Thursday, October 30, 2008

Conference Meet on Saturday

I'm tired of colds, hamstrings, stress, hips, bad grades, the need for sleep, and weak muscles keeping me down....

Is it time for Thanksgiving yet?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The past is only the future with the lights on

Some say sundresses are meant for girls. Sundresses are meant for those free at heart. Some days I miss the little me in the sundress. Other days I miss the big me in the sundress. Most days I just want to lay in bed and think about the sun outside of the window. It'd be nice to stand in the sun, but some days your legs just look too muscular or your arms too flabby in the sun dress or perhaps your heart just isn't sure if it believes in the sun any more.

Julie posted pictures of the production process of my high school's fall show. There was a picture of Maddie, Miller's little sister and it really made me miss Miller (and her family). And then I began missing other friends and high school theatre and what that meant to me. I consistently wonder who I would be if I deserted running and concentrately solely on theatre. It should be noted that I often wonder what would happen if I left theatre and focused just on running. But I began to miss so many things... that security. Of course, if I let myself truly think back I'll remember the people who I let take that confidence away from me. The people who I thought might say things behind my back were always there, as was the fear that I would screw up terribly. And sometimes I think about Rod Stewart and how right he was when he sang "I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger...". Then again, would I really react differently? I still rely on other people for my happiness. I am still upset when I don't run well and I still believe being invited is important.

I would venture to say I am bit different now though...
I don't think I would have actually carved such a pumpkin when I was in high school...
To be honest, I'm not sure what I would have done in high school.

What a mix of thoughts this is turning into...

Just know this:
I have a cold and I am sleepy, but I have things to finish.
Tonight was discouraging, but so are so many other things. This morning I received a wonderful 8A call. I love receiving phone calls from enjoyable people when I'm in dream state, it's much better than Michigan.
I am looking forward to this weekend for many reasons, including: this week will be done, I may see my favorite, schae-schae, the XC meet, post xc meet, work, paycheck, sleeeeep, Halloween!!! everything you could possibly want <3 style="font-style: italic;">really needed that time with her. The next morning we went for a run and Chicago lived up to its windy nickname. We attempted to work on homework. I was probably distracting because I always feel like I have so much to tell Anna Jo even when none of it holds any weight. Later that night we went to dinner and then to see The House show Dave Davinci Saves the Universe. I saw Nathan Allen (yay!) and Brandon, whom I didn't realize I would get to see there so it was super exciting! The lighting for teh show was marvelous. I would've liked to say to listen to the panel discussion and such things, but I had to leave so Anna Jo and I could return to Anna Jo's and then she could take me downtown to Millenium Station so I could go back to Ogden. The rest of this journey was messy. I didn't meet anyone on the train because I was concentrating on homework. I arrived a little late at Ogden Dunes, went the wrong way for awhile, had to stop and pee (although there were no where open to do that) and then when I was 12 miles from my exit (I approximate 20 miles from home) my car made scary noises like there was a bear in my engine and I put my flashers on and coasted the rest of the way home. It was ridiculous. I arrived home around 4:30 a.m. The rset of my week has been a result of that, haha
Oh, but it should be noted that the restaurant Anna Jo and I went to before Dave Davinci was wonderful. The lighting was the perfect mix of bar/restaurant, dark enough to have "atmosphere," but bright enough you could see your menu. There were numerous seating arrangements and the food was EXCELLENT (which is not the case at every place that has over 40% of its focus on alcohol). I would tell you the name of the place, but I've forgotten it. Americana pub or something ... Anna Jo, do you remember?

I have to go write my scene analysis for lighting. Goodnight <3

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The World Gives You More.

Sometimes I begin to forget that I am real. It is easy to do. If you sit with enough people who don't see you or if you sit in an empty hall or if you just exist without anyone else giving you warmth for some duration of time, you just forget. Sometimes before you get too far you remember to call someone and they remind you. Often you do not even realize you are doing it until people don't answer and don't answer and suddenly you aren't so sure where you were and where you are and oh goodness... But then someone does-- someone answers or walks through the door and smile-nods and... all of a sudden you remember. The fade ends and you jolt back. Perhaps you're disorientated for awhile, but you're there. Where there is I'm still unclear, but there all the same. The place that you need to be if you're ever going to get a decent grade on that godforsaken exam...

