Somebody's sleeeeeepy

When I was 15 I fully believed that by the time I was 20 I would be less insecure.


I was wrong.



-----------------------

In other news I have had a great winter break so far. I haven't hung out with some of the friends I thought I had as much as I thought I would, but I have hung out with other people that have made it a great transitional break. As I grow more anxious for this upcoming semester, I pay less attention to the now and more attention in the preparation for later. I think this directly affects (in a positive sort of way) my disappointment of not having people to hang out with (when this happens) because there's always something to do. This also helps me spend more time the way I should: appreciating the wonderful people who put effort forth. I have had the chance to hang out with Alexis... Jill... Melissa, Molly... I have spent some great time with my family over this break and my sister has let me, as usual, hang out with her wonderful friends. Today's afternoon and evening activities have exhausted me so much that I will have to promise you further details in the future because I am too tired to type them and add the pictures now. Although I can tell you that I appreciate fun people inviting me along on their adventures... especially when they involve Macaroni or the grocery store.

I am off to bed. Tealla has been wonderful enough to encourage me to go running with her throughout this break. If it weren't for her I might not fit into my sweatpants, haha.
I hope you all had wonderful holidays.



If you're in the Northern Ohio area and would like to spend quality time with quality people, you can come over and play with us if you want. We're having a play date (or a game night as some might call it) which will probably be comprised of more talking than game playing, but hopefully game playing will ensue. It's on Tuesday at my house at 8:00. If you don't know where I live, ask. I'll be terribly happy to see you; I'm sure I don't see you enough.

Seven Years Ago

The first time you return from college your freshman year is mind-boggling. Everything feels so strange (or doesn't, and you're confused because you thought it was supposed to). You want to see everything and everyone just to make sure they're real... and to see if they notice the change. You've changed... or you think you've changed. After all, you've met all these people and you have done these new things, perhaps even things you said you'd never do. As a 3rd year, I know I've changed, but I know it's often hard to see and if they can't, then to them I haven't and thus, it's settled. Anyways, that first year you go back to the high school to see your underclassmen friends and old teachers. I was always a bit reluctant about when to go, not wanting to bug them when they had lots of other things on the to-do list. As we grow we realize how long the teacher's to-do list almost always is. Well, over most breaks I return to the high school, but I go just to run. I walk into the school just as far as the first lobby, where the girls meet. I need running buddies to get me out the door, even if I know less than half of their names.
I went to run with the girls yesterday, but had to leave early to pick up my sister. The 15 minutes I ran hurt bad enough that I considered napping instead of running today. Yet, I talked to Jessica and changed my mind. I quickly put on my purple tights and long sleeve T's and met up with the ladies in the lobby for a run that would end up being longer than I planned, but wonderful in that I like talking with Jess. As I stood there I saw a couple of old runners (and by old, I mean veteran, but still younger than me) and Molnar walked up from the hallway. It's been awhile since we've seen each other! She had been talking to Mr. Haber. Now, I know I still look pretty similar to my high school self and Mr. Haber looked like himself, but it still felt like it'd been a long time. We quickly caught up. Well, I didn't hear much about him, but I told him about London. As soon as he walked away I wanted to ask about his daughters. They must be "real people size" now. He encouraged me to visit when I return from London. I think I might... mostly just to see pictures of his daughters. Sometimes seeing people's kids grow up is just a strange awakening of how old I am. I encourage it, but I am not sure if I like it. Sometimes it'll just hit me, if he/she is a seventh grader, that must mean I am not. And I know I am not a 7th grader, but sometimes I identify so well with my 7th grade (or other) self, that I need a reminder of just how far removed she is.

After Mr. Haber left I realized I really needed to at least say hi to Mrs. Moluse. After all, I she is my favorite teacher (Haber's probably a close second... along with Allis). The poem I referenced in the blog application, she shared that poem with me. There is also one by E.E. Cummings that I still need to re-find.... I asked where the girls were running to, planning on catching up with them after they started their run, and ran down the hall (with Molnar) to see if I could find Mrs. Moluse. Well, low and behold, she was in the atrium. She turned and saw me running, but I had to say her name twice. When she realized it was me she informed me she thought I was just one of the regular kids. Yeah, I blend in... even with a grown-up body in purple tights. We talked for a bit and I told her about London. It was so fun having someone be almost as excited as me. haha. So often at school everyone else has studied abroad or ever 3rd friend has or will be soon, so the excitement of it is gone. There's a slight possibility she might come out to London. My life would be made if we met up in London...

I saw Aaron wrestle on Sunday. He always makes me nervous. It's lame. I still love wrestling. I took pictures on Alexis's camera, but they're still on her camera.

Last night I went to the choir concert with my mom and we sat two rows behind some of my favorite people: Shannon, Clay, Clay's mom, Amy, Anne... you get the idea <3 When the alumni were on stage for madrigals and then concert choir, my heart was warm. They all sing so beautifully. It was wonderful to see so many people I knew and that mattered to me. Given, living in Michigan it is difficult to keep up with all of them... or sometimes any of them. Yet, I felt the need to say hi to every other person whose name I knew... something about them...

That choir concert always gets me :)

If nothing else, the point of this entry is that there is still something special about going back. People are sacred. The people who mattered to you so much while you were there will typically still warm your heart. They cared and they invested time and energy in you. I hope that I become something great so the accumulative investment is worthy and noticeable. Or perhaps it's not about that all. I'd venture to say that it is as simple as: I am blessed.

Chocolate Fondue and JFK, "Right on the lake"

My mother was pseudo-pouting about something and my sister said "We don't need to feel sorry for she's writing with a candy cane pen". My dad had brought me home a candy cane pen which I had declined a few times. What was I going to do with a candy cane pen? Yes, yes, I know, write with it. This is why it's nice having it around the house and not just in my pen container, so it adds to the holiday cheer. Anyways, my mom was writing with it and my sister suggests that I bring a carton of these candy cane pens with me to London to give out. This is when my mom chimes in, "Oh yeah, what are you going to take to make friends?" I just lower my head (haha).
I think she read it in a book somewhere that you should bring something about yourself- a conversation piece or something, but I do usually bring things places in hopes of making friends. I was the girl who brought a chocolate fondue fountain to college just to make friends. Yes, it worked. It made me popular at my "first real college party" that Halloween. Then I walked around with a "Free Hug" sign freshmen year to get hugs. I brought my flute to a church retreat and played it in an elevator; I met some great people. I hadn't brought the pumpkin to Chicago to make friends, but I made them anyways.
Hmm... suggestions on what I should bring to London?


As I was starting to write this entry, my sister said, "What to bring when just being yourself isn't enough". My mom then replied, "No, no, what to bring when being yourself is too much". ouch. <3

"Draft"

This entry was written in December. I'm never going to finish it so I'll just post it now. It's the first of Feb.
------------------------------------------------------


I hate being lonely.


-Play well with others
-Get that GPA back up...

Worries for London
weather: http://golondon.about.com/od/planningyourtrip/qt/weather.htm





"i shook my tambourine the whole time, because it helped me remember that even though i was going through different neighborhoods, i was still me." j.s. foer

"And don't spend your time looking around for something you want that can't be found. When you find out you can live without it and go along not thinking about it, I'll tell you something true- the bear necessities of life will coome to you, they'll come to you..."

"Keep On Keepin' On"

For those of you who don't know, I have two siblings. My brother 26 year old brother, Justin is a geologist in Houston, Texas. My 24 year old sister, Anna Jo is in a master of arts and art therapy program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. The program is fascinating to say the least. The following video was created by two of the people in her program of their Fall Semester Exhibition. It's their Body of Work and Materials in Media class. All of the students were working with materials and media not commonly used in art therapy today that they could possibly use with future clients. At the same time they were also creating some beautiful pieces of work. I encourage you to view the video below:


MAAT 10 - Fall semester exhibition from Michal Angel on Vimeo.

Many of the projects you have to hear the artist (or at least my sister) explain, but they include a giant piano made out of bubble wrap, paper made out of vegetables, finger puppets that require multiple fingers, and ink prints of shadows. These projects are all wonderfully complex and time consuming. And everything was hand made (of course) and is usable for art therapy purposes. If nothing else, it makes me want to go to more art openings... or an art opening for that matter!


