Confession

Confession: I am really excited for the completion of the reconstruction of Graves Hall. It is an older building on Hope College's campus and has been under construction for about a year now. I had one terrible class in the dull building during my freshman year. However, I have many great memories of Graves Hall as well. It provides many great doorways to hide in while playing Assassins with the Cross Country team. I have also sat on the benches outside many times, including one time with Tim which ended a great Sunday together.

Why I am most thankful for Graves, however, goes back to the Fall of my freshman year. The first semester of my freshman year was a very rough time in my life. One day, after my freshman year seminar, a girl in my class, Grace, if I remember correctly, asked if she could pray with me. I, of course said yes, really needing that prayer that day. I can't quite remember how exactly the rest of the events played out. We were standing in between the library and the science center, almost crossing the road when she asked. I can't remember if we prayed there and then went into Graves together or if I went by myself or-- Actually, what I think happened was she asked if we could go into Graves to pray. I said sure and she led me to the basement of Graves where there was a room, about half the size of a classroom that had a small alter in the front and little pews. We prayed there in front of the alter and then I said I was going to sit for awhile. She said alright and left. I sat for quite a while. I looked around and found a Bible and then some song books. I flipped through them. I started to look at more things on this bookshelf and then notebooks on a table. All these notebooks were filled with prayers. Some were very recent while some of the notebooks were much older. They weren't printed prayers, but rather people's, most likely students' personal prayers. I read many of them and then added my own, praying it up and writing it down.
In that prayer I included the- then secret, still a secret to some- thing that was weighing me down. I needed relief. I need more air.
Obviously writing my prayer didn't instantly cure what was troubling my heart, but it was a step in the right direction. I haven't returned to that room often since, but knowing it is there has been a sense of comfort to me ever since. I hope they keep that room after their refurnishing of Graves Hall, but I suppose I will find out in Spring 2010. If not, perhaps I will just have to restart another room like it elsewhere...

After all, it is good to know you are not alone. Not only is there God, but there are others whom He has put here to comfort to you.
Thank you to them. Thank you to Him. And thank you to Grace for reminding me of what was there all along.

Going the Distance

When this occurred I read the story and knowing some people, some runners from the area it broke my heart, but I stumbled across it again today I realized I never shared it.

It is Ryan Shay's story. I recommend reading it...

Ryan Shay's Pure Heart at Runner's World.com

Shared via AddThis

We've never met, but she already lived my life.

I opened the bulletin and read "Peanut Butter". I immediately called my friend, Rachel. We lived together in Timmer and listened to Andrea Gibson together. We also both love SARK.

I read Andrea Gibson's poem "Blue Blanket" at the Take Back the Night March last fall.

"Photograph" explained my heart for a very long time. It still makes me fear the fall. Autumn is my favorite season. Robert Frost knows about the "Leaf Treader". Autumn is the hardest season.

I am in love with Andrea Gibson.
She makes me cry cleansing tears.

Listen to her words.

Spinning my wheels

I'm not sure if I'm friend sick, a little bit heart sick or just plain tired of spinning my wheels.

I want something this place can't offer. I guessed that before, but this week (I've been here doing nearly nothing, but scrapbooking) has reaffirmed that.
I think things will get better when I get get my head back into theatre-zone.

I just miss something... a lot of somethings.
I miss eating breakfast on the Timmer porch on Sunday mornings. I miss the yellow house. I miss my sophomore year neighbors. I miss escaping to Bristol's room. I miss Tuesdays in London. I miss London. I miss the goats and talking to Henrike. I miss being in love. I miss being 17. I miss running. I miss Amy. I miss Rose and the Rime workshops. I miss going on adventures. I miss meeting new people. I miss having friends within 10 minutes of traveling.

The strange thing is I have hardly taken advantage of being here. Actually, I know it's my own fault. I haven't really done anything. I can do things on my own. It's just disappointing that I have to. I thought I would come home to friends.


But you know, I can walk around barefoot here.
If I ever got off my bum I could run (more than once).
I can go visit my Grandma & Grandpa (I just want to get my scrapbooks done to show them first)

It is not that I'm unhappy. I'm relatively content. I just want a job so I don't feel like I'm bumming. A large part of the reason I was looking forward to coming home was the idea that I might reduce some of my debt.
I hate debt.

What's that you say?

"All my employers would say I am the best worker they ever had."

What would you put for that? Strongly Agree? Agree? Neutral? Disagree? Strongly Agree?

