And so much more

I spend a lot of time listening to Andrea Gibson.
I'm more than a little in love with her.




I'll mess up the pattern.

Something Like Gray

I managed to quote Teddy in my final senior seminar journal. Life is complete.



The senior seminar presentations have been my favorite part of all of my classes. Every story that someone has told I relate to in some way. It has only been since spring break that I have had my anxiety down to a functioning level. Julie talked about wanting to have her face show her laughter like her mother’s. I used to intentionally smile while sitting neutrally in hopes that I would not have ‘frown lines’ like my Grandma. I filled out applications to transfer and doubted whether or not I belonged. My life was made clearer when I studied abroad/off-campus.
We all search for our role and our place to belong. We identify with sports, Greek life, volunteer groups, artistic ventures, and religious organizations, but during the times of less confidence it is hard to remember that we are not alone. In “The Sparrow” every person had his/her own role and was happiest fulfilling it. What happens when the role or the group we identify with disappears? If I am a runner and I have a permanent arch problem that prohibits me from running, what am I?
In the past two years I have continually moved from location to location and have had to redefine what my job was in each environment. Looking back I realize that once I was comfortable I tended to fulfill the same role as the time before, but in an attempt to try out new identities I had to try new things. As it turns out, it doesn’t matter if I am in London or Cleveland I do not have fun in crowded clubs, but I do love game nights and laying on the floor talking about what matters, confessing, and laughing until the wee hours of the morning. Some things change and I am willing to try new things, but Teddy Pendergrass knew: “You can’t hide from yourself…”
Listening to Evan’s introduction I began to think more about how location affects identity. When we moved forty-five minutes away from all of my friends the summer before third grade I cried continuously. At the time I had no idea how the move was affecting my parents, sister (going into 7th grade), and brother (going into 9th grade). I felt incredibly alone and now I know my siblings did as well. I would not expect my eight year old self to have the same self-awareness that my twenty-one year-old self strives for, but this does make me realize that perhaps, when I feel most alone, I am not alone at all… I just have my eyes closed.
In just over two weeks we will leave Holland, MI and many of us will never come back; I don’t have a reason to return in the near future. Wherever I go next I hope to stay secure in myself, while remaining open to change and growth. I do not have a defined career role: Anne, the doctor or Emilio, the Jesuit Priest; I will have to find other things to identify with. I have been following Socrates’ path and have made an active effort to know myself. I have carried the words that my high school psychology teacher wrote on the board on the last day of classes for four years now. I have had to rewrite them a couple of times due to paper life, but I think I will keep his instructions as my plan:
“KNOW THYSELF”
-Socrates
Today I will…
•Laugh out loud
•Feel loved
•Spend some time in thought
•Have my emotions moved
•Choose to make the best
•Learn something new about my world
•Take care of myself
•Know more about me
•Give to someone
•Grow as a person
Believe in yourself.
Goodbye, Good Luck, God Bless.

Crepes, puddles, fake sun, and Andy Griffith

Do you ever feel like you are radiating? It is as if you are like the sun except that your internal explosions are even better than nuclear fusion. I haven't been writing as often lately. I do a lot of reflecting for my senior seminar, but in actual reality I don't take the time to write any of it down. I wish there was a way to simply save all that I was thinking then for later, but my loud mind will just keeping pushing new [or repeated] thoughts to the front of the line.

Kenzie and I went puddle-jumping this afternoon for almost forty minutes. Amy and I made crepes [my first time!] this morning. Sure, there is a lot to do. Yes, it's my last week of classes, but I find it best for me to just continue on "as normal". Normal meaning spending as much time doing wonderful things with fabulous people as possible. Jackie and I will hang out in a little bit and then I will spend the rest of the night [minus the meeting(s)] completing all of those to-do lists.

One thing I really enjoy about Holland is how beautiful it is! There are plenty of beautiful towns around the US and around the world, but I've become particularly fond of this one. I have now gone on two quality [8-12 mile] bike rides in the past week and I have been overwhelmed with the amount of beauty I have encountered. It even feels differently than when I run similar routes. I have two weeks left in this town and there are a couple things I would really like to do before leaving:

Visit tunnel park
Spend more time outside
Run at the place with the funky trees
Go to the beach and The Bowl [if it ever gets warm enough]
Find more exciting things to see on our road trip immediately following graduation. [Here's some information I found on Idaho]
Okay, well... it's a list in progress



I feel sort of obligated to get nostalgic these days. I know that pictures rarely show the yuckier parts of life, but even with those less favorable parts, my life has been pretty wonderful for the past three, three and a half years.
I have my phone set so the news comes up on the main screen. Every time I go to check the time I get the headlines. I have never been so in tune with every tornado, tax reform, or Islamic concern about South Park. If nothing else, I am just reminded daily that loss is inevitable, but there is always beauty too... The Ying and the Yang... Apollo and Dionysos. There is balance and it is infinite.

There are friends to find and people to love. Now I must do my best to live in the active presence and fight the battle against (all kinds of) loneliness.

