Friday, July 31, 2009

Wordly Advice

If you are going to go lay in the grass in public property (ie. a school) don't wear all black. While the police would probably come talk to you anyways, being in all black makes you extra suspicious. It also makes you a possible suspect for a crime if there has been an attempted robbery in the neighborhood.

Just- uh- keep that in mind.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Schedule

July 31:
Run with the girls & Tealla
Final Dress Rehearsal with Apprentices
Sunshine Show with Meredith
Backstage for Apprentices' Show

August 1:
Running in the AM
Apprentices Show
Rocky Horror Picture Show

August 2:
8:30 Soul to Sole 5k
Shopping/Packing for tomorrow
Red's Graduation Party

August 3:
Possibly Toledo for Breakfast?
Chicago, probably out for my birthday

August 4:
Either Holland or Chicago depending

August 5:
Camping with Tim and Rachel in Warren Dunes State Park

August 6:
Hanging out with Tim and Rachel
Back to Chicago for the night

August 7:
Volunteering 10:30-1:30.
Meeting up with Alexis, Anthony & Miller for the remainder

August 8:
Leaving Chicago early in the AM
Lunch with Trevor in Indiana
West Virginia to see Chris & Josh

August 9:

August 10:
Leave WV
Possibly visit Tealla on the way home

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Too much pie, chocolate and other junk...

We made this recipe for Roman Chicken the other night. It was delicious.

I took a nap today from 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. until around 10:30 p.m. It's now 2:40 a.m. and I can't sleep... I am waking up in three and a half hours. As much as I enjoy sleep, the need for it is terribly inconvenient.

As not ready as I sometimes feel for New York, I am kind of ready to go. I'll miss now then, but I'm afraid of wasting time if I am gifted too much more. My to do list is in no way complete, but I worry the time could be better spent.

And I'm not sure whether or not to spend my birthday in Michigan. I've sort of lost touch with people, but I miss them... bah. Thoughts?
Perhaps Chicago is the better alternative... less stress and I'm much more likely to have a generally good time I think.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

July is ending. Now what?

Once Upon a Mattress has closed. Saturday was our final performance and yesterday was our cast party/SST Alumni picnic. This show was a good way to spend the summer. While I originally had hesitations about the script due to the scripts I encountered during the Spring which invoked so much more thought and passion, the audiences enjoyed the show each night and the actors did a great job presenting it in an entertaining matter. And let's be honest, theatre in America is usually used more for entertainment than for "rehearsal for revolution" (Boal). It has been a really positive summer. I have been able to spend time with friends and foster new friendships. During this past week I spent nearly every night post-rehearsal with friends. Most of these nights involved plenty of laughter, which is always needed. And, while I wasn't especially eager for this show to end, I won't mind when the songs finally stop playing on repeat in my head... whenever that may be.

My sister wanted to surprise me at the show one of the nights, but due to my parents' camping trip, there would've been no one to pick her up from the bus stop to surprise me. Instead she surprised my parents and I picked her up Saturday. Of course, it was still a bit of a surprise because she told me of her original plan on Friday, the day before she arrived and then bought the ticket that night. It's always neat to have your family see what you dedicate your time to. Plus I haven't seen my sister since the wedding I went to a month or so ago. Luckily I'll see her again in a week for my birthday :)

Yesterday my sister, Meghan, Chelsea and I all ran together (at different paces). My sister led pretty much the whole way. I am really excited for her. She is running a half marathon next Sunday and I think she will do really well. I am slightly nervous as I am running a 5k that same day. It's the Soul to Sole race so if I ran terrible that's because I was only running it because it was a good cause, not to prove anything ;) You see, it occurred to me today I haven't ran for myself in about... well I'm not sure, but probably over a month. I consistently run with the high schoolers, pick a group and then hold their pace so whoever in their group can hold the pace longer than the other separates and pushes forward. And when I oversleep or have another obligation and don't run with the high schoolers, I don't run at all. Well, there were a few times I did, but even those were recovery days so I wasn't pushing myself. I don't think I'll do terrible, but I am nervous. I have forgotten how to push past that pain barrier. I am consistently sore these days: hip problems and bad form... and probably tight muscles made worse by now eating enough protein. Oh well, I need to get out there and at least try. Of course, if it were to be a serious effort, I probably shouldn't go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show the night before. Ah, well I'll be tired I s'pose. There will be more races...

I am hoping to regain my identity as a runner yet.
Today I was talking to this kid and he said:
"Oh yeah, somebody said that almost didn't recognize you because you used to be all skinny and stuff"
I'm really hoping whoever that was was referring to my 5th grade skinny and not suggesting I'd changed that much from high school :)

Either way, a 60 minute day, followed by a 70. While they were slow and tomorrow will be a low day, but there's still hope.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Once Upon a Mattress is going SO well! I am really happy with how the show has turned out. It's just too bad that there isn't more of a crowd to appreciate it!

