Sometimes I worry about how good things seem right now. I know there is a lot of hurt in this world, but I feel as though a lot of my wounds have healed fairly well and I am surrounded by a great loving community of people. I just got off the phone with one of my newest favorite conversationalist. He makes me feel validated and I love listening to him. This morning I had a cereal date with amber and we got to catch up. Being around her reminded how we all take separate routes, but we

'Skitos, the worst part of summer

So I don't think it looks quite as delicious as it reads, but I'm in the mood to make something with rosemary.

I'm a bit behind on these blog posts. From the morning of the 9th until the night of the 23rd I was without a computer and the keyboard of my phone is just not enough for the sorts of stories I like to tell. I've been back in Ohio since the 23rd, but just getting loose ends tied up so I haven't been blogging. For the past couple of days I have been thinking about it a lot, but usually by the time I'm done thinking I either need to go do something or want to take a nap because I get to missing certain people and places and when that happens I either eat or sleep.

Today I got in trouble for eating cookie dough. My mother bought frozen cookie dough and so when I get a chocolate craving I either make chocolate milk or sneak some cookie dough. I made cookies today in hopes that she would think most of the cookie dough went to the cookies I made and not to my love for raw cookie dough. Earlier this evening we had been sitting on the back porch (or on chairs in the grass next to the porch because my dad had just stained the porch again) and some how the cookie dough came up and based on my wearing my emotions on my sleeves [yea, both of them] she asked if I had been eating the cookie dough and then went on a lecture about it containing raw eggs and not being good for me and not even having protein on it. Hold on! It has raw eggs... eggs have protein! This, of course, made her more frustrated... I don't see why... I'm on my own health insurance now (Well, sort of still waiting to be approved, but stil...). Perhaps I'll have to wait until September when I'm not living at home.


September is the plan. As long as I make a reasonable amount of money this summer I will move to New York in the end of August/start of September. So, if you or someone you know is looking for a new/additional roommate and your housing is reasonably priced, keep me in mind/in the know.



So sleepy. Why do I keep staying up til 2?
Night!

xo

Ready... Freddy... Go!

Tomorrow is Commencement.

Commencement is:

1. The first existence of anything; act or fact of commencing; rise; origin; beginning; start.


Many people sit and reminisce about dorm experiences and studying in the pine grove. We have walked to school in snow storms that could bury the smaller students and completed papers that have and they are both things to take note of. We are not the first or last to experience anything, but we should treasure it. I have plenty to be thankful for. My time at Hope College has been filled with joys, neutral feelings, and the less favorable kind, but it was time and I like to think I've grown, that we've grown. We've figured a couple things out and now we're ready to commence! It's time to begin. With an even stronger safety net that's further than it's ever been, we are entrusted with great knowledge to achieve great things and love fully.

Nine members of my family are in Holland this weekend for my graduation. While the actual event may not warrant throngs of people flocking from Ohio, I believe any opportunity to spend time with family is [almost always] one to be taken. I have amazing parents who believe in me and are 100% behind me. I have siblings that are already accomplishing great things and continue to care about their work, their friends, and their loved ones. I have Grandparents who love each other and who struggle every day, but remain strong and love even stronger now than ever before. I have relatives that care and a family that wants to be a family. I hope to always be in and foster such families. Whether it's a Confucian duty or something completely different, I don't know. I just know that they radiate strength and love and I want to radiate it back.



In truth, thanks to everyone. Sure, there are certain events in the last four years one could complain about, and I won't try to claim that I was always in a place that felt "right," but there have always been people there to support and love me. My whole senior seminar class seemed to do that this semester and not a single one of them was obligated to in any way. They encourage my belief in "Good People".

Thank you for making the last 4, and the last 21/22 years of my life what it has been. Tomorrow is commencement, but we already know that every beginning is some other ending... and that's okay.