My end of the semester wasn't quite as pretty looking as Anna Jo's, nor as exhausting. However, it was the most difficult I've encountered; I'm still recovering. The grades came out and weren't quite what I wanted, but tolerable. I'm not focusing on next semester, which will be fun, new and a tad bit chaotic. I also recently discovered that I have 3 classes on Tuesday totaling at 7 hours. This is gross no matter what, but we're just going to hope that the one professor I have for all 7 hours is pretty stellar. It's a long time to spend with one professor. Ikes. Add loving her to my list of to dos for this upcoming semester! The rest of the list will be coming soon...

Sara Saturday lives in the Land of Make Believe

Often I live vicariously through other people... relationships places
In London I imagine I won't... I will be living for me... I wonder what that will be like...

"Growing Up is more fun than Grown Up"

Today I received some more interesting news. Apparently I do not have a spring break while in London. I have two days open after midterms, but that's it. Some people do a lot of traveling while they are abroad, I will probably not be one of them. I will go to some places, but my list will definitely be shorter. That is okay though, there is plenty of excitement to be found in London.


I officially received my class schedule today. My internship is not on it, but it will be on two days, either Monday, Wednesday or Friday. I am hoping it will be Wednesday and one of the other two. That way I'll have an easier time taking trips.

(A room at the residence hall I will live in
Photo Compliments of IES Website)

It goes as follows:


Tuesday:
10:30-12:30 TH390 Playwriting Workshop
2:00-4:30 TH350 Theatre Performance
5:00-7:30 TH 355 The Theatre Industry Inside and Out

Thursday:
10:00-12:30 DR355 Theater in London: Text and Performance
Night time For 9 weeks we will see plays for DR 355 every Thursday night

Monday, Wednesday, Friday:
More details to come IN395 Internship Seminar

I have been looking at the time table for the schedule for all of the classes and part of me is yearning for the knowledge that is able to be acquired in so many of the other classes: Literature and Place, The Economies of Europe & The EU, Media & UK Politics, The Pre-Raphaelites, Brotherhood & Movement, Politics, Society & Culture in Non-Western Societies (this was my my alternate course if the theatre ones didn't work out)... Yet, I am excited for all the knowledge I will accumulate in the classes I have chosen. For the first time in my life I will be spending all of my academic and artistic energy focused on the one thing I claim to want to pursue "when I grow up". I guess this means that part of me is grown up?

The possibilities probably have an end, but it is no where in site.

"Your beauty can't be covered by insecurities"

The finals are over.
Thank goodness.

This was by far the most exhausting last week of a semester ever.
My dad came to pick me up on Friday after my last final, but it took us a little while to get out of town. We ran a few errands and loaded all of my belongings out of my house and then left town. There was some bad weather here and there, but over all it was not too bad of a drive. This probably had something to do with my dad driving.

The next day I went to a funeral for my mom's best friend from high school, Carolyn's dad. It was, of course, a sad event, but it was nice to see some family friends. I hadn't seen them in 3 years-- since we went out to visit them in California. I think I met Carolyn's dad once, but I'm not sure. Well, it turns out he was buried in the same cemetery as my mom's mom. My Grandma Jo passed away the same year that my mom graduated from high school and got married. She passed away before she got married. We don't talk about it very often, but it scares me sometimes. I pray both my parents are around to see me get married*.

Well, it was just an interestingly nice first day home.


*If I get married.

Between the time I arrived home and woke up this morning I received two very exciting pieces of news.
News 1
I have an internship in London! It's a 3-credit internship at Kings Head Theatre. A picture of the outside is on the left.
It's in Islington which actually quite a ways away from where I live. Transportation will be expensive.
It's especially exciting to have the internship considering it was a five minute phone interview at 5 in the morning (our time). They must have liked my resume because my 5-in-the-morning-there's-an-echo and-I-can't-really-hear-you phone skills are not the best.
My duties will depend on what their needs are when I arrive, but I am thrilled to be part of their theatre. It's a wonderful place. There are constantly events and they all look wonderful.

Here's a link to the theatre if you'd like to know more about it!

Note: You might remember a blog entry a little while ago that talked about a theatre I was eyeing that had a great looking show called F***ing Men. This is that theatre!


News 2
Over Thanksgiving I applied to IES Abroad to write blogs while abroad. Some sort of creative work and writing were required. There was a list of requirements which I won't waste your time with. I sent in this sample blog. If you think parts are cliche, yes, there is one entry that I was tempted to delete, but I didn't, and that is that. Anyways, the point of the story is that within 24 hours of getting the internship (note: which I have now officially accepted) I was also one of the students selected (out of 150ish) to blog while abroad. I am required to blog 1 entry before leaving, 3 a month while I am there and 1 entry when I return. I even get paid a small stipend to blog! Yes, essentially this is my first paid writing position. And we all know I've been blogging for years so this is exciting for me. Although this is my first blog which I know will be read by numerous people I don't know. This makes me a little nervous, but mostly excited... let me know if you get thrills from reading over other people's work for grammar errors, haha.

Please note the guy in the picture on the right is the founder of the Kings Head Theatre.

Well, there's lots of excitement going around, but it's time for bed so more on that another time.
Also, if you're home over break, I'd love to go on an adventure (or a non-adventure). I fly away on January 5th. I hope to see you before then

Note: Both photos today were copied from the Kings Head Theatre website.

Wonderful, super, fantastic, coolness, remarkable-- and blue...

Have you ever walked in snow barefoot? It's a feeling unlike any other... especially if there's a lot of super soft snow.


Last night/this morning I was in the Kletz with Brittany working on my prompt book for directing. While there, she had me listen/watch to "Blue Hair". Love it. Love it. Love it.

Listen <3

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

The weekend before finals has consistently been my favorite weekend of the semester. Some would say that this is one of the worst weekends- having to cram and study the time away, but I would disagree. There are always numerous study breaks (often so many that studying takes a back seat to them) during which I get to spend time with friends. And there are few times you appreciate your friends more, than when you realize you will be spending awhile without them. (Note: I realize you also tend to value them highly when it's been awhile since you have seen them, but we'll address that issue when we come to it). Given, there have definitely been some other great weekends this semester: Halloween, Thanksgiving, the weekend before Thanksgiving, ect. ect. I enjoy holidays even more now that I am at college. And I suppose this is the weekend before Christmas (break) so that counts...

Often I also find that just before a good weekend I tend to have at least one particularly rough night. This past Thursday was that night. My classes were stressing me out and I just did not want to have to put forth effort. This semester's classes have not been my favorite.
1- turned out much more difficult than I thought it would be... such so that I have grown tired of it... and being not good at it
1- was just a general education requirement which makes it harder to put serious time towards
1- I was really excited for, but ended up being a disappointment. I did not learn nearly as much as I had hoped to, but I blame less of that on myself and more on the class structure
1- I did not get as much out of as I should've because I didn't do as much of the reading as I should've. I shot myself in the foot.
1- I enjoyed, but did not get to put as much effort into because I was worn down from my other classes
I was very ready for them to be over and on Thursday night I just became overwhelmed and apathetic (not a good mix). I called my sister and she answered and put her busy schedule on hold and tried to help my irrational self calm down. The second time I got off the phone I was ready to get back to the world. And I did. I wrote my paper and then got a good night's sleep. Friday went fine; I made it. After my classes I considered going for a run, but slept for three hours instead.

Directing 1's 10-Minute Scenes had their second night on Friday. Often the schedules of the directors and the casts are too busy to put on two performances, but some how it worked out this year that we could. Both nights we filled the studio and Friday night we had to add extra chairs! All the scenes turned out really well. I was particularly proud of my actors. The scene, Betty's Garage was tough. It was 1000xs heavier than anything else on that stage and handling real issues in a surreal fashion can be particularly confusing. However, I think it turned out great and have received plenty of positive feedback. Yay!

After Directing Scenes we gave Katie our props and cleaned up the studio. Then some kids went to 84 East and I came home to get myself organized for the weekend. Then I went over to the Yellow House to hang out with runners. Then a bunch of theatre kids came over and it was theeee greatest. I can't remember the last time I had so many quality friends in one living room! At social gatherings I like to move around a lot and normally I only have 1-2 groups to go between and then I use the kitchen ("getting some air") as a buffer. But there were so many of my friends there, ah! It was definitely the greatest. Plus I had hot chocolate and other delicious drinks. By the time I left we had done "Send me on my way" and "All these things that I've done" so my out-of-shape-calves were sort of tired from all the jumping. Yet, it was a great night. I spent time with friends, was reassured about study abroad by Sarah, danced, laughed... you get the general idea.


