Sunday, January 31, 2010

If you follow links long enough, you might end up on All the same,
100 things to teach [somebody's] children

Friday, January 29, 2010

If all the raindrops... (weren't silver dollars)

In the movie we were watching there was a man entering a mansion and one of the men standing by the door walked over to the man's car and put the umbrella out. The man would not have to get wet in the rain in the couple feet it took him to get from the car to the front door. The guy I was watching the movie with told me that some day he wants to be rich enough to have that happen to him. I knew I didn't feel the same, but I couldn't totally articulate what I was feeling. Today I was thinking about this moment and it occurred to me, I never need to be rich enough for that, I hope I am always free enough to leave my house to dance in the rain. And I pray I am always rich enough to have warm clothes to put on after my dance or perhaps the warm body of someone I love to cuddle with.

I do not like umbrellas. I like sitting in meetings wet even less so I own one, but I like to acknowledge the rain as the beautiful reality it is. When the rain is warm it is so cleansing I know my soul is real and honest again. I am washed over with the sense that I am real and I am here.

Of course... sometimes umbrellas are wonderful...

ps. People in ponchos make me giggle. I think people in love standing in ponchos are extra awesome.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

An Orange Juice Day

Interesting Link of the day:

On an unrelated note, I am extremely excited for spring break. I just booked my flights :) Only two months until sunny Texas...

Friday, January 22, 2010

Some mornings I wake up wanting nothing more than to draw on white walls.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Deciding your course of action

I finally figured out the difference!

You know all of those years that people told me to stop caring about what "other" people think and how I never listened... Well, it was because I did not like the alternative. I took it as they wanted me to stop caring about other people and I knew I did not want to turn into that person. But no, what you should truly do is...

Try not to let what people think take away from who you are and who you want to be, but remember to stay aware and open to how they feel.

Yes, I think that is it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I don't care that we're not supposed to "get it"

"...she's a youth pastor or, well, young adult pastor I guess"
"eh, youth pastor. We're still youth. We're still lost"
"Yes, we are still lost"

[Music recommendation by Roommate Meghan]

What do you do when someone who is part of your life is no longer there? What do you do to bridge the gap? The world insists that you keep going. The sun still sets and the due dates don't disappear. But, things don't go on as normal. Our minds are restless and are hearts are shrinking and exploding and caving inside themselves. We are confused and the whole experience is rather scary. It does not matter how many people you have lost or will lose in the future. You are still alone and together and rather unsure of what now...

The Bhagavadgita, a sacred Hindu text says:
Never the spirit was born; the spirit shall cease to be never
Never was time it was not; End and Beginning are dreams!
Birthless and deathless and changeless remaineth the spirit for ever;
Death hath not touched it all, dead though the house of it seems!

And as true or not true as that may be, I still need to mourn and most people I know still need that time to continue. And either way you look at it, it's tough.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

for now

I don't need anyone in particular. I just need someone. Lucky for me I have quite a few someones with beautiful souls in my life. If you don't want to be added to that list. It's okay.

I'm okay.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Inch by inch and moment by lifetime.

When I lived in the Czech Republic we did some work clearing old branches, dead plants, and other miscellaneous formerly green pieces. While we were clearing out pine needles one day I saw some snails. I watched them for quite the while. I continued working and after a few minutes returned to the snails. I thought of this song. You know those snails, they really get it. They are fascinating creatures and I wish I had more time and places in which to watch them. Sometimes I forget about the beauty in every inch.

There is a part of me that feels blue right now. I have met so many amazing people and yet it is the couple of people who I have made efforts to keep in my life, with failed results, that make me oh-so-sad. [added a little later] Although, I guess it's not just them. Life is just confusing sometimes.

I need to go running. My perspective needs renewing. I need to twirl and shake and believe.

Although, I must admit. I did receive some wonderfully warm welcomes this past week. I have wonderful, wonderful friends.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Nothing's as Pretty as the Past

The best you ever had will always be in the past.

Monday, January 11, 2010

When was the Italian Renaissance?

Currently I am trying to balance the following things:

-Prepping for classes... real ones on Hope's campus for the first time in a year
-Reuniting with friends
-Retaining contact with friends that are not in a close physical proximity
-Accepting that things are going to feel different
-Creating a comfortable living space
-Prepping for Much Ado
-Working on the Afghan play and all the things that requires
-Researching Grad Schools
-Attempting to apply for jobs... so far I have lists, but no letters
-Planning Trips
-Trying to not be bothered by the lack of communication from a couple key people who matter
-Beginning to figure out budget stuff for post-graduation
-Developing a running plan
-Trying to convince myself that I am okay not living in New York and London
-Daily Living: Laundry, Grocery Shopping, bills, ect.

When I think of past semesters or potential grad schools it really isn't that much to do, but it's a lot of important things to think about and I think that's where the difficulty to focus comes in.

