Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Goddess's Body

All of this should be read taking into account that I am currently eating obscene amounts of my Grandma's homemade chex mix after having consumed a couple- well, a few hand fulls of chocolate.

In this particular blog I found myself talking about my desire to lower my weight or get back on track with running more often than perhaps I "should". In the spring it was because I literally felt gross. It had little-to-nothing to do with the mirror and much more about how I felt. The fact that my clothes were not fitting was part of it, but the majority of it was just the 'blah' feeling I woke up and went to bed with every day and night. My current desire to rebecome a "real runner" is partly because of that and more so because I miss the mentality of running. I am nostalgic for my teams and I miss having that sort of focus. I have been reading David Allen's "Getting Things Done" and in the first chapter he asks you to think of a time when you've been truly productive. He begins describing the feeling and I immediately think of running. He later equates the feeling or productivity to "the zone," which we runners often talk about. Starting the day with productivity or knowing you have guaranteed productivity at 4:00 is a good feeling. It lets you know that you can and will accomplish things. You just have to start by getting dressed, putting on the proper shoes, and showing up.

Of course, I would be a bit of a liar if I claimed that I did not look in the mirror and occasionally groan. The positive reinforcement I have received from certain males this past semester has, however shallowly, discouraged me from groaning as much, but that glance in the mirror pre-shower is usually not received with a smile. I am thinking of not having mirrors bigger than face size in bathrooms when I am a grown-up. I feel as though having the face size ones might be helpful as I do like to do a quick teeth-check post-meals and pre-meeting up. While mirrors in other rooms may be useful to increase the size that the room appears, they usually result in feeling an increase in your own personal size as well. And one* may say, well what about "Spaceballs", that guy would have never known how big his butt was if his head hadn't been turned around... mirrors can help with that. Yes, yes, but if God had wanted us to know how our butts truly appeared, wouldn't he have put them in front? Or perhaps given us removable eyes?

All that said, my friend and former housemate wrote a facebook note today. In it she discusses her experience in Argentina and the reality of the clothing industry's preference to smaller women. She wrote:

"[...] because Americans are much larger than Argentinian girls I would never be able to fit into the popular clothing. I was large and I became very comfortable with it. I remember being at the public pool wearing my bright red bikini and having everyone stare at me, because I didn't care about my love handles and belly. I strut around like I was gorgeous, because what else are you going to do with all those tiny girls for competition."

I immediately thought back to Bulgaria. I had the exact opposite feeling when I was there. All of those small women made me feel extra large. (Of course, this was when I was at my new largest size so surely that did not help.) And you know, I am back in America now and am not one of the largest people I know. I have been, perhaps, the largest girl on the cross country team, but not with a difference so large that I embarrassed myself. Sure, there are some men who I am much too large for. If they wanted to make me clothing it would take too much fabric [surely this is the reason that don't feel motivated to court me] and thus are not physically attracted. That's okay. Some men are also more attracted to Koreans, but you have to narrow the candidates down somehow. Perhaps, I was just meant to be born in the 1500s [despite the lack of women's rights]. After all, I look much more like a goddess in a painting than a celebrity on the cover of Glamour anyways:

Venus Of Urbino By Titian** [1538]

*one meaning I
**Of course, when Manet used Venus as a model for his Olympia three hundred and twenty five years later [1863] her love handles had a little less to love, but who wants less to love anyways? [that is a rhetorical question]

The Napping House

I live in the Napping House.
While I can sleep well most places when the day is tiring enough, I can typically sleep more here either way. Something about being home causes me to nap more freely and oversleep more often. Today T and I were supposed to run at 9:30- not terribly early. I got up when my alarm went off and even changed my clothes, but woke up at 9:37 to her text realizing that I had done this all in my sleep and was late. I ended up not going running. Despite the rest, my body wasn't up to it. I am beginning to worry that if I keep babying my hips I will never be a "real runner" again, but there's still hope. It just, like so many other things, takes time... and care... Apparently, it also takes lots of naps.

I am back in this house. I am back in the napping house. It is a place where I close my eyes for longer than my average duration, but it is also a place in which I hope to rejuvenate so I can accomplish great things when I leave again.
I don't know if it works that way and my inspiration has not been as high as I would've hoped. I suppose the most likely reason for this is that I am consistently wrong in my guesses as to the reasons why I am placed in places.

With that said, I am off to work on the plays. Jeri and I have a meeting tomorrow and right now my brain is not ready for it. The wonderful time I've spent with family and the card group [not-related family] has filled up majority of my not-sleeping time since being home. It's been lovely, but sometimes spending a certain amount of time at the Napping House or with people from the Napping House makes it difficult to return to the "to-do" world. Let's hope Allen's "Getting Things Done" will help this phenomenon.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

One by one they came, and one by one they...

I am finishing up my last project for MD, which I have been putting off all week. I don't like endings and people are leaving '305'. One suitcase is packed. I have presents to buy today and other "to-do's" today. There is excitement planned for nearly every day up to New Year's. Yet, I still am not ready to go.

On a happier note. I am giving Cole, my designer's brand-new son The Lorax, Goodnight Moon, and The Monster at the End of this Book for his first birthday [the day he turned a minute old]. Since the second two books are board books I only wrote in the first. In the following The Lorax and while it's true for Cole, it is also true for you... and so, I will share it:

Cole- Welcome to the World!

Life can be limited without an imagination.
Please make sure to dream; you'll be a sensation!
As you grow, listen and listen close:
You will find the things and people who matter most!
People will take care of you.
Make sure to take care of them too!
And remember: the Seussical, musical, mythical, and beautiful make things magical.
And so, Can YOU!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sea is for Cow and Mantees are for me

In the Second Grade my class collected money and adopted 2 manatees. Ever since I have had a soft spot for these fascinating animals.

Paper snowflakes to come...

I received my second Christmas card of the season. I'm usually anti-e-cards, but I'll let Delta get away with it. For some strange reason I found it really cute. There is seriously something wrong with me, haha.

Okay, enough email. Back to work.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

It Will Happen Either Way

I have one week left in the City and have hit a plateau. I am terribly unmotivated to do many things and find time just silently passing me by. I am not sure if this is due to the ending [endings always shake me for a bit], the lack of running, the large amount of darkness, or one of the million other possibilities, but it is frustrating. I spend a lot of time thinking about projects for next semester and all that I am not accomplishing in the present, but instead of putting on my running shoes I settle for staring out the window.

Don't misunderstand me. I have still been enjoying moments of life. I went to a show Julie helped costume on Friday and enjoyed it. Tealla and I walked around the City yesterday morning and went shopping. Tonight I am attending my friend, Isaac's Christmas party and tomorrow we are having an "Interns Holiday Party" here. On Tuesday I might be leaving the City for a night and on Wednesday I am seeing Lion King with Julie. I am still ridiculously blessed, but instead of taking advantage of other excitement or engaging in conversations, I take naps. I suppose that is okay, but I know I will miss the City as soon as I leave it and thus I worry I aught to be taking advantage of it now. I guess, instead, I am choosing to 'fade away' rather than 'burn out'.

Of course, as soon as I reread this I remembered that lady on the plane back from London. We CAN have adventures anywhere. Your location only determines your physical proximity to others. Luckily I have a far reaching inner self.

Friday, December 11, 2009

[Like the Color] La

My friend, and one of my (if my very) favorite training partner(s), Tealla is in The City this weekend. I am so excited to hang out with her that this deserves a post all of its own. Her schedule is pretty busy, but we are getting together tomorrow morning before my meeting with the LD for next semester. While the East Village is usually one of my favorite places to go with people [coffee and general good vibes], I'm think Bryant Park would be festive and perhaps we'll go ice skating!

Emotional Investments

At one point I thought Love was a great thing to invest in because the ROIs were so great, but lately I have been wondering about the risks.
What are the possible repercussions of taking or not taking the risk? Are they worth it?

I was talking with a close friend today about the idea of spending quality time with someone who you knew there would probably be no future with. Do we do it because we are actually emotionally capable of not over-investing or because we are hopeless romantics that are just waiting for the right time? Or, is it- perhaps- because we (particularly immediately) after being hurt want a connection, but are only inclined to reach for a connection if it will not hurt when it goes away? We have adapted the cynical point of view that long term happiness is impossible and thus we should only invest in the now what are willing to pay for in the future.

Of course, the hopeless romantic in me says the reality of now is different from the reality of the future. And Love is just another High Risk, which you take the chance of hurt for when you want a chance at the best ROI of your life. After all, emotions are fairly infinite, so why not?


Monday, December 7, 2009

Feel the day Chardonnay

This morning feels like years ago.
London feels like another person's experience
and Holland feels like a story I read once.

It's as if there is only now and everything else is due to an overactive imagination, which we all know I have.
And perhaps most of the people are so wonderful because imaginary means more than I thought it did.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


I may not move back to New York in May.

