and was amazed by how much I enjoyed it and, despite it being done so often, it still manages to spark something. I also had a chance to see Christy before she left for Togo (today!!). And, my saving grace, and the reason I have grown too wide for all of my clothes, Tealla has been around this summer. We run a few mornings a week. While 6am is rough, Alyssa and Jessica have even been able to join us a few days. I wish I could take them all with me every time I move. They're great motivators and patient, but pressing running buddies. We understand the team aspect of an individual sport and there aren't many people who do.

Until a week ago I hadn't had the chance to see any college friends since I left Jackie in Seattle. Amazingly Kent's family stayed in a hotel down the street from me on their drive to the East Coast and he called me! I gave him a "tour" of Amherst which included nearly hitting a deer by crown hill and swinging at Powers..Obviously the later was the more enjoyable. Seeing Kent made college feel less like a figment of my imagination. I have had the chance to skype with Jeri, skype chat with Meghan, and phone Jackie B. I have also kept up (to extent) with friends on facebook, which I'm grateful for. It's amazing to have people in Nagpur (India), Chicago, and Seattle supporting your adventures. Then again, they're having amazing adventures so there is no way I couldn't support theirs! And these three are only a small portion of the multitudes... While Hope's public statements may be a bit 'over religious' for me and the anti-choice and anti-rights vibes may be a bit discouraging, the school attracted some amazing people who have helped me form into a more balanced being and I can't appreciate that enough.


This summer has, as desired, been a great chance to spend time with my family. I was able to spend the weekend JEFF PROPOSED TO MY SISTER with them. I was able to help my Grandparents move. I have had the chance to see all of my Dad's brothers and even saw my Aunt Janice in May. My sister's marriage (September 2011) also means more family! Anna Jo came to Ohio for a little over a week and during that time she picked a place for the reception AND found her wedding dress!!! She looks absolutely gorgeous... there will not be a dry tear at that wedding. My sister has always been beautiful, but it's exciting to see her in a dress that brings out the presence and a sparkle in her eye. Jeff's parents and sister, along with my parents and I were all able to look at the reception location. We all agree it is perfect. And, my sister, moved up her shopping date (she originally planned on waiting a bit longer) so I could be there, along with Mrs. Karp, Amanda, and my mom to shop for dresses with her. It was really cool to be able to all be there to support my sister. It all became a little more real when she put that crazy veil on.

And while veils aren't even something I can begin to fathom trying on at this point in my life, I do have an increasingly wonderful relationship with a friend of mine. It's nice to have a healthy relationship... It's nice to get warm fuzzies so regularly.

Oh! And I received a call for an interview in New York this past Monday (while we were dress shopping). The fact that the interview is a little delayed gives me a bit of a negative feeling, but it was encouraging to get a phone call. Obviously the woman didn't have my undivided attention, sooooo... I'll see where it goes and probably call them on Monday if I don't hear anything.

Yes, yes, New York! I'm moving to New York! A friend from high school, her boyfriend, and I are moving into a lovely apartment in East Harlem. After I emailed her about my 4-person dish set, wok, soup pan, noodle getter, rolling pin, measuring cups, bread pan, salt & pepper shakers, cups, whisk, 13x9 pan, 8" pyrex dish w/lid, cookie sheet, muffin tin, angel food cake pan, "lean, mean, fat grilling machine" and a few other things.... we realize our kitchen will be doubly-stocked in many respects, but hey! I like to cook, she likes to cook, both of our boyfriends like to cook... we need to be prepared. Plus, people living on strict budgets can't be going out to eat too often!

I am very excited for my return to New York. When I walked down 8th Avenue over the Fourth of July weekend I remembered why I liked that place so much. It's neat to feel so tiny and yet so a part of things. I'm a little nervous about the job stuff, but I'm trusting in something that it'll work out. You can only do so much, so, you do those things and stay positive and appreciative of the people who keep things possible.

After all, "If I don't have red, I use blue".

Ready... Freddy... Go!

Tomorrow is Commencement.

