"The road goes on forever and the party never ends"

First, a warning. It's 3:18A and I've been listening to Bright Eyes all night.


I told myself I wasn't going to write tonight. I came home from practice, accidentally fell asleep for 30 minutes and was late to rehearsal. I stayed and watched other DRC bits and then talked to Tim for awhile. I'm sure it was with good purpose that I did all this, but I wanted to go to bed at 7... so I am not sure why I stayed up. It's 3A now. I haven't even started my play for lighting design, but Bright Eyes will get you to a point that you can't help but write something. I am listening to this called I Must Belong Somewhere and it makes me want to fall in love and run away and try something new all at one time. It's this feeling of all the rights in the world. I begin to believe I belong somewhere else, but I try to let my if-you-need-to-be-somewhere-you'll-get-there belief take care of this worry. I just know there is something and I do not want to wait. I have no reason to wait. I could die tomorrow. It's unlikely, but possible all the same.

I have a tired headache and an aching for the truth.

I've been lied to and loved.

I want to be new, but do not know how to shake the old. Is it even possible to leave that much behind? I'd change my name and leave all my selves behind, but like the child who was afraid the thief would steal it all, I hid bits here and there so you could never take ALL of it too quickly. It'd take searching and trying and a deep determination. And if your determination is that high than you can have my 6 ones. Although I was going to buy Christmas bells for my family with them. They were 50 cents at Pier 1. Didn't you know that? I'll write a messy poem on an index card and tape a penny on. Perhaps they could all read the poem together. Wouldn't that be lovely?

I was a mighty creative child.




Someday I will have a giant white wall that no one will care about. And I will paint it and pencil on it and try again and again to make something of worth. No one will tear it down, but it will change like me. And I will breathe into it and the paints will be scattered on the floor.
That's okay.
Everything must belong somewhere.




If your life was a movie, would you watch it?
(Someone else would edit out the unnecessary day-to-day procedures that did not add to the film)
Would you recommend it to your friends?

One is silver and the other is gold

I miss my old friends. Sometimes I wonder how many of them are imaginary.

Early in high school I had a best friend named Pam. Differences in interpretation of reality caused our split toward the middle, but before this we were bestest-- and great bestest we were. One time I or perhaps we, were watching The Cosby Show and there was this boy named Alvin and he did all the right things and so we would reference Alvin when venting about how certain boys should be better than what they were. [Who doesn't have a lot of room for improvements at the age of 14? or any other age for that matter...] I think he was named my imaginary friend, probably because I had seen the show. I don't remember if I had one before then, but he's the only one I remember clearly. Alvin was relatively flawless.

I miss my old friends. Sometimes I wonder how many of them are imaginary.

The odd thing about so many of the friends I miss is that some of them are still here. They're just not the same friends they once were to me. Our relationship has changed, transformed with our growth. Just as the body rids itself of things it doesn't need, so do we in our lives. Sometimes it's just tough to know what you need and what you don't. There are also friends who are not near, but have stayed consistent. That's what I want. Someone asked me earlier, and that is my answer: consistency. Positive consistency.

Today there were cardboard sculptures in the Pine Grove and I wish they had been left there longer. I understand if you leave them overnight they risk being stolen or destroyed (which is sad), but I didn't have a chance to take any pictures. The above picture was taken off of knowhope today. Those student-created masterpieces truly improved my day. Just seeing the the center of campus sprinkled with bits of student creativity, as well as actual students (it was a nice day out) made me unusually happy. Actually the two high points of my day were "art" sorts of things. The other was a picture Rob "doodled" for me when we were sitting in the DOW. It looks like this:
I made it my profile picture. I love it. One of the neatest things was being able to rewatch it being sketched on his ipod. Modern technology amazes me.

I've got 99 problems

Three things to add to the "list of things I don't understand"
(this list is getting quite lengthy-- just ask Rachel)

1. The need to create facebook groups about things that aren't going to happen. If they're funny, okay- that's fine... whatever floats your boat or rings your chime or ding-a-lings your ding-a- okay, that's something else, but you get the general idea... those are not the groups I'm addressing. Let's go ahead and get specific- "If 83402 people join this ground facebook will change its format back to the old one". Which old one? The one with the separated picture albums? The one before the mini-feed? The one when only people in college could join? Yea, yea. Let's change back to that one and kick everyone off who is not currently in college with a college email. They're not going to change it back. You will cope, just like we coped every other time. I'm not saying you shouldn't voice your opinion, but send them an email with a concrete suggestion to a problem. They've given us the ability to change privacy settings and mini-feed information, but everyone has different wants and they can only make so many people happy and still stay "new". And they stay new so people continue visit pages to try and re-figure out the website or learn new things about each other. They're not going to simply "change it back". This is silly and because of other changes I now know 12 of my friends support this group and I shake my head at their grammatically incorrect, purposeless group.

