"I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam"

Note: Posting this one Weepies song makes me want to post a zillion. "Nobody knows me at all"... "The World Spins Madly On"... their songs are just so simply relate able.



Yesterday I ran 30 minutes outside and my lack of energy after just a few miles worried me so I decided to give my legs a rest and try and do 5 tomorrow. I also realize I have a lot of cover letter writing to do. This Independent Contractor/ Freelancer thing is difficult. Example: Yesterday I received an invite for an interview and an offer for a gig. However, even if I get both of those jobs, I still will not make enough money to eat in November. I will just barely make enough to pay for my rent.

So, 1 on-line application for a seasonal positions, 1 cover/resume, and 1 random letter out today, with a few more to go before the day is through.

and I went grocery shopping!



PS. The weather is so strange today. I was warm outside in jeans and a t-shirt.

And People from Liverpool

The Treadmill

In some ways I find it strange to admit this, but I ran on a treadmill today... by choice. I was at home and the weather was even nice out. Anyone who knows me well, or even moderately well, knows I often talk down about the treadmill. Why run on the treadmill when you can run outside? See the fall leaves! See the city! See the people! Breathe!

Well, I ran on a treadmill because if the hardest part is putting on the shoes, then why not skip that part? I've heard so much about barefoot running and I wanted to be barefoot today, but I don't own Vebrams and I know from the 2 blocks I sprinted the other day barefooted in East Harlem, it's not the best idea. So, I ran 2, 2 and a half miles on the treadmill, barefoot. Of course, my toes are not calloused the way they once were and being barefoot does help you avoid the heal strike so my feet are still sort of on fire, but oh well. Honestly, it was a really good workout. The first half of the running was really slow, running barefoot and running on a treadmill are both strange sensations and put together you don't really believe that you're running as slow as you are. Of course, once I was down to 8:20 pace and felt totally a.okay, so much so that I did my last quarter or so at 7:40 pace, I realized how slow I'd really been going at the beginning.

And, if you think the shoes are easy, it's the getting dressed part, skip that too. Sports bra and skivvies... it's like bun hugger days, but without the race or teammate negativity.
[Side note: I love bun huggers and got so annoyed at teammates who made a big deal about them. I loved running because it was the one time that it didn't matter how you looked]

The other great part about running on a treadmill is that you can run for 10 or so minutes and then stop, drink a little water, do some abs, do some yoga poses, do a couple youtubed workout bits and then return to the treadmill... all on your yoga mat, without ever getting your butt dirty or worrying about dog poo in the grass.

Of course, I'll be honest, I still LOVE running outside. I hate waiting for cars when crossing the streets it takes to get to Central Park, but the Park or the path, if I go east, is so lovely when I get there that I still want to do it a large percent of the time. So, I don't plan on stopping my outside runs. More than 25, 30 minutes on the treadmill would get painful anyways and I don't want to limit myself to that, but there are benefits and I'll admit it, my Monday run was inside my fourth floor apartment.r

Tired of Shoes

While condensing folders on my computer I came across my "To Do Before I Die" document and realized I could cross off more things on the list!

-Move back to New York City
-Relearn how to ride a bike
-Get a Bachelor's Degree

Of course there was a thing or two I had to take off because they were no longer possible, but not anything in the top 50.




In other news...

I'm having a 'I want to be barefoot outside, grilling veggie patties and peppers' sort of day.
It makes it tough to put together resumes.

9th is my favourite because it's the end

Confession:

While I have attended 2-3 of their games and I do own one giant, gray Indians t-shirt, I don't have ties to any baseball team in particular. I have no intention of suddenly becoming a fan of baseball and I have nothing for or against the Yankees. What I do love, is the amount of adorable small children in dark blue Yankees caps. I have no idea why, but they make me smile every time.

There are a lot of attractive guys in my neighborhood that wear Yankees hats too, but that's not really a surprise. I like dark blue.

If this is an update, what's a downdate?