Today (Saturday) I worked The Nutcracker which was SOLD OUT. Congrats to the ballet club on that. Afterwards I had dinner and then worked on lighting with Andrew. We took one break and played ping-pong, which was wonderful-- except I need to practice my hand-eye coordination because I have very little :) We also visited Andi and Mama which was lovely. I hid things in their pillow which has a rip in it. I was in a small fit of giggles about this. Eventually Andrew and I became tired of lighting and decided we would finish it tomorrow. On the way back to his dorm to pick up my book bag we heard singing! We stopped and saw 3 girls standing outside a house singing loudly. They were amazing (amazingly hilarious) and when they finished one verse of Jingle Bells we shouted across the street for an encore. They sang more and spread a fair amount of good cheer. As I was walking home in the snow (I'm not sure of the exact measurements, but it averages out to around to above my boots -- although there is some blowing so there's more in some areas) I started to think about how bitter we often are towards snow. I detest driving in it and only enjoy it before it's been touched and only as long as I do not have to venture out into it. However, this snow looked surreal. It was light weight and fluffy. I wanted to play in it!
I went home and called a few people. I heard plenty of voice mails and no-thank-yous, but then Susan said she would play frisbee in the snow with me and she would bring her friends! Joanne also called me back and said she'd come out for just a little bit! And ah! What great times we had. The snow was not as bad for packing as I thought it would be. We threw snowballs and slid and fell in the snow numerous times. Playing frisbee in the snow did not work out so well, but the idea at least got people outside. We then brought snow in to Claire, Emily and Emma. Emma then joined us outside for a bit before we went into Kollen bringing Jackie B. snow cheer too :) By this time both Joanne and I were tired. Emma talked with me on my way home and as we were approaching Timmer we saw Josh and Tim. We through snowballs at them and I tackled Tim in the snow before sending them on their way :)

And then I returned home to sit for awhile. Maybe some would say I should have studied more today, but I did make progress on both lighting and directing. Tomorrow's goals
-Strike
-Finish Lighting Design
-Study for Geology Lab
(for some ridiculous reason I have 2 geology finals. I think this is a bad plan)
-Practice HSD

It's going to be a full day.
Thank goodness for good friends <3


Added Note: I think one of my favorite things about yesterday was all the hugs I received. I think some people must've read my last entry <3 Yes!

And You

Whenever someone goes through one of those oh-no-I-don't-know-what-I-am-going-to-do-with-my-life moments, one of the first questions to ask is "What's Important to you?". And every once in awhile I'll remember things that are important to me, but overall the answer would have to be people. I like to see people being real and feeling a part of things. Other people experiencing emotions or connections amazes me. I knew this before today, but I was just reminded today.




[Note from Dec. 18th, 2008: There were a few additional sentences that weren't finished that I deleted. I had intentions of coming back to this entry and explain more about this. However, now I don't remember what it was that caused me to remember that people were important to me. They are important though. My question to you is: What's important to you? I'm still searching]

Treatment of dis-ease through simple, physical means

At the end of The Hug Therapy Book by Kathleen Keating (Anna Jo gave it to me last Christmas-- I highly recommend it) it says the following:

"I want a world where people are respected for
the ease and warmth of their melting...
rather than the strength of their walls."

-Clint Weyand
from My Miracle is You
(Being Books)

The Hug Therapy Book starts out remind us this:
HUGGING
Feels good
Dispels loneliness
Overcomes fears
Opens doors to feelings
Builds self-esteem ("Wow! She actually wants to hug me!")
Fosters altruism ("I can't believe it, but I actually want to hug that old son-of-a-gun!")
Slows down aging; huggers stay younger longer
Helps curb appetite; we eat less when we are nourished by hugs- and when our arms are busy wrapped around others

HUGGING ALSO
Eases tension
Fights insomnia
Keeps arm and shoulder muscles in condition
Provides stretching exercise if you are short
Provides stooping exercise if you are tall
Offers a wholesome alternative to promiscuity
Offers a healthy, safe alternative to alcohol and other drug abuse (better hugs than drugs!)
Affirms physical being
Is democratic; anyone is eligible for a hug

HUGGING ALSO
Is ecologically sound, does not upset the environment
Is energy-efficient, saves heat
Is portable
Requires no special equipment
Demands no special setting; anyplace from a doorstep to an executive conference room, from a church parlor to a football field, is a fine place for a hug!
Makes happy days happier
Makes impossible days possible
Imparts feelings of belonging
Fills up empty places in our lives
Keeps on working to dispense benefits even after the hug's release

Besides, hugging prevents war.

-Kathleen Keating

I'm a strong promoter of the hug.

While I was searching for images for this entry I came across a lot of pictures of "Free Hugs" signs. I remembered my freshman year when I, multiple times, stood around campus -outside chapel mostly- with my sign. I received hundreds of hugs. It was really nice; although it is harder to hug people with a sign in your hands. One question many people asked, although, not in seriousness, was "do you normally charge for your hugs?". I realize now that perhaps the sign should have been sat outside as a reminder and just said "hug freely".

We'll see each other at Christmas

I am hoping to get an internship this Spring while I'm in London. The theatre I am really hoping to get is Kings Head Theatre. This is the show showing the 7th-25th of January. Even if they don't want me to intern for them, I will definitely try to go see this show (as long as it doesn't sell out before I get there). I would want to see this show in the US, but I'm especially excited to see if they use American accents and if so, what they sound like!

In other news:
These last 11 days here in Holland are bittersweet. I am ready to go back home, but not eager to do all the things I have to complete first. And it's occurred to me lately that I really enjoy the people in my life and wish I was able to spend more time with them when I'm not stressed. Just today there were some nice moments. Working in the costume shop this morning was enjoyable. I prefer working Tuesdays (over Thursdays, the other day I work) because I get to hang out with Jeri and we're both so busy that we don't see each other all that often otherwise. And later today Brittany and I worked on this ridiculous Gypsum Mine report that I could do without, but we spent some time talking then. And it was really nice to realize we're both in the same position. We both have put our 1st priority in front of our priority of getting good grades and are sometimes discouraged by it, but overall we have to be apathetic because we made the right choices. She had an amazing show (1940s Radio Hour) and I have a resume with more things from the past 2 years on my resume than most people have from the last 5. And yes, I'm getting a bit apathetic these days, but don't worry, I'm still Sara... I'm just worrying about my apathy instead.

My Thanksgiving was lovely. I spent a little bit of time with Aaron on Saturday and a couple hours with Alexis Saturday night. I would probably have an easier time this week if I hadn't, but it was really nice spending time with them so it was worth it. The rest of my time was spent either prepping for London, working on school stuff or spending time with my family. Friday I went on what was probably the longest shopping trip I've ever gone on without crying during it, haha. I'm not a shopper, but it was a good shopping day. Spending Thanksgiving and the days following it with my family was needed. My grandparents spent the four days with us and I regret not being able to spend more time talking with them, but it's just nice to have them around. My brother and sister were both in town so it was a full house of 7, but a happy, full house :) The food was delicious and it was an all-in-all good time. Thanksgiving morning my siblings and I even did the annual 10k turkey trot. It's one of my favorite traditions (right up there with Christmas tree shopping and Easter egg dying). It might take a little more coaxing to get them to do it again next year, but we do it every year that we're in town in the morning so I see no reason to stop the tradition now :)

Well, there are things to do and-- more things to do. Sorry the updates have been few and far between.


Also, if anyone has the financial capabilities to donate to a theatre in need. This one is pretty awesome and could use your help :)

Enough.

Sometimes people tattoo things on their skin so they have constant reminders. I don't think I will be getting a tattoo any time soon and if there were words, I'd never want this many, but if those two things didn't matter, I would want this tattooed on me:

I am enough
I have enough
I love enough
I risk enough
I fill enough
I get enough
I handle enough
I am loved enough
I am healed enough
I am ready enough
I am enough

(SARK)

because sometimes I forget, but it's true


Always.


Or at least-- I want it to be.

My director went for coffee. I'm rehearsing on my own..