I might, but if not, that does not mean I failed or that I didn't follow my heart.
It means that I remembered that all that matters is that I am Alive, Aware and Acting [the action kind, not the on-stage kind]. If I end up not in the theatre at all, that's okay too. At this point I'd like to continue in the theatre. I love it. But, there is no career or city that I "know" I will be happy in. Thus, I will continue to knock on doors and throw stones at windows and when one is opened for me I'll go through it, and if it leads me to Nevada-- well, I might turn around, haha. But honestly, who knows :) Plus, I'm here to experience things and share Love. There is no where in the world where NOTHING happens. Sometimes it may feel that way, but that is only because
A. Your eyes aren't open
B. You're standing still.

I just wanted to clear that up.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thankful for Sweet Potatoes

This morning, while working at DS, D read this poem/prayer to me. She received in via email from a good friend. It's a great poem and very accurately describes so much of what I am blessed with and thankful for. In the email it also noted that Mr. Coots died earlier this year at the of 81. Well, his wonderful words keep moving.


Let us give thanks for a bounty of people
For children who are our second planting
and though they grow like weeds
and the wind too soon blows them away,
May they forgive us our cultivation
and remember fondly where their roots are.

Let us give thanks:
For generous friends, with hearts as big as hubbards
and smiles as bright as their blossoms;
For feisty friends as tart as apples;
For continuous friends, who, like scallions and cucumbers,
keep reminding us we've had them;
For crotchety friends, as sour as rhubarb
and as indestructible;
For handsome friends, who are as gorgeous as eggplants
and as elegant as a row of corn,
and the others, as plain as potatoes and so good for you;
For funny friends, who are as silly as Brussels sprouts
and as amusing as Jerusalem artichokes,
and serious friends, as complex as cauliflowers
and as intricate as onions;
For friends as unpretentious as cabbages,
as subtle as summer squash,
as persistent as parsley,
as delightful as dill,
as endless as zucchini,
and who, like parsnips,
can be counted on to see you throughout the winter;
For old friends,
nodding like sunflowers in the evening-time
and young friends coming on as fast as radishes;
For loving friends, who wind around us like tendrils
and hold us, despite our blights, wilts, and witherings;
And finally, for those friends now gone,
like gardens past that have been harvested,
but who fed us in their times
that we might have life thereafter;
For all these we give thanks.

-- Max Coots

Even though I do not have time enough in the world to type out every single thing I am thankful for, there a few things I feel like adding right now...
I am thankful that my wonderful, wonderful family is coming to visit me here in NYC and that my extended family sends love from every where else. I have the best parents and siblings- people who are consistently there to talk, to listen, and to love... and a bunch of pseudo families who do the same thing, just from different houses. I am blessed that my internships here in NYC have been with Good people who care about where I am going and what I am doing. They listen, encourage, and allow me to fail- consistently forgiving, offering a hand up, and believing that I will accomplish great things. I am fortunate for friends that fit every description in the poem... they all are the reasons for my sanity. I thankful that next-to-no-one has told me I couldn't do something... well, except maybe the police... and John in the 2nd grade, but they don't count. I guess, I meant sometimes as in have a career in theatre. I have a very strong support net. I am grateful that God has revealed Himself[Herself...I don't know and I don't care] to me in the form of deep breaths, long hugs, and supportive communities- including some organized churches [gasp].
I have had opportunities this year that most people will only ever dream of. Some how the stars alligned, I went massively in debt, and enough people believed in me that I am consistently going to new places with new opportunities to learn and to grow. And I have been blessed with a mind, body, and spirit that allow me to explore and Be.

So Thank you. And let us be thankful, for we have great opportunities to do beautiful things... and provide support for others to live, express and Love.

Often I think less about pilgrims during this holiday and more about people and blessings.

May the Peace of the Lord be with you Always.


When I was in London and visiting other countries with commonly-used public transportation I prided myself in listening to the 'sounds of the city' and staying awake to the people around me- rather than tune them out with music as it is common to do. However, here in NYC I do a lot of walking to the same places of work and the Subway trains often make loud squeaky noises which make my head hurt... thus, I usually listen to my music in at least one direction [although I try to stay at least sort of alert].

One of my favorite songs to listen to on the Subway is Aretha Franklin's "Respect". The only problem is that I have difficulty not dancing [and sometimes running into the people next to me mid-move] while singing it silently under my breath. One of these days I'm just going to stop holding it in and full out dance on the train... maybe.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Friends and Benefits

This weekend- particularly Saturday night and Sunday- finally put a change on my negative energy of last week. I spent most of the week either in an office, staring at database information, or getting rid of headaches. I needed the weekend. Inevitably I ended up working Saturday and had to pick up food before then [so I set the alarm... again], but Saturday night was enjoyable. I arrived home from work and was tired after walking the three miles home (through Holiday tourists who are beginning to increase). I layed in Julie's room and whined for a bit and suggested some things to do which I had found online. Neither of us had the energy to rush right out and do anything [she was hungry. I was tired] so we continued to lay there. We called our friend, Ed to ask if it was tomorrow [Sunday] when we were supposed to cook together- it was. When Ed got home from work he hung out with us while he updated the script for work. I ran out and got ___, cheese and bread and Julie made Mac-N-Cheese for dinner. We had dinner and then spent quality time watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. The movie was adorable and just what I needed to get my mind off concrete things- like work and money. We then watched Transformers 2- which I had not seen- and that wasn't quite as relaxing, but fun to watch. By the time we went to bed it was quite late and I passed out very easily.

I wasn't going to set an alarm, but just before I went to sleep Isaac replied to an earlier text saying that he was going to church in the AM. I was planning on going, but once it approached 2A I had changed my mine, but if Isaac could do it- I could do it. And I did not regret my decision at all. Isaac and I grabbed some coffee and then headed off to one of the- if not thee- best church services I'd ever been to. Straight from the start there was music that MOVED me. The first song was done by the choir and in a bit of a response manner and eventually the congregation joined in. It moved from loud to soft and the central lyrics were:
"I hear music in the air
There must be a God somewhere"
...How very, very true.
There were two choirs and there were some of my favorite hymns sang in completely new ways. The Prayers of the Church were accompanied by a wooden flute. The sermon and benediction were so reassuring and truthful. I think the pastor said it best when she said, "Woo, Are we doing Church in here today!" Yes, yes we were. I was exhausted, moved and inspired. Sometimes you leave that place and all you want to do is tell every person on the street just how LOVED they are. After all, THAT, my friends, is what God is. God is a truer, more faithful LOVE than you can ever imagine. I don't think it matters what you believe, He Loves you and He wants you to have peace in your heart. However that is revealed to you is fine... just listen.

So after the service Isaac and I walked around a bit. We ventured to Union Square where there was beautiful art galore. It was a good thing I didn't have more cash with me or I would've walked home with lots of things I didn't know what to do with, haha. We then went into one of the most beautiful, but expensive home decorating stores I've ever been to. I left inspired to create and am looking forward to being home for Christmas... home with all my craft supplies! We then went to a flea marked on 23rd where I almost bought some masks and an incredibly large stein, but decided against it. It was probably for the best, but still unsure if I should have bought the masks. Afterwards I went home to clean my mess of a room [it showed the signs of the week before] and hang out with Julie. I meant to go hashing or to this event at the Armory, but instead I stayed home. I've been very tired lately and feel like I am always trying to sleep more. I wonder how much of this has to do with my not running.

Either way, I am thinking I might try and see a show tomorrow night. If I just stay in the midtown area after working at DS then perhaps I will actually go to something. It's been a little while since I've seen something. This might be because I'm a little discouraged by the theatre I've seen lately... it's been more theater [which is to me, the more manufactured spelling] than theatre. I, by no means, believe that theatre is dead [as I've heard some claim], but I am worried that the finances of New York have cut the legs out from underneath the Creation part... This is NOT to say there is no good theatre in NY-- there surely is. However, I am just finding more Off-Broadway than on. But, surely not everyone else agrees or else there would be no Broadway... or there would be, but it would change.

Note: Recently on-Broadway I have seen White Christmas and Ragtime. White Christmas had some spectacular dancing- which I definitely enjoyed, but the show itself is simply Christmas-y and has nice underlying themes, but is just that- nice. And nice is okay, but sometimes you want more and I am only discouraged by the lack of more that exists on Broadway. Ragtime had some nice voices and I understand the great morals of the show, but same thing- nice. Of course, I had more fun watching White Christmas, but that's just me. Some people LOVE Ragtime and that's okay. As Dale says: "That's why there are horse races"

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Thrilled to Sleep

I would like more rest time. I got a decent night's sleep last night, but would really prefer not to rush off to pick up food and then go to work. For reasons that don't really make enough sense I have been incredibly stressed this week. [Thank goodness I've had Julie & Luke to destress me, haha] I felt miserable on Monday and took the afternoon off to sleep. I haven't gone to any shows or events this entire week, yet I still feel in need of rest. Of course, this probably has to do with working all day the other four days and then working from home during the evenings. To be honest, I'm a little worried about theatre as a life pursuit. What if burning the candle at both ends actually causes problems other than slight crankiness, headaches, and colds?! gasp

In good news, I FINALLY received the second play that Jeri and I are going to do next semester. I like it. I have been spending a lot of my "free time" thinking about our project. I am incredibly excited to have a project of our own. As much as I have enjoyed this semester... it's all for someone else's vision and that means that you aren't going off of the adrenaline as often as you might if it were you own.