My good friend, Lydia and I were exchanging "what are you up to" type stories, and this was my reply to her:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who moved to New York City with a kindasorta plan. The kindasorta plan kindasorta worked, but the girl still wasn't happy and since the plan was only temporary anyways, she quit her 10-6 office job and applied... for more. She had one more week of work [designing for a show] and on this Sunday she will be unemployed... to be continued

So, for those of you who are wondering, that's where I am at. I've been trying to do as much reading as possible. I did really well applying for jobs two out of the last three weeks, but something [honestly unknown] reduced the amount of time in the days this week and so it's been a little tougher.
However, the week did include a meeting with a director whom I'd met while working at TNC (the theater I was box office managing for when I first returned). She knows quite a bit more than I do about producing. So, I asked her if we might be able to sit down at some point. Obviously her life has been busy as well so it's taken a little while, but a bit of emailing back and forth paid off. Yes, sometimes people put you off because they don't want to x, y, or z, but I find in this city, much more often than in the Midwest, it has nothing to do with x, y, z, but rather they really are that busy and if you just keep trying, it will happen and when it does it will be worth it. I have at least two perfect examples of that already.



In other news, Emily was awesome enough to get me an old Hope jersey. I don't know if she realizes it, but she actually got me one of the ones that was once mine! #29! I'm trying to remember when it was that I wore it because I don't remember looking quite this...

so, my new goal is to fit into this top better. I mean, the tops were never overly flattering on the stomach area [not long enough], but not quite this gross either.

In order to either lose weight and/or get back running, I have tried a lot of things. I've put a schedule on my wall with post-its so I can move the distances to the "done" category when I've done them. I've tried waking up early, I've tried sleeping in. I've taped pictures of runners on my walls and on my floor. I've looked at other runners' times. I posted pictures of past Turkey Trots [my next 10k]. I keep my shoes by the door and my weights in site at all times. I'm really not doing well. And, to be honest, I don't have any new plans for running, except waking up and doing it. That's all it really takes, I don't know why that second part fails to happen so often.
The eating junk is also still a problem. It's at its worse when I work at nights in the theater. I get bored or anxious or... whatever and just want chocolate. I couldn't tell you the last day I didn't either have chocolate or skittles... or both. Now, when I tried to cut them out of my eating pattern completely I failed miserably. So, I am going to try and reduce them, but the important thing is...

I am giving up eating while walking.

It's stupid. I scarf [is that still the right way to spell that?] an entire piece of pizza and a candy bar in one walk and when I get to my destination a few blocks later, I still feel the need to eat. I have it in my head that if I'm walking and eating it 1. doesn't matter and 2. is a "snack" and so I still need to eat a full meal. This is problematic. So, the plan is, no more eating while walking. I'm even going to try not to do that in my apartment. You may be thinking, Sara, how big is your apartment? And, not thaaat big, but I often will eat a handful or two of animal crackers from the kitchen to my room. I eat them so fast that when I get to my room I am disappointed and need to go back to the kitchen to get more. And, I would just not buy them, but if I don't buy them at target for 2/3 the price, I'll end up buying them daily on my walks anyways. There is candy one step away at every corner in midtown.

Next week, when I'm unemployed I'm probably not going to leave the house much. There's no real reason to and it's much cheaper to stay inside. I'm paying rent and have a bed, I need to get my money's worth.

There's always more to talk about, but for now, back to the to-do list..

-mail x, y & z
-read Peter Hall's Diaries
-Finish "How to Run a Theater"
-Look up theaters with producing directors
-Write them all letters
-Apply to x, y, z, a, b...

and so on...


ps. 2011 is the year of weddings. Congratulations to the newest engaged Schae-Schae & Brett. xo. Can't wait to see you two at Christmas!!!

I like previews.

This summer I saw Thornton Wilder's Our Town for the first time. Oberlin's Summer Theatre did an excellent job of it and I had a great evening with my good friend, Lizzy. The set was simple (often, the most difficult to create) and it allowed the play to breathe. Last night I saw Will Eno'S MIDDLETOWN at the Vineyard Theatre. Let me prefix by saying this: I love the Vineyard. The people there are fabulous and I had the opportunity to observe a large portion of the preview process for a show last fall that I fell IN LOVE with. So, I have a certain expectation of the Vineyard. It is not to blow me away, but to give space and to believe that your audience is intelligent enough to get it, but your actors are talented enough to play it. And, the Vineyard did not disappoint.