2. Why people feel the need to hit people. I understand that feeling of aggression. The need for a giant release. I've hit someone before and it probably served its purpose, but why do we feel that need? Where does the idea that a punch in the face is a "good thing" come from. Because, I don't really think it is.

3. Boys. "I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one*". Yes, yes, but many of them are boys.





*note: This song is a relatively well-known one and many people enjoy it. It was played at a social gathering I was at recently and I sang along. I used to never sing along to it though because I thought it was inappropriate to call girls bitches, but then I stopped being defensive and realized you can have a girliefriend and still make this claim. It just means that either a. she's not a bitch or b. that she's not a problem or c. that she's not a bitch or a problem. Also, boys can be bitches too. It's just my problematic boys aren't bitches, they're just multi-dimensional characters.

Paper plates: First Half of the Weekend Review

Before starting a new task, you should first finish the one you began. This frustrates many people. In reality, many people do not finish this "guideline". I don't really know if anyone does consistently. Life doesn't allow for you to finish a large task. Other things come storming at you. I wish it was not this way.
In order to get to the next day, you must first complete the one you began. The ability to skip over a part and come back to it later is not given to us. I wish it was not this way.

In general my weekend has been very enjoyable. It's not quite over and tomorrow I will pay for the fun I had yesterday and today. Yesterday, after practice I sat and talked to Joanne for awhile. I then came home, showered, ate a relatively balanced dinner (corn on the cob, apple, italian shredded chicken and cheese on a toast sandwich and chocolate milk)...


[meant to be continued, but never was...]

Maaaaail Call!

Today my day was extra wonderful. There were some yucky parts and then some nice parts that evened it out.. and THEN there were two great things almost right in a row...
1. Rachel gave me MORE FOLDERS. Now every subject can have its own folder. This may seem like something not worth getting excited about to you, but I have been living out of one folder all semester since I get too tired to find them in Meijer and it's been adding to stress. Thus, I was super excited to receive these awesome gifts from one of my favorite housemate-friends. AND to add to the excitement, I received MAIL today. It was one of my first pieces of the semester and super unexpected. Amber sent me a letter :) I carried it with me for the rest of the day. I love letters and love Amber.

I compulsively check my mailbox. Anytime I pass it I open it. Often the mailman just slides our mail through our slot, but I need to check the box-- just in case. Sometimes there's mail there. Sometimes I will leave the house at 10 p.m. and return at 2 a.m., but I will check the mailbox as I leave and as I return. Part of me knows that there will be nothing there, but I'd hate to miss the excitement if there was. This is the same reason I used to stay up really late in the summer, but that's a whole different post-- or rather, a whole conversation with Jake from a few summers ago... perhaps the Grease summer... or maybe even Joseph.

If you would like me to send you a letter, please let me know of your address. Even if you think I have it, you should probably check.
If you would like to send me a letter (!!!!!) my mailing address is:
57 East 12th street
Town, State, Zip.
You can figure out the rest or ask me. It's best not to post the whole thing in one location-- you know, just in case :)

"We're not even --"

I had a terribly strange dream last night. For an extended period of time I'd remember my dreams, but they never included anyone I knew. Perhaps they were there, but I could never anyone. That's not as true now-a-days, but usually the weird dreams leave out the faces. I woke up this morning, 1/2 forgot about my dream and then was reading some things that reminded me of the dream I'd had. When I had been dreaming I had thought it was real; I was shocked it wasn't. I'd even talked to this person (that doesn't normally happen either. I typically just narrate the dreams). And you know, while I was shocked that it wasn't real, I was even more shocked that I had thought i was.

