Godot

I am thankful for days when we can all keep calm, confident, and laughing.


Here's to hoping tomorrow is similar regardless of my intention of pulling an all nighter.

xoxo.

Feeling the way cotton candy tastes

Yesterday was filled with grand conversations. I am so grateful for a roommate who talks and listens... and who tolerates me jumping into her bed when I get home at 2:30 am.

I am thankful for the wonderful people I meet. I met more interesting people at the airport and once back in Chicago had a great conversation with a friend from New York yesterday. I think I am on the right track and am now just hoping that I'll make the right decisions to create positive change, love, and not starve or sleep in the cold.

I am thankful for great siblings. My brother even went back to the place with the delicious breakfast tacos [you missed out, ed ;)] to pick up the coat I brilliantly left there on the way to the airport. I am thankful for my sister and Jeff letting me spend a bit of time in their place before getting on the road and I am thankful for how beautiful Chicago is at night. I've never left the city so late at night, but the traffic was much lighter and the cityscape was spectacular.

I am also thankful for beautiful poetry and the butterflies associated with "A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me".

Saturday

Today I spent a wonderful day with my brother. I am thankful for interesting furniture stores, good deals at second hand stores, delicious food, kayaks and kayaking, naps, perfectly seasoned pizza, and not dropping my camera into the water.

I am also thankful for my wonderful friends. I said bye to Jess today since I am leaving in the morning and every time I see her I am reminded more and more how amazing she is <3 Now if only we could find some elephants... and maybe a 3-toed sloth.

Fry Day Boil

Today I'm specifically thankful really good big brothers... more specifically, mine.

And sunshine. I'm thankful for sunshine, perfect strawberries, sidewalk chalk, and really funny small children.

Fractions of a Whole

I am thankful for

Amazing friends... particulary ex-neighbors
Gentlemen
Happy mothers
Boys who treat my amazing friends properly
Cookies
Sleeping
Cuddly kittens
Bars with bathrooms hidden behind bookcases
Sunshine
Good Drivers
Hugs

"You only kindasortareally make my heart flutter"

I am so incredibly blessed.

Today's rainy morning was filled with productivity, pleasant thoughts, and a wondrous phone call with my favorite Melissa. Watching Bullitt [1968 movie with Steve McQueen, Jacqueline Bisset & Robert Vaughn] with my brother and his friends was fun- and included cake! I had a chance to talk to my parents. My brother and I bagged leaves- which I know doesn't sound like something to be too thankful for, but it was fun and we didn't make too, too big of a mess. And then there was a lovely phone call followed by posting of pictures on facebook. And tomorrow shall be another fabulous day!

I like this world.

My Neighbor

I sort of feel as though today's thank you's should be given exclusively to whatever great force finally got me to Texas to see my incredibly amazing friend Jessica (and Beth as she is now down here too!). We caught up and laughed and had a wonderful lunch [and ice cream, mmmmmm....]. I don't know if anyone remembers that time around high school when there were a lot of days when I felt like I had no real friends and they were all acquaintances, well, Jessica was an exception. And, I think I have just had all those feelings of lacking made up for in amazing friends ten fold in the last three years.

Today I had quality conversation with Jackie, Meghan, Jessica, Beth, and Julie. During my conversations with all of them I sensed a sense of confidence and assurance in the world. We are all fairly uncertain about what's to come, but there was such vigor and purpose in the speech. It moves me. Given, I am still not sure where I am going to end up or what my life means. I have a fairly decent idea of where I want to end up. I am applying to quite a few places back in New York, but I am looking at a fair number of other places too. I am aiming to be within a few hours of family members [New York being the exception]. Anyone who knows me would atest to the fact that I am not a homebody, but at the same time, my family is great and unless something with an incredibly strong pull comes along, I see no reason not to stay within a reasonable distance of someone. By having people in Texas, Colorado, Ohio, California, and Florida... it makes it a bit easier to say all of this; I probably wouldn't say it if it limited me to Ohio. Of course, the US as a whole isn't thaaaat big- so most places are in some sort of "reasonable distance". Right?


At the end of the day, what I am trying to say, is that I am thankful for my friends being happy and less and less lost. I find the most amazing people throughout my life and seeing them encouraged does more for me than even I would have imagined.

