Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Warning: Part of this entry is complaining. If you get tired of reading my complaing, or when you're done with the rest of the entry, read this. If you're emotional, like me, anyways you may cry... or you might feel slightly inspired... or you might just think it's an alright piece of writing. And with that, please read on.

Cross country season ended. I took some time off, but then began running whenever I had the energy. Christmas break came and Tealla did a wonderful job of getting me out the door. Tealla is probably in the top 5 best running buddies of all time. She's flexible with time, but consistent. She's relaxed on runs, but keeps the pace steady. You can talk if you want-and she'll converse as well, but there's no obligation. I need to find the British version of Tealla. Well, really (s)he doesn't have to be British, but does need to currently live in London. For a little while, I was doing well, but in reality whenever I'm tired, which is most days I don't get out. Then on the weekends I go out rather than run. It's a terrible way to go about it, but I rationalize it. As a result, I have failed with the Eurodiet.

The Eurodiet usually works like this:
1. Go to Europe
2. Walk places because you have to
3. Eat healthy food because all the food is healthier
4. Lose weight

A large majority of people follow the Eurodiet when they go abroad. They come back home looking trim and lovely. It "just happens". Well, my good friends, I am gaining weight at a rapid pace to be the yang to your ying.... gotta keep the world balanced, right? I couldn't tell you how much weight I've gained, but enough to make none of my pants loose. Problem is I ran out of space in my suitcase and left a lot of skirts at home because I wasn't sure what I would need.

Here is why the Eurodiet has failed me:
1. I walk more, but run A LOT less. I probably cover 25-35 less miles a week (depending if I run).
2. I eat all the time (mostly because instead of feeling certain things I eat... this includes sadness, but boredom at work is a common cause)
3. I eat even more carbs (bagels, sandwiches, croissants and brownies are cheaper than-- just about anything else)
4. Alcohol. I continue to not drink in giant excess, but even a drink here and there a couple times of week is a lot more than a couple times a month.
5. Not all food is healthier. Some, yes, but really --- well I hope it is more than I realize

So conclusion, moving to Europe is not a magic way to lose weight, contrary to my hope.

The good news...
Today I packed my lunch for work: the second half of my jumbo Brick Lane croissant, a turkey and cheese sandwich with basil ranch, an apple and a yogurt. It's not a terribly large lunch, but I had a lot of carbs for breakfast. I promised myself I would not eat anything other than what I packed until I arrived home. I have continuously bought food when I wasn't hungry because it gave me something to do. It was like when you eat an entire bag of potato chips while watching tv. You're just eating because it's mindless. There's no actual hunger involved. Well, I succeeded! By 5:00 I actually was a bit hungry, but I couldn't leave work then, as I get out at 6:00(or so). So I managed to not buy anything. I arrived home around 7 or 7:30 and reheated my green bean casserole and cooked chicken (and dipped it in honey). The food was delicious. Everything tastes better when you're actually hungry.

The bad news...
I woke up this mroning at 7:15 to go running. I kept sleeping. Then I was going to run when I got home. Realistically... I'm not. Perhaps tomorrow morning?

I can't remember if I told you Marcos ended up finding that football movie speech in english for me, but he did and it turned out pretty awesome. Apparently he watches it about... every day.

Added Bit:
So I need a running partner so I started looking online. There are running partner sites! I started to join one and then realized it was quite small and most of the runners were 30-50. There is nothing wrong with this age-range-- it's lovely, but I'd like another friend my age.
I found another site,, but now that I have created a profile am too nervous to ask anyone to run with me, haha. I think I'll just keep running on my own and hope that one of these days someone will just fall in next to me. In the US this has happened to me often... not here... but hopefully soon :)