So I ask friends weird questions to try and figure out what I need to change. People tell you "you don't need to change a thing" and that often bothers me. I guess, in their terms, what I'm really asking is "what do I need to do to best grow into the best person I can be". If I "just be me," isn't that settling? I want to strive for something great.
Currently, within me, the person who acts is not the same person who thinks. And sometimes the thinker has control or is given input, but in the end it's up to the actions. I live my life like a typical young director staring at her play thinking, "well, I don't know what I want, but this isn't it. I don't know what to do to make it what I want since I don't know what I want, so let's just run it again and see if anything changes.... oh, yup, that was nice, you took one extra step forward, let's start back at that other line and we'll try and do that again, but this time pick up your purse..." Small changes often result in nothing. Small changes occasionally change everything. The question is, what if this figurative show still sucks on closing night*.


*note: This has nothing to do with my Directing show. They're doing great... it's me that I'm trying to figure out. I'm glad the show isn't nearly as messy.

My Own Demise

In second grade we learned about dodo birds. "Dodo bird" is a term people often use to describe someone who is not intelligent; Or at least, that is the meaning it has adapted in time. I learned that this comes from the birds causing their own extinction. Portuguese sailors stumbled upon the island, Mauritius (the only place dodo birds were seen) and since the dodo birds had never met humans before, these flightless birds didn't know to run away.

"The sailors mistook the gentle spirit of the dodo, and its lack of fear of the new predators, as stupidity. They dubbed the bird "dodo" (meaning something similar to a simpleton in the Portuguese tongue). Many dodo were killed by the human visitors, and those that survived man had to face the introduced animals. Dogs and pigs soon became feral when introduced to the Mauritian eco-system. By the year 1681, the last dodo had died..." (source- I couldn't remember the years)

Ever since the age of 7 I have kept the dodo in the back of my mind. I am not sure why it's stuck with me so strongly, but sometimes the term is brought up and I inform the surrounding people of the dodo's tragic story. Some people already know it, but many do not.



This morning Aaron and I were on the telephone and we were discussing how his acting class had all been telling each other the colors, flowers, animals, ect. they associated with each other as a class exercise. There was little consistency to the responses he received. In a way I feel this makes a lot of sense. Aaron different major strengths that can easily overshadow each other depending what context you know him. Many people have this, but often we know a certain portion of them so well, that we forget. And as we grow our identity becomes more and more refined because we stop testing the limits of our "selves" that have been built for us...
So I asked Aaron what color, scent, mode of transportation and animal I would be. He said bright yellow (which I thought was odd for a variety of reasons- he said he just tries to think of the happy, bubbly me), some sort of wildflower, MG and the dodo bird. I told him that was mean (the dodo bird). What was that supposed to mean? He was leaving to go sleep or eat or something at this point so I didn't pester for much of an explanation, but if I'm honest with myself, I suppose, when relating to him, I know how I am the dodo bird. This is not because I'm dumb, but rather I chose to trust. I have seen what you have done. I acknowledge what you have done. Now I look past it and give you a chance to be loved again.

The question is, am I destined to meet the same ending as these gentle birds? Why must the sailor(s) be so cruel? Just because they were "...easy prey to the Portuguese invaders who would club the bird to death as it approached them seeking friendship..." (source) doesn't mean they should have done so. And who are the sailors? And if they know I am this way, why must they still prey?

And when does it become too great of a risk for me to trust. After all, it is terribly tiring to remain closed off all the time. I find no reason to hide on the other side of a wall. I was not placed here to hide away. I am here to be, to be here. I want to love and to care and to trust. I am willing to forgive.

Barefoot dreams

Just some words:

And I have these dreams when we're walking. We walk so softly, so as not to put too much pressure on the grass. With gravity pushing on it all day long, one must to be kind to thank it for comforting our bare feet. For they are young and soft, like our hearts, like our hands, like our souls. We have so far to go, but are so near to home.

When I wake up, the world is new and you are old. You are old and somewhere I do not know. You are now someone I have yet to meet. The one you once were bid me farewell and I have never woken to his kiss again.

Every morning I yearn for the night again.

A few things to know

When I was younger I received the book The Polar Express along with a silver bell. My parents convinced me they couldn't hear it ring. I can still hear it ring. I may not believe in Santa Claus, but I believe in something.

I think that's important.
----------------------------------------

I used to say I lacked a filter; it used to be true.
I don't know if I have a filter, but I have a censor now.
When did I acquire it?
How do I give it back?
It's slightly dull.

----------------------------------------

In the world of facebook, blogs and text messages, we've been reduced to words... it's important to remember there are many ways to say "I love you"

Public Transportation: Adventures and Conversations

One of my sister's friends at grad school at the art institute has a blog for one of her classes. Here is a portion of the description:

"I decided to create this blog where people can share their experiences on the CTA, or/and at the bus/train stops. I hope to share few tips that I discovered to make the trips more bearable or even enjoyable, sometimes."
-http://ilikebusntrain.blogspot.com/


There are two things that I wanted to include in the entry I wrote below, but that didn't get mention.
One is that, as a theatre major, I will probably move to a city post-graduation. I consistently worry that the adventure and story-telling side of the transportation system will fade for me... as it is difficult to remain open and excited for adventure every day.

The other thing is something that Ryan, the pumpkin-carrying boy said to me on the train
Ryan: "You know, people can tell that you're not from around here as soon as you open your mouth. Do you know why that is?"
Me (wondering if my Northern Ohio accent is that strong): "Umm..."
Ryan: "No one else around here talks"

------------------

I don't actually live in Chicago, but my sister does so when I travel from my tiny Michigan town to "Chi-town," public transportation is part of the adventure, rather than a necessity of getting somewhere. In addition to this, I love making strangers not so estranged. These two things combined result in meeting some of the greatest people.

Here are four of my favorite ways I have met people:

1. Saying Hi:

My sister moved to Chicago (and closer to me) this August. I, along with numerous other family members, visited for her birthday. My sister, her boyfriend and I took the train across town to the hotel where the rest of my family was staying. There were just enough seats open on the train to make it silly for us not to sit down, but for the three of us to have to separate when we sat. My sister and her boyfriend moved to the back and I sat down next to a guy staring off into the distance who appeared relatively friendly. I sat for awhile, drumming silently on my lap when I finally said hello. He wasn't listening to music or doing anything that signaled 'don't talk to me' so I figured it was okay. Plus sometimes you just need to at least acknowledge each other (hello may be substituted for even the head-nod to get the ball rolling). He returned the greeting and before 2 stops had passed I learned he had raced at a cross country meet I had watched that morning. He was from Midland, MI and was the summer training partner of one of the freshman on my cross country team at college. It's a small, small world. My new friend and I spent the next six or so stops talking about cross country training and recovery methods while my sister and her boyfriend sat next to silent strangers.

2. Offering Candy:

I wouldn't recommend doing this to everyone you meet, but you can tell the candy eaters. Many people will not accept your offer, but immediately afterwards you can make the joke "Oh… is it because I'm a stranger? Hi, I'm (insert your name here)". It's not the best joke, but it is one of my favorites. And now your seat partner knows your name and the door is open for small talk—if he/she so desires.

When my grandma passed away a fall ago I did not have my car at school and had to take a bus from Michigan to Chicago and then all the way to Ohio (Cleveland area). Including the waiting, the trip ended up totaling around 12 hours. I met many people on this trip which helped it go much quicker. While waiting in the bus station in Chicago I met two nice middle-aged men as well as an older, free-spirited gentleman through this method. I had a long philosophical talk about whether or not time existed with the free-spirit heading to San Francisco and discussed making the right decisions while you're young with the two middle aged men, one returning to Houston after not finding a job in Chicago. Maybe not everyone cares about these topics, but I do and they are a great way to give meaning to time.

3. Giving compliments:

In general people enjoy compliments. I have found the best kinds to give are ones directed at something controlled by the individual. Does the scarf appear hand-knit? Remark on it. Do the buttons on their coat appear hand-sewn? Notice it verbally. People are flattered when someone likes something they have created. This includes commenting on how the whole ensemble "just fits together". Sometimes you receive a polite thank you. Occasionally you receive a whole story and a beaming compliment-receiver.

