One Day at a Time

I'm an emotional eater. I've finally begun to manage the typical day-to-day emotions better, but the bigger emotions result in consuming comfort foods. I also find myself staying up late when I'm emotion-filled. I begin to think I can plan and analyze myself away from hurt, fear, or disappointment. Results vary.

That said, after waking up earlier than planned, I had time for a run. I ran 40 minutes this morning to start off my day. I suppose that also contributes to this overwhelming tiredness I am currently feeling.

Before I go to bed, I want to share with you a quote from a book I read during my senior seminar. I included it in my "Life View" paper 2 years ago. I stumbled upon the paper on my computer as I was looking for pictures of my Grandpa. My favorite picture of my Grandpa and me was the top picture on my cover page.

We were being silly. We did that a lot. I think the picture captures the idea pretty well. Grandpa tended to believe you shouldn't pose for pictures, but a smile or mocking-over-grin happened if you kept the camera around enough.


"From his parents Paul learned the enduring lesson that love can only be applied person-to-person"
(Yancey 75)

Just One Little...

I had a cookie for breakfast. It wasn’t an intentional cookie-breakfast, but I don’t feel guilty about it. It was a delicious cookie, on a plate of other delicious cookies in the kitchen at work. I only took one, enjoyed it with my tea and began working. I kept thinking about those cookies, but ate my yogurt and planned on not eating again until lunch time.

Shortly after checking in with my body and making this decision I wandered into the kitchen to get more tea. What was there waiting, but leftovers from a meeting. On this tray of things that I could’ve passed over, was a ¼ of a large chocolate muffin. Yes, I’d already eaten a cookie, but I love chocolate muffins. So, I took it. With thoughts of it-could’ve-been-worse, I’d like to take this moment to applaud the person who cut all the muffins and bagels and to applaud the people who ate the rest of the chocolate muffin because after one bite, I would’ve eaten a whole one. Actually, if I had bought them at the grocery store I would’ve sat and eaten all 4 chocolate muffins in their little carton in one sitting. As I finished my ¼ I began thinking about picking up a carton of 4 muffins and eating them for the rest of the day. They would, after all, total pretty close to what my daily calorie intake is. That would be okay, right?

I could rationalize the free, hungry-without-breakfast single cookie, but if there was more chocolate readily available, I would have done more than faltered a little. I really want brownies and soft, gooey chocolaty things. Why is moderation so difficult?

SarCare

SARCARE It’s been a good 6 months since I’ve posted. That break was the right decision at the time, but too many of my mental bits are going to people who don’t “get” it, so here I am. I tried to create other blogs with more focused topics, but alas, why? For now, I’m focusing on tracking my SarCare.

SarCare is the name I came up with yesterday for my intentional self-improvement. I’ve finally moved towards a full-on renovation by 3 recent events/factors:

1. My constant desire to run and/or create and not having time to do either
2. A Friday night, a couple of weekends ago when I (while on a date) was so short of sleep I began crying because I just couldn’t listen or do anything until I was laying in bed. I was 3 feet from a bed at the time.
3. Body image. My body doesn’t feel good and I’ve been knowingly not taking care of it for too long. It’s beginning to show physically and I don’t want that to continue.


I have a lot of areas I want to improve in my life, but SarCare involves a few specific ones to start off with:

1. The Sleep Initiative. Sleep 7-8 hours a night. Yes, I’ve survived and even thrived on less, but since I can’t seem to find a middle ground, 7-8 is the new goal during the workweek. 6 will happen, but can’t be the normal as it allows too easily for a 4 hour night.

2. Operation Vegetable. Increase my vegetable intake. I do okay with fruits, but they’re higher in sugar than vegetables and there’s no reason to keep ignoring it… grown-ups need vegetables. For the first two weeks of SarCare Operation Vegetable also includes a 2-week* removal of the following: coffee, chocolate, ice cream & candy. Alcohol will be limited to one day/week. That’s not really a change for the alcohol, but just a reminder 1x/week.

*exception made for dates if the gentleman offers. I’m determined to not be ‘that girl
< 3. The Friends & Family Plan. A continued effort to reach out to friends and family. Exact details of this plan are still in the works. One major adventure will be a Memorial Day weekend trip home to see my Grandparents, Parents & Ohio friends.

4. Long-term Sustainability. Progress on my to-do list to reach the next step professionally. I’ll keep most actionable tasks (except for books I read) quiet as I don’t like to build up anyone else’s expectations for my career. That said the fields include lighting design & arts programming. If you have access to continued opportunities, let me know!