I get closer to this state after spending a lot of time with people and then leaving. This has been wonderful. Friday night I went contre dancing for historical social dance. I felt semi-accepted by the dancers (which is always appreciated) and despite being super sweaty had an awesome time being twirled and swung around the dance floors by people I had never met and may never see again. I am hoping to be in Ohio for the next one, but if you're around... contre dancing at the fair grounds... $5 for students... in the red brick building. You might want to bring a change of shirt though... you get kinda sweaty and a little tired just an hour into it...
Friday my mom and dad sent me 6 roses for the race and Sweetest Day. It was one of the greatest things to come back to your room with roses on the bed!!

And a quick synopsis of the rest of my weekend since my motivation is gone:
*Manchester went pretty well. I ran a seasonal 6k PR and possibly a lifetime 6k PR, but I can't find the results of most of my past 6ks leaving me in great suspense. I ran a 24:50 which isn't pace to break 20 minutes, but if it'd been a 5k I would have at least had a lifetime PR--even if I didn't break 20. darn. I also got outkicked by the girl I think outkicked at the Jamboree. She finished 25th. Top 25 received tshirts. I was a bit mopey about it, but then, low and behold I actually did receive a tshirt (26th counts! woo!) because apparently unattached runners don't count? I was a little confused, but quite happy. I returned to campus and worked on my lighting project with Andrew. Then I stopped by Andi's room and we worked on this super cool math project Andi has to do in which you have to make the numbers 1-20 with four 4's and any operation. It was tricky, but we finished it. Yes! After going home, visiting with my housemates and then wasting some time sitting around going crazy, I finally went to bed around 2.
I woke up the next morning to a lovely 8a wake-up call from Aaron... which actually was good because I needed to get up so I could get 1/2 my day prepared before going grocery shopping. I did and then after grocery shopping worked on more lighting. Then I actually worked to get paid and then returned to do more lighting. Then I moved over to the studio theatre for directing 1 auditions where I was slightly overwhelmed, partly because I was super tired and partly because there were so many wonderful actors and actresses who came out. We're planning on casting tomorrow in class. I'm so excited and so nervous for this project at the same time. There is so much we can do and so many great people who can bring it to life... it's just so much unknown ready to be dived into! After the auditions I studied... and that leaves me here... late Sunday night in Dewitt... again. Sometimes I wish they'd just give me a small room here so I wouldn't have to walk home in the cold.

Note: This was written in sections and after the first section Alex and Chris both stopped and talked to me for awhile. Quality. Sometimes the feeling disconnected is trippy in a cool way, but really, I enjoy the warmth of a good conversation and an honest interaction... and I am grateful the many that I have these days.

"My weariness amazes me"

This semester is going so quickly. I started to plan when I was going to work on a couple of my projects and then began to panic. I thought the semester was longer than this, haha. Although I have to admit, I already feel like I've been here. Whenever I return I feel like I never left. Other people did and many things changed, but I'm still here, just like I was before. Part of that was never changing rooms, but part of that is just who I am and where my life is right now.

Things have been going really well. Fall break was last Monday/Tuesday. Friday night I tied up some loose ends and just hung around Timmer. I talked to my mom and she asked if I might want to go camping the next night. I thought that sounded wonderful and so she said she'd ask my dad in the morning if he wanted to go and then she began to look for campsites. So the next morning she called me so I could get up and start to work on things. And early that afternoon I drove just south of Portage to a campground in Augusta. My mom, dad and I had dinner and went on a walk and it was wonderful: exactly what I needed. It's not terribly often you are able to sit around with your parents without being rushed here or there or without a list of things to talk about. Needless to say, I wish I could have stayed quite a bit longer the next morning. However I had agreed to work on a lighting project that morning. Then at 1:30 I met up with a bunch of the runners and we went out to Coach's cabin for Sunday and Monday. The trails were beautiful. And Ah! The leaves! I just love autumn...

