Dark yet...

Waking up when it is still dark out always confuses my brain. It reminds me of high school or Jr. High... or sometime in life before college. This morning I woke up at 6:50 a.m. and wondered why I had to go to Leo Club so early... before realizing I wasn't waking up for Leo Club at all... and I hadn't in three and a half years.


Life has been strange lately and I am not so sure what I want.

A List like Santa

Why would Heaven have Gates? If God is who He has revealed himself to be... It doesn't.
Thank Goodness
[Ignore the obnoxious introduction/exit-duction]

SWC Letter

I forgot to send my letter to Mr. Kemp before late last night so in case he does not see the email and/or one of the runners sees this before going to Conference in the morning... please print this and read it to the girls.

Please and Thank you.



Ladies,

It’s that time of year again… the leaves are changing, there’s a crispness in the air and your times are getting fast. I loved getting to know you all this summer. You are dedicated to this sport. You are dedicated to your girls.

It’s Saturday morning. Saturdays have been my favorite day since the Madison Invitational in 2002 (a long, long time ago). It is the one day that you have the opportunity to prove that you are brave-- To prove that you are strong enough to win every “Moment of Truth”. It is time to put those spikes to use, stay strong up the up-hills, let go and pass em on the downhills, and show the Conference what the Amherst Girls are really about. We are a tradition and I have faith in your abilities.

Every Saturday night/Sunday I wait impatiently to get that email from Mr. Kemp. I pull up the week before’s results and compare. Who made the move? Who got brave and went out, steayed out, and finished strong? You. I believe every one of you will be “that girl" this week. You have the ability;. You just have to want it.

My thoughts will be with you all tomorrow morning. I will probably put on my XC t-shirt and go for a run right around the same time as you… wishing I was with you to hear racing hearts and that starter's gun. It’s your time. You deserve this… never believe anything less.

All my love,

Sara G.

"You-ology, Me-ology... Oh, an incurable humanist you are"

For a series of reasons I have been thinking about crying a lot lately. I haven't been crying, but there have been times when I needed to. I figured out my personal views on it: While jerk-faced people aren't worth my tears, I am. I think that's the line that gets a blurry. When are you crying for some guy and when are you crying for your heart and for the realization that your dream world doesn't really exist. When are you crying about X and when are you crying about your inability to change anything that has already happened. When are you crying about Y and when are you crying about how lost you are.

There are no need for question marks.

My hike was canceled. It was a 14-peak hike in the Hudson River Valley. They canceled it because of bad weather. It was probably for the best. I took a nap this evening that I would have avoided so I could wake up tomorrow morning otherwise.

Today was an interesting day in the less fun kind of away. I am constantly reminded how great my friends are and how much I really need them.

Tonight Julie and I made spaghetti. I love sharing food with people.
Luke played us some amazingly beautiful music. Despite being slightly out-of-tune Luke convinced the piano to fill the room with sounds of love and belief in such. I am consistently amazed by the gifts which people have.

I am planning to go running tomorrow [since my hike is no more... pouts] and send good vibes to the Amherst girls who are racing at Conference tomorrow and to the Hope runners who are in Wisconsin this weekend.



I want to go camping.



[And then Chaos ensued. Oh, living in a house can be so interesting...]

Late Night Update

To put it shortly:
I am talking with and meeting great, passionate people. They inspire me to do something.
Brighton Beach Memoirs caused much (needed) laughter last night.
My boss is forgiving and therefore helps me get through stress.
I am excited for all the open doors.Sp
I love new friends.
Hashing is amazing... as are the people... probably the first the result of the second.
Zombieland was actually QUITE funny. I laughed a lot.
Laughter is the best.
New friends are wonderful.
Cuddling and quality friendship is (so often) the reason for happiness.


Yes.
Life is Amazing. I worry no year can ever top 2009.

LD/LBO

I am designing a show. There is a rep plot, but it's still up to me what comes up and when it happens. There are channels preprogrammed into submasters, but cues can't be programmed so everything is brought up and cross-faded as X and Y. All the same, I am, for all intents and purposes, the designer. I am also the LBO and therefore am having difficulty designing as the only time I am in the theater is during tech when I am in the booth... which is positioned to the side leaving me unable to see the whole stage. It's an interesting experience.

Day 3 is tomorrow. I'm on a mission to get some barn doors as I am only allowed to change focus, color, position, and shutter cuts on 3 or 4 of the fixtures.