And don't speak too soon, the wheel's still in spin

I have posted the SNL opening with "Sarah Palin" and "Hillary Clinton" on my sidebar. I find it funny. I should also note that I do not like Sarah Palin. I was not totally sold on McCain before he chose Palin as his vice president, but he quickly lost any chance of having my vote once the choice was made. Perhaps he'll end up being president and doing just fine, but as of this moment, I feel negatively towards Palin and that's enough for me to simply not vote for McCain. Perhaps I'll write in someone else or vote for Obama or vote for an independent. Or perhaps I'll change my mind again before the election. There's plenty of time and plenty more to be learned.
Anyways... one of my favorite parts of this opening sketch is when Fey/Palin suggests that your party doesn't matter, all that matters is getting a woman to the White House (not her exact words, but the general meaning). It seems as though there are really some people out there who think this makes sense. It doesn't.
I declared myself a feminist fairly recently, within the last 3 years. I was before, but didn't realize it. A feminist is simply a person who believes men and women should have equal rights and such. The point is, I'm a fairly active feminist and as one, I suggest that if women want a good representation in the White House, we wait for another election when someone competent is in the race. Of course, I'm not fully sure of anyone else, but she worries me.

Here's an article on Eve Ensler's take on Palin:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/drill-drill-drill_b_124829.html

Given, there are things being said about Palin that other sites refute, but there are plenty of things not refuted that worry me. She still does not have foreign policy experience. She still is anti-choice and she still hasn't governed more people than the mayor of any decent size city. I don't think anyone in the top 50 offices governing the U.S. should have to be learning too, too much extra stuff. There's too much going on. Then again, there are things about Obama that make me nervous for him too. We could list out pros and cons of each, but I've misplaced that piece of paper, haha. Good luck on the research. I doubt that a "reliable source" exists outside of personal experience... and I don't know either candidate personally. It makes it tough.


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In other news, I ran in Oberlin this weekend. It was a strange feeling as I did not see Amherst, let alone stop there. My parents came to watch me race, but none of my other friends were able to. Alexis came by the hotel the night before and we talked for awhile. It was really wonderful to see her. Sometimes you just really need to spend time with a friend who knew you pre-college -- er, a lot pre-college, haha. It was perfect timing and we had a lovely time observing the parking lot of the club, which is popular for its fine dining, next door. I didn't realize Elyria had turned so sketch. Anyways... it was also really nice to be able to hang out with my parents. It was the 2nd weekend in a row I spent time with them, but yet it felt like last weekend was a very long time ago. It was down-pouring pretty badly before my race, but lessened during the race to make it easier on the spectators. The course was pretty soaked though. Plus the boys ran first making the course extra sliding. There were parts with woodchips that lessened the mud to an extent, but there were still plenty of areas of slop and/or standing water. The corners were especially rough and you were often forced to run extremely wide and slow down. I still ran three seconds faster than my last race, but it should have been a lot more than that. The mud took a much bigger toll on my hips than I had imagined it would and it made the last half of the race very difficult. I went out much too slow and stopped pushing forward in the last k. It was not a terrible race, as I still ran sub21, but I could have done better if I had approached it differently. There is not another race until the 26th of September which is the Jamboree at St. Mary's. Hopefully the course won't be too bad the 2nd half and I can be a little more ambitious with my start. 6:30 just isn't going to cut it.

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A few other bits of information:

Did you know the editor of all 58 of the international Cosmo magazines is 86 years old. She, Helen Gurley Brown also has a semi-auto-biographical book, Sex and the Single Girl which is attributed with being part of the feminist and the sexual revolutions. Note: That's amazing. I'm putting it on the 'to read' list.

According to yahoo, TRL is going off-air.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/tv_total_request_live
That's a strange thought. I cannot lie, TRL majorly shaped my musical taste. I was 10 when TRL began and let's be honest, despite my mother's wishes, I watched it and thought it was cool. After all, it was :) It was also how I memorized the first few Eminem songs I learned.

My bestest, Melissa informed me that Extreme Makeover will be coming to the Hope area soon. If you hear of the exact area it will be in, let me know- we'll drive over!

According to Obama's facebook he likes Bob Dylan. Given, it's not what I'm basing the election on, but the favorite music on facebook idea worked. I like him more because of it.

Robert Byrd, a democratic senator is the longest serving senator in US history. Still in office, he will have been in office 50 years in January. Byrd is 90 years old and 3rd in line of Presidential Succession. I think this is awesome.



I hope all is well with you. Leave commentary.