I'd like to continue writing and give you full ,descriptive stories on how leaves in Holland remind me of Schaedig, Andi and/or maybe Jackie and I throwing leaves up in the air and running through them and jumping in them at the cemetery-- Or the story of how you know something is important when you go back to check on it... even when you don't have to anymore, like high school cross country [they matter to me a lot]. Or the story of how people refer to shows they've created as children and how I'm permanently attached to Rose and the Rime. And you know, someday I might like to coach, but I hope Ellis would live nearby so when I don't remember the name of the muscles she can help me out. Or I could tell you of how Aaron says I'm permanently high. And if I wrote more I could write about how I don't need a boyfriend to send me flowers, because my parents are the best and how... how, I'm terribly tired and I just did a minute by minute analysis of the next two days and realized that I really can't fit everything in. So it's time to go. But I love you and I thank you for your support.

Come visit me in London next Spring!!
[trying not to get too excited too soon cause it's a good 80ish days off and a little scary too<3]

Friday, October 17, 2008

It's getting hard to remember what I came here to forget

I am every self self I've ever been. I am reminded of this often. Sometimes it's just when I have the giggles or when I get scared of dogs. I"m not always afraid of dogs, but sometimes... sometimes, I don't do so well. This past week we were on this run out a ways from campus and there was a dog and it ran towards us. I stopped and when it wouldn't go away I began to get very upset-- panicking. I began running again, but I never truly got into the workout. The dog, who was a little round on the sides, ran with us for a good 3 or 4 miles... and we were doing a minute on, minute off, 2 on.. and so on.

Back in 2005 my good friend Larry wrote a blog entry on the existence of all his selves. He set it this way:
"i am the dormitory for all the Larry's that i have been... they are housed here and talk to me, see the world i am seeing and tell me how i would see events at each age till now."

He then continues to give an event that reminded him of that and added "i miss that kind of abandon." saying that he still keeps part of those selves around, but he can't be 7 or 17 or whatever age... all the time anymore-- just sometimes.

And this is why sometimes we panic when big dogs run towards us and why sometimes we proceed with caution (but proceed). This is why we jump on beds and sing silly songs. This is why phone calls matter and people saying mean things hurts. And this is why getting giggly over a nice, cute boy is okay. I have to remind myself of that. I give myself permission to chalk and swing and giggle until I cry, but I keep forgetting to give my permission to crush-- and crush on someone even if we know he's not going to crush back. That's alright... give you something new to over-analyze ;)

I also think that this is also why we miss certain people sometimes, but not all the time. There are days when all I want is to be back at my 8th birthday party. My mom and sister put together a scavenger hunt. Some days when I imagine I am back at Camp Fitch with my sixth grade class... when Wes had a crush on Bridget and they were my two closest friends and they were both worried it was going to hurt their friendship (side note: Bridget didn't like Wes back and was very nice about it with me cause she knew I was sort of crushing on him at the time). Often I wish I was back in Michael Roder's living room dancing to Purple People Eater or up in his tiny attic playing some game with our amazing imaginations... before people believed you need pot to get "truly creative". Other times I just want to return to freshman year cross country season when things were new and exciting and I PRed every race (except for one). And sometimes I want to return to the prop room, winter of my freshman year and sing I Kissed a Drunk Girl with Mike, Christine and Amber and whoever else cared to join in. Or perhaps when I'd escape that dumb mandatory freshman tech class and sit on the floor of senior lounge by Mike and Katie and just soak up their presence and their wisdom. And I miss the people and the feelings that the memories remind me of. But I do not think of them all the time. You can't. You have to experience other things now, for those things have come to past and so now you are here and it's your job to make it amazing so it can be stored in the box labeled "open when sad" or "CAUTION: Contains Creative Energy".

There are many other times I don't look back on so often. Or perhaps I look back on times around them, but have reworked what was reality so I don't have to feel sad. I look forward to the orientation for study abroad so that when people talk about orientations I don't have to always feel so sad. And there are many days of high school that I do let blur together because those darn teenage hormones made days that might have otherwise been fine, a little extra messy.
Often when I want to think of happy more recent times, I think of swinging. I think of swinging with Aaron. I think of lots of times with Aaron. From April to July of 2006 are so packed full with happy memories it's difficult to remember all of them. I think of swinging. I think of swinging with Lizzy and Ian and Chris and Christy and you. Swings, specifically the Powers or Shupe ones are sacred to me. There is something magical about the night air flushing over your wide open or tightly shut eyes as you listen to a dear friend.