Okay, off to pick up food for Thanksgiving! And then to work! Woo!

Thursday, November 19, 2009


I am incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends. Julie, Luke, Melissa, Jessica, Schae-Schae, Jackie, Amy... the list goes on and on. It's difficult to have bad days when they're always around to listen and allow me to be however I need to be.

In other news, I've been sort of tired lately. I went on a great hike on Sunday, but since then I've mostly just been working and hanging around '305'

In more exciting news... THIS is a great idea.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Being Cranky

Things I won't miss about New York City:
The sirens
The horns
Both of these when I have a headache

Oh! And not being able to see meteor showers.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


The finest written obituary of the year:

Janet Kane, I did not know you, but oh, I wish I had. You must have truly lived.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

If I had a boyfriend...

If I had a boyfriend, I would send him this:

And do this:

But I don't, so instead I will recommend you do this:

Common Voice

Ed, a friend of mine here in NYC, recently posted this on his facebook. It's wonderful.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


While skimming my last few entries I realize I have only written about things that would exist no matter where I lived. Strange. A speedy update on a lot of stuff you've missed:

I am currently balancing three amazing internships. The designer I originally came to New York to work with is out of town/country for the next couple of weeks. As a result he found a theatre/dance group I could do some dramaturgy work with [since that is something else that has interested me]. Around the same time I received a message from a friend from college asking me what my schedule was like. A family friend of hers runs a talent management agency and they were looking for some office help. Since she knew I was, at one time, looking into administration she suggested calling them. Well, everything worked out and now I technically have 3 internships. My original internship is majorly toned down, but will pick back up in a week and a half. Luckily I have had very little negative stress as all of the people I work with are incredibly understanding and encouraging. While my hips are getting frustrated at the 3-4 miles-a-day I walk in bad shoes every day [in addition to the subway rides], the rest of me loves going to my internships. Overall, life is definitely good.

This week I will see a total of 3 shows [the most different shows I've seen in a single week since I've been here]. Tonight I am going to see "Rabbit Hole," which my amazing friend Julie helped costume. Thursday night I saw "What We Once Where" with one of the managers at DS. It was a lovely set, but the play did leave something to be desired. On Wednesday I took a 5:00 train to New Haven and saw "Eclipsed," the play I had gone to Yale to work on a couple weeks ago. I wanted to see the 'end result' and the ME of the show nicely let me stay at his apartment over night so I could see the show. It was a bit of a crazy trip: see a show, stay up late, wake up WAY too early to take a 7:00 train back for a 10:00 day. However, it was a good adventure and worth the train ticket.

My family is officially coming up to New York for Thanksgiving. They're renting a place in Brooklyn and we are going to cook Thanksgiving dinner together. There are so many things to do in New York and it will be difficult to fit in the few things we are narrowing our days down to. Of course, there is the chance I will return here and we can do more next time :) It's an interesting feeling. I am looking forward to spending time with them, but am just hoping the pace of life won't change too drastically due to pressure of doing or seeing things. As exciting as New York is I hope it doesn't overshadow family time :)

I haven't ran since Sunday when I did a decent run pre-Marathon. I don't feel as guilty about it as perhaps I should. I have already walked over 25 miles this week. If people at work didn't mind me being smelly I would've ran that plus some, haha. In all seriousness, I am hoping to run track at Hope at the spring. I would like to [FINALLY] break 20 in the 5k and I would like to be strong enough to run a decent Steeple. The more I think about it the more I realize I want to and I need to run. If it runs into theater, then it runs into theater. I have given the past year and I will give many more years to theatre, I can spend one more semester dedicating a good portion of myself to running. As it is I will miss most of Tuesday and Thursday practices for the first half of the semester due to Principles of Design [darn 200 level theater classes, hahaha].
I miss my runners. I miss the Amherst girls and I miss my Hope runners. I wish I could have been with the Amherst girls as their season progressed. They did not make it out of regionals, but as a team I believe they stayed strong and there were many individual feats they accomplished. I am proud of them and my time with them has made me want to coach even more. I have a lot more to learn before I could put myself on the same level as any of the people I've run for, but those girls are amazing runners and amazing people; I have high hopes for them.
I miss the atmosphere and excitement of my Hope runners. I know, due to graduation and other things, the atmosphere will be incredibly different from the last time I was part of the team, but I miss my team. Contrary to what seemed to be happening my first semester at Hope, half of my closest friends have come from the team. Most of them won't be running in the spring, but that's not necessarily while I am running. They are a lot of the reason I am glad I have ran in the past.
Confession: I think part of the reason I am not minding getting pudgy is because A. I am not getting as pudgy as I was in London and B. Guys still make positive comments to me when I walk down the street. I realize this will change soon enough, but in the mean time, it may be shallow, but it makes me smile... especially when they say reallllly ridiculous things, hahaha. [I love this city] Upon reading this, you must also realize that I am not an attractive person compared to a large portion of this city. This is essentially the first time in my life that I have ever been asked for my number or even been hit on. It is truly flattering when it happens and so I am appreciating it whenever it does.

In attempt to satisfy my need for a team, I have continued hashing [to some extent]. While they're a "drinking club with a running problem," as long as they can empathize with my running, I love them. I watched the marathon with them last Sunday and it was a wonderful time. Every time I go, even if I don't know 90% of the people, everyone is friendly and it's always an enjoyable time. Thank you to Mrs. Dodge for suggesting I try it out [hashnyc.com]. They are some of the best- and most accepting- people in this city.

And an update on my possible career path: I am getting more attached to the idea of designing.
My friend Jeri, from Hope (who is currently doing the same program in London that I did last spring) and I are working on putting together a show to put up at Hope in the spring. She would direct and possibly sound design. I would do lighting and possibly some dramaturgy. I am ridiculously excited for this as we both have the same sense of dedication and I know Jeri is a reliable person. Plus we are both quickly approaching graduation so are both approaching this project from the same direction.

Let's be honest. I have high hopes for the rest of this semester, for next semester, and for the rest of my life. If I can stay surrounded by such great people, I will continued to be truly blessed.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Over the hill, but not going down it :)

On Nov. 10, 1969 Sesame Street had its first episode. It will be 40 years old this Monday, but Today gives an early sneak peak into the up-coming episode: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33654345/ns/today-today_entertainment/?GT1=43001/from/ET

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Greatest Good for Somebody

The other night I was having a discussion with someone who I used to spend every free moment talking to. In the last two years our attempts at friendship have been shaky and our correspondence has consistently varied, going from daily to monthly depending on the season. Last night we were discussing some research I am in the process of doing and I said how I enjoyed learning about anything new as long as it was presented in an interesting way [The research I am currently pursuing is on the 1913 Armory Show]. The person I was talking to challenged me asking me if I would be interested (believing I wouldn't be) in researching JS Mill, the inventor of utilitarianism [although some would claim he didn't invent it: http://www.humanities.mq.edu.au/Ockham/y6404.html]. While my knowledge of this system of ethics is incredibly small, I find it an incredibly intriguing theory and this is something that is very up my alley. After all, the search for fulfillment and happiness for humanity in general is something I struggle with often. Utilitarianism is a "doctrine that the useful is the good; especially as elaborated by Jeremy Bentham and James Mill; the aim was said to be the greatest happiness for the greatest number"
You can, of course, easily go ten thousand times more in-depth by google research alone, but for people not caring, that's the basis of it.
The point of this babbling is not to teach you about Utilitarianism, although you should probably know a little something about it, but that it is shocking when someone who used to know you so well, seems to hardly know you at all. This, inevitably causes you to wonder if anyone knows you at all. Since things are constantly happening and we have enough trouble keeping up with ourselves, it is impossible to completely know someone else, but often that is the intrigue: learning about someone and being challenged and encouraged by their experiences and accumulation of beliefs. It was disappointing to know that someone who used to be towards the top of my "knows me best" list does not know me best at all, but perhaps the reality shock wasn't a bad thing. During our last couple of phone calls I have also realized he isn't as intellectually stimulating as I once thought he was, but that is what happens as priorities change and we all grow. I think there is a chance for our friendship, but we will never be on that same level again. Of course, I have great family members and friends who invest their time in me and I invest my time in them so one can expect that everyone's knowledge of me combined would be almost everything, but--

MD calls the time before he met his wife is "BC"... before [her name... which begins with a C]. Everything BC is different. I love this idea and I hope when I find someone whom I can share great love with, I will be able to clearly see the B[his name]. And I hope I never have to separate my time into a 3rd section. Losing someone who seems to know you so well is, for lack of a better word... scary.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Even While Sleeping

Last night I had a dream I was in a library, which is not strange because I was in the coolest library ever yesterday. However, in my dream I met two new friends because we both shared a love for SARK. They had never read the books, but they loved doing the projects. I don't think these projects exist, but they sounded fascinating.

I am feeling the need to create something.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Dark yet...

Waking up when it is still dark out always confuses my brain. It reminds me of high school or Jr. High... or sometime in life before college. This morning I woke up at 6:50 a.m. and wondered why I had to go to Leo Club so early... before realizing I wasn't waking up for Leo Club at all... and I hadn't in three and a half years.