Monday, February 16, 2009

Because while I'm not, my brain is constantly running

It's 2:30A here. I changed the posting time on this one, but I typically forget to so most of the posting times are incorrect.
A few tid-bits to add to the lists...
  • I talked on the telephone to my Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother today. I also talked to my Grandpa Kenny and Uncle Dick on skype and facebooked my Uncle Pat. I love all of them immensely and I'm not currently homesick, but I probably miss them more than any of my friends.... and I miss my friends a lot. It was just wonderful to talk to all of them.
  • I like that most of my family is on facebook. It does make me feel more connected to them. It's easier and with the time zones and daily tasks... I'm okay with easy relationships.
  • I miss tutoring at Black River... a lot.
  • Since I have stopped taking math classes I honestly feel as if I have gotten dumber. That may make little sense to you, but I have. In the last 3 years I've also begun to flip numbers. I think I am just out of practice.
  • I currently have flights to France, Ireland, Greece and the Netherlands reserved. Since I'm already in England- the list of my top 8 places I wanted to visit will be nearly all checked by the time this trip is done.
    • India and Italy were the other two.
  • I miss running with a team more than I can properly explain to you, but not enough to pay 70 USD to run with a giant group of people.
  • There is a kid in my program who quit an internship because it wasn't what he wanted. I stayed with mine because I agreed when people (and I) said "at least it was an internship and it would be an experience because it was abroad". He's now doing what he wants... here. I am not, but accepting it. I small part of me worries that, while I know I won't, that I might do this for the rest of my life. If I have to lose a worm to catch a trout, I'll just appreciate the worm and not create an inconvenience for anyone trying to find a fish that may not even be in the pond.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Pleasure, please.

The love letter took a bit of thought, but I finished it... in case you were wondering.

Inevitably I am now wishing I had at least one of my SARK books with me. What was I thinking leaving them at home? Well, I did bring crayons to London... I suppose that's something. The SARK forum just isn't quenching my -- thirst? I googled Sark and under images I find a Succulent Wild Woman blanket connected to this blog entry.

The first Sark book I ever read was called Eat Mangoes Naked. Ironically enough it was one of the book displayed on the landing in the Amherst Public Library. 10 points for whoever chose that display, (s)he kinda changed my life.

Here's a lovely part of the book I just found posted on a blog:

One of my favorite perfect life aficionados is author SARK. Here is an excerpt from her book, Eat Mangoes Naked, about perfect pleasure:

I began feeling scared at the amount of joy I was experiencing, and noticed myself creating drama, almost like putting the brakes on pleasure.

The struggle still feels more comfortable to me than the pleasure, and I would how I can extend or expand the pleasure?

I think that one of the ways is to change the formula.

If we say, for example:

Going to a concert = pleasure

We might find: prickly grass, warm beverages, poor sound systems, belligerent fans or offensive lyrics.

We could change the formula to:

Going to a concert = a time

Instead of going to have “a good time” (which can cause pressure or struggle), we might just have a “time.”

This allows our actual experience to occur.

Maybe we’ll get to the concert, and leave after 10 minutes. Maybe we’ll see a sign that says “Fresh Peaches” and stop to by dozens and give them away.

Maybe we’ll stop the car, and have our own homemade concert by the river, singing off key.

Pleasure loves surprise and spontaneous expression.

To give ourselves permission for pleasure means moving in new directions, with no expectations and changing our moods in the process.

I am now giving you new permission for pleasure. You can use this whenever you feel stuck, lost, or out of pleasure.


In the mentioned blog there is also this entry that is something we consistently worked on in workshops with Nathan Allen pre-creating Rose and the Rime. The concept of letting "failure" go as soon as it occurs, partly to be in the present and partly because it's not real "failure" is something I have struggled with since before I knew it was a concept. I had difficulty on-stage and I continue to have difficulty in my life. It's like when you go out for your first mile and drop a 6:15 when it was supposed to be a 6:25 or something and for the rest of the race you just wait for the wall to hit you. The only difference is the wall hits you twice as early because you are opening the door and inviting it in for tea and discouragement.