Case of the Monday(s)

I wish Mondays always felt this good. Then again, if I always had this kind of focus even less work would get done.

I'm extra thankful for:
sleeping in
text messages even warmer than R11 or 03 or 08 or...
Melissa and Schae-schae listening to me babble on and on [about slightly different things]
And both of them giving me great things to think about
[amazing friends]
Short runs in warm (but not too warm) temperatures
Being in Texas
My brother, who is awesome and letting me stay with him this week

Warm Fuzzies Galore

Weekend 1 of spring break was incredible. I can't imagine how it could have been any better... there was even vegan chocolate cake! And double snacks on the airplane! And pickles! I met some wonderful new people that make me wish I lived in Texas just so I could spend more time with them... as if I needed additional people to make me wish that. I'm having a hard time remembering the last time I felt this crazy, tingling happiness.

I am now at my brother's house in Houston with hopes of getting great feats accomplished tomorrow.

Now, to sleep. <3

Acrostic 1: SB

St. Patrick's Day silliness
Printers with giraffes next to them
Really good sauce, pasta, broccoli, spinach, and a dinner I didn't have to make
Infinity
Napping
Good drivers

Break signals
Radio stations playing songs good enough to dance to while in traffic
Escaping
Austin, Houston, Chicago [and all the people I'm going to see there]
Kites. I didn't do anything with one today, but I'm thankful they exist. I have lots of good memories with them.

Anna Jo and Jeff letting me stay with them here in Chicago
Discussions with my mom
Vaginas and Jains sounding alike. I mean no disrespect, but it makes their beliefs about women's cycles funnier
Excellent parallel parking on the first try
New friends
Trees
Understanding financial management today and the homework due
Running [and stopping to sit on benches]
Electric wheelchairs- and driving behind them. They're crazy complex
SXSW?

Maybe later

Remember those poems you used to write where it was a word vertical and other words horizontal. In the near future I'd like to pretend to be in second grade and write one. In the meantime, I'm thankful for:


Running with Meghan
Sunshine
Flowers
Green grass
Good conversations
Phone calls
Drinking in the afternoon
Water
Librarians
Joanne
Reading
Renewing old friendships
More good conversations
Successful run-throughs
Non-violence techniques for change

Keep It Simple

I am thankful for sleep, sunshine, friends, and being okay.

I also sent out another resume today. Three cheers for that.

The Ides

I just paid for the last full month in my Michigan residence. After this there's one half month to pay and that's it... then we go elsewhere. At least four of my five housemates know what city they're moving to in May. I, on the other hand, am not so sure. I miss New York and am quite interested in moving back, but am not going to go without a job. I'm not necessarily against moving elsewhere, but the "success" I had there is encouraging.

The tricky part about figuring out what comes next is that in order to decide I must first figure out what I want. My sister and I talked about this a lot this weekend. It was incredibly beneficial to talk with someone whom I know I align priorities with. So I'm still working on figuring out what I want, but it's less scary if I continue to remember that what I want right now does not have to be what I want a year from now or ten years from now. Of course, that's why the year-long commitments intimidate me, I'm not even sure what I want for a summer, how can I know what I want for a year? I know I do not want to 'settle' or for others to think that I have failed, but if anyone knows me at all, I won't settle for anything- particularly failure. Whatever happens, there will be changes. I just need to trust in this, send out applications to everything I could ever imagine wanting and hope that the one that I will enjoy the longest will call me back...


This weekend I was extra thankful, but I didn't post it. I was too busy living wonderfulness to write about it. My sister [yay!] came up this weekend and went to closing night of my show. It was a wonderful show and I thought that it was the best I had seen it run. The audience was strong and laughter was plentiful. They were still a little slow on the Dogberry jokes, but hey, at least most of them realized it in time. Perhaps I find it funny earlier because I know it's coming?
My sister and I ate at CityVu and one of the wonderful people of my senior seminar was there [she's the manager] so that was wonderful! My sister and I ate delicious food. I think I will be taking people there a bit more often. They're green, friendly, and tasty in one wonderfully decorated restaurant. After the show my sister and I went back to my house and talked, did a tiny bit of job browsing and just enjoyed our company. My wonderful roommate was accommodating as usual [I wish I could keep these housemates post-graduation]. The next morning my sister and I skipped the run, ate breakfast, and then I dropped her off in Michigan City. We had impressive timing and managed to even get in another meal before the train. I drove back and went to strike where the actors were amazingly helpful and we cleared out a large percent of the fixtures in the catwalks. It would have been painful without them. The rest of strike went well, but my body is always tired the next morning from hanging off the cats. And that, my friend, brings us to today. I slept in a bit, ate some cereal [I love cereal] and now need to be productive before a run and more striking of Dewitt.