In many ways, like I was warned, MIDDLETOWN was a bit of a 'modernized Our Town'. I had a lot of the same feelings throughout the shows. At no point was I surprised. There were a couple of times when I wondered which route would be chosen, but it was never an actual surprise. However, I was challenged, just a bit. What do I want out of life? Of course, I've thought about this often... especially during the time leading up to graduation and since. I can not remember a time when I didn't think about that... that, or what does life want out of me? It's not the same question.

The script was full of quotable text and I think it's a production worth doing for quite a few reasons.

1. So you have the script. I have intentions of acquiring it for my own bookshelf.
2. It gives room for a discussion during the show process for the people involved (and then later, the people viewing). We're all walking around with these stories, but sometimes we need a motivating reason to tell them. Plan to talk a little bit about the show afterward, you may need some digestion. It's not that we are all afraid to share our stories normally- some are, some aren't, but rather life, like a good essay, flows if one event leads into another.
3. It gives room to accept what is. Paraphrased: The sun doesn't know how hot it is, it just goes around being orange.
4. The 'searching tourists' have a point. It IS kind of fun sitting in the limited seating seats. You see a different show, it's something else and sometimes you just need that.
The things that have potential to be monumental...
5. It's nice seeing all the people you know on stage
5. It reminded me of my senior seminar life view presentation when I declared I want to fight the battle against loneliness. I think that's what all of this is about... the 'It Gets Better Campaign,' Imnotsorry.net, the rally, theatre... all these things that I believe in. I don't want any of us to have to be lonely.
6. It begins the way every show should begin and in many ways, it's a prologue without giving it all away. [This should probably be closer to the top because I loved it!]


In order to not give too much away, I'll let that be. My advice is this: Go see the show. For dates and such, visit the website... There are $20 rush tickets 2 hours before curtain (aka. 6:00pm). Don't go in with giant expectations of being blown away, just remain open and present. Give yourself room.


ps. This was one of the first times I've been excited to see someone I knew from movies on stage... I have only seen Heather Burns play fairly similar characters, but she does the niche incredibly well. And Georgia Engel!! The cast was stacked... in the best kind of way.

pps. I like previews because my brain isn't as harsh on the lighting designer since I know how much change happens between the first preview (this past Wednesday) and opening (November 3rd)

With the Lights On

"If it's the way you've always been doing it, you're probably doing it wrong" woke me up. I have so much to say about this, but I must sleep.
I shall continue to read and to listen in attempt to stay away from that void.


I have been somewhere new since a week ago yesterday. I know what I need to focus on. Monday will be filled with phone calls, reading, and self-reflection. I have it set for those things. There is so much to be and I am here. I am so far and so close that I am here.

I am alive and loved.





I feel good.

I leave something behind tomorrow and as I walk out the door I will reconnect with someone who helped me through so much of last Autumn. I am so excited to have her in the city for a bit <3. And, I'm designing a small show (10 day gig) and then it's into the unknown, but the known* is good, so I shall not predict it away.



*known until something changes... transforms.

So Much Present, So Much Future

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rally Dos and Don'ts
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

While talking to Lizzy this evening she suggested I look at the TIME of the rally, which had not been announced at the time I bought my tickets and low and behold... I was probably going to miss half of the rally. Thus, I bought a new ticket for the 29th. I am still leaving the 31st, but now I am arriving on the 29th in the late afternoon! This is extra exciting as it gives me time to spend with friend(s)!! Yay!

Just Dreaming

Confession:

Sometimes when I feel a little extra tired or unable to sleep I listen 70s soul, The Ohio Players, Isley Brothers, Al Green, Earth Wind & Fire, Luther Vandross, Marvin Gaye... to remind me that there's love and depth the the world. Mph.