There is something magical and something sacred.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What do you do while the rest of the world sleeps?

As I go throughout my day, I have a continuous inner-monologue playing. Occasionally monologues are created for people that I am not. Example:

I think of things, my dear. I think of them when you close your eyes at night and I lay there, and it occurs to me that I am the closest to you and furthest away that I will ever be, at the same time. And then I remember that I will never sleep and that the world spins faster than I move and I remember that Thanksgiving dinner is at your mother's house this year and-- well it all appears again, everything that was and nothing that will be and I know that I'll be okay. Yes, I spend most of the time just thinking of things.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

My body is a bottle holding in fireflies.

Thursday a guest speaker came into my management perspectives and theory class. He talked about emotional intelligence, which I have addressed in a few classes before. After listening to some music he said that if music can make us feel a particular emotion, than of course words should be able to do it, suggesting that words should be easier. I differ from this opinion. On a day-to-day basis, I believe music, and occasionally the link of the words and the music, manipulate the way we feel and approach the world much more than words that people say. Exceptions to this are obviously theatre and those sorts of words, but I find it is more difficult to shut out music.
Some musical artists who have had this effect in the past 2 weeks alone: Ben Lee (currently), Bob Dylan, Bright Eyes, Kate Nash, Lupe Fiasco, Otis Redding...
And those are just the ones I thought of in the first 10 seconds.

And so maybe it's Ben Lee's fault or maybe it's because talking to my mom, my sister, aaron, that other kid and getting a message from Schae-schae all within a few hours of each other- after yesterday talking with Jessica for the first time in much too long and spending 4 hours last night with Tim-- but I have energy and love to share, but I am lacking an outlet and therefore feel like I should jump off a tall building because for the first time in my life-- I know I could fly.

But yet, I worry that I won't find the peace in New York City that I appreciate the campus for during breaks. And what if there's too much broken glass to safely walk around barefoot?

There's a slight chance I may go camping with my parents tomorrow night. I really hope it happens. I would love such an adventure.

Friday, October 10, 2008

We're all in this together.

I've always loved being on campus during breaks. About two weeks after break I yearn for home, but there are serious benefits before that feeling hits. You see, this world is peaceful, Especially on nights like this. There may be other people walking around, playing frisbee golf, but yet there is this coolness calming all those things you thought before.
I came home from watching Second Class [it was a great performance tonight-- I much preferred it to final dress] and took a shower. I needed to feel as clean as the air I ran through to get here. I had pulled up my long black skirt so as not to trip and I sprinted, sprinted through the purity that's been gone for too long.

I dried off and messaged a friend who is feeling some things that feel so familiar to me. Rewind two years, freshman year, feeling alone and as if I was in the wrong place most of the time. There were a lot of tears resulting from something outside of college, but truly I didn't want to be here. There was no one I truly cared about here. School was meaningless, nothing was being changed. Running was lonely and I searched the theatre, but consistently left work feeling more and more insecure. And all I wanted was to be held. And sometimes I just wanted to run away and save the world: to serve the world.
He mostly just wanted someone to hold and to be around someone who mattered to him beyond the common care you give human beings. I asked him if he remembered my freshman year, because, along with a few others, he was often my lifeline. He replied with "yeah you were a mess". And he may feel similar, but I know he'll be fine. He's very likable and with his energy-- ...anyways, I am so grateful to never have to relive the first semester of my freshman year (of college). I do not want to even go back and look to see how I could have changed it. I am glad I am out of it and that through the grace of love and the patience of time I, now, have people that I care about and who care about me.
I ended the conversation and felt a little frustrated at him because while I lived in that world for so long and knew sadness well. He just sounded like he thought he was entitled to never having to feel such things. And while I don't think anyone should have to feel that way; we all do at some point. In a way that is a major theme of Second Class: We are all awkward and searching. Well, despite that small feeling, I wanted nothing more than to take that sadness away. I tried with all my energies to send him thoughts of being held, going on magical adventures and having secret escapes.
Awhile later I called him and he was fine. He was with a friend and the friend said they were high-- as so much of me knew they would be. I must be honest, I had wished for a much truer adventure or escape for him, but I can't complain- he sounded fine and I was fine and we got off the phone and I went to accomplish other things.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Tunnel Vision is the Vision of Dreamers