Life has been strange lately and I am not so sure what I want.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A List like Santa

Why would Heaven have Gates? If God is who He has revealed himself to be... It doesn't.
Thank Goodness
[Ignore the obnoxious introduction/exit-duction]

Saturday, October 17, 2009

SWC Letter

I forgot to send my letter to Mr. Kemp before late last night so in case he does not see the email and/or one of the runners sees this before going to Conference in the morning... please print this and read it to the girls.

Please and Thank you.


It’s that time of year again… the leaves are changing, there’s a crispness in the air and your times are getting fast. I loved getting to know you all this summer. You are dedicated to this sport. You are dedicated to your girls.

It’s Saturday morning. Saturdays have been my favorite day since the Madison Invitational in 2002 (a long, long time ago). It is the one day that you have the opportunity to prove that you are brave-- To prove that you are strong enough to win every “Moment of Truth”. It is time to put those spikes to use, stay strong up the up-hills, let go and pass em on the downhills, and show the Conference what the Amherst Girls are really about. We are a tradition and I have faith in your abilities.

Every Saturday night/Sunday I wait impatiently to get that email from Mr. Kemp. I pull up the week before’s results and compare. Who made the move? Who got brave and went out, steayed out, and finished strong? You. I believe every one of you will be “that girl" this week. You have the ability;. You just have to want it.

My thoughts will be with you all tomorrow morning. I will probably put on my XC t-shirt and go for a run right around the same time as you… wishing I was with you to hear racing hearts and that starter's gun. It’s your time. You deserve this… never believe anything less.

All my love,

Sara G.

"You-ology, Me-ology... Oh, an incurable humanist you are"

For a series of reasons I have been thinking about crying a lot lately. I haven't been crying, but there have been times when I needed to. I figured out my personal views on it: While jerk-faced people aren't worth my tears, I am. I think that's the line that gets a blurry. When are you crying for some guy and when are you crying for your heart and for the realization that your dream world doesn't really exist. When are you crying about X and when are you crying about your inability to change anything that has already happened. When are you crying about Y and when are you crying about how lost you are.

There are no need for question marks.
My hike was canceled. It was a 14-peak hike in the Hudson River Valley. They canceled it because of bad weather. It was probably for the best. I took a nap this evening that I would have avoided so I could wake up tomorrow morning otherwise.

Today was an interesting day in the less fun kind of away. I am constantly reminded how great my friends are and how much I really need them.

Tonight Julie and I made spaghetti. I love sharing food with people.
Luke played us some amazingly beautiful music. Despite being slightly out-of-tune Luke convinced the piano to fill the room with sounds of love and belief in such. I am consistently amazed by the gifts which people have.

I am planning to go running tomorrow [since my hike is no more... pouts] and send good vibes to the Amherst girls who are racing at Conference tomorrow and to the Hope runners who are in Wisconsin this weekend.

I want to go camping.

[And then Chaos ensued. Oh, living in a house can be so interesting...]

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Late Night Update

To put it shortly:
I am talking with and meeting great, passionate people. They inspire me to do something.
Brighton Beach Memoirs caused much (needed) laughter last night.
My boss is forgiving and therefore helps me get through stress.
I am excited for all the open doors.Sp
I love new friends.
Hashing is amazing... as are the people... probably the first the result of the second.
Zombieland was actually QUITE funny. I laughed a lot.
Laughter is the best.
New friends are wonderful.
Cuddling and quality friendship is (so often) the reason for happiness.

Life is Amazing. I worry no year can ever top 2009.

Monday, October 5, 2009


I am designing a show. There is a rep plot, but it's still up to me what comes up and when it happens. There are channels preprogrammed into submasters, but cues can't be programmed so everything is brought up and cross-faded as X and Y. All the same, I am, for all intents and purposes, the designer. I am also the LBO and therefore am having difficulty designing as the only time I am in the theater is during tech when I am in the booth... which is positioned to the side leaving me unable to see the whole stage. It's an interesting experience.

Day 3 is tomorrow. I'm on a mission to get some barn doors as I am only allowed to change focus, color, position, and shutter cuts on 3 or 4 of the fixtures.

I am nervous and excited and... sigh... more on this later.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Porcupines and Purpose

My good friend, Lydia is living and serving in Tanzania. As I was reading her blog today, I was stopped by some statistics she posted:

* 4%: percentage of Tanzanians with running water at home
* 54%: percentage of rural Tanzanians with access to safe water
* 116: under-five mortality rate in Tanzania, per 1,000 births
* 88%: percentage of Tanzanians earning less than US$ 1.25 per day
* 26,828: size in square miles, of Lake Victoria

*citation: “Along walk for water.” The Rotarian. September 2009: 12.

That means that 10% of babies born don't live to be five. 44% of people who live outside of a city don't have access to safe water?

Now, I am aware that perhaps my gifts aren't in the designing of systems that move fresh water. I acknowledge that posting some stats in my blog won't change much of anything. However, it is this reality that makes me wonder how and where I would best serve. As of now I don't feel called to any particular location, but I do need to feel like I am helping someone or something be better. It is a self-serving kind of goodness, but it is a reality of mine. Perhaps I will not save a thousand lives by preventing the further spread of malaria, but maybe I could encourage a few students to believe in themselves enough that Jr. High isn't an unbearable memory or perhaps I could contribute to a piece that helps people realize that we are all a part of something great and that they are not alone. We need them...

I am not sure.

I do, however, know that I need to try and figure out what I am going to do for this show that I am "designing". I use quotations because it is a rep plot, but either way I need to at least decide levels and what we're going to do about this gel-situation....

All the best <3

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Cocoa Pebbles

When I get stressed I eat a lot of cereal. Sunday night I went shopping and bought 2 boxes of Cocoa Pebbles (unhealthy, I know, but $3 cheaper than most of the other cereals). I am almost finished with both boxes.

This "stress" I am feeling is unlike normal college stress because it's not directly related to things like papers that needs to be turned in or large exams, but rather the fear that I don't know what I need to do and/or I am not doing things correctly. When I get assigned large projects I just want to sit down and work on them non-stop until they get done (perhaps with a couple cereal breaks), but unfortunately the world does not allow this method of working. So I have a small bunch or projects, but keep not getting things done at the rate I would like to. I get stressed when the world makes it impossible for me to "get my way". So that is the cause for first box of cereal.

Box two is quickly being devoured because I am beginning to think that I do not want to be a lighting designer for my "Real Job". I have been thinking about it for awhile, but I have been afraid to pronounce it... in case I change my mind. However, I- in time- have learned that it is okay to change your mind. So, if I change my mind back, you'll just have to forgive me. It's not that I don't enjoy lighting... I do. It's fascinating and beautiful and... so much more, but as I watch LD:MD jump from project to project I realize that there is not time in the day for him to dedicate as much of himself to each project as he would like. Now, I realize that he does a great job of balancing projects and is still able to create beautiful, supportive-to-the-story-telling work, but I don't know if I want that to be the kind of stress I am dealing with everyday. Sure, there is some fear-of-failure associated with this for me, but overall, there's a realization that there are other things I can dedicate my talents to: stage management, production, general electrician, ect. I will probably still try to do some design when I return to Hope, but I realize that as far as grown-up, post-college, career decisions... I might just design on the side. I don't know if a marriage would work out. I'm not against a relationship on the side though if lighting and I can work something out.

After all, it's like Tom Petty sings, "It'll all work out eventually..."

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Cardboard Cells

Today I met a woman who said she hadn't been happy since the day she was born. I didn't get her name, but I do know that she has trouble finding shoes because her feet are messed up. She gets paid on the first of the month and offered to go shoe shopping with me. She told me her tongue, head, ears... body hurt "because of those stupid ***** cops and..." (she went on). I told her I hope she could get some rest and I wished things would get better for her... and I did, but I hope she didn't mean it when she said she "hasn't been happy since the day (she) was born". It breaks my heart to think about.

On that note, I have been doing a decent job of trying my best to see reality as it is and staying positive. I find the second part is one of the best ways to keep one's self "happy". For the most part I am successful. This weekend there were moments when I would forget to be rational and I would crave for realities that did not exist, but different moments followed those ones and here I am, listening to Bright Eyes again, being reminded that everything "must belong somewhere".

This idea, of belonging somewhere, is what keeps the possibility of being happy open for me.... well, as long as the "somewhere" is pleasant.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Won't You Be My Neighbor

The idea that people are not friendly in New York is lunacy. I understand that people are often in a rush or preoccupied in whatever they are doing, but when it comes down to it: people are kind to each other. There are constantly women and men helping people with strollers up/down the stairs. Camille's UPS guy was the friendliest ever. People treat each other to coffee and offer suggestions. I rarely hear of anyone's need for directions going unanswered.

While we all have room for growth and a denser population allows for an increase of opportunity to run into one of the "crazies" I think most people who speak of unfriendly New Yorkers could not have spent more than a week here (in the wrong area).