Commencement is:

1. The first existence of anything; act or fact of commencing; rise; origin; beginning; start.


Many people sit and reminisce about dorm experiences and studying in the pine grove. We have walked to school in snow storms that could bury the smaller students and completed papers that have and they are both things to take note of. We are not the first or last to experience anything, but we should treasure it. I have plenty to be thankful for. My time at Hope College has been filled with joys, neutral feelings, and the less favorable kind, but it was time and I like to think I've grown, that we've grown. We've figured a couple things out and now we're ready to commence! It's time to begin. With an even stronger safety net that's further than it's ever been, we are entrusted with great knowledge to achieve great things and love fully.

Nine members of my family are in Holland this weekend for my graduation. While the actual event may not warrant throngs of people flocking from Ohio, I believe any opportunity to spend time with family is [almost always] one to be taken. I have amazing parents who believe in me and are 100% behind me. I have siblings that are already accomplishing great things and continue to care about their work, their friends, and their loved ones. I have Grandparents who love each other and who struggle every day, but remain strong and love even stronger now than ever before. I have relatives that care and a family that wants to be a family. I hope to always be in and foster such families. Whether it's a Confucian duty or something completely different, I don't know. I just know that they radiate strength and love and I want to radiate it back.



In truth, thanks to everyone. Sure, there are certain events in the last four years one could complain about, and I won't try to claim that I was always in a place that felt "right," but there have always been people there to support and love me. My whole senior seminar class seemed to do that this semester and not a single one of them was obligated to in any way. They encourage my belief in "Good People".

Thank you for making the last 4, and the last 21/22 years of my life what it has been. Tomorrow is commencement, but we already know that every beginning is some other ending... and that's okay.




Things I love:
Seeing friends out
My housemates
Adventures
My Grandparents
Nice Displays of Affection
Affection
Breathing

Crepes, puddles, fake sun, and Andy Griffith

Do you ever feel like you are radiating? It is as if you are like the sun except that your internal explosions are even better than nuclear fusion. I haven't been writing as often lately. I do a lot of reflecting for my senior seminar, but in actual reality I don't take the time to write any of it down. I wish there was a way to simply save all that I was thinking then for later, but my loud mind will just keeping pushing new [or repeated] thoughts to the front of the line.

Kenzie and I went puddle-jumping this afternoon for almost forty minutes. Amy and I made crepes [my first time!] this morning. Sure, there is a lot to do. Yes, it's my last week of classes, but I find it best for me to just continue on "as normal". Normal meaning spending as much time doing wonderful things with fabulous people as possible. Jackie and I will hang out in a little bit and then I will spend the rest of the night [minus the meeting(s)] completing all of those to-do lists.

One thing I really enjoy about Holland is how beautiful it is! There are plenty of beautiful towns around the US and around the world, but I've become particularly fond of this one. I have now gone on two quality [8-12 mile] bike rides in the past week and I have been overwhelmed with the amount of beauty I have encountered. It even feels differently than when I run similar routes. I have two weeks left in this town and there are a couple things I would really like to do before leaving:

Visit tunnel park
Spend more time outside
Run at the place with the funky trees
Go to the beach and The Bowl [if it ever gets warm enough]
Find more exciting things to see on our road trip immediately following graduation. [Here's some information I found on Idaho]
Okay, well... it's a list in progress



I feel sort of obligated to get nostalgic these days. I know that pictures rarely show the yuckier parts of life, but even with those less favorable parts, my life has been pretty wonderful for the past three, three and a half years.
I have my phone set so the news comes up on the main screen. Every time I go to check the time I get the headlines. I have never been so in tune with every tornado, tax reform, or Islamic concern about South Park. If nothing else, I am just reminded daily that loss is inevitable, but there is always beauty too... The Ying and the Yang... Apollo and Dionysos. There is balance and it is infinite.

There are friends to find and people to love. Now I must do my best to live in the active presence and fight the battle against (all kinds of) loneliness.

My Neighbor

I sort of feel as though today's thank you's should be given exclusively to whatever great force finally got me to Texas to see my incredibly amazing friend Jessica (and Beth as she is now down here too!). We caught up and laughed and had a wonderful lunch [and ice cream, mmmmmm....]. I don't know if anyone remembers that time around high school when there were a lot of days when I felt like I had no real friends and they were all acquaintances, well, Jessica was an exception. And, I think I have just had all those feelings of lacking made up for in amazing friends ten fold in the last three years.