I think that is a ridiculous question. I don't think I have had a single employer who would ever have made that comment about anyone so I can't really say. If you agree you're big-headed. If you disagree, well, then they question why not? I put neutral. I think a few would say I'm up there and a few would just say I worked there. I don't know.

I just had to do over 200 of these questions for Michaels.
I just want to sell crafts.
I just want a job.


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I'm nostalgic. I read old blogs often. It helps me learn who I am by reading what I was. I wrote this about 3 years ago:


Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness
Current mood: scared
The world feels happier when you look for the best in people. I just can't decide, is it safer to look at the world realistically and perhaps negatively and to be less likely to be let down or to wear your rose-tinted glasses. I know we're not all good. We all lie, we all envy, we all have sinful attributes. At the same time we all have something in us that makes us crave something better that this. Maybe it's my belief in a version of the oversoul that keeps me praying that the good is stronger than -- the other, but it's at least something. I wish I knew what was real. I wish I knew what to believe.

If it's true that the only person you can trust is yourself, than what happens when you lie to yourself? Sometimes you just tell yourself something so many times that you have yourself believing it- what happens when you were lying to start off with? I don't know why I am asking, there's no answer... I'm just craving one. I wish I could read minds. I do not mean this in the most superficial of ways, but more. I wish I knew what really made him happy and why he really stays around. I want to know why friends act the way they do and who really means the words she says. Everyone has a choice in the matter, but who really feels that way. I suppose I don't know all the answers about myself, but I just wish I knew a few more about someone else.

The theatre business binder will probably never be looked at again, yet here I am-- spending all my Sunday obsessing over it. I should just turn it in as-is, no one cares how much we made on the Spring Show... just let it be Sara.

I want a parking Lot Dance Party. I am not joking. The theatre banquet is Wednesday night and I've recently discovered the track banquet has been moved to Thursday. Maybe after the track banquet on Thursday the high school parking lot- seriously... last day of school for most seniors.. it'd be a good time. Would anyone partake in the festivities?

I have to leave in 45 minutes... I haven't taken a shower... and the thought of college is making me sick to my stomach.

I know my friends will separate and with all these weddings it makes me wonder, five years from now- will I be getting married? Will any of my current friends still be in touch to attend? Why is this so scary, yet so close? I know college will go fast- high school flew by and I hear it only speeds up from here. I think I'm going to stop counting years soon-- there may be 70-80some left, but it's just too mind boggling. I'll be honest, I don't understand the concept of time.

I was looking on facebook and I discovered there is a Hope Cross Country page. I began going through it, looking at all the people and my stomach started flip-flopping and I felt a bit sick. Somehow the thought of having new "girls" just isn't quite right. I have all of June and July... plus 20 days of August, I suppose I shouldn't be too scared yet. There is lots of time to worry yet.


I worry I am not doing enough with my time here. What should I be doing? Scrapbooking, crying and blogging about nothing just don't always seem adequate to fill up my time.

ps. I love swinging... especially this weekend with all the stars out. I hope you've had a chance to admire the sky.
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You say "Goodbye," I say "Hello"...

My final IES blogs have been posted:

http://blogs.iesabroad.org/author/sara-gosses/

Reconnecting and Applying

As I was driving home the song "Freebird" was on the radio. It is one of my favorite songs and as I listened to the lyrics I suddenly realized that was what was so amazing about the last couple months of my life: March, April, May. I was very free. I had commitments, but to things I loved and cared about. They were loose commitments. I had friends both where I was and where I wasn't. But because of my full attention to where I was, I didn't spend a lot of unnecessary time with the people who were where I wasn't. And, the people who were where I was were all low maintenance (well, the ones I was spending time with towards the end) and they allowed me to feel light, to feel warm and free. I felt part of something, but only because I had let go of so many of the things I was clinging to.

So now I am back to where I wasn't before and I am attempting to maintain contact with people who I spent time with in London or in The Czech while trying to reconnect with Hope people and trying to reestablish some sort of relationship with people here, in Ohio. It's tiring to think about. I want to reconnect with more people. I want to know what is going on with your life, but sometimes I'm wondering if it's too far to reach with just a phone call. After all, I'm not the only one who gained more self-revelations this semester. And then there are some friends whom you call and you are so glad you did. It feels as if you are close as peas again. Then you call others and you never get called back. I had the lack of returns. To be honest, all the friend frustration boils down to that...