I hope you all had wonderful weekends as well.
xoxo.

BookEnd

Thank goodness for today and yesterday and for getting to sleep.
more on that later. xoxo.

The Future Freaks me out (so I think of today)

Things to be thankful for:
"The Last Five Years"
Wearing my green skirt and no coat today! Beautiful!
Having conversations so that grumpiness is back to friendship
High Schoolers. It's true, we do keep getting older and they stay the same age.
Conversations with Jackie Ellis.
A fairly successful lighting design presentation and productive production meeting
Reading a page of Dramaturgical Sensibility and realizing I'm too tired for this.
Stuffing programs with wonderful dancers
Dancers in general
My friends going to see my show <3
Missing Olga and Jana. Maybe some day I'll make it to the Ukraine...
Naps
Casey! Who brings joy to my life every time I see her
Only one week until Texas!
Getting to see my sister TOMORROW!!

The Sound of Thunder

Last night I came home from work with a strange sense of restless energy. I talked Amy's and Nick's ears off, obviously improving their nights with silliness involving cuddling, condoms, story time, and the Flight of the Concords. Eventually I let them be and went upstairs to attempt to fall asleep. It took quite the while and so I should have re-awoken and wrote my list of thanks, but I was determined to fall asleep... so here it is now:


I am going to have a pen pal!
My roommate's awesome dedication to Model UN
The AMAZING downpours I walked in... soaked to the skin, but happy
Finally catching up with Schae-schae a bit. I miss my best friend.
The women in career services who helped me realize that all the decisions I have to make are really just a million great opportunities.
Julie. It's rare to find such wonderful friends who really understand you, but I guess I'm just really, really blessed.
Walking back from the Knick with Radha :)
My Senior Seminar class listening to my stories and supporting each other. Sometimes it takes four years to realize half the rest of the world feels just as out of place as you. Hopefully this will help me to remember to open up at the right times in the future. There are so many wonderful people out there.
Avery and her "ghetto girl strut", the baby Jalicious, and soul music
Nick and Amy laughing with me
New running shoes
Taking off wet socks
Doing my best to be okay.

A Vision of Seeing Things Straight [Light]

Apparently my dream already exists, but I didn't know about it when I was in New York. I suppose it is just one more reason to return now.

I also find it so interesting that it is called "The Moth" considering the piece I wrote 3 years ago called "The Moth". It was three years ago and as much as I know now, I knew something of great importance and sadness back then.


"It was a great mistake, my being born a man. I would have been much more successful as a sea gull or a fish. As it is, I will always be a stranger who never feels at home, who does not really want and is not really wanted, who can never belong"
-Eugene O'Neill

I hope Eugene changed his mind. Three years ago I said that was me too, but thinking about it a little more seriously, I do not believe I'd be a very good sea gull or fish. I wouldn't mind trying to be a dragon fly for awhile though. I might be good at that.





Today was incredibly productive.
I am thankful my legs let me do another four mile run today in my shoes which my parents bought me this past weekend.
I am thankful my mind got a bit a reprieve when I stopped midrun to walk by the water and then swing for awhile.
I am thankful that on the way to the swingset I stepped in wet ground so I could remember what spring meant and feel the funny mush in my shoes. It's not my favorite feeling, but I appreciate the memories it brings.
I am grateful for a productive meeting about lighting for Behind the Uniform. The design may take some work, but I have a good feeling about it.
I am thankful for the quietness of the third floor of the library and how many wonderful resources are at my fingertips for research.
I loved today's weather of slightly overcast high 40s uncertainty.
I am relieved by my doctor's appointment and the general encouragement by the people there.
I am thankful for my parents. They are awesome.