FEAR

Make sure to watch to the end. The last line is the most important.

Divided, but closer to exhale

Locks of love requires 10+ inches of hair to donate it. So, when I realized I only had 9 inches to donate I became worried, but a hairdresser at the salon said she knew of a place, Hair That Cares, which only required 8 inches. So, after, at least, ten years of wanting to- I finally donated my hair! Woo!

I like my hair cut. It's cute. However, I also miss putting my hair up. I'm reading for it to be at least long enough for that again.

My favorite woman at The Daily Soup (241 West 54th Street, NY, NY) said she was also going to get a hair cut soon because "it changed her air". I know what she means.

Julia, the Ukrainian who cut my hair and I had a talk about all the changes in our lives and the release and changes that come with the cutting of one's hair. Sometimes when a certain amount seems to go wrong you just need to make a change. So, I did. Julia was a student at Prive and needed a 'hair model' for a bob [or a longer bob as I opted for]. Apparently a bob is the hardest haircut to do. It took an EXTENSIVE amount of time, but for half the price, at this salon attached to the SoHo Grand Hotel, I got a haircut with some detail. And! It was another great learning experience. I have had hair cuts by students quite a few times and every time I learn a little bit more about my hair and the way it all works.


On my way home from my haircut I received a response to an email I had sent earlier that day. I had an interview! It was for today and it went really well! I left knowing the director had a few other people to interview, but by mid-afternoon I had received a phone call, the job was mine. It's only a week long gig, but it's something and sometimes all you really need is something.


More to talk about, but time to leave work. To be continued...

Never ever watch the 10 o'clock news

I'm going here in one hour.

Now, if I am sad tonight, here's what I am supposed to remember:

I wanted a change.
I spend too much time being sad, make a conscious effort to enjoy something.
It doesn't matter if others like it or not... it doesn't really even matter if I like it, the idea is to be less attached to something so unimportant.

Besides, hair grows even after your dead.


I've been listening to this song a lot:


The world is ending, because it begins to end as soon as it begins, but it's not the end now, so let us MOVE.

Balance in the toolbox, not in the heart

Approximately 94% of the time I blog for myself.

Along with blogging, I journal. They're both therapeutic in their own way.

Blogging gives room for affirmation from others. Your tally counter (and now stats tab) suggests that there is someone out there who believes your thoughts are valuable... or at least they were directed to your page for some reason or another... The comment button even allows the person to articulate that. I do not receive many comments, but I assume it is less personal and more a result of nothing to say.

Blogging creates a wonderful archive of one's selves. While my journals reflect a slightly different collection of selves, Blogger is more organized than my various journals and small notebooks that hang out in my bags for things that are jotted, rather than written. I often go back through my blogs and reread what I wrote before. Sometimes I shake my head at myself, but often, I am reading because I am searching for encouragement from my previous being. Hey! Look! It got better! Hey! You really were happy... you didn't just remember it selectively.

While skimming over a blog or two from the past year and a half, I think that these recent... "less desirable emotions" make sense. If the world is supposed to stay balanced, they had to happen sometime.

My life is so filled with blessings:
Cooking for my mom
Friend Time and Perspective Last Fall
June
That time we spontaneously went camping!
And Countdowns!


I suppose those are just a few non-related examples. The moral of the story is that sometimes life will not only seem, but BE less than awesome. It's okay, it's just part of that balance. I could be wrong, but I think Something deemed in necessary some how. Oh Infinite, how you do tend to exhaust me.


In case you were wondering, this blog falls into that written-more-for-me-than-you section.

Because one is silver and other's gold

You know how sometimes you have something, be it a pair of jeans or shoes or a stuffed animal and you know you should get a new one(s), but you really just liked your old one(s) and don't feel like getting a new one because you'd just rather pout about how you miss the one(s) you had?

Well, I feel that way about a lot of not tangible things these days.



I know, I know, get out of the rut Goss, move on.




Working.




*Hums that Girl Scouts song, wishing it was just friends because she really felt good in those jeans*