On the same trip I listed above I saw a boy with these amazing pants all made of patches. He was sitting three seats ahead of me, but once when he glanced back I stepped out on a limb and yelled up that his pants were awesome. The trip was a longer one, so a few stops later when the woman (rereading her favorite book, which she recommends (yes, it's okay to ask), on the way to visit her granddaughter) left, he moved back to tell me about them. My new friend told me how he'd spent the last few months traveling from music festival to music festival with his girlfriend who was now in South Carolina. She would make pants and sell them or trade them for food. He was wearing a pair she had made for him. All he owned were those pants, the rest of the clothes he was wearing, a change of underwear, a bookbag, a sleeping bag and a notebook. I had brought crayons and asked if he wanted to color as we waited for our stops. He did. When I left I gave him the bag of bagels I had brought with me. I hope Todd's doing well…

4. Bringing a pumpkin:

I have only done this once, but it brought much laughter, conversation and bulkiness while traveling.

I drove to Ogden Dunes and took the South Shore line into Chicago. On the way, the girl who I was sitting next to me remarked that a pumpkin (along with my two bags) made for an interesting seat partner. I laughed and told her I was taking it to carve it with my sister. She was on her way to take her engagement photos with her fiancée who attends Moody. We alternated between conversing and studying and it made for a wonderful start of my trip. We are now facebook friends. And in case you were wondering, yes her pictures turned out beautifully.

Upon arriving downtown I stood looking at a map to find the nearest brown line to take to my sister's house. A guy around my age stopped and asked me what I was trying to find. I told him and he was also taking the brown line so I followed him. As we shuffled down the busy streets, me dropping my bags and almost my pumpkin, he offered to carry my pumpkin. Usually I would have said I was fine, but I was slowing us down so I took him up on his offer. He carried my pumpkin and helped me as we got onto the train. We talked and shared stories of our past. Another man joined in our conversation and switched the topic to different sorts of pumpkin or squash pies. I didn't have much to say about them, but it was interesting to hear someone so passionate about them.
While making conversation I consistently attempted to not block people from exiting. At one point the train started to move again while I was moving out of a person's way and I nearly wiped out with my pumpkin in my arms. Then ten or so people behind me laughed with me as we imagined what might have happened had I not, at the last possible second, caught myself on one of those silver poles in the center. With the help of Ryan, the boy who originally carried my pumpkin, I got off the train at the right stop and was on my way. According to Ryan he's usually shy. I refuted this by stating that he had offered to help me. He laughed and replied saying that he couldn't help but stop to help "this poor girl with a pumpkin in her arms".

Of course, this does not help in defining privacy and some days everyone you see on the train wants to bury themselves in their books or i-pods, but on those days when there's a person or two "open," take advantage of them. Acknowledge that they exist and invite them to acknowledge you. You will often leave the train or bus feeling oddly renewed. After all, someone took the time to talk and to listen. These sorts of things are important.

Kind of like a Sad Solidified Puddle.

Telling people how they should feel is crazy.
It doesn't work that way.

Crazy? I was crazy once...

Want to know a secret?







... I don't actually believe I'm crazy.

People tell me it all the time and I admit it to a lot of people. I claim it as part of my identity. Yet, in reality, I only admit that people say it because it makes me someone unique, someone worth noticing. People say it to my face and behind my back. And it's not that I don't "get it". I acknowledge what they observe. Okay. But that, my dear friends, does not make me crazy.

It just makes me not you.

I was taught the ABC's, but either song works...

The following message was just sent to all of Hope's campus...
I can't help but wonder if our deputy status is limited to Hope's campus or if our jurisdiction includes the rest of the county or state... or world...

Probably not world, but you get the idea...

Hand Washing Police

All Hope Students, Staff and Faculty are from this day forward deputized as hand washing police officers!

Hand washing – PROPER Hand washing – is the Number 1 way to

prevent another episode of this viral illness!

Proper Hand washing means:

• Using Soap & Water
• Work up a lather and cover all surfaces of your hands, fingers, finger webs, under the nails and even up to your wrists.
• Continue to lather-up for 30 seconds – which is about how long it takes you to sing the Happy Birthday song. Sing so everyone knows you are doing your duty to protect our community!
• Rinse under running water.
• Turn off the faucet with a paper towel or use your elbow if a paper towel is not available.

Be ASSERTIVE! If you are in a public restroom and see that someone is trying to sneak away without washing their hands – or doing a quick “zip-zip” under the water….politely ask them to return and wash their hands properly.

Roommates – listen for the singing! If you don’t hear singing before someone comes out of the restroom – ask them to go back and do it right!

This Noro-like virus could return if we are not ALL diligent with our hand washing!

* Remember…those of you who had this are not immune to a second, third, fourth….. illness/infection.

More and Less

There's a counting crows song that asks "what would you change if you could"? And I've always heard it as, what would you change in your past if you could go back, but today I am hearing it in reference to my current state (of being and of living situation). And the answer...

• More sleep, less smoke
• More peace, less noise
• More time, less to-do

I went home this weekend.
I'm ready to go back.
Although, while I was on the road or stuck at Eastern, I just wanted to be back here so I could have things in order. Perhaps I just want things in order, and then to pause and go enjoy some serenity.
Serenity, that's hard to come by...

Either way, it was a great adventure this weekend. Between seeing MSU, spending some time in Ann Arbor (for the first time ever), visiting with Jess, Beth and their mom, being home with my parents, getting abroad stuff somewhat in order, stopping by Eastern, spending time with Jackie and Kyle, and- well, the Lincoln Street Garage (222 Lincoln St., Ypsilanti, MI-- I recommend them) it was an interesting trip indeed...

12 bph

If I'd known it was going to be a 3-day weekend I might've gone to South Carolina...

After all, we won't work on this lighting project in the morning.

12 bph. Oh goodness.

Pouring through a pin hole

No one would notice if you'd never been here.
They don't miss you at that college you didn't go to.
Do you expect them to?
We wouldn't know if you'd never been born.
If you are truly here, we will notice when you leave.


Neitzche was right... potential doesn't matter.
All that matters is what is.


And on occasion I miss what was.
But if I don't know what that is, do I still miss it?

And if not, what is it that I'm missing?

That's how I feel about you

One of the most interesting things about being a living bean (or being, if you will) is that you're alive. Maybe I am alone in this, but sometimes I forget that I am alive. It isn't just not living in the present, it's just forgetting that there's no need to wait. You're living now, so go! Go accomplish something miraculous.
So often I am planning the future or reflecting on the past that while I am getting things done or ready, I am not living actively. The other day I was talking with a close friend and we were discussing someone in her life who was hesitant about being at a certain level now. The question is not just if not now, then when? But rather, why not now? Or maybe it's not a question, but rather a reality. Life is happening right now.




....so, um, what am I supposed to be doing?

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could go back to high school thinking I'd do better there now that I know what I know and having the skills I've developed, but facebook* does a good job of reminding me to just appreciate where I am now... because the days that you were not happy happened for a reason that would still exist if you went back.

Maybe that didn't make sense, but the moral of the story is that I couldn't be who I am now with the people from then because they aren't the people I know now... they may be similar, but they are still high schoolers and perhaps didn't watch quite enough Mister Rogers as children <3


*specifically throw-back albums.


Note: There were lots of wonderful times in high school and I wouldn't mind spending more time with my friends-- because they're pretty wonderful- especially those I've kept some sort of contact with...

Deep breaths and quiet porchs.

At the end of every season Hope College has athletes fill out coaching evaluations. The survey questions mostly asks the Coach's coaching technique and your interaction with him or her. I can recall my freshman year when I filled in mostly 4's [on a scale of 1-5] because I wasn't exactly thrilled with how my arrival on the team was handled, but didn't have any constructive criticism. My sophomore year I had figured out more of what training and supportive needs were not met and responded to the questions accordingly. This year it is a whole new response. I have felt more supported by my head cross country course now than ever. I thought of many reasons why it could be- excuses for good behavior- if you will, but none of them really fit. I do not know if he took some women-communication class, but it's been a great season for that part of things. Today was the day to fill out the evaluations and I was at a meeting, but I will try to make an effort to fill out the survey anyway.