Goal: Self Love

So one of the thing the kid-down-the-hall doesn't like about me is that I'm too extreme or intense or have too many personalities. He "can't stand me" when I act like a five year old. There are other things he told me which are perhaps more constructive, but these particular attributes are ones that I have no intentions of changing. The "intense" comment made me think of SARK. The goal is to be intense. There is no such thing as "being too much". I went onto Sark's World and then went to the forum. On there someone had recommended this blog. The most recent entry (as of right now) is "101 Happy Little Ways to Be Your Own Valentine. Many of them are marvelous. #45 is to write a love letter to your body. It then links to a previously written blog which includes such letter. I started to read it, but then stopped as that was not what I imagined at all. If I was going to write a love letter to my body, I would want to write one so lovely it would want to write one back. So, I am off to do that. I will not be sharing it here, as love letters are not supposed to be shared until both the recipient and giver are either dead or in 7th grade... and even then...

I challenge you to do the same.

No one ever said it was easy: (Lists)

Current things that Bring me Joy:
  • In the last 3 days 5-1o different people have asked me where things were. Apparently when walking around in London I now appear knowledgeable, assured and approachable.
  • I spent my first night not in the dorm in London last night. I slept at Molly and Charlotte's. It was wonderful to wake up somewhere new... especially with the bagel store down the street. I bought the four of us breakfast.
  • Messages from Tealla. Tealla is not the only person whom I receive messages from which bring me joy, but I have managed to laugh out loud while reading every single one she's sent. I love reading about her life.
  • Heather's blog. Heather is my sister's best friend from high school and I understand why. I have always known why, but her blogs are common reminders which I am blessed to be able to experience as well.
  • My family. I talked to my sister and my parents on the phone today. It was the best 4.40 I've spent in weeks.
  • The guy from the bar I went to go listen to people's speech patterns sent me a text message back on Friday. The idea of a potential friendship makes me happy. Potential may mean nothing to Neitzche, but we're only sometimes on the same page.
  • The fact that on the questionnaire I had to stop myself from listing too many things on the things I am looking forward to list... because there are so many wonderful things in the future.
There are also lots of wonderful things in the past. In the past week I have...
  • Ran one day, but twice on that one day- totaling to 90 minutes... including a workout.
  • Gone grocery shopping at the cheap place and found good deals
  • Done Laundry
  • Visited the National Gallery and remembered my love for impressionists
  • Bought an Avenue Q ticket for my sister's visit in March!!
  • Played a game called Loaded Questions with some people in my program
  • Stayed up way too late on multiple occasions
  • Went to a bar made of ice
  • Gotten into a strong fight
  • Had one of my favorite Tuesdays yet
  • Interned twice
  • Saw a wonderful circus/dance called Traces at the Peacock Theatre
  • Talked to more strangers than you have probably talked to all semester
  • Saw Pitman Painters at the National Theatre
  • Gone on a tour of the National Theatre and been terribly envious
  • Discovered where the Poor School (where we have our rehearsals) was
  • Used a telephone booth and been stared at by strange boys because of the gross porn pictures inside the telephone booths
  • Talked to plenty of good friends
  • Fell asleep in my Thursday class and then again on the tube ride and the bus ride home from class... until I returned to the dorm and slept until it was past time to leave for the theatre
  • Go to a coffee shop in SoHo
  • Go to a night club called Koko and danced for a tiny bit, but mostly watched lights
  • Invited a friend out
  • Explored a bookstore
  • Got my hair cut
  • Went to Brick Lane markets
  • Ate a lot of bagels, croissants and chocolate.
Okay, I am sure there are lots of other little things, but that's the most of it... one week. Even just the two shows and one art gallery should've been enough :)