And the unemployment frustration. Why aren't they calling me either? Sure some of the applications were turned in to places that "may not be hiring, but it wouldn't hurt to fill one out..." or to places like Applebees who "don't hire just summer help," but don't tell you until you go in the second time. And I understand my evenings m-f being unavailable don't help, but still... This part of the life is in my bottom 10 for least favorite life necessary activities... job searching.
Well, nothing to do, but fill out more... Off I go (online of course)! Wish me luck!
And I will wish you the same because chances are good you're in the same boat...

You know..

I am currently in the process of posting more pictures on facebook so I am looking through some of my notebooks to try and find where I jotted down what the pictures are of. So far I haven't found much so I think I will just post them and let people guess what they are looking at. I did find lots of random thoughts I wrote down. I don't remember why some of these are written down, but all the same...

"Girls in high heels move less, but strut more.
When they think someone is cute and have alcohol in their systems, they hang over counters to talk"

Nervous habits of people nearby:
Woman- thumb tip in mouth... when realizes it stops and laughs at the next thing said


P.S.
For my interview I was at a rehearsal for a show. I just realized the director was this guy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruben_Santiago-Hudson
I just thought he was awesome. I had no idea he was incredibly awesome.
PPS.
It's an expensive show too, hahaha.

Obama/Cheney

While I try to (at least sort of) keep up on politics, you can never know as much as you wish you knew. After reading a couple different papers and watching CNN in the airport, this reflection of the latest so-called Cheney/Obama issue, seems the most... on.

The link is to DAVID BROOKS's Op-Ed column:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/22/opinion/22brooks.html?_r=1




I am glad I am not going into politics. I think the lack of clear right and wrong would leave my heart more confused than it already is.

Theatre Memories

My high school theatre director filled this out on facebook. I feel like filling it out as well. While I try to minimize the amount of "quizzes" I do on this blog, it is more like a series of questions I would like to track the answers of, then the usual type...

1. What was the first show you ever did?
In Kindergarten I was part of the Christmas Play at Catawba. I was an angel and kept her arms up the whole time because she thought that would look better. My arms are the funniest thing to watch as they droop as I get tired or when I try to quickly return them to position after wiping my nose on my sleeve. I'm a truly classy angel.

I also sang as part of my first trio, with David and Lindsey "Let There Be Peace On Earth" in that play :) It was a big deal.

My first play that I thought of as a play though was "Cinderella Wore Combat Boots" my freshman year of high school. I was Mazerella.

2) What was your most recent show?
Does "Underneath" the play that we wrote in London and did a rehearsed reading of count?

3) What was your favorite show/role?
My favorite show that I was a part of was, without a doubt Rose and the Rime... the first time was probably my favorite, but the whole process is what makes it close to my heart.
My favorite acting part was when I was... well, I forget my name, hahaha, but it was a murder mystery improv dessert theatre... yeah, imagine...
Plus I was female dressing like a male to get more acting jobs.

4) What was your most challenging show/role?
Perhaps Stacks of Wax... dealing with the fact that I truly did not know what I was doing.

5) What is the most bizarre show or role you've ever done?
It's not truly bizarre, but the closest I can think of would be being one of Potiphar's girls during SST... just bizarre because I hate wigs.

6) Has anyone ever written a show for you?
No, but I wrote a show with a group of amazing people :)

7) Have you ever quit a show to accept a better one?
No

8) Have you ever completely blown character on stage?
Probably, but it's been a long time since I've acted on stage so I don't remember exactly

9) What show(s) are you just dying to do?
My dream acting role used to be Eliza in Pygmalion, but as Marina pointed out... "Why? You're not British..." And well, I guess that's what it was a dream.
I would love to finish lighting Metamorphoses some day
My dream venue is The Royal Court. I don't care what show, just let me do something with it :)

10) Have you ever done one of your "dream" shows?
...before I realized they were my dream shows I guess...

11) Who was your favorite director?

12) Who was your least favorite director?

13) What is the most surprising role you have ever been offered?

14) Have you ever injured yourself onstage or offstage?
Not really, but as a director I once had over half my cast injured in one week (show week)... oh, Curse of Wolvesmede...

15) What show(s) have you done multiple times?
Rose and the Rime in Holland, Michigan, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and in Washington D.C.
16) Have you ever had an onstage kiss?
For my final this past semester, yes

17) What was your scariest moment in a show?
My freshman year of high school I was not terribly excited to attempt to tango on stage... let's not talk about it, hahah

18) What is your best show memory?
The workshops before Rose and the Rime, when we were an even bigger group, but felt honest none-the-less

19) What is your worst show memory?
Every time I've cried at rehearsals, hahah

20) What is your saddest show memory?
Val said it well... "Watching a beautiful set get struck! Saying goodbye to cast and crew you have spent every moment with for weeks, and sometimes never seeing them again."

