Something Like Gray

I managed to quote Teddy in my final senior seminar journal. Life is complete.



The senior seminar presentations have been my favorite part of all of my classes. Every story that someone has told I relate to in some way. It has only been since spring break that I have had my anxiety down to a functioning level. Julie talked about wanting to have her face show her laughter like her mother’s. I used to intentionally smile while sitting neutrally in hopes that I would not have ‘frown lines’ like my Grandma. I filled out applications to transfer and doubted whether or not I belonged. My life was made clearer when I studied abroad/off-campus.
We all search for our role and our place to belong. We identify with sports, Greek life, volunteer groups, artistic ventures, and religious organizations, but during the times of less confidence it is hard to remember that we are not alone. In “The Sparrow” every person had his/her own role and was happiest fulfilling it. What happens when the role or the group we identify with disappears? If I am a runner and I have a permanent arch problem that prohibits me from running, what am I?
In the past two years I have continually moved from location to location and have had to redefine what my job was in each environment. Looking back I realize that once I was comfortable I tended to fulfill the same role as the time before, but in an attempt to try out new identities I had to try new things. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter if I am in London or Cleveland I do not have fun in crowded clubs, but I do love game nights and laying on the floor talking about what matters, confessing, and laughing until the wee hours of the morning. Some things change and I am willing to try new things, but Teddy Pendergrass knew: “You can’t hide from yourself…”
Listening to Evan’s introduction I began to think more about how location affects identity. When we moved forty-five minutes away from all of my friends the summer before third grade I cried continuously. At the time I had no idea how the move was affecting my parents, sister (going into 7th grade), and brother (going into 9th grade). I felt incredibly alone and now I know my siblings did as well. I would not expect my eight year old self to have the same self-awareness that my twenty-one year-old self strives for, but this does make me realize that perhaps, when I feel most alone, I am not alone at all… I just have my eyes closed.
In just over two weeks we will leave Holland, MI and many of us will never come back; I don’t have a reason to return in the near future. Wherever I go next I hope to stay secure in myself, while remaining open to change and growth. I do not have a defined career role: Anne, the doctor or Emilio, the Jesuit Priest; I will have to find other things to identify with. I have been following Socrates’ path and have made an active effort to know myself. I have carried the words that my high school psychology teacher wrote on the board on the last day of classes for four years now. I have had to rewrite them a couple of times due to paper life, but I think I will keep his instructions as my plan:
“KNOW THYSELF”
-Socrates
Today I will…
•Laugh out loud
•Feel loved
•Spend some time in thought
•Have my emotions moved
•Choose to make the best
•Learn something new about my world
•Take care of myself
•Know more about me
•Give to someone
•Grow as a person
Believe in yourself.
Goodbye, Good Luck, God Bless.

The Sound of Thunder

Last night I came home from work with a strange sense of restless energy. I talked Amy's and Nick's ears off, obviously improving their nights with silliness involving cuddling, condoms, story time, and the Flight of the Concords. Eventually I let them be and went upstairs to attempt to fall asleep. It took quite the while and so I should have re-awoken and wrote my list of thanks, but I was determined to fall asleep... so here it is now:


I am going to have a pen pal!
My roommate's awesome dedication to Model UN
The AMAZING downpours I walked in... soaked to the skin, but happy
Finally catching up with Schae-schae a bit. I miss my best friend.
The women in career services who helped me realize that all the decisions I have to make are really just a million great opportunities.
Julie. It's rare to find such wonderful friends who really understand you, but I guess I'm just really, really blessed.
Walking back from the Knick with Radha :)
My Senior Seminar class listening to my stories and supporting each other. Sometimes it takes four years to realize half the rest of the world feels just as out of place as you. Hopefully this will help me to remember to open up at the right times in the future. There are so many wonderful people out there.
Avery and her "ghetto girl strut", the baby Jalicious, and soul music
Nick and Amy laughing with me
New running shoes
Taking off wet socks
Doing my best to be okay.

All Three Things

Today was so very beautiful. I woke up and dressed like I was back in the city and went to a fairly interesting lecture on Confucianism. I feel as though I am constantly in classes thinking about the best way to approach the after life. In the Analects Confucius talks about not leaving your parents and if they die mourning them for three years. There's more to it than that, but it was in that context that we talked about leaving our parents and being able to be there for them when they grow old. Confucius would probably be against nursing homes, but I think they can be good, even safer and healthier for many. It is a strange thought. Sooner than we imagine we, our friends, our siblings, our parents... will be that age when we can not take care of ourselves and eventually we will take that final exhale and not have to any more.

After religion I went to the library to print out the Royal Court application. I am applying for a job at my dream theatre that I know hundreds or thousands more qualified applicatants will apply for. I'm okay with that. I a little less than an hour until my next class so I went to the third floor of the library and sat in the sunny spot by the windows with my financial management flashcards. It didn't help my test score, but the quietness helped my spirit.

I went to senior seminar where we had our usual interesting discussions and went home to study some more. I took the management exam and knew it would not be a score I would want, but was glad just to have it done with. It's turned in. There's nothing more to do about that. I'd like to say I'll be more diligent with our future chapters, but I started to read Chapter 9 for Thursday and was annoyed in the first two pages. It's simply not something that grabs me anymore. It's too bad...

I took a short nap instead of running and got up to make dinner. Sadly I had to throw some things out because a random 60 degree day may make you happy, but it make the garage an ineffective refrigerator. In the spirit of things I decided I needed to make room for myself in the fridge. I gathered the housemates that were home and they let me know their claimed spot and I threw out plenty of things which were lost in the back and now there is room for me to go grocery shopping. Tomorrow I will have more than crescent rolls and peanut butter for dinner. I must admit, the clean fridge and the dishes done makes me feel accomplished... and a little less guilty about the financial management reading.

I love that I was able to spend time with my housemates today. Even if the most of the time was cleaning the fridge, their (mostly) good natures are blessings.

AND we had story time tonight! Meghan, Amy, and Jackie (slightly against her will) sat with me as I read "The Three Questions" to them. Ah, I really wish I could make a living being a story time lady. I love reading stories.

And on that note, I'm off to sleep or do something productive to try and avoid stress tomorrow.

xoxo.