  • Earlier today I was thinking of things that could make my eating habits better and/or cheaper. I considered cutting out chocolate and realized that was unrealistic. Then I decided I could cut out the carbs. I then remembered about the dozen bagels I just bought... four of which I ate today... and realized I needed a new body plan. I'll reevaluate next week
  • I sing along to songs I don't know the words to
  • I told my mini-feed that I wanted to know less about you. It was unexpectedly more therapeutic then telling you how I felt.
  • Sometimes I write passive aggressive away messages in code
  • Sometimes I know the exact words I need to hear, but know that if I have to tell you they don't mean anything and thus they won't accomplish their purpose. This would make them worthless and why waste potentially magical words.
  • Today I had a discussion with a boy and I told him he was a bad word. I meant it. This doesn't happen often. Usually I regret saying things like that. This time I don't. I regret not regretting it.
  • I wish he would realize how much he's hurt me and apologize.
  • It makes me sad that he's hurt someone else in the program even more
  • I have a lot of things to be happy about here. I am just mentioning the above because I need to get it out. There is so many other wonderful things happening here.
  • I am blessed with a wonderful family that supports me.
  • Today I talked with my Grandpa and Uncle who live in Florida on skype. I didn't know what all to tell them, and I think the connection wasn't the best, making it hard to hear. It was my first time seeing them since the fall. I kind of wish they had just left it on for awhile so we could've been in the same place for a bit longer.
  • Sometimes I become enormously sad about things I cannot control. I try to let them be big things so that I don't feel so overemotional.
  • I don't like messy kitchens. This is mostly because I don't like fruitflies and because I don't like having to wash dishes before I can use them if someone else used them first. I don't feel like they're all the way clean.

I want to
  • Stop finding faults with myself.
    • I am not perfect. I want to fix these things, but sometimes I spend so much time trying to fix these things that are wrong with me that I forget to enjoy the things that aren't wrong with me.
    • I know there is a middle ground called self-acceptance with a side of self-improvement, but I can't seem to find it.
  • Be more reassuring of myself
    • Specifically at places of work.
    • I am most confident with people I don't know who I will only see again if we both truly want to.
  • And others
    • Yeah
  • Run more often
  • Procrastinate less
  • Be Honest... with others, but mostly with myself.

And that's about it for now. Perhaps now I will be able to focus on my assignments for a bit... <3

Step into my web said the spider, etc.

Heather tagged "you" and I'm a "you," soooo....

8 TV Shows or Movies I Watch Regularly

I don't have a television so regularly is sort of difficult, but when I used to eat dinner on Tuesdays at the Yellow House I'd watch
1. Scrubs
In 4th grade I'd watch
2. Oprah
every day at 4:00.
I love
3. Mister Rogers

We'll go with movies I have watched multiple times in the past 5 years...
4. You've got Mail
5. The Sandlot
Sleepless in Seattle
7. When Harry Met Sally
8. Now & Then

8 Things that Happened Yesterday

1. I slept until the sun came up and poured into my windows so much I couldn't stay in bed.
2. I looked up information on Paris and got wonderfully excited and nervous for my first trip out of GB... and my first trip out of GB alone.
3. I went into a bookstore and talked myself into and out of multiple books.
4. I got the fastest and most anti-climatic haircut of my life, but it was less than 20 pounds and that was the goal
5. After getting sidetracked for 3-4 hours, I accidentally came upon the coffee shop in Soho I was looking for. The four people next to me, plus the guy behind the counter, included me in their conversation because there is something pleasant about someone who is comfortable exploring on their own
6. Molly called me and invited me to have dinner with her and two of her friends. I went and had a delicious italian dinner.
7. While at Molly and Charlotte's, I watched Beyond the Valley of Dolls, one of the strangest movies ever.
8. We had a slumber party. Yay!

8 Favorite Places to Eat (in no particular order)

1. Home (Amherst, OH) or anywhere with my family...
2. Around the campfire
3. Nacho Mama's (Marco Island, FL)
4. In London? Any place where a meal isn't my entire weekly budget... Oh! Like Brick Lane or Portobello Road
5. Hummus brothers
6. 84 East
7. Picnics... (now I'm copying Anna Jo)
8. That place down the road that I've gone to with a couple of people, and once by myself... Potlucks? Pot... uh, I forget the name, but it's delicious.