5. Not Just Any Body. I will give myself time to run and lift. I’ve come up with a couple simple exercises I do each night before bed. They’re complete in less than 2 songs, but keep my physical state alive because sitting in an office chair tires you in the lamest of ways. They’ll be the new base.


Today is Day 2 without chocolate, ice cream, candy or coffee. I realize that might not sound like much to most of you, but I normally consume at least one of those every day. Yeah, a little much, but New York seems to have every flavor of chocolate and when you stumble upon lavender dark chocolate, it can be tough to resist. But, resist I will! Wish me luck.

I was supposed to run today, but took an extra shift at work instead. I’m going to be gone for 5 days so I think financially it was a necessary choice. It’ll either be a night run or a really great, much needed workout on Saturday.

Listening to: “Finally Moving” – Pretty Lights

Nom nom nom

Warm granola puts cold granola to shame. What have I been doing all my life that I hadn't learned this yet? So, MotherRunner is one of those friend of friend's blogs I read, you know, because she's awesome. On her blog she has this recipe for slow-roasted granola.

I was missing a few things, but as she notes on her blog, granola's forgiving.

8 cups rolled oats... or 4 cups of some oat/rye/barley mix that you use at oatmeal in the morning
1/2 cup sunflower seeds... or not because you don't have them
1/2 cup sesame seeds... or more because you don't have sunflower sea
1 cup sweetened coconut... or a little more because you can
1 1/2 cups chopped almonds... ish. I just hammered my whole almonds until I worried I might be too loud hammering at 11pm on a Sunday night

2/3 cup vegetable oil... or 1/2c since you don't have as many oats
2/3 cup honey... or a little more because you don't have any maple syrup
1/2 cup maple syrup... well you don't have it so how about some brown sugar
1/4 water or 4 egg whites*... I used a fair amount of egg whites
1 tsp. vanilla... or a little more because you like it
1/2 tsp. salt... or a little more because you poured too fast
1/2 tsp. cinnamon... or pumpkin spice because for some unknown reason you have pumpkin spice and no cinnamon

Bumday

I had a nap dream that I went running, woke up sweaty (it's hot up in these 4 story walk-ups sans a/c) and decided that counted as exercise. Yay!

Child Cases

First 33 minutes of this PBS/NPR bit are about diseases that look like child abuse. This is absolutely fascinating and the possibilities for incorrect judgments are scary.

A 23 year-old

I have a to-do list with high priority stickers half-a-page long. However, my brain can't focus because the priority stickers don't hold a candle to... my heart strings?

I don't know what to do with this feeling. Two nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and felt the need to check my computer. So, at about 4am I read a fb posting of a former neighbor. His sister had written on his wall that she'd miss him and she'd give anything to see him one last time. I immediately googled him because I grew up with this kid and this was completely out of the blue. Well, for the next 12-ish hours nothing came up. However, more people wrote on his wall and I started to feel sick as reality tried to set in. I spent hundreds and hundreds of hours sitting on the curbs of Rock Creek Run with this kid. We jumped on his trampoline and played hide-and-go-seek around the neighborhood. He, like most of the neighbor kids would ride his bike around... although I was a weird-o who rollar-bladed instead. He taught me about boys' ears and was a great guy-friend to an (like most of them) insecure Jr. High girl. We passed a lot of time together in the summer. Now that I think about it, there were about 9 or 10 of us all within a year or two of each other. We were quite the neighborhood group. While it's been years since I talked to the majority of the neighborhood kids, in the doorbell ringing, roof and curb-sitting memories we'll remain kids forever.

When someone who you don't see every day passes away it often makes it feel less real. I recognize that my experience and loss is completely different from his closest friends' and family's. It feels more like a destruction of a childhood memory than anything else. As long as my belief in heaven remains intact I can stick with the "you'll see him on the other side" mentality. Perhaps the root of this uneasy feeling is the removal of the shade of invincibility that I live under. He was 23. Outside of alcohol related accidents, who, from my life, dies at the age of 23? No one. And why do these articles keep saying "man". He was just a guy, down the street, with perfect blue eyes and a great sense of humor, who once shot me in the leg with a paintball gun.

A guy who a lot of people are really going to miss in their lives. If you pray, please pray for healing and healthy coping for those closest to and those not-so-far from him.

bbs

I'm taking a break from this blog. It's mostly to be attributed to the multiple jobs plus design work I'm doing this month. I'm endlessly grateful for the opportunities (and the small, but bigger than last months' paychecks), but they don't leave time for much else.

Sorry to all my long-distance friends I am and will continue to neglect for a little while. You're the best. Thanks for always, and typically patiently, being there.

xo.