Sunday, September 27, 2009


I think the always-favorite one month grace period is coming to a close rather quickly... I was hoping it would last through part of October, but small things are shortening it.

In better news, I went running today and I saw Hamlet this evening.

Fall Cleaning

I just cleared out 60 people from my phone's phonebook and it feels oddly good. It was like cleaning out closets, except different.

I do, however, need to get my room in a working order. I keep cleaning it, but it doesn't stay clean. It's a work in process.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Not new, just recently reminded

I love couples in love.

The real kind of love inspires those who are near it.
"Whatever, I'll sleep on it and come up with something great"
-MD, the designer


When I get married I'm playing the "Catch a Falling Star" song


Sometimes big challenges imitate me. It's not necessarily things that are a "big deal," but rather things I am not confident about... there are not that many of these things, so when I run into them, it makes my tummy nervous.


I like people who nod and yes during church and plays and beauty


There's a scene in a Boy and His Soul that makes me want to grow old with someone even more than I already do. It also makes me miss my grandparents.


I don't mind running errands for people, but I dislike the uncertainty of how much soy milk they want in their coffee.


Interstitial spaces are important.

Check Please

My sister's name is Anna Jo and I found this blog of a girl named Anna Jo who isn't my sister. This is her list of "Rad Things to do Before [she] die[s]"

I'm going to bold the things I've done because that's cool

From her blog:
"Here is my list in no particular order. If I have accomplished one of my goals, the date is listed to the right. There are more that I never added and have probably forgotten about. I guess I will just have to live forever to get this all done.

1. run a marathon in every state (6/50)
2. **learn to surf** (8.3.04)
3. be a liftie at a ski resort to get a free pass
4. **marry the raddest guy, in the temple** (9.27.06)
5. bike a century
6. **triathlons!!!** (5.22.04)
7. **run the camp pendleton mud run** (6.11.05)
8. **see Ben Folds live (and his five? reunion show!)** (4.23.08)

9. be on while you were out or surprise by design
10. help an old lady across the street
11. become an awesome telemark skier
12. be a mom
13. speak ASL fluently
14. go on a humanitarian trip to a different country
15. write a children's book
16. take another pottery class and master the wheel
17. have a darkroom in my house
18. be an artist
19. make something out of sticks (wood)
20. **go scuba diving** (Spring of '05...)
21. **go skydiving** (5.8.04)
22. go bungee jumping
23. make stained glass windows and such
24. meet the brothers chap
25. make an independent film
26. get in the patagonia catalog doing something rad
27. become a hardcore outdoor enthusiast: travel to rad places to do
rad things
28. kiss in the rain! ("get some" rain)

29. **hike timp and watch the sunrise** (7.24.04)
30. do the big muddy outdoors adventure race
31. **win a race (at least my age division)** (5.22.04)

32. put up a slackline in my yard
33. own cool dogs
34. make a scrub skirt
35. date a bike messenger guy
36. be a member of a climbing gym with my husband and kids
37. sell something on ebay
38. do something new or start a hobby on each birthday
39. **try the elbow trick** (spring of '06--see above, #4)
40. go to iguacu falls
41. live sustainably
42. join a bowling league
43. **go to a movie by myself** (7.15.04)

44. be on the price is right
45. sleep in a park (like a homeless person)
46. use crampons
47. **go to havasupai** (10.7.05)
48. qualify for and run boston
49. train for a marathon or century en route for the race
50. ironman new zealand
51. bike across Utah
52. Utah grandslam
53. lotoja
54. slackline on the equator
55. raise awareness for something as I bike and/or run across the
state and/or country, etc.
56. hood to coast relay (oregon)
57. bowl a turkey on Thanksgiving

I just liked her list. My own list is as follows:
1. Kiss in the rain [check]
2. Run a marathon
3. Run an ultra marathon
4. Break 20 in the 5k
5. Run a naked 5k
6. Go skinnydipping [check]
7. Get out of debt
8. Be the "Storytime Lady"
9. Love and be loved fully, truly, always.
10. Wake up outside with someone I love
11. Be something incredible
12. Have a room full of my books
13. Bench press my body weight

Obviously it's an "in process" list.

Three Weeks in 3 Links, not the Zelda kind.

Opening Night for A Boy and His Soul is this evening.


The Museum of Chinese in America's opening was two nights ago. The Museum is beautiful and truly eye-opening. I highly recommend it if you venture to NYC.


Last night was the opening for The Blue Rider in Performance. This article is not the best as far as 'giving credit,' but it does give you an idea of what the project is about.

So far all of these three projects have been quite different, but all wonderful, learning experiences.

I am in the right place.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The City might not sleep, but someday I want to

The rest of Week 1:

Wednesday was my first day of my internship. I had stayed up a bit too late the night before, but this is a bit of a habit of mine. I went to the [V] theater a bit before 11. Wednesday night was our first preview and we spent the day going through notes, messing with cues, and teching. After the preview some of the production staff & I went next door. By the time I left I felt energized by the people. It was great to be back in the theater/theatre and I felt very comfortable with everyone I talked to. While I was still in intern shoes, we discussed things evenly. I felt/feel GREAT about what this semester holds.
During my dinner break I went to Barnes & Noble and looked through numerous different sections. I left without buying anything, but only because I had a giftcard back in my room and felt guilty buying something I could use the card for.
After I came back to '305' I sent some emails out for my internship and then had light conversation with people upstairs. By 3A I finally made my way to bed.

I met [3] at a museum where the permanent exhibition is being lit. Having limited knowledge about exhibition lighting it was great to hear a little bit about it. Add that to my list of things to research. After the museum we made our way back to [V] for more notes and the nightly preview. I had a slightly longer dinner break and made my way back to '305' for a nap. This was a bad choice as I slightly overslept and had to sprint/walk the 1.3-1.5 miles back to [V]. I arrived only a couple minutes late and until I apologized no one had noticed [there were "bigger fish to worry about"]. Although, my arches were pretty mad at me for that sprint. Walking over 5 miles a day in shoes that have no support probably isn't the best thing for my feet/legs.
Despite the sprint, the nap was beneficial as I was much more attentive during the show. Aftewards we went next door again. There was a much larger amount of people there; a fundraiser had just let out and it was the location for their after party. We kept the evening short due to our inability to hear each other and I returned to '305' where I had more conversation and eventually sleep.

I made it out for a quick run in the morning [40ish minutes] and got to [V] just after lunch. The best part about this was that I didn't have to spend money eating out... it really adds up, but often there isn't time enough for another option. After notes I made my way over to the Museum by myself to take inventory. It was rather simple, but exciting to be given a task on my own. Afterwards I had a cheap dinner in China Town. I don't normally go for Chinese food, but 4 options, a drink, soup and rice for 5.50 is a great deal. After some good phone conversation and sitting in a park while it rained, I went back to [V] for another preview. It's great to watch how different audiences respond to the show. If you're in NY, ask me about it, I would definitely recommend it. I enjoy it every night.
I returned to '305' with the intention of sleeping.

Instead I caved to peer pressure and went with Amy, Bryce, Fallon & Rudy to The Comedy Cellar. It was a bit expensive, but wonderfully funny. Many of the comedians I had even see on Comedy Central before! I would name names, but let's be honest, I don't remember them all. It was really cool to see/hear people you've seen before [but only on screens]. We returned to '305' and watched some television. By 4A I passed out, wondering why I didn't go to bed at 11P when I was tired.

Due to the late bedtime and limited commitments, I slept the morning away. By the time I finally woke up, I indulged in cheerios and spent most of the day writing emails and tying up loose ends. Around 5:00 I started looking for things to do. At 5:30 I read about Michael Alan's Draw-A-Thon Theater at 6:00.... 5 hours of "performance" art. I sprinted to the Gershwin Hotel and after some confusion, found a lovely purple couch and made a couple friends. The Draw-a-Thon claims to combine Theater and live art making, but there was a lot more live art making than theater. Despite the lack of theater, it was a great time. I only stayed for 4/5 hours because I got tired, but I sketched for most of the time. It was my first time sketching for more than a few minutes in many years and my first time ever sketching nude models. It was a great experience and something I would love to do again when better prepared [with paper bigger than a small notebook]. And if you think about it, $20 really isn't a bad fee for so many crazy models, props and positions.
I came back to '305' with a new energy, only to watch OSU lose the OSU-USC game. A few people went out later that night, but I made the wise decision to stay in, write, and go to bed around 1.

This morning I woke up around 8:30 and went running. I ran along the Hudson River path [only having to stop for vehicles twice and to stretch once] and even found some grass in patches. At one point I was running on mulch and the guy running towards me [also on the mulch] laughed as we managed not to run into each other, saying "hahah, you like the dirt too". While there are some aggressive bikers, and grumpy bad day runners, I love the pseudo-community. After 45 minutes [including one sub8 minute mile due to a guy running next to me... the rest were too slow to mention] I returned home to shower and get ready for church.

My good friend Isaac recommended this church to me called Middle Collegiate. It was a great service as the church is for social change. I definitely intend on returning.