Your Best Dragon Friend

So just now I was talking to a lovely friend of mine and it is his day off of work. He said he was feeling weird [the good kind] and thus I recommended going on a magical adventure. He responded with "magical adventure?" as most people do when you make such a suggestion. The greatest thing about magical adventures, is that you don't have to do anything in particular to go on a magical adventure: you just decide that since you want to be on one, that you are. Sometimes you can be on a magical adventure and not even realize it until later. However, if you wait for a magical adventure to come to you, you run the risk of missing it. If you want a magical adventure and you're having a hard time coming up with one, it may be a result of "one of those days". This is okay. You are allowed to have those sorts of days. However, if you realllllly want a magical adventure, don't let this stop you... have one anyways! Some of the easiest ways to go on a magical adventure are:

• Build a fort... it's a whole new world inside
• Wear a hat, perhaps a magical hat... it can be visible or not
• Don't wear clothes. You can if you want, but it's funnier naked. However, sometimes less people can come along then. If you don't want to be naked, sometimes wearing super comfy clothes or wild and crazy clothes is just as good. Either way- just make sure to dress for the occasion.
  
• Team up with your best dragon friends. The best adventures are with the best of friends. Plus, dragons make for better stories
• Bring snacks. It doesn't always make for an adventure, but adventures often cause hunger
• Be brave. Try something new ---or old, but don't hesitate too much. If you over think it, your adventure might be stifled. Yet, don't worry about thinking too much or you will do just that.
  
• Rain. Let there be rain. Enjoy it.
• Or sunshine or clouds or-- whatever the weather, embrace
  
• Chalk, crayons and other creators of color. Use them as you see fit
  [black and white adventures are okay too though]
  
• Either open your eyes REALLY BIG or keep them gently closed. Squinting makes it harder to see.
• Books. If you can't think of your own adventure, using someone else's as a starting point helps
• Musical instruments. magical beings [and regular ones] typically think you're cooler if you can make pretty noises.
  However, if you are not skilled in the art of music making, just go in thinking you are cooler than that anyways-- and the magical beings will agree with you- if you want them to
  
• Laughter. I rarely have good magical adventures without some sort of laughter (inner, outer or just giggles)
• Imagination. If you leave your imagination at home, sometimes it is tough to go very far.
  Feel free to leave other, heavier things, like grief or anger at home. When weighed down you don't get as far. However, if you have these things attached to you, you can still go, it just might take a little extra effort and bravery. Also, depending on the weight, you might need to find a friend or a few to help out with the carrying.
• Love. Don't leave home [or anywhere else] without it. It serves a variety of uses and you'll probably need it at some point.
  
  

Good luck with your adventure. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time.
Feel free to share stories of it when you return.
I do love stories.

50 minutes later...

Sometimes it is easy to blame all your sadness on one thing, but it's rarely just one thing. Life's funny like that.
Yesterday's muck followed me into today and it seemed the harder I tried to feel good, the more muddled I felt a few minutes later.
After lighting I typically go straight to the Dow to run, but this morning, for whatever reason I didn't pack my running clothes in my bag so I had to return to Timmer to get dressed first. I ended up spending extra time in my room talking to a friend for a bit, but mostly just being sad. I went to the Dow around 5 to get my bag for the meet tomorrow and with intention to run. However, I just didn't feel like it. It's strange how easily that stereotypically pre-teenage apathy will show up.... even about things you really care about, like running. Emily, who needed to get a few extra miles in, nicely offered to run with me around 6:15 and I accepted the offer. I returned to my house and spent some more time talking with a friend about what was causing me so much sadness. Luckily as he was needing to leave, Emily showed up and we went running. I had so much emotion left in my muscles, I was glad, and fortunate to have someone with me. We talked about many other things during the run including how I felt about the team and how much I missed my best friend. I hadn't realized I was missing her so much, but I am. It was important for me to remember that lots of events and non-events go into how I am feeling. Emily and I ran together for 25 minutes and then I added another 25 on after that. I ended at exactly 50 minutes in front of my house... perfect :00 is the sign of a good run, regardless of how one feels, haha. It had been a good run though, a definite recovery, but a mentally good run. My mood went almost a complete 180. I've only been done for 15 minutes, so who knows how the rest of the night will finish out, but let me leave it at this: I am grateful for friends, specifically ones who are good listeners [and good talkers] and for everyone who holds my hand, literally or figuratively as the cycle repeats itself. Some days are especially tough and we all need caring people to surround and support us. And I might need a couple extra...
Thank you for answering your phone, for calling me back or for just being there at the exact right time.
Thank you.

Everywhere

The triple has ponies and strawberry shortcakes on the walls.