Also, Amy is funny.

And this breaks my heart and yet heal again every time a new post is posted.

No, really, "The Life"

I'm starting with the bad things did happen disclaimer. Skip this section if you don't want to hear about the downers

Disclaimer: My day was not perfect. I messed up my 4th toe on my right foot. I, as usual, had serious moments of insecurity at the first job of the day. I'm not missing a little bit of skin on the top of my right hand. I'm accumulating quite the sleep debt. I've been waking up before 8... every day. I woke up at 5am on Sunday. I ran out of time to eat dinner and my ravioli went bad. I swiped my card at the wrong turnstile on my way home. I saw a girl that looked like this kid-who-broke-my-heart's xgf (who he's pretty much still in L.O.V.E. with) and it made my stomach get a sinky feeling in it... etc. etc. etc.


But, today was a great day!
My tomato plants are growing. I arrived to both of my jobs a tiny bit early. The trains were on time. On my way home from ushering I was so sleepy I swiped my card at the wrong turnstile and despite my abrasiveness the guy at the Astor Place uptown 6 train still let me go in without paying the extra 2.25. While I felt incredibly insecure, people were nice today at job one and I did do a couple of things right.

I ate my lunch sitting on a tiny fence in the median of Broadway, in the sun. I didn't spend any money on lunch because I packed from home and it was delicious. The grumpy elevator man had a 1/2 a moment of less grumpiness when I asked him his name. His name is Jose. He was the perfect character. The freight elevator opened and there he was... a little dirty looking, smoking (no, really, a cigarette... inside, in the elevator), in his tank top with a scowl to make you feel like you didn't fit in the freight elevator with all his crankiness. Jose's alright.

None of my work boo-boos were noticeable to the people around me. I got asked out in seriousness. A friend who moved away from NYC is coming to visit and txted me to ask if I wanted to join her and her friends at Blockheads in a couple weeks. AND it's a day I'm not working!

Job one let out early so I walked to job 2. I was going to go to Barnes & Noble to kill time. Instead I stopped in Madison Square Park and laid in the grass and did NOTHING for a good 30 minutes. I didn't even write emails or make lists; I just smiled at the awesomeness of the world. After sitting there a few minutes 2 guys sat nearby and took off their shoes. I realized they were right, you could take off your shoes. I enjoyed the next 45 minutes of semi-low productivity, barefoot. A little boy waddled over to me and laughed every time I smiled. My eyes started to get stingy because of how blessed I felt in that moment. A few moments later I saw that girl mentioned in the negative section.... good to be back on earth... meh.

I walked to work and decided to stop at Barnes & Noble to change my clothes. The line to the bathroom felt too much like Cedar Point and it simply wasn't worth the wait. As I started to leave (after wishing I could buy at least 20 different books) my best friend [schae] called! We caught up just a little as I [originally typed we, but I guess I was the only one walking] got to work. We were short an usher, so on day 1 of training I was a real usher and met some great kids. These kids, of course, reminded me how I want to work with Jr. Highers/high schoolers and that I believe in physical theater and need to do more of it.

On the train home I met a guy named Seth and his dog named Murphey. They were both super nice and reminded me that if you want to change something (ie. people's inability to make conversation on the train when you know they want to... for however brief) you have to do it. Waiting's just not for me. I walked home surrounded by the perfect temperature of night air.

I arrived home to email from m.d., which always puts me in a good mood. Shortly after replying to that one I received an offer for a lighting designer gig.


Not every day's this great, but I have to soak these days up for other less favorable times.
I hope you're enjoying all of the sunshine & silver linings.

Brooklyn Bridge

Brooklyn Bridge is one of my favorite New York's tourist attractions. Why? Because it's a bridge. People walk to "experience it" and they bring business to another area of the city, outside of Times Square. There are quite a few places to go out around the Bridge. I've worked in Dumbo before and enjoy that area of Brooklyn, but the Manhattan bars/restaurants had a stronger google presence the other day so we decided to try out The Seahorse's happy hour. People are often ask me for recommendations and finally, I have one. Unlike some of the other fantastic bars/restaurants in the area, Seahorse's Happy Hour is 4-7, 7 days a week. We arrive at 6:10 because of park-enjoying in Brooklyn, but even after the happy hour there are some $2-5 beers. 2 delicious appetizers, 3 drinks a piece, and a true happy hour soundtrack later, we were as content at could be and on our subway home... for kale chips, pseudo-dancing, and roof-sitting.

So, if you're in the Brooklyn Bridge area, I've heard Jeremy's is good, but I know the Sea Horse is bound to be enjoyable.