The truth is, sometimes when I start to think about projects and the future and [...] my stomach sometimes does little flips. They are mostly butterflies of excitement, but there is that bit of nervousness... just because there is so much unknown. It is similar to those times when you take a quiz on the first day of the class just to measure how much you know. You are, for whatever reason, supposed to put an answer down for every question whether you know it or not. Then at the end of the semester you take the same test and you see how much more you've learned. You know that first quiz doesn't matter and you don't have to know everything- seeing as you're supposed to learn some of it- but, at the same time, you want to know, and you feel as though you should know... so you get these li'l flips in your tummy... Yeah, it's like that.

Friday, January 8, 2010

There's really no good time for anyone to leave

My room hasn't been this empty since the summer before third grade when my sister and I moved into it. The bed frame that replaced hers in now in the car, accompanied by my mattresses, ready to go to Holland in the morning. My cat must know I am leaving because she has been spending even more time with me than usual. Looking at my room and knowing that it has been 8 years since I was a freshman in high school... or since I played soccer or since... well, I don't know. It just shakes me a bit.

I don't like endings. Leaving London, the Czech, and New York were all difficult. However, graduation from college is bigger ending than all of those. It is bigger than graduating high school. I have no idea what comes next and the probability of my returning to most of the places I have been is slim.

I like learning because I am that much closer to my battle with the unknown. It's times like these that lead me to believe that I am fighting in vain. Of course, as soon as I imagine giving up I remember that I'd rather walk near-sightedly with my eyes open than to close them altogether. And so, as long as the weather cooperates, I am off to Holland in morning. Let's hope for dry roads and an easy adjustment.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A Not so Lost Angel

I, along with a zillion other people, openly love Lady Gaga. There are probably things wrong with her and at some time she may stop being amazing. She might end up not being an amazing person and there are a million things about her I don't know, but the confidence she has displayed thus far is reassuring. It is possible for people to grow up in this world and [at least some of this time] show they're great and be proud.

And "In a recent interview for an Australian radio post, the singer declared [On rumors of being a intersexed]:
"My beautiful vagina is very offended. I'm not offended; my vagina is offended."
Then she added: "I'm not embarrassed. I sold four million records in six
months; I'm not embarrassed about any...thing. I think this is society's
reaction to a strong woman. The idea that we equate strength with men
and a penis is a symbol of male strength, you know, it is what it is.
But like I said," the dance-pop diva reiterated, "I am not offended at
all, but my vagina might be a little bit upset."

Yes. Exactly. Being intersexed would be no big deal, but no vagina likes to be mistaken for a boy part [just like the other way around]. Love it.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Real Adult[s]

I am quickly approaching my final semester of my BA in theatre. I think this focus on theatre and the particular elements of the physical space, characters, and the given/taken energy has put a positive spin on my tendency to analyze. I do, however, struggle with remembering that regular people are not able to be analyzed in the same way as characters are analyzed. Unless it is a play with historical references, there is a limited amount of information about the "people" in a play. You figure out everything 'given' from the playwright and you, by the rules of theatre, are allowed to chose everything else. The playwright supplies a limited amount of facts... or opportunities to read between the lines.
The people in "real life" are constantly adding facts about themselves as more things happen in time. The world works that way and as of right now there is nothing to be done about that. The only way that things stop being added is if someone dies... and even then we might find out more later. To add to this we will never know everything- even about one particular person. I know this, but I like to know things and the guarantee of not knowing things make the analytical aspects of my self restless. This is especially true when there are "open loops" of information for particular people. There are certain questions I have, but for a variety of reasons I am not able to ask these questions or find these answers. This results in a little kid, sitting in the back of the classroom that is in my mind, wiggling in his chair, waving his hand in the back, "teacher! teacher!". He will not be called on because he asks the same question EVERY TIME and all the storage boxes of information in my mind are lacking the answer. He just sits there wiggling with his hand waving... the hand switches periodically because he is getting quite tired. And a little bit of me wonders if by the time I call on him to ask the question [if the opportunity arises] if he will have forgotten the question is altogether. This image of my mind is why I am not a neuroscience, neurobiology, or anything of the sort major... I've been told this isn't exactly what happens. Actually, let's be honest. I know a bit about it, but that, is neither here nor there.

That entire rambling is just to let you know that there is a little kid in the back of the class wondering about you because you don't make sense to me.

More than stick figures

In my young life, I have never been a big maker of New Year's Resolutions. This year I will have the same goal as I probably have, whether I declare it or not, every year: To Grow.
However, J str[an]skee [I try to make names so they won't show up in google searches if we're not terribly close... it's probably weird] had his new year's resolution posted on facebook and I think he's onto something:

"My new year's resolution... Stop the nonsense, get back to my art"

Yeah, I think he's onto something. My priority is still to grow, but due to the unlikeliness of height increase at my age, my growth must come from other things... I will strive to make one of these things my art. Now, if the growth comes from other things, this year will not be a failure, but if you don't put at least a small benchmark up there, there's nothing to measure by. That, my friends, is [in the PR context] failure.