Today I had quality conversation with Jackie, Meghan, Jessica, Beth, and Julie. During my conversations with all of them I sensed a sense of confidence and assurance in the world. We are all fairly uncertain about what's to come, but there was such vigor and purpose in the speech. It moves me. Given, I am still not sure where I am going to end up or what my life means. I have a fairly decent idea of where I want to end up. I am applying to quite a few places back in New York, but I am looking at a fair number of other places too. I am aiming to be within a few hours of family members [New York being the exception]. Anyone who knows me would atest to the fact that I am not a homebody, but at the same time, my family is great and unless something with an incredibly strong pull comes along, I see no reason not to stay within a reasonable distance of someone. By having people in Texas, Colorado, Ohio, California, and Florida... it makes it a bit easier to say all of this; I probably wouldn't say it if it limited me to Ohio. Of course, the US as a whole isn't thaaaat big- so most places are in some sort of "reasonable distance". Right?


At the end of the day, what I am trying to say, is that I am thankful for my friends being happy and less and less lost. I find the most amazing people throughout my life and seeing them encouraged does more for me than even I would have imagined.

Case of the Monday(s)

I wish Mondays always felt this good. Then again, if I always had this kind of focus even less work would get done.

I'm extra thankful for:
sleeping in
text messages even warmer than R11 or 03 or 08 or...
Melissa and Schae-schae listening to me babble on and on [about slightly different things]
And both of them giving me great things to think about
[amazing friends]
Short runs in warm (but not too warm) temperatures
Being in Texas
My brother, who is awesome and letting me stay with him this week

Maybe later

Remember those poems you used to write where it was a word vertical and other words horizontal. In the near future I'd like to pretend to be in second grade and write one. In the meantime, I'm thankful for:


Running with Meghan
Sunshine
Flowers
Green grass
Good conversations
Phone calls
Drinking in the afternoon
Water
Librarians
Joanne
Reading
Renewing old friendships
More good conversations
Successful run-throughs
Non-violence techniques for change

Seven Ate Nine [Wednesday: 8]

So I was thinking and I bet it would've been a great idea if I had thought to list as many things to be thankful for as days of lent it'd been... too bad I just thought of that today... on the 8th day.

Waking up at 9 as I had intended
FINALLY dropping off my prescription, picking up my paycheck, grocery shopping, and going to the bank
The friendly woman at Macatawa Bank
Jeri
Jeri sharing delicious chex mix
Leonard calling me "sunshine"
Stephen letting me know I didn't need to worry about what I'd been worried about
Solid Hugs
Hanging the proscenium pipe without falling
Text messages during production meetings
Phone calls with Schae-schae
Jackie pulling my car into the garage [AWESOME!]
Cuddling
Giggling
How much set dressings and lights add to the theatre world
Awesome words like... the one Katie used today. I must send her a message and re-ask...



Good night all. I would like to give you more of an update, but I'm low on time and in need of sleep. Just know I'm working a lot and unsure of where the rest of the time goes. Thanks for all of your love and support.
xoxo.

40 Days of Thankfulness

I don't think I have ever given something out for Lent. It would probably do my body some good to give up swearing, fatty foods, or the Kletz in general, but alas, I don't like to make promises I know I won't keep. It would have to be something along the lines of: try not to swear in casual conversation or something of the sort. Instead, I am going to try and have forty days straight of going to bed filled with appreciation. Note: I'm aware it's technically Thursday, but I haven't slept yet so it's still Wednesday.

Today has been a day FULL of things to be thankful about, but since the bed is calling, here is a short list:

My amazing housemates in general
Amy, who reduced my stress level GREATLY by not only moving my clothes to the dryer, but folding them all and setting them in beautiful piles on my bed... including the matched socks!
Honest conversations with my roommate <3
An understanding roommate
Active cuddling with someone who really cares
Patience and understanding from the lighting kids
Not-too-angry theatre faculty when the lights weren't done
The fabulous women in the Kletz who remember my name and make me feel important
Chocolate
Pretzels
An understanding co-producer who knows that sometimes you are just fighting to do enough to sleep at night
An AME who talks to cable and fixtures too
Christine- who understands how important it is to connect to people and who went with me on the orange floaties analogy... things are going along swimmingly
A sister who "gets you" more often than not
Sleep


Many of these things will surely be repeated throughout the forty days, but that's okay. Some things you should be thankful for every day... like the Holy Spirit

And on that note, it's pushing 2A and I still have homework. I hope all of you are well.