A week(ish) ago, I told Rob I sometimes wish I could revisit my freshman year of high school to see what I was really like. I remember so much of it fondly, but who did I appear to everyone else? And how does that compare to today? Should I have kept more? Less? Or am I the same, but with an addition six years of back-story? We then moved on to discuss whether or not we'd want to see our lives as a movie-- even if someone else had the editing hand. We then debated whether or not we'd recommend the movie to our friends. At this point in the conversation, Sarah had joined in and said she'd want people to see it so they could understand her more. I said I would recommend it to people because it would be interesting, but I wouldn't want them to know that much about me. There's value in being the only person who has seen everything you have experienced.

(Note: Rob and I agreed that out of all the people we know, Jason Todd's life would make the best movie)

The odd part about the start of this conversation was that exact evening Miss Katie (now with a new last name... crazy married folks), one of my two seniors, IMed me. We talked for a short time, I think I ended up having to go somewhere or something of the sort. I am hoping we can meet up sometime when I'm in Ohio again, for I have not seen her in quite the while. I suppose the craziness was just that someone terribly important to me my freshman year-- someone who calmed many of my spring time worries and who inducted me into Thespian Troupe 1422-- talked to me that very same day. I didn't ask her what she thought of me then, as it would be different than me seeing it-- and I didn't think of it at the time-- but all the same, the world begins again.

Today I had a tutor for the first time ever. I've been the tutor many times, but today the roles were reversed. I am not doing so well in Historical Social Dance. It was helpful, but I still wish I could learn the entire actual dance. Perhaps I could even do one of these Galliard dance offs, but probably not :) I just need more time to let my muscles learn the movements. Oh well, at least I am establishing a large base-- despite the limited retention.

Note: I am probably going to try to pass/fail the class. It's not for my major/minor or gen. ed. requirements, so why not? It's a class for me and I don't like grades. Sometimes I wish I had gone to a college without grades altogether. They have a habit of getting me down. They distract me from learning.

Note 2: So I've been working on this entry on and off for awhile now so it will be much different than I planned when I began, but update on Historical Social Dance... I did my galliard with Renee today and it wasn't the best (by far), but we practiced for about 20 minutes straight before hand and I never got totally lost. Yay!! I might feel differently about the dance when I see the videotape on Wednesday, but right now I feel a.okay about it.

I had originally planned on writing quite a bit about 2 weekends ago (Saturday, 9/27 specifically), but now that so much time has past, the details are less vivid... the important parts of the weekend are as follows:
Friday: Having a good race on a possibly long course. The time was faster than my others, which is nice, but still not as fast as I think it really was. I stayed mentally tough for at least 4/5 of the race and finished 6th on the team (First time top 7 at Hope College ever!). The temperature was up, but there were beautiful trees to run through and-- St. Mary's is a wonderful place to run.
Saturday: woke up super early to get to Chicago to run with Anna Jo. Showered and then drove to Montrose Beach to see Megan Byrne (freshman at Aquinas, ran together in HS) and Jackie Ellis (runs for EMU now, transferred from Hope) race. It was wonderful to see them, as I haven't seen either of these terribly important people since summer. I could go on and on about their amazingness, but you probably don't want to hear allllll about my junior/senior years with Megan and what a lifeline Jackie was for me. (Note: My first roadtrip in college was to Chicago with Jackie--and a bunch of Casey's friends, who neither of us knew at the time-- in the fall of my freshman year!).

After the race Anna Jo and I did some prepping for her tri-Birthday party that evening. Then we took the "el" for dinner at the hotel where my family was staying. On the way I sat down in one of the few open seats in the car (of the train). I sat for a few moments, singing in my brain and then said hello to guy I was sitting by. Long story short- turns out he's from Midland, MI- raced at the meet I'd been at that very morning and trained with Nate, one of the boys I run with, during high school. Sings: It's a Small World After all...