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To

(in order of occurrence)
1. The forum workshop with Cardboard Citizens tomorrow.
2. Tuesday with Marina and my theatre studies group. [just about every Tuesday really]
3. Seeing Spring Awakening on Thursday!!!
4. Exploring Paris on my own.
5. All the books and plays on my lists and on my desks
6. Seeing Amy in Rennes/Getting to be around someone I'm truly comfortable with/Getting to see a good friend's world
7. Going to Amsterdam with Molly and Charlotte
8. Exploring London with Anna Jo, Ireland with the family, Stratford with my parents and Greece & Bulgaria with my brother.

Note: I think in my next entry I am going to keep going because there are so many more... This is a wonderful feeling.

8 Things On My Wishlist

1. I wish I didn't count the months back. It just makes me sad.
2. I wish I would stop settling.
3. ...confidence in permanent environments
4. high school weight
5. ...that I didn't have to worry about money
6. ...that chocolate was as good for my body as it was for my state of mind <3
7. be amazing at something, rather than just alright
8. I'm stealing Heather's on this last one... to be more articulate

And I tag you...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Like a rosary, but not.

Friday night a group of us went to a club called Koko. It was a beautiful. The picture doesn't do it jealous, but I took it from my friend Kayla's facebook, as I didn't take any pictures. It had 2 nice balcony areas, a decent DJ, 2 live bands... Well, two played while we were there. I'm not sure if there were more later. The first one wasn't particularly good, but the second one was the second one was led by a girl who pretty much defined "rocker chic". I actually enjoyed her music. It wasn't exactly what you'd dance to, but they supported her wonderfully with the lights. If I had seen the light board op, I'd have told him so. It was rather impressive.

I started this entry on Saturday. It's not Sunday and my frame of mind is totally different. So I will tell you this...
-With the help of his friend, a Turkish boy came up and talked to me for awhile towards the end of the night. His friends call him Dolphin. He was alright, but I don't think much else needs to be said... Dolphin?
-There's a kid I no longer feel comfortable around because earlier this week he said some hurtful things. At one point I went to the 1st balcony to regain a positives state of mind by being away from the group. I decided to name as many positive things as beads on the bracelet. I was having difficulty when a couple different nice-looking boys came up (at different times) to me and said hi 'cause I was by myself. Then a couple of the guys I had come to the club walked by and asked if I was alright. I got through the beads quicker. Although then the nice boy who lives next door who I invited out came up and we went back downstairs. I felt better for awhile.
-When I feel especially alone, I try my best to remember I'm not the only person who is feeling this way here right now so I should probably go look for that person. As soon as I remember this I do better.
- After the club we were buy the bus station and I met one of the first British high schoolers who was actually quite awesome. I think her name was Maria. I would've been her friend.

The original purpose of this blog was to talk about counting up the things that matter- the good things... you know, the title... like a rosary, but not.

In fact, that's where music comes from.

A while back I created a list of 100 things about me and every once in a while I write another. I think that's one of my reasons for not writing the 25 things and tagging 25 people on facebook... 25's not enough. However, if I were to write one now, I think one of my 25 (or 100 depending how ambitious I was feeling) would be that I don't care about Valentine's Day. I don't know if I ever have. I like hand-made cards and cookies and chocolates and flowers and love, and yes, I get excited about those sorts of things. My parents sent me a card and Melissa left a cookie by a bunch of our doors- all wonderful things, but I like that every day and am not more bitter if someone has it one day than if they have it the next. Rather, my bitterness depends on how tired I am or when the last time I ran was. It's been 6 days since I ran, but I slept 'til late today so that leaves me somewhere in the middle.
Although, I do have to mention that when the tube is terribly crowded, which it was about 30 minutes ago when I was on it- since it was dinner time- I am uncomfortable with people kissing and being slightly touchy. To be honest, I don't like it most of the time. It's alright if one of them is getting off the tube or something, but the whole ride? Being lovey-dovey is nice, but on the tube it's odd.
Whenever I get frustrated about little things I find myself remembering Charlie, in The Perks of Being a Wallflower stating that how happy he is for other people depends on his own state of mind. He knows he's happy if he's happy to see other people happy. I guess I'm the same way.

