In this particular blog I found myself talking about my desire to lower my weight or get back on track with running more often than perhaps I "should". In the spring it was because I literally felt gross. It had little-to-nothing to do with the mirror and much more about how I felt. The fact that my clothes were not fitting was part of it, but the majority of it was just the 'blah' feeling I woke up and went to bed with every day and night. My current desire to rebecome a "real runner" is partly because of that and more so because I miss the mentality of running. I am nostalgic for my teams and I miss having that sort of focus. I have been reading David Allen's "Getting Things Done" and in the first chapter he asks you to think of a time when you've been truly productive. He begins describing the feeling and I immediately think of running. He later equates the feeling or productivity to "the zone," which we runners often talk about. Starting the day with productivity or knowing you have guaranteed productivity at 4:00 is a good feeling. It lets you know that you can and will accomplish things. You just have to start by getting dressed, putting on the proper shoes, and showing up.
Of course, I would be a bit of a liar if I claimed that I did not look in the mirror and occasionally groan. The positive reinforcement I have received from certain males this past semester has, however shallowly, discouraged me from groaning as much, but that glance in the mirror pre-shower is usually not received with a smile. I am thinking of not having mirrors bigger than face size in bathrooms when I am a grown-up. I feel as though having the face size ones might be helpful as I do like to do a quick teeth-check post-meals and pre-meeting up. While mirrors in other rooms may be useful to increase the size that the room appears, they usually result in feeling an increase in your own personal size as well. And one* may say, well what about "Spaceballs", that guy would have never known how big his butt was if his head hadn't been turned around... mirrors can help with that. Yes, yes, but if God had wanted us to know how our butts truly appeared, wouldn't he have put them in front? Or perhaps given us removable eyes?
All that said, my friend and former housemate wrote a facebook note today. In it she discusses her experience in Argentina and the reality of the clothing industry's preference to smaller women. She wrote:
"[...] because Americans are much larger than Argentinian girls I would never be able to fit into the popular clothing. I was large and I became very comfortable with it. I remember being at the public pool wearing my bright red bikini and having everyone stare at me, because I didn't care about my love handles and belly. I strut around like I was gorgeous, because what else are you going to do with all those tiny girls for competition."
I immediately thought back to Bulgaria. I had the exact opposite feeling when I was there. All of those small women made me feel extra large. (Of course, this was when I was at my new largest size so surely that did not help.) And you know, I am back in America now and am not one of the largest people I know. I have been, perhaps, the largest girl on the cross country team, but not with a difference so large that I embarrassed myself. Sure, there are some men who I am much too large for. If they wanted to make me clothing it would take too much fabric [surely this is the reason that don't feel motivated to court me] and thus are not physically attracted. That's okay. Some men are also more attracted to Koreans, but you have to narrow the candidates down somehow. Perhaps, I was just meant to be born in the 1500s [despite the lack of women's rights]. After all, I look much more like a goddess in a painting than a celebrity on the cover of Glamour anyways:
Venus Of Urbino By Titian** [1538]
*one meaning I
**Of course, when Manet used Venus as a model for his Olympia three hundred and twenty five years later [1863] her love handles had a little less to love, but who wants less to love anyways? [that is a rhetorical question]
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