Wednesday, September 10, 2008

AND they ate all my good cookies =(

There are many days when you have an excuse (or reason, depending who you ask) for being down. Sometimes feeling not-so-great comes from everyday sort of things like bad grades or burnt dinners. Other times the feelings are a result of big things like death or heartbreak. The other day I was even telling a couple of people that I like to just blame it on the day.
Person A:How are you?
Me: Ooooh, alright... it's just, just a lazy Sunday (or "another Tuesday" or "Wednesday, the middle of the week")... ya know?
Person A: Yeaaaa
or perhaps the conversation might be a bit of an Office Space reference
Person A: How's it going?
Me: Oooh, just another regular case of the Mondays
Person A: Ha. Yeah, know how that goes...
It's almost strange how regularly we have those blah days. Happy days are rare... or perhaps they're just rarely mentioned- I'm not sure. Yet, we are terribly surprised when someone says "really good!". I don't think I talked to a single person today who was have anything above of an "okay" day or was feeling better than a mildly stated "good". Sometimes I wonder if there's a fear in us that we won't fit in with all the people who are tired, overwhelmed, upset, frustrated, meh, or blah if we are pretty good. Actually, I'm not sure if that's it at all. Perhaps "okay" and that moderately stated "good" are default and until something stimulates us, we will continue floating through in the middle. All of nature seeks a medium.

Today wasn't a medium day though, it was a step below. I told Jo this afternoon that I felt "muddled". I had an okay day yesterday, unproductive, but social in a low-key sort of way. But today I woke up on the couch (I'm trying not to catch my roommate's cold) and wanted nothing more than to sleep the day away. I have been trying to go to all my classes (haven't missed one yet this semester) so I didn't. I made my way through geology lecture and started to get worried for the first test next week. Then I visited Rob before dance class. Every mwf I visit with Rob, Joe or Sarah at the Dow (one of them is always working) instead of going to chapel. It's really nice and I enjoy the conversation. I was talking with Rob about how every time I take a dance class I find myself, after 2-3 weeks wondering why I signed up. I am not a dancer... I feel frustrated when I don't pick up the dances as quickly as everyone else. My muscle memory isn't as good and I still can't remember what 1/2 the terms mean. Yet, I go. The class has a lot of supportive (unlike past dance classes) dancers and Linda (our professor) is wonderful. So I suppose it's alright, I just don't always feel like going... Afterwards I took a 2-hour nap instead of doing homework. I woke up, ate lunch and made cookies. I ate too much cookie dough and then felt terribly sick all through practice. We did a 5x1000 workout and I was on for the first 3, but was slightly slower (5s) than I should have been for the last 2. After practice I laid in the grass for quite awhile. I talked to Jo before I left and told her how I felt muddled. I don't know if it's a result of the way yesterday ended or my disappointment at to how few people I'll see this weekend or perhaps it's simply the lack of purpose I've felt lately.
I feel as though I'm heavily lacking an identity. Sure, I'm a runner, but I'm not going to be an All-American and I'm not going to run professionally. Yeah, I'm a theatre major, but I don't know what to do with that. And I'm a daughter and a sister and a friend, but I don't know what to do with any of those things either.
I feel like I was a river and someone came and shook up all the sediment on the bottom. There are all these pieces of other things which had settled together on the bottom and while they usually move when the current picks up, then they have a direction for their movement. This time there's an uncertainty... and no direction. Something has shaken the water, but not enough to move the sediment to a new location and discreetly enough that no one's sure what's caused the water to become so unclear and- murky. All I know is I can't see where I'm going, if I'm going anywhere at all.

All I want to do is close my eyes until there are some answers.

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