I've always loved being on campus during breaks. About two weeks after break I yearn for home, but there are serious benefits before that feeling hits. You see, this world is peaceful, Especially on nights like this. There may be other people walking around, playing frisbee golf, but yet there is this coolness calming all those things you thought before.
I came home from watching Second Class [it was a great performance tonight-- I much preferred it to final dress] and took a shower. I needed to feel as clean as the air I ran through to get here. I had pulled up my long black skirt so as not to trip and I sprinted, sprinted through the purity that's been gone for too long.
I dried off and messaged a friend who is feeling some things that feel so familiar to me. Rewind two years, freshman year, feeling alone and as if I was in the wrong place most of the time. There were a lot of tears resulting from something outside of college, but truly I didn't want to be here. There was no one I truly cared about here. School was meaningless, nothing was being changed. Running was lonely and I searched the theatre, but consistently left work feeling more and more insecure. And all I wanted was to be held. And sometimes I just wanted to run away and save the world: to serve the world.
He mostly just wanted someone to hold and to be around someone who mattered to him beyond the common care you give human beings. I asked him if he remembered my freshman year, because, along with a few others, he was often my lifeline. He replied with "yeah you were a mess". And he may feel similar, but I know he'll be fine. He's very likable and with his energy-- ...anyways, I am so grateful to never have to relive the first semester of my freshman year (of college). I do not want to even go back and look to see how I could have changed it. I am glad I am out of it and that through the grace of love and the patience of time I, now, have people that I care about and who care about me.
I ended the conversation and felt a little frustrated at him because while I lived in that world for so long and knew sadness well. He just sounded like he thought he was entitled to never having to feel such things. And while I don't think anyone should have to feel that way; we all do at some point. In a way that is a major theme of Second Class: We are all awkward and searching. Well, despite that small feeling, I wanted nothing more than to take that sadness away. I tried with all my energies to send him thoughts of being held, going on magical adventures and having secret escapes.
Awhile later I called him and he was fine. He was with a friend and the friend said they were high-- as so much of me knew they would be. I must be honest, I had wished for a much truer adventure or escape for him, but I can't complain- he sounded fine and I was fine and we got off the phone and I went to accomplish other things.