If the survey gave lots of room for examples, Saturday would have been a paragraph in itself. Let's be honest: I did not have the best last race of the season. My season goal had been to finish high enough on the team to at least travel with the team to Regionals. Ideally I would have ran at regionals, but I wanted to at least travel down to Otterbein on November 15th for the D3 Cross Country Regionals. Alas, I was 11th. While this year was different, the expected number to travel was 10 girls. So in my mind, I was one away... the story of my life*. Even if I had finished in the top 9, today was still somewhat discouraging. I finished much further behind the St. Mary's girls than I did at the Jamboree (when I finished 6th on the team). At the Jamboree I outkicked their number one. Today I'm not positive, but I think their top 4 (maybe 5) beat me. sigh. Of course, I can blame this race on the "metal spike" being rammed through my hamstrings and into my connectors with my pelvis. Or I could blame it on this bronchial mess I've been having. The suppressant syrup, pills and inhaler are apparently-- not working. But, no one will put a little star* next to my name reminding everyone that "Sara wasn't feeling well". You race with everything you have and at the end of the day, if that's not as much as the next person, she beats you. That's how the sport works.
So I finished the race and sat down and tried to not cough up half of my lung. I then walked over to the camp and sat for a little bit attempting to motivate myself to put on my shoes for the cool down (it didn't work that well). Coach came over to me and talked for a bit and said exactly what I needed to be reminded of... most of all, that I have a lot to be grateful for. Often people say that suggesting that you should stop complaining or whining about whatever is making you unhappy, but it was not that sort of grateful at all. Rather, it was a reminder that the season has been in a success in many other ways. I didn't run the 5k time I wanted, but the 6k time at Manchester was okay (and I was in pain then too). I can't remember my 6k times from any other years so I'm assuming 24:50 is my best and it doesn't sound too, too shabby. That's 4:08 ks. That's the same pace as my 5k for the season-- still not sub20 5k pace, but still nearly solid-- maybe like glass... a cooled liquid? haha. The reality of the situation is that while I don't want to settle, but I have to accept what I've done. I ran what I ran. I know I should have done a few more core exercises (it is terribly weak) or maybe I should have had a few less adventures that deprived me of sleep (but there weren't that many of those). But I made my choices and can be proud of my girls who ran solid races to qualify for Regionals. They put in the effort and did well.

Now I just need to work on getting rid of this cough that makes it so difficult to breathe. The other day I started dying just walking up to the cats in the theatre-- and I wasn't even going that quickly. Today I had to run to Tuffy's (2 miles away) to pick up my car which was having work done on it because I could not find anyone to drive me out there. I got there alright, but as soon as I stopped moderating my breath the coughing too over. I am quite glad to have my car back and not making scary noises though. I love my car.

I also love being on my porch. It was beautiful outside today and so even though it's a little chilly this evening, I can still sit outside. Even sickly days are good days when you can walk outside in a knee-length skirt and a t-shirt. Yay!



*Last race I was technically one way from top 25. However I was top 25 of attached runners so I still received a t-shirt.

Conference Meet on Saturday

I'm tired of colds, hamstrings, stress, hips, bad grades, the need for sleep, and weak muscles keeping me down....


Is it time for Thanksgiving yet?

The past is only the future with the lights on

Some say sundresses are meant for girls. Sundresses are meant for those free at heart. Some days I miss the little me in the sundress. Other days I miss the big me in the sundress. Most days I just want to lay in bed and think about the sun outside of the window. It'd be nice to stand in the sun, but some days your legs just look too muscular or your arms too flabby in the sun dress or perhaps your heart just isn't sure if it believes in the sun any more.


Julie posted pictures of the production process of my high school's fall show. There was a picture of Maddie, Miller's little sister and it really made me miss Miller (and her family). And then I began missing other friends and high school theatre and what that meant to me. I consistently wonder who I would be if I deserted running and concentrately solely on theatre. It should be noted that I often wonder what would happen if I left theatre and focused just on running. But I began to miss so many things... that security. Of course, if I let myself truly think back I'll remember the people who I let take that confidence away from me. The people who I thought might say things behind my back were always there, as was the fear that I would screw up terribly. And sometimes I think about Rod Stewart and how right he was when he sang "I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger...". Then again, would I really react differently? I still rely on other people for my happiness. I am still upset when I don't run well and I still believe being invited is important.

I would venture to say I am bit different now though...
I don't think I would have actually carved such a pumpkin when I was in high school...
To be honest, I'm not sure what I would have done in high school.


What a mix of thoughts this is turning into...

Just know this:
I have a cold and I am sleepy, but I have things to finish.
Tonight was discouraging, but so are so many other things. This morning I received a wonderful 8A call. I love receiving phone calls from enjoyable people when I'm in dream state, it's much better than Michigan.
I am looking forward to this weekend for many reasons, including: this week will be done, I may see my favorite, schae-schae, the XC meet, post xc meet, work, paycheck, sleeeeep, Halloween!!! everything you could possibly want <3 style="font-style: italic;">really needed that time with her. The next morning we went for a run and Chicago lived up to its windy nickname. We attempted to work on homework. I was probably distracting because I always feel like I have so much to tell Anna Jo even when none of it holds any weight. Later that night we went to dinner and then to see The House show Dave Davinci Saves the Universe. I saw Nathan Allen (yay!) and Brandon, whom I didn't realize I would get to see there so it was super exciting! The lighting for teh show was marvelous. I would've liked to say to listen to the panel discussion and such things, but I had to leave so Anna Jo and I could return to Anna Jo's and then she could take me downtown to Millenium Station so I could go back to Ogden. The rest of this journey was messy. I didn't meet anyone on the train because I was concentrating on homework. I arrived a little late at Ogden Dunes, went the wrong way for awhile, had to stop and pee (although there were no where open to do that) and then when I was 12 miles from my exit (I approximate 20 miles from home) my car made scary noises like there was a bear in my engine and I put my flashers on and coasted the rest of the way home. It was ridiculous. I arrived home around 4:30 a.m. The rset of my week has been a result of that, haha
Oh, but it should be noted that the restaurant Anna Jo and I went to before Dave Davinci was wonderful. The lighting was the perfect mix of bar/restaurant, dark enough to have "atmosphere," but bright enough you could see your menu. There were numerous seating arrangements and the food was EXCELLENT (which is not the case at every place that has over 40% of its focus on alcohol). I would tell you the name of the place, but I've forgotten it. Americana pub or something ... Anna Jo, do you remember?



I have to go write my scene analysis for lighting. Goodnight <3

The World Gives You More.

Sometimes I begin to forget that I am real. It is easy to do. If you sit with enough people who don't see you or if you sit in an empty hall or if you just exist without anyone else giving you warmth for some duration of time, you just forget. Sometimes before you get too far you remember to call someone and they remind you. Often you do not even realize you are doing it until people don't answer and don't answer and suddenly you aren't so sure where you were and where you are and oh goodness... But then someone does-- someone answers or walks through the door and smile-nods and... all of a sudden you remember. The fade ends and you jolt back. Perhaps you're disorientated for awhile, but you're there. Where there is I'm still unclear, but there all the same. The place that you need to be if you're ever going to get a decent grade on that godforsaken exam...

I get closer to this state after spending a lot of time with people and then leaving. This has been wonderful. Friday night I went contre dancing for historical social dance. I felt semi-accepted by the dancers (which is always appreciated) and despite being super sweaty had an awesome time being twirled and swung around the dance floors by people I had never met and may never see again. I am hoping to be in Ohio for the next one, but if you're around... contre dancing at the fair grounds... $5 for students... in the red brick building. You might want to bring a change of shirt though... you get kinda sweaty and a little tired just an hour into it...
Friday my mom and dad sent me 6 roses for the race and Sweetest Day. It was one of the greatest things to come back to your room with roses on the bed!!

And a quick synopsis of the rest of my weekend since my motivation is gone:
*Manchester went pretty well. I ran a seasonal 6k PR and possibly a lifetime 6k PR, but I can't find the results of most of my past 6ks leaving me in great suspense. I ran a 24:50 which isn't pace to break 20 minutes, but if it'd been a 5k I would have at least had a lifetime PR--even if I didn't break 20. darn. I also got outkicked by the girl I think outkicked at the Jamboree. She finished 25th. Top 25 received tshirts. I was a bit mopey about it, but then, low and behold I actually did receive a tshirt (26th counts! woo!) because apparently unattached runners don't count? I was a little confused, but quite happy. I returned to campus and worked on my lighting project with Andrew. Then I stopped by Andi's room and we worked on this super cool math project Andi has to do in which you have to make the numbers 1-20 with four 4's and any operation. It was tricky, but we finished it. Yes! After going home, visiting with my housemates and then wasting some time sitting around going crazy, I finally went to bed around 2.
I woke up the next morning to a lovely 8a wake-up call from Aaron... which actually was good because I needed to get up so I could get 1/2 my day prepared before going grocery shopping. I did and then after grocery shopping worked on more lighting. Then I actually worked to get paid and then returned to do more lighting. Then I moved over to the studio theatre for directing 1 auditions where I was slightly overwhelmed, partly because I was super tired and partly because there were so many wonderful actors and actresses who came out. We're planning on casting tomorrow in class. I'm so excited and so nervous for this project at the same time. There is so much we can do and so many great people who can bring it to life... it's just so much unknown ready to be dived into! After the auditions I studied... and that leaves me here... late Sunday night in Dewitt... again. Sometimes I wish they'd just give me a small room here so I wouldn't have to walk home in the cold.