And I am extra thankful today for Amy who makes delicious chicken pockets and rice and shares them. I was ignoring real meals today for the sake of productivity and in order to write this 6 page paper I am about to start, I needed some deliciousness in my tummy.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Saying Yes

Apparently my dream already exists, but I didn't know about it when I was in New York. I suppose it is just one more reason to return now.



Today was incredibly productive.
I am thankful my legs let me do another four mile run today in my shoes which my parents bought me this past weekend.
I am thankful my mind got a bit a reprieve when I stopped midrun to walk by the water and then swing for awhile.
I am thankful that on the way to the swingset I stepped in wet ground so I could remember what spring meant and feel the funny mush in my shoes. It's not my favorite feeling, but I appreciate the memories it brings.
I am grateful for a productive meeting about lighting for Behind the Uniform. The design may take some work, but I have a good feeling about it.
I am thankful for the quietness of the third floor of the library and how many wonderful resources are at my fingertips for research.
I loved today's weather of slightly overcast high 40s uncertainty.
I am relieved by my doctor's appointment and the general encouragement by the people there.
I am thankful for my parents. They are awesome.

And I am extra thankful today for Amy who makes delicious chicken pockets and rice and shares them. I was ignoring real meals today for the sake of productivity and in order to write this 6 page paper I am about to start, I needed some deliciousness in my tummy.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

All Three Things

Today was so very beautiful. I woke up and dressed like I was back in the city and went to a fairly interesting lecture on Confucianism. I feel as though I am constantly in classes thinking about the best way to approach the after life. In the Analects Confucius talks about not leaving your parents and if they die mourning them for three years. There's more to it than that, but it was in that context that we talked about leaving our parents and being able to be there for them when they grow old. Confucius would probably be against nursing homes, but I think they can be good, even safer and healthier for many. It is a strange thought. Sooner than we imagine we, our friends, our siblings, our parents... will be that age when we can not take care of ourselves and eventually we will take that final exhale and not have to any more.

After religion I went to the library to print out the Royal Court application. I am applying for a job at my dream theatre that I know hundreds or thousands more qualified applicatants will apply for. I'm okay with that. I a little less than an hour until my next class so I went to the third floor of the library and sat in the sunny spot by the windows with my financial management flashcards. It didn't help my test score, but the quietness helped my spirit.

I went to senior seminar where we had our usual interesting discussions and went home to study some more. I took the management exam and knew it would not be a score I would want, but was glad just to have it done with. It's turned in. There's nothing more to do about that. I'd like to say I'll be more diligent with our future chapters, but I started to read Chapter 9 for Thursday and was annoyed in the first two pages. It's simply not something that grabs me anymore. It's too bad...

I took a short nap instead of running and got up to make dinner. Sadly I had to throw some things out because a random 60 degree day may make you happy, but it make the garage an ineffective refrigerator. In the spirit of things I decided I needed to make room for myself in the fridge. I gathered the housemates that were home and they let me know their claimed spot and I threw out plenty of things which were lost in the back and now there is room for me to go grocery shopping. Tomorrow I will have more than crescent rolls and peanut butter for dinner. I must admit, the clean fridge and the dishes done makes me feel accomplished... and a little less guilty about the financial management reading.

I love that I was able to spend time with my housemates today. Even if the most of the time was cleaning the fridge, their (mostly) good natures are blessings.

AND we had story time tonight! Meghan, Amy, and Jackie (slightly against her will) sat with me as I read "The Three Questions" to them. Ah, I really wish I could make a living being a story time lady. I love reading stories.

And on that note, I'm off to sleep or do something productive to try and avoid stress tomorrow.

xoxo.

Moo With Me

My friend Ed just updated his blog with an entry about accomplishing great things by embracing the reality of failure.

I have a lot to learn and plenty of room to grow. I aspire to have this frame of mind and will be reflecting on it a lot in the upcoming weeks. I have been thinking about the other side of this [the negativity and fear that surround failure] and perhaps now...

More thanks, stories someday

I am so thankful to have this spring break adventure coming up! I believe Ed said it's around 272ish hours until we see each other! Austin and Houston... wonderful :)

I am thankful for the wonderful run Andi and I did in the sun today. I wore shorts and even did abs and a little bit of lifting afterwards. I also did this odd game on the bike for five minutes that passed the time quickly.