Things I love:
Seeing friends out
My housemates
Adventures
My Grandparents
Nice Displays of Affection
Affection
Breathing

Bicycle

I spend a lot of time under the covers. It's been a little chilly to lay outside so I've been hiding in. I went for a bike ride and fulfilled a few obligations and then napped until 10pm. I have no school assignments and yet, here I am... wide awake at 2A.

I'm a get restless when "waiting for the next big thing" and so I just sleep during the day and stay up late listening to Daisy May and eating pretzels knowing that when I'm busier I will yearn for this time and when I am elsewhere I will miss those people. Both of those things are inevitable. If I could bottle this up and save some of these things for later, I would, but I can't, and so I don't.

The Present's Great, but look at this future!

A few countdowns:

3:15 until my last final of my Undergraduate Career
4 years today since prom
3 Days until my family is in Holland!
4 Days until I graduate
5 Days until we have to FULLY clean this house [ikes]
5 Days until I have to say Goodbye to my amazing roommate :(
6 Days until Jackie, Faith, Amy and I start our driving
6 Days until I see SCHAE-SCHAE!!
7 Days until we're in WY, seeing where Faith is going to spend the next few years!
8 Days until Jackie and I leave Amy and Faith :(
9 Days until Jackie and I reach Seattle!
13 Days until I have to leave Jackie in that exciting city!
13 Days until Austin :)
17 Days until my sister graduates/ I get to see my family again in Chicago!
18 Days until I am back in Ohio for the first time in 4 months
1.5 Months until the summer excitement truly begins
4 [or so- ish] Months until I move again

In the Freezer Section

A week from today I will leave the place where I have lived for about three of the last four years. And you know, I just might miss seeing upper-middle-aged women dressed in traditional Dutch costume in the freezer section at Meijer. You see a lot of things in New York, but streets lined with 2-102 year-olds in Dutch costumes dancing in unison?
Not annually...


And buying hot pockets?
...Even less so.

Status Quo

Sometimes I feel as though I am sad for no reason, but maybe sometimes it's not sadness, but simply coming down from happiness... back to some sort of neutral level. Or perhaps I just have difficulty identifying emotions and I'm just sleeeeepy... or easier yet, thirsty!

Watching mothers with their newborns I wonder if I was as confusing as an infant as I am now. For my parents' sake... I hope not.

Maybe this neutral will feel more neutral tomorrow.
xoxo

Let's get crazy, Talk about our big plans

There is so much more living to do, but I do not mind being here.

I am just beginning to feel motivated and interested again. I don't feel bad about how I have spent this semester, but I did a lot of floating. It feels as though a lot was included, but I remember less of it than any semester past. So much planning for tomorrow was done that it makes it difficult to remember what was happening in the day. I accomplished most of what I wanted to do though.

I had the opportunities to be a part of two different great shows and may have seemed partially removed, but managed to learn great amounts. I spent hours filling my housemates' ears with stories and hours laying on their floors to listen. While I am still a little lost as to what my career goal is, I do know more about what I want to contribute to the people I interact with.


I am not done with school though. Tomorrow there is a religion final and a take home essay due. The last of the life view presentations will be presented. These presentations are my favourite. I feel so much closer to the world with every story.

Wednesday I have a paper on Confucius due and my management final. Then, that will be it.
I feel very similar to the way I felt at the end of high school. I am not overly eager to be done. I suppose it is time and I am okay with that, but I will miss this identity. I know I will bring my self along on the upcoming adventures, but there is an identity shaped by the community here that will fade away. That's okay, but the sense of loss is a bit inevitable.
The only time I really felt like leaving was during my freshman year and that feeling disappeared as I began to find my place. I hope I can accomplish everything that my freshman year self was so eager to leave for.



Some days the future feels incredibly unknown...

Note to Self

Note to self:

Next book to buy for yourself:
"The Royal Court Theatre Inside Out"

...excellent book, but not enough time to read the whole thing during the end of the semester and had to return it to focus on finals.