Something Like Gray

I managed to quote Teddy in my final senior seminar journal. Life is complete.



The senior seminar presentations have been my favorite part of all of my classes. Every story that someone has told I relate to in some way. It has only been since spring break that I have had my anxiety down to a functioning level. Julie talked about wanting to have her face show her laughter like her mother’s. I used to intentionally smile while sitting neutrally in hopes that I would not have ‘frown lines’ like my Grandma. I filled out applications to transfer and doubted whether or not I belonged. My life was made clearer when I studied abroad/off-campus.
We all search for our role and our place to belong. We identify with sports, Greek life, volunteer groups, artistic ventures, and religious organizations, but during the times of less confidence it is hard to remember that we are not alone. In “The Sparrow” every person had his/her own role and was happiest fulfilling it. What happens when the role or the group we identify with disappears? If I am a runner and I have a permanent arch problem that prohibits me from running, what am I?
In the past two years I have continually moved from location to location and have had to redefine what my job was in each environment. Looking back I realize that once I was comfortable I tended to fulfill the same role as the time before, but in an attempt to try out new identities I had to try new things. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter if I am in London or Cleveland I do not have fun in crowded clubs, but I do love game nights and laying on the floor talking about what matters, confessing, and laughing until the wee hours of the morning. Some things change and I am willing to try new things, but Teddy Pendergrass knew: “You can’t hide from yourself…”
Listening to Evan’s introduction I began to think more about how location affects identity. When we moved forty-five minutes away from all of my friends the summer before third grade I cried continuously. At the time I had no idea how the move was affecting my parents, sister (going into 7th grade), and brother (going into 9th grade). I felt incredibly alone and now I know my siblings did as well. I would not expect my eight year old self to have the same self-awareness that my twenty-one year-old self strives for, but this does make me realize that perhaps, when I feel most alone, I am not alone at all… I just have my eyes closed.
In just over two weeks we will leave Holland, MI and many of us will never come back; I don’t have a reason to return in the near future. Wherever I go next I hope to stay secure in myself, while remaining open to change and growth. I do not have a defined career role: Anne, the doctor or Emilio, the Jesuit Priest; I will have to find other things to identify with. I have been following Socrates’ path and have made an active effort to know myself. I have carried the words that my high school psychology teacher wrote on the board on the last day of classes for four years now. I have had to rewrite them a couple of times due to paper life, but I think I will keep his instructions as my plan:
“KNOW THYSELF”
-Socrates
Today I will…
•Laugh out loud
•Feel loved
•Spend some time in thought
•Have my emotions moved
•Choose to make the best
•Learn something new about my world
•Take care of myself
•Know more about me
•Give to someone
•Grow as a person
Believe in yourself.
Goodbye, Good Luck, God Bless.

Godot

I am thankful for days when we can all keep calm, confident, and laughing.


Here's to hoping tomorrow is similar regardless of my intention of pulling an all nighter.

xoxo.

Listening to the Remainder

I am thankful for the ability to exhale.

20 great things about today:
1. Amazing books at the library (The Royal Court Theatre Inside and Out, The Letters of Samuel Beckett, Toward a Dramaturgical Sensibility, Peter Hall's Diaries)
2. Elle. She let me borrow her flashlight
3. Hugs
4. Mindy/Listening to Mister Rogers!!
5. 5/6 people in my house being awake before 7:30
6. Meghan and I working together to get our bums out of bed. hah.
7. Getting my excel done and turned in before 9A without any running
8. Sweatpants and long underwear keeping me warm
9. Way overdue cuddle time, stories and laughter with Tim
10. Imagining great adventures
11. Acknowledging my fear of failure [lack of worth]. It's the first step...
12. Nap time!
13. Finishing the channel hook-up
14. Successful Day 1 of not eating at the Kletz
15. Speeding AND efficient meetings for presentations
16. Feeling more confident about my upcoming design in a flexible space!
17. Learning that while "poon tang" is the more common spelling (and pronunciation depending on your region), the Online Slang Dictionary (American and English) spells it "poo tang"
18. The wonderful actors and crew of Much Ado About Nothing. They are indeed fabulous.
19. Spaghetti
20. The Sun and the warmth and happiness that, in turn radiates from the people