More on that soon, I have to go translate a script... wish me luck <3

P.S. People ask me for directions or help on the train nearly every day. I know there are a lot of people, but does this happen to everyone? Usually it's when I'm in running clothes [because what tourist or scary person would be running?], but sometimes even in regular clothes. The best part is that every time someone has asked me a question, I have been lucky enough that they ask me something I know! I love that feeling.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Importance of Being Invited

Being invited is one of my favorite ways to be. It makes me feel a part of things and that people want me around. This builds comfort which then transforms into my ability to trust and remain secure around those people.

While it has 3 days or less since I have met the other people in the NY Arts' Program, I am already feeling comfortable around most of them. While I am sure our relationships will all transform and become something greater or less or simply different- there is something precious about this world. They invite people. We invite people. Sometimes it's individual invitations- someone will knock on your door or see you in the hallway, but often it is simply yelling in the stairwell that people are going to lunch. If you stick your head out and ask them to wait for you, they will without a second thought. Of course, we are all low on other commitments, but you get the idea. There may be plenty to worry about [the future], but in the present... I have Faith.

The World Spins Madly On

My favorite sound at 8:30 in the morning is vacuuming. No, no, it's not.
However, that is what I was woken up by today (^Monday, now yesterday).

Despite going to bed around 3 or so [as a result of excellent conversation with people who make me laugh] I decided to get out of bed. The chance of me falling back asleep with that noise was slim to none. I sat for a bit and then got dressed to run. I ran to the first theatre I will be working at and then continued on to East Riverside Park. It was a bit of a journey and I did not spend an extensive amount of time at the park, but I was there long enough to take advantage of a bit of their path (most of which I am told is usually under construction) and their 6 lane track. When I arrived on the track my legs were overjoyed. I didn't think they could feel emotion, but as it turns out, they do. My mind may love the city, but my body still YEARNS for trails: dirt paths, crushed lime stone and tree roots to avoid. I am thinking on days off I might try to splurge travel out of the city just once or twice to give my body a real long run. I'll just have to make sure to wear the non-road-rash shorts (Yes, a problem again).

I came home, talked with my mom*, showered, and fixed myself some cereal and yogurt. As I went outside to eat them I ran into a group going out to lunch. I encouraged them to go on and I joined them after they ordered so as to avoid spending money. I had the opportunity to talk to people who I previously hadn't invested much time in, but whose company I really enjoyed. One of these people is the other Sara, and she's a quality person to share a name with. And there is Edward, whose name I keep trying to change (accidentally) and who is working at the [V]- currently with an sm [w] who I think is awesome. He has been there for over a week now and I am hoping I will feel as comfortable as he seems to be.

After lunch we walked to a great bookstore called The Strand. Sadly they didn't have most of the books I was looking for, but I did purchase a Satre book. I am trying to get a deeper knowledge of some of the great philosophers. I wish I had more time to take more classes. I have so much to learn. Why is the unknown always winning? ..I digress... I texted my sister to ask her if there were any books she wanted and while they did not have her request, she did inform me that she had wondered into the store when in New York with Jeff. I liked the idea Anna Jo had been there before. It is a shared experience at different times. Time is such a confusing thing and if we take it away, we were there together.

After the bookstore we returned to 305 for a brief story time in which I only got through one paragraph without making a mistake. I gave up and took a much needed nap. I ate dinner and went to our 8:00 hall meeting.

After the hall meeting a bunch of us went to a restaurant down the street for Amanda's 21st birthday dinner. I had already eaten so I had some sangria and just chipped in for Amanda's dinner. It was another great opportunity to get to know people more. I had not talked to Danielle at all and I had the opportunity to learn more about Kevin as well. While these names mean little to you, I like to look back and watch how relationships formed (or didn't). Point of the story, it was another good investment of time. And, instead of each buying a glass of sangria, Sara- I think it was Sara... and I split a 1/2 L for the same price as buying one glass per person... brilliant.

I returned to 305 and eventually meandered upstairs to the top floor kitchen where cookies were being made again. I suck at 'WW'. They were delicious, that Robbins recipe will be the tummy of me. We immersed ourselves in good conversation and once again moved to the boys' room in time. By 3:30 we were all exhausted and had to put our great religion conversation on hold. I won't divulge into it too greatly, as I have to leave to walk uptown, but I will say this:
1. I am deeply interested in the ideas of Hinduism and
2. It is WONDERFUL to discuss religion with people who know things. It is even more wonderful to discuss religion [and philosophy and other things] with people who know more than you. There were names mentioned that I have never heard of.

Oh knowledge, how much more I wish I retained...

*I talked with my mom about many trivial things as well as one not-so-trivial detail that a good friend of mine from Church, Bill Vobbe had passed away. He always put a smile on my face and TRULY cared about what was going in my life. Since I am not in Ohio it, similar to so many other deaths, is not real to me. Surely, it is a coping mechanism. It is the same way I have dealt with Fred's death. And when I return to Trinity I will look for Fred and Bill every Sunday and I will let myself forget that their bodies will not be there... because they're there anyways. Bodies are unnecessary.


Orientation starts in 7 hours.
I am going to bed knowing that I have spent this weekend investing quality time in good people. I wish I could bottle this feeling.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Experiences with Others.

[Someone else's picture of the glorious Grand Central Station because I did not take my camera with me on any of my adventures and I can't find my phone chord].

My first full day in New York began with a run. This is a milestone for me because this is how I like to be able to stay I started my day; however, it's not always the case. It can be hard to motivate oneself to get out the door each day, but day one, it happened. I ran 50 minutes. I began at W. 29th and Eighth and ran North to Central Park. It took approximately 13 minutes of running on the watch to get there, but I had to stop for cars and pedestrians occasionally. For awhile I was doing quite well and every road said walk, but I must have changed my pace because that streak didn't last. Once I reached Central Park I ran for awhile inside. I tried to sneak onto their graces, but large sections are fenced off which makes that not possible. I still ended up on cement for most of the run, but at least that section was nicer than the sidewalk [kinda]. I left Central Park and figured I would head down Broadway to return home. After spending an extensive amount of time weaving pedestrians I decided it was not necessary to see all of the theaters on Day 1(or 2). I weaved back and forth between Eighth, Broadway and a few of the streets inbetween and eventually dropped back into rhythm and made my way home. I stretched for a bit, and knew I would nap at some point. 14 hour train rides and cement do not lend to happy legs.

After showering I ate the second half my sub from the day before and went grocery shopping with Nick and Kelly. I figured Joe would be proud of me as I purchased 33 items for 43.64. This, of course, included 12 yogurts at three for a dollar (a steal), but I thought this was pretty good for New York. The yogurts were also non-fat and delicious, but I digress.

After putting my groceries away I consulted TimeOut for things going on. My roommate (Amy), our neighbor (Jess), and one of the guys who lives upstairs (Ries) all went to Hell's Kitchen Flea Market. There was some quality stuff and if I lived here, I would have a new trunk and possibly a sword in my housing. Amy and Jess went back towards 305 to grocery shop while Ries and I decided to walk around some more. We stopped for beverages and band-aids, as my shoes were making the bag of my heels cry red, and then went off adventuring. We decided to head towards Times Square to sit on the "red steps". As we were closing in on the red steps we noticed the street directly to our right was FILLED with people yelling and delicious smells. Happy Brazil Day! Yaaayyy! We had unknowingly walked right into the Brazil Day festivities. Despite not being hungry, we both got a little something to eat and enjoyed the music, bits of dancing, and all-in-all- happy people. There were happy shouts and people greeting one another. The sounds of non-english being spoken were beautiful music. I wish I could have captured the experience for you. After over 2 blocks of people-stuffed streets, Ries and I reached the end and were transplanted back to New York, to Fifth Avenue. We began to walk back and stopped in Grand Central Station, where I had never been. We ended up taking the Subway back home to Penn Station, completing a wonderful adventure.

I took a nap. When I woke up it was time for dinner and I made an egg, cheese, salad, and delicious seasoning wrap. This delicious seasoning was acquired from the Brazilian Festival where I also picked up THEE BEST cajun seasoning I have ever tasted. I watched part of some quality tv shows (not true) and then left to wash my plate. After this I joined a lovely group of people in the next kitchen to make the 'Robbins Chocolate Chip Cookies' recipe. The Robbin's family has my seal of approval. The cookies were delicious and I failed Weight Watcher's. Cookie making led to more socializing, joke making and eventually card tricks and my favorite game of asking everyone questions. These included:

-What did you want to be when you were 6 years old?
-What are you passionate about?
-Are you religious?
-Do you believe in Love?
-What's your favorite piece of playground equipment?

Two of those are mine and you can probably guess at least one of them. It was a great first full day and by 3:30 in the morning, when sleep finally fell upon us, I felt as though I was truly living again.


I feel so far behind. In the four days I have not blogged I have made so many mental notes of things to write, many of them have been lost.

I made it to New York safe. Everything in my suitcases fits in my room and the train people didn't even give me hassle. Contrary to the Amtrak I remember from when I went to D.C. over 13 years ago, the people weren't the friendliest. While the journey was long it was easy overall. My parents bought me trail mix and chocolate to make the journey easier. I bought a veggie burger on the train and I, remarkably, still have some of the trail mix and chocolate remaining.
I met a couple people on the train.... Shane, who was going to a wedding, talked with me from 7A to 9A. As much as I enjoyed his company, I had only had 4 hours of sleep (2h at a time) and had difficulty being as enthusiastic about things as he was. I met a few other people, but spent most of my time reading, eating, or sleeping.