My sister is coming to visit for a couple of days tomorrow. I'm wonderfully excited. It's been a little while since I've seen her.

Tonight was my 4th night in a row of hanging out with theatre kids post-theatre. I truly enjoy them. We had some 'quality' night volleyball (quality as in fun, not quality as in sprinters vs. distance). It's just great to have the opportunity to spend time with wonderful people. And I know there's still one night left so I probably shouldn't speak too soon, but the drama (I've been aware of) has been so low it's been wonderful. I had a feeling this summer might be good in that way, but you just never know.

In other news, this week for running has gone
Sunday: 40
Monday: 90
Tuesday: 0
Wednesday: 55
Thursday: 45
Friday: 0
Saturday: Well, it hasn't happened yet, but I am hoping to wake up so I can run some with Julia. We can't have 3 goose eggs on the chart. Besides, that about half of what my Hope girls are doing right now... ikes. Still, I'm proud of that token 90. Anna Jo and I might be running a 10-er on Sunday which means Monday (the h.s.'ers long day) will be interesting. I don't think I'll do two longs days. My legs have had enough trouble recovering. Well, off to bed. I will leave you with this. It was posted in my blog two years ago.
It speaks for itself.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it still isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole
in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Been figuring the being

I've been in and out of crankiness lately. I'll be having an absolutely wonderful time and then suddenly, out of the blue I'll be mopey or negative about something either unrelated or undefined. I come out as quickly as I fall into it, but it is often so unexpected that I take it out on the people around me. Those people are usually my parents.
I think I need a change of scenery. I think that's what it has always been. So often I'll think I need a break from something because it is wearing me down or... something, but I think it's just the sameness that I am tired of. I am anxious to move forward. So often I love where I am, where I was and where I soon will be so equally that I am exhausted by all the wishing, mourning and being.

Thanking for bearing* with me all this time.

*bear vs. bare

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Just Sometimes

I miss college.
I miss being on-campus. London was amazing. This Summer has been so much better than originally predicted. New York will probably be rewarding as well, but sometimes, sometimes you just miss people, pine groves and porches.

Friday, July 17, 2009

I would say thank you if the words were bigger.

Last night's game night was a success. It wasn't a widely-publicized one like the Winter Game Night, but rather- a wonderful, laughter-filled gathering of 8 friends playing a quality 1-2 hours of Apples-to-Apples. What else can you ask for? Angel food cake, strawberries, blueberries and jell-o? We had that too. Life is good.

Tonight I was invited to go get ice cream and, while I didn't make it in time because I was closing up, being invited has always been my favorite part. Aaaaand, it was probably best for my "reevaluation of nutritional intake".

The scene change rehearsal was a little tiring, but useful. Sunday's cue-to-cue would've been a royal mess if we'd waited until then to organize changes. It's a fair amount of large set moving, but I trust that the cast and crew, with a bit of organization and awareness will make it all happen beautifully.

I am tired and am hoping to get some rest. I have stayed up much too late, yet again. Going to sleep at the proper time has never been my specialty. The best thing about my tiredness is it is all happy tiredness. I am excited for the show. I am nervous for it to be more my responsibility, but have faith in all the preparatory work we have done. I am excited for after the show is done. I will do some more work around the house with my dad that following week. Then it will be the weekend before my birthday. Hopefully I will go to Holland sometime around then. I am still confirming some other plans for the rest of that week, but on that Thursday night I will go (re)visit my sister in Chicago. Friday morning I will volunteer at Lollapalooza in the morning and see shows in the afternoon and at night. Saturday morning I will jump in my car for an 8-9.5 hour drive across a couple states to West Virginia to visit with my hilarious cousin who I have not seen in a ridiculous amount of time. It'll be a long car ride (the longest I've ever driven by myself), but well worth it.

Even if all of my other plans were to fall through (let's hope they occur), just the idea of getting to see my sister, the Kings of Leon, my cousin, Andrew bird, and Ben Folds. I mean, perhaps I'll only be close enough to actually see 2 of the five, but that'd be alright with me.

And running is going well.
I have not been as good about eating. I just eat what I want. It's hard to control eating when I'm running. I stop thinking about it as much because I rationalize that I don't have to. I still have a little ways to go before I can fit into my old clothes. My goal does not seem as realistic as I once hoped and thought, but I can get close... I think.

Anyways, life is good. I am enjoying the company of the people that surround me: friends and family. I am taking care of myself. I am looking forward to the Fall, but don't need it to get out of bed. Today is enough for today. The next day will be for tomorrow.

Goodnight good friends.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Exist and exits to gather

Sometimes I don't think I want a relationship at all. I just want to silently lay in the grass next to someone lovely until we speak truth
to prevent our hearts from bursting.

