Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Goddess's Body

All of this should be read taking into account that I am currently eating obscene amounts of my Grandma's homemade chex mix after having consumed a couple- well, a few hand fulls of chocolate.

In this particular blog I found myself talking about my desire to lower my weight or get back on track with running more often than perhaps I "should". In the spring it was because I literally felt gross. It had little-to-nothing to do with the mirror and much more about how I felt. The fact that my clothes were not fitting was part of it, but the majority of it was just the 'blah' feeling I woke up and went to bed with every day and night. My current desire to rebecome a "real runner" is partly because of that and more so because I miss the mentality of running. I am nostalgic for my teams and I miss having that sort of focus. I have been reading David Allen's "Getting Things Done" and in the first chapter he asks you to think of a time when you've been truly productive. He begins describing the feeling and I immediately think of running. He later equates the feeling or productivity to "the zone," which we runners often talk about. Starting the day with productivity or knowing you have guaranteed productivity at 4:00 is a good feeling. It lets you know that you can and will accomplish things. You just have to start by getting dressed, putting on the proper shoes, and showing up.

Of course, I would be a bit of a liar if I claimed that I did not look in the mirror and occasionally groan. The positive reinforcement I have received from certain males this past semester has, however shallowly, discouraged me from groaning as much, but that glance in the mirror pre-shower is usually not received with a smile. I am thinking of not having mirrors bigger than face size in bathrooms when I am a grown-up. I feel as though having the face size ones might be helpful as I do like to do a quick teeth-check post-meals and pre-meeting up. While mirrors in other rooms may be useful to increase the size that the room appears, they usually result in feeling an increase in your own personal size as well. And one* may say, well what about "Spaceballs", that guy would have never known how big his butt was if his head hadn't been turned around... mirrors can help with that. Yes, yes, but if God had wanted us to know how our butts truly appeared, wouldn't he have put them in front? Or perhaps given us removable eyes?

All that said, my friend and former housemate wrote a facebook note today. In it she discusses her experience in Argentina and the reality of the clothing industry's preference to smaller women. She wrote:

"[...] because Americans are much larger than Argentinian girls I would never be able to fit into the popular clothing. I was large and I became very comfortable with it. I remember being at the public pool wearing my bright red bikini and having everyone stare at me, because I didn't care about my love handles and belly. I strut around like I was gorgeous, because what else are you going to do with all those tiny girls for competition."

I immediately thought back to Bulgaria. I had the exact opposite feeling when I was there. All of those small women made me feel extra large. (Of course, this was when I was at my new largest size so surely that did not help.) And you know, I am back in America now and am not one of the largest people I know. I have been, perhaps, the largest girl on the cross country team, but not with a difference so large that I embarrassed myself. Sure, there are some men who I am much too large for. If they wanted to make me clothing it would take too much fabric [surely this is the reason that don't feel motivated to court me] and thus are not physically attracted. That's okay. Some men are also more attracted to Koreans, but you have to narrow the candidates down somehow. Perhaps, I was just meant to be born in the 1500s [despite the lack of women's rights]. After all, I look much more like a goddess in a painting than a celebrity on the cover of Glamour anyways:

Venus Of Urbino By Titian** [1538]

*one meaning I
**Of course, when Manet used Venus as a model for his Olympia three hundred and twenty five years later [1863] her love handles had a little less to love, but who wants less to love anyways? [that is a rhetorical question]

The Napping House

I live in the Napping House.
While I can sleep well most places when the day is tiring enough, I can typically sleep more here either way. Something about being home causes me to nap more freely and oversleep more often. Today T and I were supposed to run at 9:30- not terribly early. I got up when my alarm went off and even changed my clothes, but woke up at 9:37 to her text realizing that I had done this all in my sleep and was late. I ended up not going running. Despite the rest, my body wasn't up to it. I am beginning to worry that if I keep babying my hips I will never be a "real runner" again, but there's still hope. It just, like so many other things, takes time... and care... Apparently, it also takes lots of naps.

I am back in this house. I am back in the napping house. It is a place where I close my eyes for longer than my average duration, but it is also a place in which I hope to rejuvenate so I can accomplish great things when I leave again.
I don't know if it works that way and my inspiration has not been as high as I would've hoped. I suppose the most likely reason for this is that I am consistently wrong in my guesses as to the reasons why I am placed in places.

With that said, I am off to work on the plays. Jeri and I have a meeting tomorrow and right now my brain is not ready for it. The wonderful time I've spent with family and the card group [not-related family] has filled up majority of my not-sleeping time since being home. It's been lovely, but sometimes spending a certain amount of time at the Napping House or with people from the Napping House makes it difficult to return to the "to-do" world. Let's hope Allen's "Getting Things Done" will help this phenomenon.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

One by one they came, and one by one they...

