Thursday, April 14, 2011

Surely Tums Will Help

Laying here, in my apartment in New York I had a flashback to the night before I came home from college, at the end of my first year. I laid on the floor of my dorm in Kollen Hall and waited for my friend to call me and tell me where the end of the year track party was.  She never called and eventually I just accepted that I was spending my last night alone.  We were both insecure and so I understood her fear of inviting someone to a place she was probably already having difficulty feeling a part of.  Looking back on it, we were silly, but at the time it seemed to matter.  I spent the rest of the night walking around, trying to soak in the campus. It was late April, early May. The grass was this rich grass green, and it has rained recently and so it felt like a real spring.  I don't remember being hot or cold, but simply craving.  I was craving to be in love with the world as I once had been.  I know this because I wrote it down.  I was also a little afraid to go home.  I didn't have a job lined up and I'm pretty sure I already knew I was about to get broken up with.  It wasn't for another month, but I knew it was coming.  Having a broken heart doesn't just keep you from falling in love with another boy, but keeps you from falling in love with the world.

I healed. It took a long time, but I healed.

Earlier I was talking with a friend about these guys in our lives.  We do this quite a bit.  It's fun... usually.  Often I try to help her work through thoughts about her love life and the questions I ask her to answer, I ask myself. It's good for growth.  It's nice to have friends like this.  I was telling her how something incredibly [seemingly] insignificant made me cry last night.  And I talked about falling.  Sometimes, by the time a relationship ends, that first part, the part when everything is new and exciting, if a little intimidating, falls away.  But, since this all happened at such an important time in my life, I can bring it to the front of my mind, like I imagine he does in the The Giver... so much so that if I had that power, someone else could feel it too.  I don't normally record those feelings in public domain.  It's dangerous. You never know who'll read them or misinterpret them. But, why is that enough to stop me?  I want to remember what that feels like.  It's awesome. It doesn't have to necessarily be falling in love, but the realization that you and someone else both think the other is great!  It's exciting and depending on who you are, it may cause you to act incredibly silly.  That's typically me.  Then again, a lot of things bring out my silly side.  My brother knew something up was up when I got in the car.  I seriously spent the entire spring break, and a good amount of time after I returned to school, high as a fucking kite, sans drugs.  I couldn't stop smiling and my insides felt like they were constantly injected with energy.  When I think about that too much I want nothing more than to fall in love again just so I have someone new to associate it with, who reciprocates it.

That's essentially verbatim to what I told my friend.  I then followed it up with a retraction because I have jobs to apply for.  I can't take risks with my heart right now.  A broken heart keeps me in bed longer than the flu.

But, it's still sort of fun to remember... remember having your heart jump when the phone rings and trying to not talk your friends' ears off about thing that seem so mundane to them. 

I was going to give you more detail and then I realized... a have a silver notebook.   And sometimes we don't share details with the world... or even good friends, not because we're scared, but because they're too sacred.  I think those words often get confused. 

As I told Jessica... "Goodnight! I love you! And make good choices... you know, ones that make you happy when you wake up"
I'm really grateful for my good friends. 

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