I wish you could meet the person I imagine I am-- in the center. Instead you meet this bruised outer chaos. Ah, yes, she's extraordinary. I try so hard to bring her out now, but I suppose she got shy and hid away. In due time she will return. By then it'll probably be too late.
Truth is, I do believe in time. I just try to mutiny it because I despise the control it has and the pain it's caused."
If I was going to stick a post-it note on a door right now, that's what it would read.
I had a particularly rough night and became ridiculous. i was tired and now I am exhausted. It's so strange how difficult it is to be the person we envision ourselves to be. Some people think they are one person and are perceived a whole 'nother way and never realize it. I'm not sure how I am perceived here, but I think it's not how I want to be.
I talked to Aaron tonight about what it is that I am really missing... Sure, I miss people. I miss places and I miss events. But what I really miss is this one particular feeling. Well, there are plenty of feelings I miss, but this one I imagine being able to find more easily if I were in Holland or in Amherst. It's the feeling that overcomes me when sitting on my front porch at Timmer watching the people pass by. It's the feeling I get from playing in the rain with close friends/others... or perhaps even from laying in freshly cut grass in unexpected places. It's the feeling I get from laying on church library carpet. Like in The Giver I can close my eyes and recall bits of it... but not enough. I don't know where to find it, but when I do- I might just stay.
I always have to leave.
It's a new form of heart break.
It's the feeling of being in love with the world.
It's the essence of being one with the Earth.
It's being... just being.