I think it was my sophomore year of high school that I lent my copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower to a girl I graduated with. I think she lent it to someone else or maybe she just set it on her bookcase and forgot, but I never received the book back. I am okay with that, as it is one of the books that I think everyone should read, so I am glad it was being passed or valued enough to be kept around, but I often wish I had it with me. I would just like to reread some bits. I have been saying that for quite awhile so I think I will invest in another copy sometime soon.

I have a problem. That problem is buying books. I want them all. I don't really have space for them all, nor time to read them... and it's not terribly practical to purchase them now, as I will have to transport them all home. I spent somewhere around 30 minutes in a bookstore today, only to convince myself that if I was going to buy the books I'd probably have to leave them here because I wouldn't have room in my suitcase... and if I did that then I might as well buy them for a lower price off of ebay or amazon or halfprice. I will probably do just that. It was hard to leave them in the wonderful 2nd hand bookstore though. It was a nice store to support and they were both books I have been wanting to buy for a long time now... a collection of Samuel Beckett plays and a collection of Walt Whitman's poems- including Leaves of Grass. All the same, I have a lot of books and plays that I am in the process of reading anyways. I just keep taking books out of libraries. Sometimes I think I just like to look at them on my bookshelf and get excited about the amount of knowledge they contain.

Note to self: Don't forget you were also looking at that anthropology book about O and that Neitzche book.

When I took the Mass Communications class a year or two ago we talked about books being all online. You could just bring up your Shakespeare or Dickens or your textbook or whatever on your iphone and you wouldn't have to carry books around. And while I admit this would be good for your back, I don't want it. I want to hold my book, scribble in the margins (if it's that kind of book) and watch the binding fall apart as I begin my 100th read. Yes, I do google quick answers rather than flip through 500 page reference books in the library when I'm not sure if they will even know what I am asking. However, if the book is meant for a straight read, I want to cuddle with it.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A rose by any other name

So usually I don't use this blog for these sort of things, but I'm currently becoming a lot of negative emotions so instead of complaining, I'm doing this.
Oh, and just so you know, from 9A-7P, my day was wonderful. I'll admit it. I love Marina and I love my theatre studies program.
Today we talked about forum theatre and I cried because I realized what I want to do. However, tonight I have to write a paper about an internship that is making me generally unhappy. So now, here we go...

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle name)
Jenifer Craig
3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Kenneth Menno
4.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Duck
(I don't know if the duck is truly my favorite, but that is who I thought of first)
6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Jessica DeRose Toledo
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Purple Martini
8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Moose Tracks peanut butter chocolate chip
(okay, let's be honest- that was the worst)
10. PORN NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
Simone Eagle Beach Circle
(I guess I can rule out another profession...)
11.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of last name plus izzle)
14.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Simone
15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Moonlit Path Reeces
(and there goes another profession... no one would pay to see someone named that)

Okay, here we go...

"...but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red"

I enjoy rain and don't do my hair often enough for it to consistently ruin it. I don't usually carry an umbrella, but today I was glad I did. As I was leaving the station I lifted my umbrella really high to open it. I pressed the button and (!) it's opened. Well, I must have not lifted it quite high enough because I nearly put out a well-dressed man's eye. Luckily it startled him enough that he just laughed. My eyes went wide and I wasn't sure if I should apologize or just give a sheepish smile and run off. I did all three. I didn't run far because there's a cross walk directly in front of the station, but I felt ridiculous all the same. He ended up a few strides in front of me as we crossed the four different sections of the road and continued in the same direction.