Calls no longer need to directed to 011447896462343

Goodness it has been a long time, hasn't it? Over a month? Incredidble.
And, incredible that month has been! I left England, went to Greece, stopped in Bulgaria, essentially lived in the Czech Republic and came back to London. Then I flew into Cinci, transferred to Cleveland, washed some clothes and then flew into New York, where I am now. In 2 days I will jump back onto a plane and return to Ohio until I-- just kidding, in Ohio I will stay until September. Of course, I might make the occassional trip outside the state to Chicago or something of the sort, but in overall, Ohio it will be. I will be stage managing for a community theatre and hopefully working another job to make money. I am currently in the process of finding that job. If you have any leads, point me to them. I'll take just about (just about) anything that pays. I'm not terribly picky because I have lots to look forward to and even more to smile back upon.

But, if I am in New York, why I am blogging? Why am I not out "experiencing" the city. Well, to be honest, I am tired. Perhaps it's the result of sitting in tech for the last five or so hours, or perhaps I'm just still jet-lagged, but either way, I'd like a nap. I tried my hardest to avoid being jet-legged (is it lagged or legged? Perhaps both...), but as it did it London, it usually manages to hit you sooner or later. I arrived home on Friday at 12:45 a.m. (Czech time), but managed to stay up until amost midnight est (almost 7A Czech time)... that's another 6 hours! The next day I did about the same thing, but goodness was I tired while sitting in the airport! I thought I might be able to fall asleep on the plane (despite not being able to sleep on the 9 hour plane ride across the ocean) since I couldn't sleep in the airport, but all the same, I made a friend and we talked most of the way to New York. It turned out he studies film as CSU and we share a couple of mutual friends. He told me some great traveling-across-the-country stories that sounded pretty similar to On the Road, the great Jack Kerouac novel I have been reading for awhile now. Having recently picked it back up given all the flying I've been doing (this past Wednesday, Friday and Monday) it was great to hear of his adventures.

And I have continued to meet some nice people. Last night, after sitting in my dorm trying to not freak out (unsuccessfully) about today's interview, I decided I needed to leave the 503 and ventured down the street for a pizza. I struck up conversation with a guy in line and after ordering he sat down with me. We ate our pizzas together until he had to catch a bus to head back to Canada. As it turned out he moved from London, where he has lived all his life, to Canada to do an internship with the Canadian speaker, or something governmental of that sort. Sadly he will be leaving Canada right around the time I will be returning to NY so we neglected to exchange information. However he did say he'd see me in Chelsea (London) when he gets his house there, haha. It'd be nice. He was a decent conversationalist. Plus, I'd love to return to London. I understand that it doesn't have the same appeal when you are from there, but all the same... I mean, I just received an email from studentuniverse for a flight from Cleveland to London for less than $400. If that isn't temptation, I don't know what is! I have $400. Of course that isn't actually my money, but rather money loaned to me, but it's in my checkbook and goodness, how I love London!

This morning I also meant a nice guy named Alex who instigated small talk as this lovely restaurant near 4th street, where my interview was. I arrived exactly an hour early so I figured I'd find a place to get coffee. I sat at the bar a seat or so down and we talked about the weather and our plans for the day. It was his birthday, but I think he also had an interview or perhaps some meeting at 11:00 a.m. Hopefully, his went as well as mine did.

I have never been quite as excited for the fall as I am now. One might say it's being in New York that makes it seem more real, but Sunday and Monday I was in New York, and I was a bit numb to it all. After a certain amount of traveling, you lose the thrill. Something about "seeing the sites!" or "being in the city!" just seems trivial. It is not that you don't enjoy where you are or where you are going, but rather it invokes a different emotion. Today, however, I am excited to think about spending a couple months, and perhaps more time later in the following year, in New York. I will be doing an internship with a designer who knows things. His work looks great and from talking to the people that work with him, he's serious in the most dedicated of ways, but when work time is done, it is done. I think... and even more so, hope... we will get on well. September will tell. I am hoping to accumulate more lighting knowledge before then, as my fear of incompetence was what was making me nervous. I mean, I can only call Pat so many times. After today's meeting I am not quite as afraid. I think keeping my adventerous, wanting-to-learn self out there will result in a good experience.

In the mean time, back to Ohio I go, searching for adventure and good experiences, in other worlds.