Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Cocoa Pebbles

When I get stressed I eat a lot of cereal. Sunday night I went shopping and bought 2 boxes of Cocoa Pebbles (unhealthy, I know, but $3 cheaper than most of the other cereals). I am almost finished with both boxes.

This "stress" I am feeling is unlike normal college stress because it's not directly related to things like papers that needs to be turned in or large exams, but rather the fear that I don't know what I need to do and/or I am not doing things correctly. When I get assigned large projects I just want to sit down and work on them non-stop until they get done (perhaps with a couple cereal breaks), but unfortunately the world does not allow this method of working. So I have a small bunch or projects, but keep not getting things done at the rate I would like to. I get stressed when the world makes it impossible for me to "get my way". So that is the cause for first box of cereal.

Box two is quickly being devoured because I am beginning to think that I do not want to be a lighting designer for my "Real Job". I have been thinking about it for awhile, but I have been afraid to pronounce it... in case I change my mind. However, I- in time- have learned that it is okay to change your mind. So, if I change my mind back, you'll just have to forgive me. It's not that I don't enjoy lighting... I do. It's fascinating and beautiful and... so much more, but as I watch LD:MD jump from project to project I realize that there is not time in the day for him to dedicate as much of himself to each project as he would like. Now, I realize that he does a great job of balancing projects and is still able to create beautiful, supportive-to-the-story-telling work, but I don't know if I want that to be the kind of stress I am dealing with everyday. Sure, there is some fear-of-failure associated with this for me, but overall, there's a realization that there are other things I can dedicate my talents to: stage management, production, general electrician, ect. I will probably still try to do some design when I return to Hope, but I realize that as far as grown-up, post-college, career decisions... I might just design on the side. I don't know if a marriage would work out. I'm not against a relationship on the side though if lighting and I can work something out.

After all, it's like Tom Petty sings, "It'll all work out eventually..."

1 comment:

Manda said...

its ok, some times i dont think i want to be an actor (i too never speak this aloud..) and sometimes i feel like ill be letting my family down. but my happiness is all that really matters. so for the time being im perusing acting but im open to other career options. there really are so many other jobs in the theatre that i may love just as much or more than acting, but ill never know if i dont try.