Oddly enough, one of my roommates was on the train with me. We waited for her checked luggage and headed to '305' (where we live). Anna, our other roommate was already moved in so Amy and I ended up mostly on the right side of the quad. While I would prefer not to live with 3 other people, there is room for a fourth person. It is nicer living in this space than the double I originally saw. Amy and I grabbed quick sandwiches and journeyed off to Bed, Bath, and Beyond for sheets, pillows, towels, and hangers. We weren't sure where to go for pillows, but when I asked a guy on the corner, his friends immediately looked up the address for me. While in the store we met some lovely, helpful people... two even helped me pick the color of towel.

After we returned we socialized for a little bit. There have been new people to meet each day and I'm not doing terribly remembering names, although I am having difficulties with a few.

My computer is currently giving me difficulties so I will leave you at that and attempt to continue later.

From New York with Love...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The return to old scenery, a new reality

My time at Hope was well spent. I arrived at night on Saturday. I stopped at the store, picked up grapes, strawberries, over-priced-fat-free cheese, turkey and bread. I ate it for 4 meals. I spent time with current and former runners catching up on what I had missed of their summers. It always amazes me the different things we can find to do to fill our time. We work at camps, hospitals, theaters... It's a blessing that I am given the opportunity to spend time with these people to hear about their experiences.
After Jackie, Amy and I left Emma and Joanne's we went to bed so four of us could wake up for practice in the morning. The team was doing a mile workout, but Jo and a few of the recovering-injured younger girls were just doing mileage. As it turned out, the team was going to the course for the workout so I was allowed to ride the Orange & Blue bus. I was wonderfully excited. I've been oddly nostalgic for the Orange and Blue bus. I had the opportunity to meet some freshmen and talk with other teammates. Contrary to my concerns, Coach introduced me to the bus and it wasn't awkward at all. I had a nice run with Jo and some of the other girls. There is even a freshman who plans to go into lighting and has worked with the designer at K-zoo college. I am slightly envious that she already knows what she wants. Even if she changes her mind, she has already dedicated herself to acquiring a fair amount of knowledge in an area. I, on the other hand, have spent a lot of time meandering. I have still retained a large amount of knowledge, but it's in a wide variety of subject areas.

Anyways, it was a good run. I returned home, showered, ate lunch, ran a few errands, and returned home for a nap. That evening I hung around the house with the girls. I stayed the weekend in the house where I will live in the spring. Saturday night a few of us went to the guys' cross country house where other runners and a few of their friends were gathering. It was nice to see everyone, but a different atmosphere due to the amount of freshmen. The new runners greatly out-number the veterans. I got to know a few of the freshmen (mostly the guys since they were slightly calmer) and spent the majority of my time talking with old friends. Jackie and I walked home that night and ran into my lighting design partner from last fall. The fact that in a 3 block walk, you can run into someone you know at least fairly well, just reminds me of how small Hope College really is. While, at times, this is frustrating, there is something comforting and incredibly homey about it. As excited as I am for this Fall, I am looking forward to the spring as well.

The next morning Emma had Meghan and I over for delicious biscuits. We talked for awhile and I was given more reasons to miss Hope this semester :) It's nice to have so many friends that I can return to and have things feel so effortless. I am hoping it will feel the same in the spring. The girls at the house let me help with organizing a few things and I am hoping the transition will be easy, despite going from 5 to 6 girls. However, a lot will happen before then.

After biscuits with Emma I waited in line at the Windmill for Joe. I would like to recommend that if you ever want to try the Windmill... don't go on a Sunday. Also, don't plan on bringing your Weight Watcher's mentality. Leave it at home, there is no good kid section. We had good conversation though. Mid this conversation Kayley (my friend whom I'd dropped off for the NIN concerts) called to inform me the train schedules were changed and she would not be able to get to South Bend, as we originally planned. Instead, she would be in Gary, IN an hour earlier. I finished my breakfast, speedily dropped by to see Rachel and rushed home to get directions to Gary. After some computer problems I was on the road again.

Kayley chilled for over an hour in Gary, but was fine and, to my relief, relaxed about it. We jumped back on the road and made in back to Ohio before 9 p.m. It was a quick return back to Ohio, but necessary. I spent the next day slightly down, but now I am just beginning to let the reality of New York sink in. I suppose, I should start packing sometime in the next 50 hours...

TLC and Travel

This summer I have made up for my years of watching limited tv by watching extensive amounts of:

Man Vs. Food
What Not to Wear
Clean House

I think if we added in a show about scrapbooking, these shows would sum up the way I've spent my time this summer.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I'll order it from Zanzibar

Recently friends of mine have been posting links on facebook. Here are a few I found interesting:

Here's a little bit on: Understanding maps and borders

This is more sad news than interesting, but Reading Rainbow is going off the air. This also reminds me that 3 of my top 10 favorite tv shows of all time have been on PBS.

And "What if Amazon Reviewers Took on the Classics"... truth be told, I <3 NPR

And as far as a love drug goes, why not just use E? I think I'd use the anti-love.

And how much sugar is really in that...?

And for anyone wondering, Zanzibar is located in Tanzania.

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Past presents the Future

Sometimes I wonder if I should switch schools so I can afford to stay another year and switch my major. I'd switch to something that would make me less nervous... like accounting. For someone who already cares about what people think, committing one's self to an industry in which success is determined by how much people like you is scary.

Of course, I won't, but still- Sometimes, when I REALLY think about my life, I get a little nervous. For awhile I've been in this "I'm not impressed" zone in which I just saw people doing what they said they'd do, and not viewing it as something extraordinary.

The next day I coordinated with Jeri to meet up for lunch. Jeri, my friend from Hope, is studying with IES in London this semester and so I was excited to talk with her about what she is preparing for. She also interned with a great theatre this summer so I was looking forward to hearing about her summer. We grabbed lunch and sat by the fountain for a few hours just exchanging stories. I am interested in talking to one of her co-workers from this summer about his experiences so she is going to email him for me so we can meet up. And, she needed help with a good internship location since ies wasn't doing the best figuring that out. I told her I would email Marina. Now, less than a week later we have already made correspondence with our respective contacts and things are looking good. I have yet to email the guy she worked with because I am nervous. I am also hesitant because I am not sure when I would be able to meet with him because of my schedule. Although, I should probably just get over myself and send the email tonight. Worrying is an ineffective use of time.

I said goodbye to Jeri and walked with my sister back to her house. I think seeing Jeri was an important part to my prepping for New York. I am now much more excited for it.
On the way home I ran into Emily, who graduated from Hope this past Spring, on the street by Anna Jo's El station. Emily was doing some Human Right's Equality work and it was encouraging to see a recent grad doing work in something so important, to her and to the world. The day before I had ran into Sarah, a theatre major who just completed her first year of grad school, on the El. I can't help but wonder, what will I be doing after Hope?


I intended to go run with the high schoolers again today, but felt unmotivated and stayed at home instead. I have run three of the past seven days. I ate terribly yesterday and today. It's strange how quickly I go from feeling encouraged and motivated to 'blah'. I am determined to accomplish things today yet. Tomorrow begins September and I intend to stay on track.

Perhaps today is destined to be a down day. I just have four amazing days in a row. Wednesday night/Thursday morning and midnight Alexis and I went to Church Street to celebrate her 21st. I ran into my friend, Chris whom I haven't seen in awhile and we befriended a few guys at the end of the bar who were semi-fascinated by Alexis, her tattoos and her address. It was a beautiful night out and it was great to be able to finally spend time with Alexis.

Thursday morning I woke up super-tired and went to my appointment. After packing up my car I went to pick up Kayley fot the drive to Chicago. Despite some rain the drive way easy and conversation was easy. I'm not used to driving with people, but it was enjoyable and felt as though hs could've been yesterday (in respect to our interactins). I dropped her off in Hammond, Indiana with her friend whom she'd go to the two NIN concerts with. I drove the rest of the way to Chicago and stayed at my sister's house for the night.

Upon arriving we quickly left again to go to a concert at Ravinia. Her friend had bought two tickets, but ended up not being able to go. So, we saw G. Love And Special Sauce and Michael Franti & Spearhead. It was a GREAT concert and it was wonderful getting to see it with my sister. We were a little cold since it was raining and so my tired self was ready to go home by the middle of the second act. Anna Jo and I went to catch the early train, but they ended up holding the train for 40 minutes. We weren't sure if it was because of the concert or the arrest we witnessed, but either way, it may me miss London transportation.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Well, it's 2:40A and I just returned from uptown [or downtown, depending on how you look at it] Amherst. Alexis and I went to Church Street for her 21st birthday. It was my first time drinking in Amherst outside of my house, so that was exciting. It was also my first time taking a 21 year-old out for their birthday, which was truly exciting! While we didn't get particularly crazy, it was a nice time. I don't get the opportunity to spend as much time with Alexis as I wish I could and so I appreciated the chance to. We also ran into my friend Chris from high school and then made some new ones whom were amazed by Alexis's tattoos and/or last name and street of residence [in PA]. Alexis and I called it a night and walked back to her house. My dad picked me up from there. It really worked well and I'm lucky to have parents to call on to be my DD.

