Sometimes I begin to forget that I am real. It is easy to do. If you sit with enough people who don't see you or if you sit in an empty hall or if you just exist without anyone else giving you warmth for some duration of time, you just forget. Sometimes before you get too far you remember to call someone and they remind you. Often you do not even realize you are doing it until people don't answer and don't answer and suddenly you aren't so sure where you were and where you are and oh goodness... But then someone does-- someone answers or walks through the door and smile-nods and... all of a sudden you remember. The fade ends and you jolt back. Perhaps you're disorientated for awhile, but you're there. Where there is I'm still unclear, but there all the same. The place that you need to be if you're ever going to get a decent grade on that godforsaken exam...
I get closer to this state after spending a lot of time with people and then leaving. This has been wonderful. Friday night I went contre dancing for historical social dance. I felt semi-accepted by the dancers (which is always appreciated) and despite being super sweaty had an awesome time being twirled and swung around the dance floors by people I had never met and may never see again. I am hoping to be in Ohio for the next one, but if you're around... contre dancing at the fair grounds... $5 for students... in the red brick building. You might want to bring a change of shirt though... you get kinda sweaty and a little tired just an hour into it...
Friday my mom and dad sent me 6 roses for the race and Sweetest Day. It was one of the greatest things to come back to your room with roses on the bed!!
And a quick synopsis of the rest of my weekend since my motivation is gone:
*Manchester went pretty well. I ran a seasonal 6k PR and possibly a lifetime 6k PR, but I can't find the results of most of my past 6ks leaving me in great suspense. I ran a 24:50 which isn't pace to break 20 minutes, but if it'd been a 5k I would have at least had a lifetime PR--even if I didn't break 20. darn. I also got outkicked by the girl I think outkicked at the Jamboree. She finished 25th. Top 25 received tshirts. I was a bit mopey about it, but then, low and behold I actually did receive a tshirt (26th counts! woo!) because apparently unattached runners don't count? I was a little confused, but quite happy. I returned to campus and worked on my lighting project with Andrew. Then I stopped by Andi's room and we worked on this super cool math project Andi has to do in which you have to make the numbers 1-20 with four 4's and any operation. It was tricky, but we finished it. Yes! After going home, visiting with my housemates and then wasting some time sitting around going crazy, I finally went to bed around 2.
I woke up the next morning to a lovely 8a wake-up call from Aaron... which actually was good because I needed to get up so I could get 1/2 my day prepared before going grocery shopping. I did and then after grocery shopping worked on more lighting. Then I actually worked to get paid and then returned to do more lighting. Then I moved over to the studio theatre for directing 1 auditions where I was slightly overwhelmed, partly because I was super tired and partly because there were so many wonderful actors and actresses who came out. We're planning on casting tomorrow in class. I'm so excited and so nervous for this project at the same time. There is so much we can do and so many great people who can bring it to life... it's just so much unknown ready to be dived into! After the auditions I studied... and that leaves me here... late Sunday night in Dewitt... again. Sometimes I wish they'd just give me a small room here so I wouldn't have to walk home in the cold.
Note: This was written in sections and after the first section Alex and Chris both stopped and talked to me for awhile. Quality. Sometimes the feeling disconnected is trippy in a cool way, but really, I enjoy the warmth of a good conversation and an honest interaction... and I am grateful the many that I have these days.
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