Friday, October 17, 2008

It's getting hard to remember what I came here to forget

I am every self self I've ever been. I am reminded of this often. Sometimes it's just when I have the giggles or when I get scared of dogs. I"m not always afraid of dogs, but sometimes... sometimes, I don't do so well. This past week we were on this run out a ways from campus and there was a dog and it ran towards us. I stopped and when it wouldn't go away I began to get very upset-- panicking. I began running again, but I never truly got into the workout. The dog, who was a little round on the sides, ran with us for a good 3 or 4 miles... and we were doing a minute on, minute off, 2 on.. and so on.

Back in 2005 my good friend Larry wrote a blog entry on the existence of all his selves. He set it this way:
"i am the dormitory for all the Larry's that i have been... they are housed here and talk to me, see the world i am seeing and tell me how i would see events at each age till now."

He then continues to give an event that reminded him of that and added "i miss that kind of abandon." saying that he still keeps part of those selves around, but he can't be 7 or 17 or whatever age... all the time anymore-- just sometimes.

And this is why sometimes we panic when big dogs run towards us and why sometimes we proceed with caution (but proceed). This is why we jump on beds and sing silly songs. This is why phone calls matter and people saying mean things hurts. And this is why getting giggly over a nice, cute boy is okay. I have to remind myself of that. I give myself permission to chalk and swing and giggle until I cry, but I keep forgetting to give my permission to crush-- and crush on someone even if we know he's not going to crush back. That's alright... give you something new to over-analyze ;)

I also think that this is also why we miss certain people sometimes, but not all the time. There are days when all I want is to be back at my 8th birthday party. My mom and sister put together a scavenger hunt. Some days when I imagine I am back at Camp Fitch with my sixth grade class... when Wes had a crush on Bridget and they were my two closest friends and they were both worried it was going to hurt their friendship (side note: Bridget didn't like Wes back and was very nice about it with me cause she knew I was sort of crushing on him at the time). Often I wish I was back in Michael Roder's living room dancing to Purple People Eater or up in his tiny attic playing some game with our amazing imaginations... before people believed you need pot to get "truly creative". Other times I just want to return to freshman year cross country season when things were new and exciting and I PRed every race (except for one). And sometimes I want to return to the prop room, winter of my freshman year and sing I Kissed a Drunk Girl with Mike, Christine and Amber and whoever else cared to join in. Or perhaps when I'd escape that dumb mandatory freshman tech class and sit on the floor of senior lounge by Mike and Katie and just soak up their presence and their wisdom. And I miss the people and the feelings that the memories remind me of. But I do not think of them all the time. You can't. You have to experience other things now, for those things have come to past and so now you are here and it's your job to make it amazing so it can be stored in the box labeled "open when sad" or "CAUTION: Contains Creative Energy".

There are many other times I don't look back on so often. Or perhaps I look back on times around them, but have reworked what was reality so I don't have to feel sad. I look forward to the orientation for study abroad so that when people talk about orientations I don't have to always feel so sad. And there are many days of high school that I do let blur together because those darn teenage hormones made days that might have otherwise been fine, a little extra messy.
Often when I want to think of happy more recent times, I think of swinging. I think of swinging with Aaron. I think of lots of times with Aaron. From April to July of 2006 are so packed full with happy memories it's difficult to remember all of them. I think of swinging. I think of swinging with Lizzy and Ian and Chris and Christy and you. Swings, specifically the Powers or Shupe ones are sacred to me. There is something magical about the night air flushing over your wide open or tightly shut eyes as you listen to a dear friend.

There is something magical and something sacred.

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