Following conversation about training with Zach, was a laughter-filled fancy-pantsy dinner with my parents, Grandparents, Uncle Gordon, Betty, my sister and my sister's boyfriend, Jeff. I love my family and am consistently reminded of how important they are to me each time I see them. It's easy to let them fade into the background, as they're "always there," but my family has provided me with so much love and support in these past 20 years... I am truly blessed.

After dinner (and after the post-dinner, delicious fudge Anna Jo made, and after my mom and dad surprised Anna Jo and I with goose gourds. There's a picture of one to the right, but it's not actually mine. It's just one I found on google images. My goose gourd is on the porch, but my camera is broken. Mine is cuter than this ;) Jeff, Anna Jo and I took a taxi back to Anna Jo's and nearly everyone from my sister's program (plus their friends and significant others) came over for a wonderful evening. There was dancing and talking and delicious food. Let's be honest, my sister is the best hostess I know :) Plus art therapy grad students are in general a pretty exciting bunch :) The trip was more than worth the driving.

I might actually be traveling to Chicago again this weekend (to see the marathon and possibly a show), but I'm not positive. I haven't filled my sister (or anyone else really) in on this other crazy plan I have, but I sort of want to take a longer road trip to see a friend. I became terribly into this idea the other night when I was on the phone with him and pretended I was down the street, but realistically I don't think the trip will happen. I tried to call him just now to tell him, but he didn't pick up. It's just too expensive and long to do alone. However, if someone happened to want to go with me... (waits... impatiently, ha)

Yeah, yeah. I dream a lot.

I used to dream about people coming to visit me all the time. Well, the people didn't visit all the time, just the dreams did. My parents, my brother and Fred and Karylle have visited me. The other day some people from Edinboro were at Hope for some reason and then told Alexis about lemonjello's... it made me just wish Alexis was here... I'd even treat her (or you, if you came) to lemonjello's!

If you did want to visit, there are plenty of places to sleep around my house... I know we're both busy, but let's chat, we'll find a time to make it work :)
In the mean time, I'm sleeping. Blogs wear me out.

Final Note: The title of "today's" blog is a result of a revelation I had while shopping at Meijer on Sunday. The other realization I had was that- while I'm not sure if "love is blind," I will fully acknowledge that the want for love often causes one to put blinders on.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Stars in pen covering my legs, but still not done with my homework...

You know you go to a small school/You know you've been in a building too long when...

The really nice lady who cleans Dewitt (who you have seen many late nights in the past 2 years) kicks you out, but calls campus safety to take you home because she doesn't think you should be out walking the 3/4 -a-block to your cottage at night.

Although I have to admit, it was pretty cold out, so the car ride was nice.

Back to management homework <3

Read it a thousand times.

I can't explain this, but I feel brand new and as old as the sand at the same time.

It's a combination of sleeping in, waking up to the sun pouring warmth from the window, checking off big things from to-do lists, not eating right, seeing friends all day long, not being confined to a schedule, Tom Petty, being in love with the world, being breakable, confessing truths, running 5-4-3-2-1+2oos, wearing sweatpants, being dropped off, showering, yoga. yoga. yoga, ice cream, friends, friends, Ingrid Michaelson, 'radio lounge', being happy, being, visiting lichty, being 5-years-old, phone calls with Jackie E, drawing stars on my calves, happy phone calls with aaron, texts, crying, and knowing that I am breakable, overwhelmed, cared for and meaningful. I have a purpose. I have a lot of homework. I care about people and I know what it means to love.

I wish the world for you.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Be Not Afeard

When I am asked what my greatest fear is, I state "dying alone,"
but these days I'm not so sure...

Here are some things I am scared of:
Growing Old Alone
Being unloveable

Some things I really don't like to the extent I do crazy things to avoid them:

Being deemed "annoying" or just generally disliked.
Broken Hearts

And some things a lot of people are scared of that I am not:
Spiders (although I'll jump if they or anything else startles me... and I don't like the thought of them crawling on me without my knowledge)
Public Speaking
(although I don't like to hang off the cats...)

What are yours?

Mr. Rogers used to tell me that people can like me just the way I am. What I don't understand is, if they can, why don't they?