Hands and Hearts: hold, don't break

In many seminary programs, the path to being ordained includes a one-year internship at a church. My home church in Vermilion has hosted many interns. My Junior year our "vicar" was Rob. He is now a pastor at a church in northern Michigan. After reading his fb status, which asked if anyone would like to be included in his weekly meditations I immediately responded, "please". Pastor, then vicar, Rob helped me in great ways with my faith and growth journey. I was quite lost and by listening and encouraging me to trust in the Grace and Faith, eventually I was breathing again. His weekly meditations are short, easy to read emails. This gives me no excuse not to read them through. This week he looked at John 15:13-17.

John 15:13-17
13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.

And you know, if I could pick one verse to share with someone, John 15:17 is it. As Rob said:

"One of the most interesting and dynamic concepts of our faith is to love the world, to love others, just where they are at. That means loving people for who they are at any given moment in their life. Sometimes this is easy, other times it is difficult. But it is possible. It becomes easier the more we reflect upon Christ's love for us, and how we have been chosen. We may not always want to love, but we are chosen to love.

Remember no matter how good or bad we are at this; God still loves us as we are....ALWAYS!"

I suppose this is where Mister Rogers got his line "people can like you just the way you are". It had been a long time since I'd watched Mister Rogers and over the Summer of 2007 I was flipping channels and stumbled upon him. It was towards the end of the show and he was talking to us (his viewers) and reminded us that people can like us just the way we are. I began crying. Summer 2007 had been difficult and I had forgotten this. God loves us just the way we are. It is our responsibility to do our best loving others. I do not know a single person who does not struggle with this. However, I would rather struggle than give in and just decide not to like someone.

Abraham Lincoln once said, "I do not know that man, I must get to know him better".
And someone else reminds us that every person you meet has a story that could break your heart. And while some may disagree, if you approach someone as if they did, you will find your self feeling kinder and truer than once before.

Love is the answer to the question at the heart of yours.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

$15 less in England

Some of my friends from the Czech workcamp are on facebook. I was looking at Olga's pictures today and came across 2 pictures I was in. One picture was of a group of us laying in the grass. I tagged myself in that picture. It's a wonderful picture.

Then there was another one of us walking along the path. It wasn't a bad angle, but goodness did my tummy look huge. Taking a serious look, and actually changing my eating and lack of exercise was the best thing I could have done for myself this summer. I have lost almost 10 pounds. There are still plenty of my clothes that do not fit and I still have a little over 10 to go, but I am much closer than I was two months ago.

As far as weight loss goes I have been shedding the pounds relatively slowly, but I am hoping that this just means they will stay off. There has been little-to-no increase of weight, just quite a few days without change. Apparently 3500 calories equal a pound though, so it is not realistic to expect differently.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Isaac Asimov

I want to invest in everything.
I want to read books on the nervous system and become an expert on organic farming. I know more about dragon flies than I did a year ago. I read about them. They have strange "sex". I want to cook food that is the best you've ever had and put wild berries in your dessert. I want to know Nietzsche and quote the Koran.

I was talking with my friend, Lizzy about learning last night. She is 3 weeks away from her Masters in Library Science. We empathized with each others' quest for knowledge. College just assured us that we would never know as much as we'd like to know.

As Lizzy said:
Doing research in college really raised the issue for me too, because following citation trails will always show you there's some piece of writing just beyond what you've read that you don't have time to get to
but I think how you approach it depends on your outlook on life

She went on to talk about the different ways you can go about learning. You can read the "great works" or focus on classics. You can spend all your time on one subject area or however your interests change. I think part of me blames Matilda. She had read every book in her library. A large part of me wishes I could claim that about the Amherst Library. It is two stories, but if you don't include the reference, magazine or dvd section... it really isn't very big. I, of course, will never read every book in the Amherst Public Library. I even have a couple books on my own shelves I have not read. When expressing my frustration about wanting to read everything, Lizzy reassured my previous behavior by saying that "(she) think(s) the main thing is that you need to read things that interest you, challenge you, and open you to new perspectives"

Well, my good friends, I always get at least 1 of 3. Sometimes I get all three.
Lately, however, I could probably search a little harder for the last requirement.
And thus, is the challenge.
Of course, first I should probably finish the library books I got out a month ago and are now overdue...

Fines... just one more way I support the library.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

And I was thinking, before that...

The light in front of my neighbor's house was casting shadows of my trees onto my house. I stared at them and tried to remember 16. It was a strange drive home.
One time in Driver's Ed class the instructor was talking about how you should wait a little bit after being physically active before driving. I agreed with her then and agree now, but I still run, stretch and then jump in the car. One only wants to stay in the high school parking lot for so long.