Appreciative after Lent

A few reasons why this has been one of the best Tuesdays of the semester

I attended, stayed awake through, and was early to all three of my classes!
I woke up in time to have two bowls of cereal. Mmmmm.
There was good conversation in Religion.
I took a lovely Hope-ish picture of tulips.
Day 1 of the Philosophy of Life presentations inspired me and made me feel even closer to everyone than before
Sally fed us lunch in senior seminar so I actually ate lunch at a proper time!
I finally turned in two of the journal entries that were super late
Showering just makes you feel better about the world sometimes.
We received a weird post card in the mail.
I turned in the theater keys and got my $20 back.
I remembered to pick up my cap & gown and run errands that have been a week overdue.
I went on a great (possibly 12 mile?) bike ride with Amy and didn't fall over or run into anyone
A man training for a marathon complimented my running shoes on that bike ride
Amy and I played on a playground and had a GREAT time! So much fun!
Dinner was unhealthy, but free at the "Senior Celebration"
We ate ice cream.
I laughed with my fabulous housemates.
Schaedig called and there's lots of wonderful excitement involving her evening!
I went to the library and was productive.
I had a great conversation with an awesome librarian who let me TAKE OUT A REFERENCE BOOK! Crazy! That NEVER happens!!!



To sum it up there was just lots of joy and laughing and you can't go wrong with well shared happiness.

Thanks Be to God(?)!

Waking in Context

I went to the DOW to work out this evening. Goodness! It felt wonderful. I don't know why I don't go more often; I typically feel so good when I leave. Running and biking have about the same 'good feelings' attached, but lifting makes my whole body feel like it matters.


Today I was biking on the bikes on the side, the ones with the screen that makes it feel more like a video game than a workout. I was on my second cycle and sweating profusely when a 8-11 y/o came in with his college-student mentor [I'm assuming]. They biked next to me for awhile and afterward, when they were wiping down the bikes the college student [who had a deep voice as is] began singing with the song being played overhead. The woman singing was a few octaves above his every day speech, but it was all in good fun. The boy rolled his eyes and had a look that more than suggested that he would rather his mentor not sing. I smiled at them. The singer asked the kid, "what? Am I embarrassing you?" and the kid immediately responded "yes" with a bit good-natured pleading in his voice.

As they went downstairs I found myself smiling. I think I understand why it's often okay to embarrass your kids. It shows them that it doesn't matter; Anyone cool would know his singing was awesome. There's really no need to be embarrassed. Embrace every ridiculous moment. Sure, it's okay to be boring, but a lot less fun.

For the most part I have done a relatively good job of remembering this in the past couple of years, but it takes constant reminders. This was also a great moment because I realized that one of the reasons I am able to appreciate my parents much more now than- say... 10 years ago, is that I get it now. I understand that there is value in doing what makes your heart happy and that talking to people is important. A smile goes a long way and laughter takes away a lot of loneliness.

Yeah, my parents are pretty awesome...
That's obvious without even talking about last weekend's party and their great ushering.



ps. I get to see Schaedig tomorrow for the first time since winter 08 and I am ridiculously excited!!!

Mae

The URL for this blog is the sum of change (sigma delta) over time... as I thought I was. However, I now realize I should have titled it sigma pi delta over time. The sum of irrational [number] change over time.


I neglect the near future, dream of the distant future and close my eyes to immerse in the now.

Love is nothing you can tax

It's my housemate, Jackie B's 22nd birthday!!


Here are some other things you should know:

Fun is often foolish.
You are not a burden.
People can like you just the way you are.
Developing positive emotional attachments to words makes speaking more fun.
Looking in the mirror and saying "I love you" is tough sometimes. That's okay.
Paintings that "don't turn out" are awesome.
Say yes.
Say no.
Be honest.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
You can be variable and flawed and still be good enough.
Both giving and receiving are important and take practice.
Fairies, angels, and goblins...
Saying that you need a hug when someone asks how you are often makes that person's day better too. If they can't give you a hug, that's alright. Not everyone carries one with them on hand.
You belong.
There is room for growth.

I'm not exactly sure why this is, but life is better with love of all kinds in your heart.

Float

I am so grateful for spoken word poetry and confidently soft instrumentals.


Lent is nearing an end and a lot of things are changing for me. Of course, there is always plenty to be thankful for. I am working at a theater at home this summer and searching for a second job [hoping to get better results than last summer]. I would like to spend a little time out of the Ohio/Michigan region... possibly in Texas with my brother in May or early June. After July 31st is still TBD. Tomorrow we have a day off of tech, but we start back up on Sunday and open on Thursday. It all goes quite quickly and I am hoping to have my voice [and mind] back in full effect before Sunday. I have a lot to do this weekend and lately I've been playing catch-up a lot. However, I've been floating through the rapids through most of it. If we're sticking with the analogy I'll admit that not all the floating is being done above water and there's a lot of spitting and sputtering going on. It's hard to reach extra high when the ground you're standing on is moving so unpredictably. In these cases you can just sit and still end up in unexpected grandeur.

There's a great supportive company to be thankful for and lately there has been great weather for my walks from the house to the theater... and for the drive to The Junction tonight! Woo! 10,000 points to the weather for letting me take the top off.



xoxo.

chamomile

I am thankful for tea, sunshine, a supportive crew, quickly focused lights, friends, and those other days when I have a voice.