Thank goodness I finally have a telephone I can make calls on. My housemates were incredibly generous about letting me use their phones, but it's nice to not have to rely on them. However, I will now be texting less and when I do it shall be ridiculously slow.

I am also thankful for the ability to stay calm during my 'meh' performance on my religion midterm.

And I am thankful for the understanding of my roommate and the laughter that Amy and Jackie just shared with me. Oh 1 Corinthians 11:6. Take you out of context and you are much sillier and less offensive.

West 48

It's been a good weekend. My parents came up and we spent quality time together. They are pretty amazing... and supportive for that matter. Theatre followed by martinis and chicken ceaser pizza at 84 East... Is there a better way to spend a Saturday night? Breakfast at the Windmill, running into Rachel and Sam, and buying new running shoes is the best way to follow-up such a lovely night.

It's a good feeling... now to write a few essays and attempt to study...

Dear God, Thank you for...

Yesterday:
Flowers from my parents
A wonderful opening night and opening night party
Feeling truly happy for a bit on my walk home from the party
Breathing

Today:
Being productive while not getting out of bed
My parents coming into town
The earrings I bought as a gift
Job searching and submitting another application!
Wheat Things

Adventures in the Library

Coca-Cola Rabbi.
I reccommend reading the commentary at the bottom for their may be a few flaws in the article, but overall it's really interesting. My favorite part is:
In 1907, Rabbi Geffen accepted a pulpit position in Caton, Ohio. But his wife found the place too cold. So in 1910, with his wife and five children...



I am thankful for friends... real ones.

Listening to the Remainder

I am thankful for the ability to exhale.

20 great things about today:
1. Amazing books at the library (The Royal Court Theatre Inside and Out, The Letters of Samuel Beckett, Toward a Dramaturgical Sensibility, Peter Hall's Diaries)
2. Elle. She let me borrow her flashlight
3. Hugs
4. Mindy/Listening to Mister Rogers!!
5. 5/6 people in my house being awake before 7:30
6. Meghan and I working together to get our bums out of bed. hah.
7. Getting my excel done and turned in before 9A without any running
8. Sweatpants and long underwear keeping me warm
9. Way overdue cuddle time, stories and laughter with Tim
10. Imagining great adventures
11. Acknowledging my fear of failure [lack of worth]. It's the first step...
12. Nap time!
13. Finishing the channel hook-up
14. Successful Day 1 of not eating at the Kletz
15. Speeding AND efficient meetings for presentations
16. Feeling more confident about my upcoming design in a flexible space!
17. Learning that while "poon tang" is the more common spelling (and pronunciation depending on your region), the Online Slang Dictionary (American and English) spells it "poo tang"
18. The wonderful actors and crew of Much Ado About Nothing. They are indeed fabulous.
19. Spaghetti
20. The Sun and the warmth and happiness that, in turn radiates from the people

Everything's Alright

"To be nobody, but yourself in a world which is doings its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." - ee cummings

If I were honest I'd tell you:

I'm tired.
I think manipulation is lame.
I wish I ran more.
I need to buy new running shoes.
I wish I could read minds; I spend too much time guessing how you feel.
I don't know how to intentionally cut people out of my life, but I wish I knew how. I wish I could even just stop myself from contacting them...
I have high expectations and believe in great amounts and next to nothing depending on where the sun is in the sky.
My left shin hurts when walking.
Most days I don't like t.v. and the way it interrupts me makes me passive aggressive.
I hate shoes.
Spring break feels too far away.
I don't like being cold.
I'm really uncertain about what I want to do with my life and am feeling too scared to apply anywhere. I didn't realize it was fear until today. I thought it was just lack of time. But in truth, I am tired of rejection and don't want to deal with any more. I'm approaching that point when I don't even want to try.

I'd rather be barefoot and camping living in a sense of enlightenment that I never have to come down from. . . and exhale.


I'm sorry. I won't feel this way later.

Heads and Tails

Thank ye, thank ye, thank ye...

Sometimes I wish we used "ye" instead of "you". You can't say it without a fun look upon your face.