Before I continue the story I must first tell you that this is my first time carrying an umbrella, but this is definitely not the first time it's rained in London. Often when it rains, if you do not have an umbrella you must consistently watch your eyes and limbs because the umbrella people might "mind the gap", but they don't mind you. They will run right into you with that umbrella or run you off the sidewalk with it. When multiple umbrellas pass each other they run into each other because neither person takes care to avoid the other person. This is fairly commonplace.

The story continues...
So I am walking behind a few umbrellas and a couple other umbrellas are walking towards us. Instead of colliding different people moved their umbrellas up, down, or kept them at the exact right place so none of them collided. It was lovely and oddly funny. I laughed. The man I nearly hit earlier turned and smiled with a questioning look on his face. I moved my umbrella up and down similar to how the pattern had gone and he understood why I giggled. He laughed as well.

A short time later I turned left and he continued down the sidewalk.
It was so nice to be acknowledged on the streets. The rain often keeps us from making eye contact with people. We are consistently B-lining it for the nearest respite from the chilly precipitation. I walked my last two blocks quietly singing "Singing in the rain".

Monday, February 9, 2009

"Miles to go before I sleep"

It's been a semester or two since I've listened to Play Radio Play, but a friend of mine reminded me of them tonight. I was trying to remember my favourite song by them, but all I could remember was it started with the sound of rain... which, now that I think about it, is probably why it was my favorite. I found the song, "I am a pirate and you are the princess" and looked up the lyrics. As I read them I can't help but wonder: what does that mean? Or perhaps I know what I think the words mean, but I am worried that I only think they mean that because in recent months (or weeks- or years- who knows) I have become cynical.

As soon as I typed the word I realized I should probably look up and make sure that's the word I think I am supposed to be using. The first definition that showed up when I asked google to "define cynical" was:

believing the worst of human nature and motives; having a sneering disbelief in e.g. selflessness of others

I think I blame a close friend of mine (name removed to protect the guilty in case he's innocent) for the disbelief in selflessness. Because even the nicest things are done for the good feeling that comes with them... or the self-satisfaction of being nice. If there was no positive feeling I don't know... well, I just don't know. Then there's always the question of why is the person who does things for the good feeling better than the person who does them for some other kind of satisfaction? Well, I don't know... it's more Christ-like? sigh. That's the only answer I can come up with and even that... I don't know. I don't know what makes up a good person.

I don't want to be cynical. I'd rather be positive. I'd rather be an optimist and be disappointed sometimes than a cynic and live under a storm cloud that never brought the summer-kind of rain.

I've been working on outlining the sort of person I want to be. If you don't have a destination it makes it rather hard to get there... or rather easy, depending on how you look at it. So I'm trying to find the place on the map so I can use my gmap's pedometer and find out just how far it is.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Urban Scrawl.

Evey morning I walk to South Kensington Station to take the Piccadilly Line to school or to the Victoria Line to work. I ride the tube nearly every day of the week... I think I've gone 1... maybe 2 days without riding it.

My tutor/professor from Tuesday, the awesome one, is the Creatives Trainer for this project. Basically she's boss at radio dramas.

Read more about the project:

Sadly I already had a conflict with last week's recording session, but she's invited anyone in our class who is interested to listen to the recordings so I will be trying to go to one of the next ones.


Crossing things off a list I never made

This past Saturday I went to Portabello Road. I covered the adventure in my IES blog. I wanted to include this song, but wasn't sure if I was allowed and didn't bother spending time looking. Instead I just used a lyric as the title and hoped someone would get the reference.

After the market I went to a football game (Fulham vs. Portsmouth) and froze my toesers off. It was a pretty decent game. I think it would have been more thrilling had we been in one of the specific fan sections. It was a nice experience anyways.... I wouldn't mind going to another, but if nothing else, I can check football game in Europe off the list.