Note: This was written in sections and after the first section Alex and Chris both stopped and talked to me for awhile. Quality. Sometimes the feeling disconnected is trippy in a cool way, but really, I enjoy the warmth of a good conversation and an honest interaction... and I am grateful the many that I have these days.

"My weariness amazes me"

This semester is going so quickly. I started to plan when I was going to work on a couple of my projects and then began to panic. I thought the semester was longer than this, haha. Although I have to admit, I already feel like I've been here. Whenever I return I feel like I never left. Other people did and many things changed, but I'm still here, just like I was before. Part of that was never changing rooms, but part of that is just who I am and where my life is right now.

Things have been going really well. Fall break was last Monday/Tuesday. Friday night I tied up some loose ends and just hung around Timmer. I talked to my mom and she asked if I might want to go camping the next night. I thought that sounded wonderful and so she said she'd ask my dad in the morning if he wanted to go and then she began to look for campsites. So the next morning she called me so I could get up and start to work on things. And early that afternoon I drove just south of Portage to a campground in Augusta. My mom, dad and I had dinner and went on a walk and it was wonderful: exactly what I needed. It's not terribly often you are able to sit around with your parents without being rushed here or there or without a list of things to talk about. Needless to say, I wish I could have stayed quite a bit longer the next morning. However I had agreed to work on a lighting project that morning. Then at 1:30 I met up with a bunch of the runners and we went out to Coach's cabin for Sunday and Monday. The trails were beautiful. And Ah! The leaves! I just love autumn...



I'd like to continue writing and give you full ,descriptive stories on how leaves in Holland remind me of Schaedig, Andi and/or maybe Jackie and I throwing leaves up in the air and running through them and jumping in them at the cemetery-- Or the story of how you know something is important when you go back to check on it... even when you don't have to anymore, like high school cross country [they matter to me a lot]. Or the story of how people refer to shows they've created as children and how I'm permanently attached to Rose and the Rime. And you know, someday I might like to coach, but I hope Ellis would live nearby so when I don't remember the name of the muscles she can help me out. Or I could tell you of how Aaron says I'm permanently high. And if I wrote more I could write about how I don't need a boyfriend to send me flowers, because my parents are the best and how... how, I'm terribly tired and I just did a minute by minute analysis of the next two days and realized that I really can't fit everything in. So it's time to go. But I love you and I thank you for your support.

Come visit me in London next Spring!!
[trying not to get too excited too soon cause it's a good 80ish days off and a little scary too<3]

It's getting hard to remember what I came here to forget

I am every self self I've ever been. I am reminded of this often. Sometimes it's just when I have the giggles or when I get scared of dogs. I"m not always afraid of dogs, but sometimes... sometimes, I don't do so well. This past week we were on this run out a ways from campus and there was a dog and it ran towards us. I stopped and when it wouldn't go away I began to get very upset-- panicking. I began running again, but I never truly got into the workout. The dog, who was a little round on the sides, ran with us for a good 3 or 4 miles... and we were doing a minute on, minute off, 2 on.. and so on.

Back in 2005 my good friend Larry wrote a blog entry on the existence of all his selves. He set it this way:
"i am the dormitory for all the Larry's that i have been... they are housed here and talk to me, see the world i am seeing and tell me how i would see events at each age till now."

He then continues to give an event that reminded him of that and added "i miss that kind of abandon." saying that he still keeps part of those selves around, but he can't be 7 or 17 or whatever age... all the time anymore-- just sometimes.

And this is why sometimes we panic when big dogs run towards us and why sometimes we proceed with caution (but proceed). This is why we jump on beds and sing silly songs. This is why phone calls matter and people saying mean things hurts. And this is why getting giggly over a nice, cute boy is okay. I have to remind myself of that. I give myself permission to chalk and swing and giggle until I cry, but I keep forgetting to give my permission to crush-- and crush on someone even if we know he's not going to crush back. That's alright... give you something new to over-analyze ;)

I also think that this is also why we miss certain people sometimes, but not all the time. There are days when all I want is to be back at my 8th birthday party. My mom and sister put together a scavenger hunt. Some days when I imagine I am back at Camp Fitch with my sixth grade class... when Wes had a crush on Bridget and they were my two closest friends and they were both worried it was going to hurt their friendship (side note: Bridget didn't like Wes back and was very nice about it with me cause she knew I was sort of crushing on him at the time). Often I wish I was back in Michael Roder's living room dancing to Purple People Eater or up in his tiny attic playing some game with our amazing imaginations... before people believed you need pot to get "truly creative". Other times I just want to return to freshman year cross country season when things were new and exciting and I PRed every race (except for one). And sometimes I want to return to the prop room, winter of my freshman year and sing I Kissed a Drunk Girl with Mike, Christine and Amber and whoever else cared to join in. Or perhaps when I'd escape that dumb mandatory freshman tech class and sit on the floor of senior lounge by Mike and Katie and just soak up their presence and their wisdom. And I miss the people and the feelings that the memories remind me of. But I do not think of them all the time. You can't. You have to experience other things now, for those things have come to past and so now you are here and it's your job to make it amazing so it can be stored in the box labeled "open when sad" or "CAUTION: Contains Creative Energy".

There are many other times I don't look back on so often. Or perhaps I look back on times around them, but have reworked what was reality so I don't have to feel sad. I look forward to the orientation for study abroad so that when people talk about orientations I don't have to always feel so sad. And there are many days of high school that I do let blur together because those darn teenage hormones made days that might have otherwise been fine, a little extra messy.
Often when I want to think of happy more recent times, I think of swinging. I think of swinging with Aaron. I think of lots of times with Aaron. From April to July of 2006 are so packed full with happy memories it's difficult to remember all of them. I think of swinging. I think of swinging with Lizzy and Ian and Chris and Christy and you. Swings, specifically the Powers or Shupe ones are sacred to me. There is something magical about the night air flushing over your wide open or tightly shut eyes as you listen to a dear friend.

There is something magical and something sacred.

What do you do while the rest of the world sleeps?

As I go throughout my day, I have a continuous inner-monologue playing. Occasionally monologues are created for people that I am not. Example:

I think of things, my dear. I think of them when you close your eyes at night and I lay there, and it occurs to me that I am the closest to you and furthest away that I will ever be, at the same time. And then I remember that I will never sleep and that the world spins faster than I move and I remember that Thanksgiving dinner is at your mother's house this year and-- well it all appears again, everything that was and nothing that will be and I know that I'll be okay. Yes, I spend most of the time just thinking of things.

My body is a bottle holding in fireflies.

Thursday a guest speaker came into my management perspectives and theory class. He talked about emotional intelligence, which I have addressed in a few classes before. After listening to some music he said that if music can make us feel a particular emotion, than of course words should be able to do it, suggesting that words should be easier. I differ from this opinion. On a day-to-day basis, I believe music, and occasionally the link of the words and the music, manipulate the way we feel and approach the world much more than words that people say. Exceptions to this are obviously theatre and those sorts of words, but I find it is more difficult to shut out music.
Some musical artists who have had this effect in the past 2 weeks alone: Ben Lee (currently), Bob Dylan, Bright Eyes, Kate Nash, Lupe Fiasco, Otis Redding...
And those are just the ones I thought of in the first 10 seconds.

And so maybe it's Ben Lee's fault or maybe it's because talking to my mom, my sister, aaron, that other kid and getting a message from Schae-schae all within a few hours of each other- after yesterday talking with Jessica for the first time in much too long and spending 4 hours last night with Tim-- but I have energy and love to share, but I am lacking an outlet and therefore feel like I should jump off a tall building because for the first time in my life-- I know I could fly.



But yet, I worry that I won't find the peace in New York City that I appreciate the campus for during breaks. And what if there's too much broken glass to safely walk around barefoot?