Amy's impression of the following made my night:


Along with this, other wonderful things of the day:
Amy speaking french
Seeing Amy helping Meghan with french and knowing that my beautiful, brilliant friend is going into the right profession
Sleeping soundly in the chapel hallway
My senior seminar okaying me to go home and sleep. This need was frustrating because I was very prepared for the class, but I was not awake enough to function.
Making progress on lighting paperwork
The girl at the library understanding what a rush I was in
Getting out of theatre in time to work on the excel homework... bah!



It's strange. I'm experiencing this great deal of apathy for certain things a few years too late... this might have been more useful in earlier college years or high school. In any news, today was filled with lovely people and not so lovely feelings. I just can't do these 45 minutes of sleep nights any more if I want to function well the next day. My left shin and right knee bugged me all day too. I would say more, but I am just thankful that my other shin and knee [plus both of my femurs] are still working!

If the coin says you lose... flip the coin.

I eat a lot of pretzels.

Monday. Day 13?
I have this strange feeling I'm going to be a bit off count for most of Lent. Oops.



If I ever did these lists in order of the greatest things of that particular day [that was different than the day before] SUNSHINE would have to be at the top of my list today. It was sunny out and goodness! It was fantastic.
Andi and I went on a run and thankfully she carried the weight of the conversation because otherwise I don't think I could have kept up the pace that was already slowing down my speedy friend.

Other things to be thankful for...
-Being remembered
-My sister and her flexibility, understanding, and wonderfulness
-Julie for giving me this purple and gray shirt
-Meghan and I's conversation until 2:30 last night when I tried to go to bed at midnight
-Housemates who don't take you toooo seriously when you sent them ridiculous emails at 2A
-Jackie listening when she should be being productive and for letting me borrow her phone since my phone is incompetent
-The whole house for listening as I try to make simple decisions <3
-Lasagna with less calories than peanut butter M&Ms
-York Peppermint Patties
-Permission to skip the production meeting
-Second and Third winds
-Sweatshirts
-Water colors
-My legs for letting me run all 35 minutes
-Stretching
-Booster seats so you can see over the monitors
-Being able to be helpful [sometimes]
-The flower[!!!] pedals that are beginning to sneak up



Okay. As always there are plenty of other things, but it's 2:30A, my hands are cold, and I still have things to do before bed... or 8A financial management... whichever comes first.

Sunday Sundays

My freshman and [half of] my sophomore year I was on meal plan. In Phelps [our dining hall] the food was sub-par on Sundays. Sunday nights they had an ice cream bar so the dinner in general was referred to as "Sunday Sundays". Sometimes that was all that you really wanted to waste your time eating. I didn't go too terribly often, but a little bit of me missed Sunday Sundays tonight. I ate a lot of chocolate instead. I am wondering if that is why, despite only having five hours of sleep last night and working a 9 out of 11 I'm still awake.


Last night I stayed up talking to my roommate's bff, Erin. She's wonderful and we had a really great conversation. New friends aren't as common now-a-days [due to limited time and people], but when good ones come along, they are DEFINITELY something to be thankful for.
...as are things as rare as good techs. AND feeling incredibly positive leaving those good techs.
Surely Noah and Jackie singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as we exited Dewitt had something to do with it.
The good attitudes of the actors in general were encouraging
Getting right out of bed and having time to eat breakfast while sitting is always a great way to start a day and not being late just makes it all the better.
Conversation dates with Andi, despite this particular time being less than 30 minutes, are so appreciated. She made me remember why I miss track. She's so wonderful. I think we might go running together tomorrow! She's so wonderful <3
Remember that time I watched almost all of the movie "Being There"? Today Richard and I talked about it and he recommended another movie to me since I enjoyed "Being There". When someone knows as much about good film as Richard does, you should take their advice.
I am, as always, thankful for my great housemates. I may get frustrated at the dishes... and we should probably vacuum, but I love them all the same.
Jeri and my other real friends are pretty awesome too.
I'm also thankful for another lighting designer with a sense of humor and empathy. Today I lost a sense of the time due to the productivity [and pretzel sticks]. This does not happen often and I am always thankful when I can get pleasantly lost in something.
I am thankful to God for helping to get me here and to the Holy Spirit for flowing even more than the wind does.

xoxo.