So this is the great start to my exciting weekend. Tomorrow morning I have a doctor's appointment [boo] and then I'm off to Chicago with Kailey. I'll drop her off at a friend's house [they're going to NIN Friday & Saturday] and then go visit with my sister. If all goes according to not-planned, Jeri and I will meet for brunch/lunch. Then I'll be off to Holland to visit with my friends. I have nothing in particular planned, but that's the greatest part about Holland. I don't need to plan anything. If things are exciting, we'll do stuff. If everyone is organizing in the house, I'll read the plays I brought or go for a walk around the Pine Grove. I also have a lot of errands to run around Holland. I am looking forward to spending a couple days back in that world.

The only bad thing about going to Holland this weekend is I am missing the Amherst girls' XC team's first race. I really would like to be there to cheer the girls on. I have been running with, and occasionally pacing girls on the team for most of the summer and have pretty high expectations for their season. They have a lot of girls, but if they can all work together they will have an amazing team. They're all great girls, but I'm still aware of how the world is... for any group of 30 people to stay content with each other is difficult. Whether I'm there or not, I am sure they will do great and I look forward to getting the results emailed to me and talking to the girls next week when I visit them.

Then, the week after that... New York.
Ah! But there is so much to do and enjoy in the mean time.

Goodnight all <3

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

There's a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.

Good New of the Day [which will span the week]:

Marcus emailed me an idea of my schedule from the 8th-25th of September and we have previews, techs, focuses, or openings on all, but two of the days/nights. I'm going to be insanely busy and probably not see much of New York in September, but I'm going to be helping with two great shows. One is at The Vineyard and one is at Columbia's Miller Theatre. I am beyond excited.

I received an email from my good friend, Amy and contrary to the email she sent me the other week, she WILL be at Hope this weekend. I haven't seen her since I was in London. She is one of my favorite friends, full of patience, love and peace. I can't wait to catch up with her!

I talked with my friend Jeri who is going to be studying in London this semester and she is back home in Chicago until the 1st when she flies across the pond. Since I am going to be in Chicago this Thursday/Friday I am going to have lunch with her on Friday! After lunch I will drive to Holland.

AND I just read on The Kletz's fb page that they have games now... including scrabble. How am I ever going to get work done there in the Spring? Haha.

I am drinking a cup of tea and content with the world.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Let me assure you, friend, Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake

"You're really going everywhere. I remember a couple years ago when you said you were going all over... and you are, you know, some people just say you are, but you really are..."
-Mrs. H to me at church this morning.

She's right. I am going places. I may not be going everywhere, but I am moving and expanding the bubble. I have lived in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky, London (England), Kostelecké Horky (Czech Republic), and soon New York. I am constantly learning and growing and trying my best to love the world that God has given me to share my gifts and love with.
Today's sermon at church was about taking care of all that God has trusted in our care. We talked a lot about the earth and the plants and animals, but God has also given us each other. I, as a flawed person, have the habit of being self centered. I am refocusing my goal. My purpose here has to be bigger than myself. Sure, I need to take care of myself so I can take care of others, but I must remember the tasks don't end with taking care of myself.

So I will...
-Continue bringing my cloth bags to the grocery store and not wasting plastic bags
-Reusing water bottles and recycling plastics when I am done with them
-Put fruits and vegetables in the compost pile at home
-Be better at forgiving. I listened to a talk radio program about teaching your children about real forgiveness and how it involves not bringing it up again and not using it against someone. I know sometimes we forget what real forgiveness is. I'm working on it...
-Try to not take my negative feelings out on other people. While I am allowed to be sad or upset, being these emotions does not make me entitled to hurt other people
-Try to keep an open heart. I know it's easier to keep it protected, but it still ends up hurting me and other people.

Of course there are more things I can do, but that's a big list for now.
I am going new places and must bring my patience and love with me. I'm there for more than learning lighting*.

*However, I did receive an email from my LD today. Included in it he did mention "The first two weeks of your time here with me will probably be your very busiest -- I'm working on three projects at once and so we'll be doing a lot of running around and shifting gears." Emails from him make me so nervous and excited... and a little more than in love with my life... Forget boys, I have so many other [slightly more dependable] things to be in love with.

Note: I love randomizing my playlist and remembering bands I love. For the last 24 hours I have listening to the Weepies again. I am blaming them for my dreams about Hope last night. You should definitely listen to them.

"Vision of Mary in converse shoes
She's putting down roots and stars she shoots out
I am crying on her couch
Talking in tongues when the words won't come out

Ring around rosey game
Always ends the same way
We all fall down
Get up now, baby, get up now, baby
It's your song, it's your song playing"

"Don't you think that now's a good time to be the ambitious freak you are?"

I've started to get sad lately. It is a mix of things. It is lack of communication, or lack of reciprocal communication, from a couple of people that are important to me. It is needing more. It is missing my friends.

During my semester in London I befriend Bristol who lived down the hall and my roommate Sarah [among other people]. While there are surely more, two things that these wonderful ladies had in common were their excellent musical playlists and the fact that both of them had spent that fall abroad as well as the spring. Bristol had been in Germany and Sarah had studied in France. Both expressed that their second semester, while still exciting, held a little less of that original "ahhhhh". They also felt less of a need to be crazy. The second semesters were also more difficult because they were another semester away from their on-campus and/or at-home friends. One was more home-sick than the other, but they both were still ready to go home by the end. In New York I doubt I will get homesick as I am still in the US and not very far from Ohio. However, I am sad I am not running cross country this Fall. By tomorrow evening all the runners should be on campus. I want to be with them. The next day they will leave for camp- something I have only experienced twice with them. It's simply not enough. I miss running workouts. I miss the orange and blue school bus. I miss the spark the boys add to the mix. I miss... a lot. I'm going to have to get a reasonable idea of my schedule in New York and try and find a race or two. It should help. I can't go the entire semester without racing. I've only raced twice this year. It's simply not enough.

I think the difference between missing on-campus friends and everyone else in the world is that the on-campus friends have an expiration date. In less than a year I will no longer be a student, but rather an alumni. And even if the friends are still on-campus friends, I won't be [an on-campus- or even off-campus friend]
The Yellow House had an expiration date. The house is still there, and apparently has been redone, but the amazing get-togethers and delicious dinners I ate there cannot be redone or extended. While my friends will still exist after I graduate, I can't go back and live with them or spend entire weekends doing focus-and-hangs in the theatre. I can't have a zillion conversations with the amazing cleaning woman in Dewitt because I'm still there studying and she's turning off all the lights. At some point I'm not going to get any more of those days. So I'm choosing some other types of days. I think I am making a good choice, but I still want all of the days...

I am excited for the adventures ahead of me.

ps. I love "The Last Five Years". You should too.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I'm officially going to stop worrying about next spring. The new plan is worry about Spring 2011. If my connections to the real world aren't working out and I'm not finding a job in theatre or something else that I enjoy, I will join Americorps. This is in no way a last resort... that would be living at my parent's house and selling all my belongings on ebay [I've only sold some of them at this point]. Rather, it's a second option. Plus, I began looking at some of the programs you can apply for and I think the biggest problem I will have is deciding where to apply :)

Red Line meets Blue

A friend from college posted a list of must-read plays at the beginning of this summer. While I had read many of them, there are even more left on the to-read list. For example, to any theatre major's disapproval I've never read A Doll's House, or any Ibsen for that matter. I know he's great, but it's all based on hear-say.

So I went to the library today with a list of plays and playwrights. I thought I would pick up The Pillowman or maybe something by Alice Childress. I began searching, only to be reminded that I live in a small conservative [not as bad as Holland, but still...] town with a library that tries its best. Needless to say, Amiri Baraka was nowhere to be found. However, I did come home with a book of Noel Coward plays, The Birthday Party [I <3 Harold Pinter], The Cocktail Party by T.S. Elliot, and Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett. I have read a few of Beckett's plays and make references to Godot all the time, but have never read it all the way through.

While I was looking in the play section, I glanced over at the poetry section which was the bookcase next door. I happened to see a book called "Poems on the Underground". I couldn't help, but pick it up. It was a chance find. I opened it to the bookmarked page and read this:

Celia Celia

When I am sad and weary
When I think all hope has gone
When I walk along High Holborn
I think of you with nothing on

Adrian Mitchell (b. 1932)

It was a successful trip to the library.

Note: Holborn is the tube stop I got off at for school
Note2: Poems on the Underground are actually poems that were on the Underground. It officially started in January of 1986 when these three people wanted a way to positively fill empty advertising spaces. Three years [1989] after the launch the London Underground agreed to provide all spaces for free and quadrouple the original number of spaces for poem. While it did not mention this in the foreward, my guess is this later grew into "Art on the Underground" which you can see in [nearly] all London tube stations. More on this later...