I am nervous and excited and... sigh... more on this later.

Porcupines and Purpose

My good friend, Lydia is living and serving in Tanzania. As I was reading her blog today, I was stopped by some statistics she posted:

* 4%: percentage of Tanzanians with running water at home
* 54%: percentage of rural Tanzanians with access to safe water
* 116: under-five mortality rate in Tanzania, per 1,000 births
* 88%: percentage of Tanzanians earning less than US$ 1.25 per day
* 26,828: size in square miles, of Lake Victoria

*citation: “Along walk for water.” The Rotarian. September 2009: 12.

That means that 10% of babies born don't live to be five. 44% of people who live outside of a city don't have access to safe water?

Now, I am aware that perhaps my gifts aren't in the designing of systems that move fresh water. I acknowledge that posting some stats in my blog won't change much of anything. However, it is this reality that makes me wonder how and where I would best serve. As of now I don't feel called to any particular location, but I do need to feel like I am helping someone or something be better. It is a self-serving kind of goodness, but it is a reality of mine. Perhaps I will not save a thousand lives by preventing the further spread of malaria, but maybe I could encourage a few students to believe in themselves enough that Jr. High isn't an unbearable memory or perhaps I could contribute to a piece that helps people realize that we are all a part of something great and that they are not alone. We need them...

I am not sure.


I do, however, know that I need to try and figure out what I am going to do for this show that I am "designing". I use quotations because it is a rep plot, but either way I need to at least decide levels and what we're going to do about this gel-situation....

All the best <3

Cocoa Pebbles

When I get stressed I eat a lot of cereal. Sunday night I went shopping and bought 2 boxes of Cocoa Pebbles (unhealthy, I know, but $3 cheaper than most of the other cereals). I am almost finished with both boxes.

This "stress" I am feeling is unlike normal college stress because it's not directly related to things like papers that needs to be turned in or large exams, but rather the fear that I don't know what I need to do and/or I am not doing things correctly. When I get assigned large projects I just want to sit down and work on them non-stop until they get done (perhaps with a couple cereal breaks), but unfortunately the world does not allow this method of working. So I have a small bunch or projects, but keep not getting things done at the rate I would like to. I get stressed when the world makes it impossible for me to "get my way". So that is the cause for first box of cereal.

Box two is quickly being devoured because I am beginning to think that I do not want to be a lighting designer for my "Real Job". I have been thinking about it for awhile, but I have been afraid to pronounce it... in case I change my mind. However, I- in time- have learned that it is okay to change your mind. So, if I change my mind back, you'll just have to forgive me. It's not that I don't enjoy lighting... I do. It's fascinating and beautiful and... so much more, but as I watch LD:MD jump from project to project I realize that there is not time in the day for him to dedicate as much of himself to each project as he would like. Now, I realize that he does a great job of balancing projects and is still able to create beautiful, supportive-to-the-story-telling work, but I don't know if I want that to be the kind of stress I am dealing with everyday. Sure, there is some fear-of-failure associated with this for me, but overall, there's a realization that there are other things I can dedicate my talents to: stage management, production, general electrician, ect. I will probably still try to do some design when I return to Hope, but I realize that as far as grown-up, post-college, career decisions... I might just design on the side. I don't know if a marriage would work out. I'm not against a relationship on the side though if lighting and I can work something out.

After all, it's like Tom Petty sings, "It'll all work out eventually..."

Cardboard Cells

Today I met a woman who said she hadn't been happy since the day she was born. I didn't get her name, but I do know that she has trouble finding shoes because her feet are messed up. She gets paid on the first of the month and offered to go shoe shopping with me. She told me her tongue, head, ears... body hurt "because of those stupid ***** cops and..." (she went on). I told her I hope she could get some rest and I wished things would get better for her... and I did, but I hope she didn't mean it when she said she "hasn't been happy since the day (she) was born". It breaks my heart to think about.

On that note, I have been doing a decent job of trying my best to see reality as it is and staying positive. I find the second part is one of the best ways to keep one's self "happy". For the most part I am successful. This weekend there were moments when I would forget to be rational and I would crave for realities that did not exist, but different moments followed those ones and here I am, listening to Bright Eyes again, being reminded that everything "must belong somewhere".

This idea, of belonging somewhere, is what keeps the possibility of being happy open for me.... well, as long as the "somewhere" is pleasant.