There's a slight chance I may go camping with my parents tomorrow night. I really hope it happens. I would love such an adventure.

We're all in this together.

I've always loved being on campus during breaks. About two weeks after break I yearn for home, but there are serious benefits before that feeling hits. You see, this world is peaceful, Especially on nights like this. There may be other people walking around, playing frisbee golf, but yet there is this coolness calming all those things you thought before.
I came home from watching Second Class [it was a great performance tonight-- I much preferred it to final dress] and took a shower. I needed to feel as clean as the air I ran through to get here. I had pulled up my long black skirt so as not to trip and I sprinted, sprinted through the purity that's been gone for too long.

I dried off and messaged a friend who is feeling some things that feel so familiar to me. Rewind two years, freshman year, feeling alone and as if I was in the wrong place most of the time. There were a lot of tears resulting from something outside of college, but truly I didn't want to be here. There was no one I truly cared about here. School was meaningless, nothing was being changed. Running was lonely and I searched the theatre, but consistently left work feeling more and more insecure. And all I wanted was to be held. And sometimes I just wanted to run away and save the world: to serve the world.
He mostly just wanted someone to hold and to be around someone who mattered to him beyond the common care you give human beings. I asked him if he remembered my freshman year, because, along with a few others, he was often my lifeline. He replied with "yeah you were a mess". And he may feel similar, but I know he'll be fine. He's very likable and with his energy-- ...anyways, I am so grateful to never have to relive the first semester of my freshman year (of college). I do not want to even go back and look to see how I could have changed it. I am glad I am out of it and that through the grace of love and the patience of time I, now, have people that I care about and who care about me.
I ended the conversation and felt a little frustrated at him because while I lived in that world for so long and knew sadness well. He just sounded like he thought he was entitled to never having to feel such things. And while I don't think anyone should have to feel that way; we all do at some point. In a way that is a major theme of Second Class: We are all awkward and searching. Well, despite that small feeling, I wanted nothing more than to take that sadness away. I tried with all my energies to send him thoughts of being held, going on magical adventures and having secret escapes.
Awhile later I called him and he was fine. He was with a friend and the friend said they were high-- as so much of me knew they would be. I must be honest, I had wished for a much truer adventure or escape for him, but I can't complain- he sounded fine and I was fine and we got off the phone and I went to accomplish other things.

Tunnel Vision is the Vision of Dreamers

A week(ish) ago, I told Rob I sometimes wish I could revisit my freshman year of high school to see what I was really like. I remember so much of it fondly, but who did I appear to everyone else? And how does that compare to today? Should I have kept more? Less? Or am I the same, but with an addition six years of back-story? We then moved on to discuss whether or not we'd want to see our lives as a movie-- even if someone else had the editing hand. We then debated whether or not we'd recommend the movie to our friends. At this point in the conversation, Sarah had joined in and said she'd want people to see it so they could understand her more. I said I would recommend it to people because it would be interesting, but I wouldn't want them to know that much about me. There's value in being the only person who has seen everything you have experienced.

(Note: Rob and I agreed that out of all the people we know, Jason Todd's life would make the best movie)

The odd part about the start of this conversation was that exact evening Miss Katie (now with a new last name... crazy married folks), one of my two seniors, IMed me. We talked for a short time, I think I ended up having to go somewhere or something of the sort. I am hoping we can meet up sometime when I'm in Ohio again, for I have not seen her in quite the while. I suppose the craziness was just that someone terribly important to me my freshman year-- someone who calmed many of my spring time worries and who inducted me into Thespian Troupe 1422-- talked to me that very same day. I didn't ask her what she thought of me then, as it would be different than me seeing it-- and I didn't think of it at the time-- but all the same, the world begins again.

Today I had a tutor for the first time ever. I've been the tutor many times, but today the roles were reversed. I am not doing so well in Historical Social Dance. It was helpful, but I still wish I could learn the entire actual dance. Perhaps I could even do one of these Galliard dance offs, but probably not :) I just need more time to let my muscles learn the movements. Oh well, at least I am establishing a large base-- despite the limited retention.

Note: I am probably going to try to pass/fail the class. It's not for my major/minor or gen. ed. requirements, so why not? It's a class for me and I don't like grades. Sometimes I wish I had gone to a college without grades altogether. They have a habit of getting me down. They distract me from learning.

Note 2: So I've been working on this entry on and off for awhile now so it will be much different than I planned when I began, but update on Historical Social Dance... I did my galliard with Renee today and it wasn't the best (by far), but we practiced for about 20 minutes straight before hand and I never got totally lost. Yay!! I might feel differently about the dance when I see the videotape on Wednesday, but right now I feel a.okay about it.

I had originally planned on writing quite a bit about 2 weekends ago (Saturday, 9/27 specifically), but now that so much time has past, the details are less vivid... the important parts of the weekend are as follows:
Friday: Having a good race on a possibly long course. The time was faster than my others, which is nice, but still not as fast as I think it really was. I stayed mentally tough for at least 4/5 of the race and finished 6th on the team (First time top 7 at Hope College ever!). The temperature was up, but there were beautiful trees to run through and-- St. Mary's is a wonderful place to run.
Saturday: woke up super early to get to Chicago to run with Anna Jo. Showered and then drove to Montrose Beach to see Megan Byrne (freshman at Aquinas, ran together in HS) and Jackie Ellis (runs for EMU now, transferred from Hope) race. It was wonderful to see them, as I haven't seen either of these terribly important people since summer. I could go on and on about their amazingness, but you probably don't want to hear allllll about my junior/senior years with Megan and what a lifeline Jackie was for me. (Note: My first roadtrip in college was to Chicago with Jackie--and a bunch of Casey's friends, who neither of us knew at the time-- in the fall of my freshman year!).

After the race Anna Jo and I did some prepping for her tri-Birthday party that evening. Then we took the "el" for dinner at the hotel where my family was staying. On the way I sat down in one of the few open seats in the car (of the train). I sat for a few moments, singing in my brain and then said hello to guy I was sitting by. Long story short- turns out he's from Midland, MI- raced at the meet I'd been at that very morning and trained with Nate, one of the boys I run with, during high school. Sings: It's a Small World After all...

Following conversation about training with Zach, was a laughter-filled fancy-pantsy dinner with my parents, Grandparents, Uncle Gordon, Betty, my sister and my sister's boyfriend, Jeff. I love my family and am consistently reminded of how important they are to me each time I see them. It's easy to let them fade into the background, as they're "always there," but my family has provided me with so much love and support in these past 20 years... I am truly blessed.

After dinner (and after the post-dinner, delicious fudge Anna Jo made, and after my mom and dad surprised Anna Jo and I with goose gourds. There's a picture of one to the right, but it's not actually mine. It's just one I found on google images. My goose gourd is on the porch, but my camera is broken. Mine is cuter than this ;) Jeff, Anna Jo and I took a taxi back to Anna Jo's and nearly everyone from my sister's program (plus their friends and significant others) came over for a wonderful evening. There was dancing and talking and delicious food. Let's be honest, my sister is the best hostess I know :) Plus art therapy grad students are in general a pretty exciting bunch :) The trip was more than worth the driving.

I might actually be traveling to Chicago again this weekend (to see the marathon and possibly a show), but I'm not positive. I haven't filled my sister (or anyone else really) in on this other crazy plan I have, but I sort of want to take a longer road trip to see a friend. I became terribly into this idea the other night when I was on the phone with him and pretended I was down the street, but realistically I don't think the trip will happen. I tried to call him just now to tell him, but he didn't pick up. It's just too expensive and long to do alone. However, if someone happened to want to go with me... (waits... impatiently, ha)

Yeah, yeah. I dream a lot.

I used to dream about people coming to visit me all the time. Well, the people didn't visit all the time, just the dreams did. My parents, my brother and Fred and Karylle have visited me. The other day some people from Edinboro were at Hope for some reason and then told Alexis about lemonjello's... it made me just wish Alexis was here... I'd even treat her (or you, if you came) to lemonjello's!

If you did want to visit, there are plenty of places to sleep around my house... I know we're both busy, but let's chat, we'll find a time to make it work :)
In the mean time, I'm sleeping. Blogs wear me out.



Final Note: The title of "today's" blog is a result of a revelation I had while shopping at Meijer on Sunday. The other realization I had was that- while I'm not sure if "love is blind," I will fully acknowledge that the want for love often causes one to put blinders on.