I am finishing up my last project for MD, which I have been putting off all week. I don't like endings and people are leaving '305'. One suitcase is packed. I have presents to buy today and other "to-do's" today. There is excitement planned for nearly every day up to New Year's. Yet, I still am not ready to go.

On a happier note. I am giving Cole, my designer's brand-new son The Lorax, Goodnight Moon, and The Monster at the End of this Book for his first birthday [the day he turned a minute old]. Since the second two books are board books I only wrote in the first. In the following The Lorax and while it's true for Cole, it is also true for you... and so, I will share it:

Cole- Welcome to the World!

Life can be limited without an imagination.
Please make sure to dream; you'll be a sensation!
As you grow, listen and listen close:
You will find the things and people who matter most!
People will take care of you.
Make sure to take care of them too!
And remember: the Seussical, musical, mythical, and beautiful make things magical.
And so, Can YOU!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sea is for Cow and Mantees are for me

In the Second Grade my class collected money and adopted 2 manatees. Ever since I have had a soft spot for these fascinating animals.

Paper snowflakes to come...

I received my second Christmas card of the season. I'm usually anti-e-cards, but I'll let Delta get away with it. For some strange reason I found it really cute. There is seriously something wrong with me, haha.

Okay, enough email. Back to work.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

It Will Happen Either Way

I have one week left in the City and have hit a plateau. I am terribly unmotivated to do many things and find time just silently passing me by. I am not sure if this is due to the ending [endings always shake me for a bit], the lack of running, the large amount of darkness, or one of the million other possibilities, but it is frustrating. I spend a lot of time thinking about projects for next semester and all that I am not accomplishing in the present, but instead of putting on my running shoes I settle for staring out the window.

Don't misunderstand me. I have still been enjoying moments of life. I went to a show Julie helped costume on Friday and enjoyed it. Tealla and I walked around the City yesterday morning and went shopping. Tonight I am attending my friend, Isaac's Christmas party and tomorrow we are having an "Interns Holiday Party" here. On Tuesday I might be leaving the City for a night and on Wednesday I am seeing Lion King with Julie. I am still ridiculously blessed, but instead of taking advantage of other excitement or engaging in conversations, I take naps. I suppose that is okay, but I know I will miss the City as soon as I leave it and thus I worry I aught to be taking advantage of it now. I guess, instead, I am choosing to 'fade away' rather than 'burn out'.

Of course, as soon as I reread this I remembered that lady on the plane back from London. We CAN have adventures anywhere. Your location only determines your physical proximity to others. Luckily I have a far reaching inner self.

Friday, December 11, 2009

[Like the Color] La

My friend, and one of my (if my very) favorite training partner(s), Tealla is in The City this weekend. I am so excited to hang out with her that this deserves a post all of its own. Her schedule is pretty busy, but we are getting together tomorrow morning before my meeting with the LD for next semester. While the East Village is usually one of my favorite places to go with people [coffee and general good vibes], I'm think Bryant Park would be festive and perhaps we'll go ice skating!

Emotional Investments

At one point I thought Love was a great thing to invest in because the ROIs were so great, but lately I have been wondering about the risks.
What are the possible repercussions of taking or not taking the risk? Are they worth it?

I was talking with a close friend today about the idea of spending quality time with someone who you knew there would probably be no future with. Do we do it because we are actually emotionally capable of not over-investing or because we are hopeless romantics that are just waiting for the right time? Or, is it- perhaps- because we (particularly immediately) after being hurt want a connection, but are only inclined to reach for a connection if it will not hurt when it goes away? We have adapted the cynical point of view that long term happiness is impossible and thus we should only invest in the now what are willing to pay for in the future.

Of course, the hopeless romantic in me says the reality of now is different from the reality of the future. And Love is just another High Risk, which you take the chance of hurt for when you want a chance at the best ROI of your life. After all, emotions are fairly infinite, so why not?


Monday, December 7, 2009

Feel the day Chardonnay

This morning feels like years ago.
London feels like another person's experience
and Holland feels like a story I read once.

It's as if there is only now and everything else is due to an overactive imagination, which we all know I have.
And perhaps most of the people are so wonderful because imaginary means more than I thought it did.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


I may not move back to New York in May.

I might, but if not, that does not mean I failed or that I didn't follow my heart.
It means that I remembered that all that matters is that I am Alive, Aware and Acting [the action kind, not the on-stage kind]. If I end up not in the theatre at all, that's okay too. At this point I'd like to continue in the theatre. I love it. But, there is no career or city that I "know" I will be happy in. Thus, I will continue to knock on doors and throw stones at windows and when one is opened for me I'll go through it, and if it leads me to Nevada-- well, I might turn around, haha. But honestly, who knows :) Plus, I'm here to experience things and share Love. There is no where in the world where NOTHING happens. Sometimes it may feel that way, but that is only because
A. Your eyes aren't open
B. You're standing still.

I just wanted to clear that up.