I, unlike most people, kind of enjoyed driver's ed. I made a friend, whose name I have forgotten. We caused all sorts of trouble in class, laughing about things. We didn't have intentions of being rude, we just didn't want to be bored the entire four hours... or however long it was. We ate lunch at Arby's.
For an immature reason, I don't go to that Arby's anymore...
I wish I could remember that kid's name.

Lemmon and I once went to that Arby's. He came up to visit me from Medina. We ate Arby's, played Super Nintendo, and went to Jamie's Flea Market.

So I was sitting in my car, staring at the shadows and realized I couldn't recall anything from that year.

When I was driving home I saw a taxi driving down Cleveland Ave. I thought my eyes were fuzzy. They weren't. I heard Celine Dion on the radio and a car ran a red light. A few moments later a car passed me going over 70 mph. The speed limit is 40.

I don't know why, but the drive home felt like it was in a time before now.

After I sat in the driveway awhile, thinking and thinking, I remembered sitting at Blue Sky with Pastor (then Vicar) Rob. And I began to wonder. If we didn't have names for things like depression, would it exist?

If something happens and no one acknowledges it. Did it happen at all?

There are benefits to not being able to travel time.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Invest in Love. The ROI is spectacular.

In a book of Longfellow poems there is an index cards with the words "I love you" written on it.
I was practicing my handwriting; I drew lines:
solid top,
hashed middle,
solid bottom-
to keep the correctly-sized letters straight.
Despite my certainty that the hand-writing is mine, I am unsure how old: 5, 6, 7... I was when I wrote it.
I am even less sure who the 'I love you' was directed towards. Was it to my mother? Father? Self?
Or was I just practicing the words that are important to, but hard to- say;
so I wrote them?

I believe friendships are important. For a good portion of the start of your life there are two kinds of friendship: Best friends and friends. However, I now realize there are many levels of friends. What do you need from them? What can you give them?
I had the opportunity to talk to two of my good friends this evening. I call them good friends for two reasons. One, we are close. They both know a lot about me. The second reason is they invest time and patience and care into the friendship. Jessica, whom I have known for 13 years and Bristol who I have known for 7 months are both people whom I can confide in and feel fuller after talking to them. It was a good night. I am unsure if this late bedtime will lend itself well to waking up to run in the morning, but the time I invested in communication, was so much more important.

Dear friends,

I love you.


Thursday, July 2, 2009

If I let go-

I've written about Andrea Gibson before, but nearly every time I read something of hers, I want to talk about her more. She wrote this in her journal:

"One time we made curtains. Red ones to match my room. Neither of us knew how to use a sewing machine and I kept getting terrified that the sewing needle would sew through my finger. I’ve always been terrified of needles. When i got my kindergarten shots I screamed bloody murder then ran down the hallway of the elementary school wailing...That hurt worse than falling off a roof!! It’s been decades and I still can’t live that down. Last year I accidentally cut myself chopping carrots at my parent’s house and my mother said “Well, it couldn’t have hurt worse than falling off a roof.” People have a hard time letting things go. I am the president of the Not Letting Go Club. In December I did a week long meditation retreat in hopes of learning how to let things go. I spent most of the time thinking about fucking but I sure appreciated how quiet everyone was. I’m easily over stimulated. When I told my last psycho–therapist that I wasn’t gonna go on medication he told me I might benefit from sitting on the floor of a dark closet wearing ear plugs for two or three hours a day. I tried it once but only lasted 20 minutes cause I couldn’t stop thinking about how gay it was to be sitting in the closet. You can find a good reason to stop doing nearly anything. I stopped drinking so we wouldn’t have to keep the kitchen knives on the roof. I stopped smoking so I could look my father in the eye. I stopped sewing

My room is too red. I'm thinking blue would be much better. Or yellow. Or green. And I'll need some more umbrellas. And an orchid. And a photograph of a telephone wire where a bird sits singing to the unanswered calls."

-Andrea Gibson

I cried and believe in the birds.

Well Fairs

I'm a libertarian. I'm also a semi-informed person. I say this because there are a zillion issues I do not research. I pick a few things and become informed on them. If I entered more political debates, this would get me in trouble, but when it comes down to it, I care more about other things: theatre, running, ect. I know that policies made by past and current governments are important, but when it comes down to it, I'll do my job and you do yours. I care about civilian rights, education (which includes museums and libraries) and truth. I don't think the whole economic crisis was handled in the way that I, a girl who has read 10 economic books, taken a few classes and lived 20 years, would have handled it. This does not mean it was stupid or not thought through, but there probably were other, perhaps, better options. In the meantime, I am just trusting that the economy will turn around eventually, and hopefully sooner, rather than later. So, you can stop asking if I'm afraid to graduate and be unemployed. That's a full year away and I have no more to say about it. If I didn't have my parents, I'd currently be on the streets this summer because I couldn't afford a place to live. Let's focus on now and let later take care of itself.