Saturday night I went out with a couple of people to the pub and we just sort of chilled. It was relaxed, which was nice. Friday night I went out to the pub as well, but Friday I had just started wandering. I brought my book and a note pad and just started walking. The only problem was none of the pubs felt right. I walked into quite a few... pretending to look for someone- and when I realized they weren't there, I left. However, as I was walking back to the res hall I saw Bristol in front of-- I forget its name right now, but it's very close to our res hall-- and I ended up talking with her and Daisy inside and we had a nice time. A random guy and girl came over and asked us if we wanted to go to the next pub with them. The boy had been making eyes at me earlier, haha. We declined their offer- I was considering racing in the morning (until I found out it was actually too late and conflicted with the football game), but he came over a short time later and asked for my telephone number. It was very nice, but meh. I think he might've been too old for me. "They say beggars can't be choosers, but I'm not begging".

Sunday morning was wonderful. Trevor, Bonnie, Sarah and I went to St. Paul's Cathedral. Sometimes, you just really need to go to church. I had forgotten how far away I had gotten. I went to Trinity over Christmas break, but those couple of visits just weren't going to last me the semester. St. Paul's Cathedral is beautiful inside. Their choir was singing in Latin and they sang for a lot of the service so when not praying or reflecting, I had a lot to look at. The sermon was okay. I didn't expect a woman to preach- I don't think I realized St. Paul's was Protestant- but it was a really nice, and surprisingly shorter sermon. There are a couple of churches around here, in Chelsea and I would really like to try them out. I doubt I'll make St. Paul's a regular thing-- the Cathedral is just too massive and and it's not terribly far, but the closer it is the more likely I am to get there.

Sunday night I believe I was sick. It was a mix of Saturday and Sunday that were the worst for my cold. It became not just a cold, but a head thing and a body ache and... blah. It was all-in-all miserable. I feel like I did something else on Sunday, but I can't think right now.

Monday I didn't go into my internship because we had a snow day. London received the most snow fall it has in 18 years (says the newspaper). The 5-6" essentially shut the city down. There were no buses. Any tube that spent time above ground didn't run. We built a snowman named Hans. Kids knocked him down a short time later, but lots of people took our picture as we built him so he got his glory... or at least some of it...

The rest of Monday I worked on my New York application, watched movies while writing my script for playwriting and then went to this "American" place down the street for Bonnie's birthday... I think it was called The Big Easy. It was kind of really expensive, but that happens in Chelsea... most things are. Boo.

I stayed up sort of late Monday finishing my script, staring at information on music halls which didn't process and talking to the nice Italian/French boy that lives next door. He was the one who gave me the Panettoncino and told me about the movie clip that is down the page some. He also taught me a few italian phrases which I can't remember for the life of me. Then again, I didn't pronounce them terribly well the first time around.

And Tuesday, Tuesday was a whole 'nother story.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

It's hard to be positive when you're sad.

Do me a favor, next time I get in one of these moods... remind me of this:

O ME! O life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I,
and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the
struggle ever renew'd,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see
around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me
The question, O me! so sad, recurring-What good amid these, O me,
O life?

That you are here-that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

If I shoot you a mean look, tell me to splash some cold water on my face, take a nap and then get off my bum and contribute. If I want friendly people in London... I'll just be one of them.

Yes, it's discouraging when you pass 200 people and not one can maintain eye contact long enough to even 1/3-smile, but hey, if that 201st person does, it's nice... and worth it.
I'm done with the first 200. I cried about them. I got upset and became irrational in front of one of those people I was really trying to not be irrational in front of, but oh well tomorrow's a new day... and there's a paper due. Let's think about that instead.


ps. At the end of this month I am going to see Amy. I am very, very excited. I love her and haven't seen her since August.

Ogni Maledetta Domenica

I need to find this speech in english:

The nice Italian/French boy down the hall told me of it and how every Italian boy has it memorized because it's that good.